How do you have sex without emotions involved

[jaebrawh]

I have been in relationships for over 13 yrs and now I am learning what it means to be single all over again. I think of myself as a nice guy but I don't want a committment for a while. I would like to try swinging but have never made love without emotions involved. I haven't a clue as how to do this but at the same time, I am busting at the seams with thoughts of swinging. Can anyone offer some advice? J.

[JustAskJulie]

With swinging you definately have to be able to seperate the difference between making love and having sex.. and realize that you will be having sex.

If you let your emotions get involved and start developing emotional ties/attachments.. then you develop problems (this particular problem is one that causes a lot of couples to avoid single guys.. due to the fear that the guy will get attached to the female and make moves to 'take her away').

That is something to think about and something you will definately have to get past before you decide to even think about exploring swinging.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[jaebrawh]

Thanks for the info Julie. I am less concerned with getting attached than I am with hurting someone's feelings. Believe me, the only thing I want is unattached sex. I have had "meaningless" sex before but everytime the woman has come back saying, why didn't I call, or the best one is, "you made me feel cheap". Then I feel like shit. I hate that! I just have never run into any woman who has not wanted to see me more and have a relationship after sex. Have I finally found the solution here? And if so, how do I start, especially in light of the fact I am not sure I believe there is a woman who wants unattached, uncommitted sex. Yet, this is what I am looking for. I am tired of people's (specifically woman's) feelings getting hurt. What advice do you have for a doubting Thomas.

[danc694u]

Originally posted by jaebrawh:
I have had "meaningless" sex before but everytime the woman has come back saying, why didn't I call, or the best one is, "you made me feel cheap.

I think you'll find that the majority of swinging couples "do not" have meaningless sex with anyone. It serves a purpose in their relationship. While you may not "get it", it does.

Originally posted by jaebrawh:Have I finally found the solution here? And if so, how do I start, especially in light of the fact I am not sure I believe there is a woman who wants unattached, uncommitted sex.

In short, "NO" would be the answer to your question. Most (not all) couples that invite a single male into their bedroom. Do have some sort of "attachment" with that male. Be it friendship or whatever. Single females, we can't help you there. We know several that really enjoy their "fuck buddies". But, there is a relationship of sorts there also.



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It's more fun than checkers.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by jaebrawh:
I have had "meaningless" sex before but everytime the woman has come back saying, why didn't I call, or the best one is, "you made me feel cheap".

One thing to keep in mind is that these women you have dealt with in the past were single women (I assume).. probably looking for more. Here you are talking about dealing with swingers.. .they have the relationship they want. You just serve a purpose to them. There are many couples out there looking for single guys to just "fuck", but often too they are looking for a single guy that they can count on to fuck on a regular basis.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[JustAskJulie]

One more thing to keep in mind...

If all YOU are looking for is a meaningless peice of ass or a notch on your belt.. swinging is not the place to go looking for this.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[LIZA]

As a single guy you are going to have much better odds of finding "meaningless sex" with single women than you are of getting in to swinging as a single male.

The supply of single men is just a LOT greater than the demand is for them.

So you probably have to just decide if hurting someones feelings by not calling her is worth getting some sex...if you are planning on spending the rest of your life not in any sort of relationship but you still want lots of meaningless sex, that is.

[pelagic argosy]

Julie, first you say that single men, "just serve a purpose" and they shouldn't expect to have any long term committment with swingers because they already have the relationship they want. Then, you say that a single man shouldn't just look for a piece of ass so he can notch his belt.

Sounds to me like there's a bit of a double standard going on. Swingers can use singles, but not vice versa.

[TNT]

Swingers can use singles, but not vice versa.

Hmmm. Well, I have had that discussion with my husband before, stating that I felt we used the single men we were with to fulfill our fantasy. He told me that if they themselves did not have a fantasy of being with a couple (two guys with one girl in this instance), then they would not be there. Kinda makes sence.

I remember when we first got into the lifestyle and was talking to the owner of the club that we attended. I told him that we had done our research and thought that this was something we could do together. He told me that yes, you would use people you were with and they would use you. But, if everyone was consenting, then everyone was a winner in the end. He and his wife had been in the lifestyle for over 20 years and he said that it was great when they were with other people, but that the REAL fun began when it was just the two of them together alone afterwards.

I have to agree with him on that. Yes, we do use the other people we are with to fulfill our fantasy, but in return we allow them to use us, making sure that they are satisfied and that we have helped them fulfill a fantasy as well, no matter if it is a single man or a couple. We feel that in this way, everyone is happy in the end.

The lifestyle is give and take but, to me it should be done with a certain amount of respect for the other party/parties involed in a play session. After all, everyone has feelings.

Just my thoughts here.

Teresa

[danc694u]

Originally posted by pelagic argosy:
Sounds to me like there's a bit of a double standard going on. Swingers can use singles, but not vice versa.

Hmmm, welcome to the real world Think about what you said there a minute. IF it were not for couples, a swing club would close up fast. I can't think of any club that caters strictly to singles...anywhere. Unless you're thinking about a titty bar

While we agree singles get used. Look at the line of them waiting to get into a social. All begging to be used. On the other hand, you won't see us outside a singles bar, waiting to get in. Or willing to pay double $$ to get in.

Quid Pro Quo comes to mind here.



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It's more fun than checkers.

