Feeling Guilty over Couple's Marital Problems

[SharperEdge69]

Ok, I'm single and I guess I'm one of the priveleged few but thats another post. I have a lot of weight on my shoulders now if not guilt. I met this couple and truly enjoyed being with them. I feel I am friends with both but don't get to see them that much as they are far enough away that it makes it difficult but not so far that its a chore. Well recently, tonight actually, I found out they are having problems. Got hints of it talking to the hubby and got the "full" story tonight from the wifey. All the signs are there that each couple in this forum has talked about: have to have a stable and healthy relationship when doing this (apparently they didn't and wanted some spice), communication is key (she says there is but if there is why the problem), etc. etc. Now some of you may not call them swingers as they swing alone but they call themselves swingers so I'm just going to go with it for this post. As a guy she has met, with hubby and alone, I can't help but feel responsible. I did not get into this to deal with this sort of thing. Hell I don't go home cause of my parents instablities. I mean all night it kept coming back to a communication breakdown and all night I couldn't help but feel she was lookin in me and the other guys she met for something her hubby wasn't giving her. I assume the same for him since he swings alone too. I mean she would talk about all these things (him changing and doing stuff in bed that he hadn't the 13 yrs before i.e. talking dirty to her e.g. "is it good?" which oddly she likes, wanting to do stuff that plain hurt her i.e. anal, though its fine with me, his head is too big and he's to veiny) and I just kept hearing communication breakdown and support breakdown (he talks, she listens, she talks, he's already sleep). Maybe my reaction is such cause of the way my parents are and my detestation for anyone who seeks separation or divorce as a solution to whatever marital problems they have.

In short, they have marital problems and I feel guilty cause I'm thinking that she is looking for something she can't find at home. Could someone give me their input or just tell me its okay its not my fault?

[JustAskJulie]

First, I'll go to the idea of swinging alone. My hubby and I do that as well as swinging together. It's a to each their own issue.. and neither is right or wrong. Nor does the fact that they swing alone mean that they were looking for others to provide what they are missing at home. The term "open relationship" usually applies here.

As for their instabilities... they are not YOUR fault. You didn't cause them, you didn't see them. If they are having problems, they have nothing to do with you. If, in fact, she was seeing other guys to try to find what she was missing at home.. that has nothing to do with you.. you didn't know that. This is a problem between the two of them and they need to work out. Probably the best thing for you to do at this point since you realize what is going on is to step back and remove yourself from the situation. I know it won't be easy cuz you consider these people friends, yet still it is probably the best thing for you.

Julie http://www.naughtytails.com

[DblTrouble]

I can understand how you feel. I went through something very like this recently. Although it took over a year before I found out all the details. In short we swapped partners (alone) with your best friends. It only happened once and she was the one to request it. I thought they had a better relationship than my hubby and I did. WRONG!

After a year of hinting about doing it again and alot of flirting between all of us it came out that she couldn't stand her husband sleeping with me. At the same time this came out they started having alot of marital problems. I felt responsible because I had never made a secret of the fact I was highly attracted to her hubby. Several times I had told her I had interest in "stealing" her hubby and that all that was between us was fun and games.

Anyway, I had to realize their problems are their problems and I did not cause them. What happened between us in the bedrooms may have maginified them but they were there to begin with. Fortunatly, we have been able to save our friendship. I guess what I am trying to say is don't bet your self up for something you could neither anticipate or prevent.

Hope this helps I feel like all I did was ramble on and vent my own probs. I just wanted you to know someone knows what you are going through and has made it out the other side.

DblTrouble's Lady

[DblTrouble]

OOPS!! Your best friends should read our best friends.

Sheesh!!
DblTrouble's Lady (who needs to learn to proofread her posts)

[DblTrouble]

Several times I had told her I had NO interest in "stealing" her hubby and that all that was between us was fun and games.

I really need to proofread better!!!

[Chicup]

Nah its their fault for doing what they are doing when they are not mentaly suited for it.

I know I'd never be able to handle my wife swinging alone, even though in the same room it doesn't bother me. We did it once and I really hated it.

[danc694u]

It's just like when you were dating!

Sometimes things go your way, sometimes they don't. You just have to decide when it's best to move on. Usually the moment will present itself.

The trick is to be able to walk away from it, without it affecting future relationships. Whether you "actually" had anything to do with it or not. You can't go back and fix it, especially if it was "broke" before you got there. But you can make sure that it doesn't happen again in the future.

The issue here seems to be that one spouse decided it was time to change things after 13 years. And, the other spouse was happy with the status quo, albeit open to some change, not all.

You played your part. But, someone else forgot to read the whole script.

Looking for something they can't get at home... We all do in a sense. We're looking for things to enhance what we already have. But, not to replace them.

Good Luck

[ 11-24-2001: Message edited by: danc694u ]

[Karen and Doug]

Well....can we input something as well?

If they DO end up splitting up, and you are still in the picture, you may find yourself summonsed to testify in court...

Our suggestion is to distance yourself entirely lest you get caught up in an unwanted vacumn that could be more trouble than it's worth...there's no kinda sex worth that kind of trouble!!

K&D