[Flori_DAMAN]

meaningless sex is like meaningless solitaire. Lets face it. You are talking about at least two. If it were meaningless you would not be interested in it. What you want is a meaninglesss relationship. That is different. Every sexual contact has meaning. Its a confusion of terms. I beleive that at least 10 percent of single women want sex without commitment. Most guys in the single scene lie to women and use the hot dog and stick routine to tantalize women by leading them on and do not call them back and do not want to go beyond sex. If you are honest with them and have something to offer in this department they will screw you when ever they feel like it. Not when you feel like it though. Screwing a normal single gal need and then ignoring her is gonna hurt her and most women that have been burnt dont like this. Honesty is very hard to find. But it works. Play the numbers, tell them what you want and what you have to offer. They may want to have a few guys to mess around with from time to time and will be more than willing to put you on there list. Just dont ask them questions about what they are doing when you arent there. Dont be put off if they find someone they wanna be with more than you occasionally or often. Females are defensive because males are offensive. Dont be offensive but let them have there space. Dont tell them what you think they want to hear. Tell them what you think. Even if you dont think they will like it. And by all means go out of your way to talk to females. All of them. Make true friends with them. If you play the odds and have a bit of self confidence they will be knocking at your door. Dont answer it all the time though. You dont want a long term relationship you just want sex. Thats no big deal anymore. When I was single all the guys thought I was a don juan.......and im not special person. I just listen closely to what a woman says. I do not JUDGE them for any reason. Males tend to judge females by standards that have nothing to do with reality. They want a whore in bed and a slave to there emotions. Females are tender, sensitive and totally irrational to men. You cannot rationalize with someone that is irrational. You have a cock and you have a mans mind. You are in fact different and women think much differently than you do. Dont spend any time at all trying to figure out why they think the way they do. Just be honest and you will be amazed at how much they want you. Dont use the internet to find a women that wants occasional sex. Go to the bar or the church social. They want to see your eyes and how you respond to there sublimal feelings. Be honest with them once you have established a bit of groundwork for discussion. Dont be afraid of shocking them. Women know what men want and they are totally disgusted when men say they want more than sex if they are lying. Tell them you want sex, but tell them you have something to offer also. If they want it too they will consider it.

[SharperEdge69]

michigancouple......you have dumbfounded me....this is a good thing...I am totally mind boggled. You hit it so on the head you left a concussion. And I think you totally hit on what a swingle might be....I just want to say thanks. At this time in my life, and the mishaps and drama I've gotten from the net, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Again thanks.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by pelagic argosy:
Julie, first you say that single men, "just serve a purpose" and they shouldn't expect to have any long term committment with swingers because they already have the relationship they want. Then, you say that a single man shouldn't just look for a piece of ass so he can notch his belt.

Sounds to me like there's a bit of a double standard going on. Swingers can use singles, but not vice versa.

I wouldn't really say that anyone is using anyone. I think most people understand that when I am talking about long term relationship I am talking about something where emotions and feelings get involved. That doesn't mean tho that the female half of the swinging couple should have to subjected to a single male treating her like just a peice of ass (even if that is all she is to him). He should still treat her with respect and spend some time making her feel good. If he's only there for a piece of ass and to get his rocks off that will show through and the woman is then made to feel like a piece of meat.

However, on the other hand you have to find that line somewhere in the middle, so as not to go to far to the other extreme and start getting attached to that woman... and feeling that you have any rights to her ... that's where the "she already has a husband" comes in. Unless of course that couple wants to expand into polyamory.. then we are getting into a whole different subject.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[jaebrawh]

Wow! Didn't mean to stir up such a commotion. At this point in time the phrase, "Could I have possibly been more misunderstood?" doesn't even come close. I do apologize for misspeaking. I now realize I have used some terms very losely and inadvertantly insulted the term swingers. I assure you that was not my intent.

As a human being first, then a man, for me, I hoped swinging would be an opportunity to explore sensuality and sexuality. I would like to experience giving and receiving pleasure with another woman without the possibility of feelings getting hurt. This is what I inappropriately referred to as "meaningless..." earlier.

The women I have been with I loved. Despite their absence, I still love them. As I speak with some of them now, intimacy cannot exist without pain due to our history.

And as I am about to utter these words I only hope I am not misspeaking again: I feel the swinging lifestyle is an opportunity to explore sensuality and sexuality without the pain I have experienced in previous relationships due to the "intense" emotional committment both my partner(s) & I have made. Swinging appears to me, because of its very nature, to be a temporary relationship where you are responsible for another person's physical, mental and emotional needs (as well as your own) for that short time period and when it ends, its over.

Should you decide to want to experiment with that person again, then you contact them, but with the very clear understanding this is a temporary arrangement where you are to enjoy each other as much as respect each other's needs and when those needs are met, you "graciously" part, fulfilled somehow in the knowledge (hopefully) you have filled someone else's desires as well as your own.

I have never enjoyed intimacy without the knowledge the other person is satified first. For me the rush is not in my own satifaction, as much as it is in the satifaction of woman. I have always done this in a committed relationship where it is sacrilege to even think of intimacy with someone outside of the relationship. Now, that I am no longer in a relationship, I would like to break away from that standard I have always lived up to. Now I can since I would not be breaking any committments I have made, because at this moment in time, I have no committments.

I just don't know how to start! That's all I am asking - how do you start/do this?

Well after everyone's input I am not sure I am ever going to find this out. Maybe its just something you have to figure out on your own. I do admit I was hoping the more experienced members would have advice as to how to enter and approach the swinging lifestyle from the philisophical/mental perspective? After all, everything else, emotional and physical, is based on that. I know if I don't "get it" mentally, I probably shouldn't try to participate. So I am still hoping one of you can share this with me.

Regardless, I would like to thank all of you (JustAskJulie, dance694u, Liza, pelagic argosy, TNT, michigancouple, & SharperEdge69) for your repsonses. Even without my question being answered, its been an education.

J.

[TNT]

Hmmmm, it seemed from your first post that you were asking how do you have sex without emotions/love involved. Am I correct in assuming that what you are asking is how do you get involved/started in the swinging lifestlye?

[This message has been edited by TNT (edited 10-23-2001).]