How to go from a Married swinger to a single swinger?

[G-Dragon]

I mainly have a question. I know, from being a swinger that single men are looked at as just looking to score. But what happens when you have been a married swinger for 8 years, then you find yourself single, and consider yourself a true swinger but the community of this lifestyle treats you like an outcast now. I enjoy the lifestyle, and helping others make fantasy a reality, now I just am a fantasy myself????

[LIZA]

Unless you and your wife swining friends who are still opne to seeing you alone, I dont think your 8 years of marriage are going to make a difference to new couples.
Most couples want single women...then other couples...single men just dont seem to be as in-demand. Just the way it is!

[JustAskJulie]

If the people you used to swing with as a couple won't swing with you then your chances are pretty slim.

Try to stay in touch with the others, hopefully you managed to build a few friendships in the process of swinging... if so, perhaps even if they aren't into swinging with single guys... they might know someone who is and refer you to them.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[danc694u]

Moving this one back up list

I agree with Julie. But, only because I've been there too. Might as well grow a 3rd arm out of your head. That's the way you get treated, once you lose your partner

[Flori_DAMAN]

go out and date women that are sexually expressive. Do not be afraid of explaining what lifesyle you had before. My wife passed away almost 8 years ago and I had no problems finding single women. They will not judge you if they are open minded and it will plant a seed in there head if you are honest and open with them.

[youngmichiganmale]

Unfortunately, in this lifesyle, single men are looked at and viewed as opportunists who simply wish to take advantage of all the great sex involved in swinging. Second to that, is the fact that there is an overwhelming number of single men who are readily available, and the supply exceeds the realistic demand.

The average couple, although they might at first get their feet wet by bringing in a single male, are usually much more interested in couples and bi-females. I would suggest you try looking at bars for uninhibited single women who can fullfill your urge to maintain your lifestyle. And unless you are specifically invited or apporached by a couple who seeks a single male, you will only annoy them by inviting yourself to join them, or making attempts at enticing them with your "8 inch you-know-what".

I do understand your frustration, certainly. I ws married 6 years to a wife who shared with me the joys of the lifestyle. Since our seperation, I have found that my luck runs a lot thicker if I approach single women who are looking for the same thing as myself. Although they may not be farmiliar with much to do with the lifestyle, you still achieve your own gratification as before, so long as there is a prior understanding that there will be no strings attached.

Best of luck to you, bro.

[G-Dragon]

I would like to thank you for all your advice. I have kept in contact with some swinging friends. And although I have only gotten with them twice in six months, I have been in contact with couples that want to learn about the lifestyle, and I am talking with a few couples on that. Although I am not swinging like I use to, I am helping others with it, So, in essence, I am still in the lifestyle, and I am sure with a good healthy attitude, and friends, I will find someone also in my same situation, but of the opposite sex. Thanks again for your input.

[David]

I entered the swing scene in 1967 in the San Francisco Bay Area through the introduction of a professional couple. In 1970 I entered the scene as a married couple. We were together for 24 years before the marriage ended. As a single male, I understand why couples frown upon single males in the swing scene. Oh yes, there is couples who enjoy a single male, but more that don't. You've got to understand that when you're a single male, you can't be pushy or step out of line. It is best to just make appearances at swing clubs or parties and if a couple is interested in you, they will approach. If the girl is interested in you, she will approach. Don't be a dick by trying to force the issue on couples. Just be cool and nice. Even though I'm single now, I've been invited to several private parties in Kansas City, Missouri. However, some of the commercial swing organizations here (I won't mention them) would not allow me to attend their parties - even though I write articles about swinging. Well, it is their lost! Not mine!

[yhungry]

I was also in swinging with my xwife of 13 years and have found it difficult to get accepted as a single male. I would bet if the rolls were reversed the single female would not have any problems.

[danc694u]

Originally posted by yhungry:
I would bet if the rolls were reversed the single female would not have any problems.

Well that's very true. But, you have to look at it as part of the lifestyle.

In a nutshell, you're a couple of notches up on the list, because of past experience. So you should know the does and don'ts of swinging.

But we've all been to socials where the male half of a couple is extremely aggressive. So the tendancy is to ignore all single males, period. Simply because they may have been one of those "aggressive" males, who used to be a couple. Overly aggressive people don't last long in our opinion.

To offset this, you may try attending a social as a single. Then just introduce yourself around...politely. Differant clubs have differant rules. So you may need to try several. We view single men who attend the same social as we do, as serious. Simply because of the rules they impose on these men. This doesn't apply to all socials however.

The biggest problem I see for a single male at a social, Is two-fold! #1 They sit on their butts...and do nothing. #2 They "attack" everything in the place.

There is a middle ground. When you find it. You'll be more acceptable within the club.

[Flori_DAMAN]

My first wife suddenly passed away after a 10 year swinging lifestyle sharing. After the initial shock and mourning period I longed for my favorite pastime. I went to our favorite club and volunteered to be the bartender, which allowed me to meet many people in the course of an evening and it worked out quite well. As an established swinger with many connections to participate in any way, ticket collecting, emptying ashtrays, selling raffle tickets etc. is a great way to stay involved and still have the opportunity to meet people.
BTW, I found the couples that we considered true friends to be very distant and this was hurtful and until I understood that it was THEIR uncomfort I was unable to forgive them. Now, I understand that people really do not know how to express themselves very well when someone suffers a loss, whether it be divorce or death. John

[LIZA]

I enjoy flirting with the staff and bartenders at our club but unlikely I would invite them to join us in a 3-sum, it did happen once kind of by accident and was enjoyable but a bit overwhelming for me as it was 3 men and myself.....I prefer at least 1 other female involved and that is why a single man without a partner is kind of a turn off

[Alone]

I've been lurking here for a while and you guys all seem very insiteful and helpful, so I thought I would post my question and maybe you can help me out a little.

I have a unique problem. My best friend, partner, and wife died two years ago. We were active in the swinging lifestyle, and I love her so much, that I have mourned her all this time. I am 39 y/o and would still like to keep in touch with the folks we met, but am unsure how to go about this.

In addition, I would like to find a partner to go to some of the socials, but am unsure how to accomplish this either? I think it may be uncomfortable to see some of the faces I met with a different person,should I find another gal, but I miss some of them.

[CanadianCouple]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Alone:
I've been lurking here for a while and you guys all seem very insiteful and helpful, so I thought I would post my question and maybe you can help me out a little.

I have a unique problem. My best friend, partner, and wife died two years ago. We were active in the swinging lifestyle, and I love her so much, that I have mourned her all this time. I am 39 y/o and would still like to keep in touch with the folks we met, but am unsure how to go about this.

In addition, I would like to find a partner to go to some of the socials, but am unsure how to accomplish this either? I think it may be uncomfortable to see some of the faces I met with a different person,should I find another gal, but I miss some of them.

---

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Personally, it's my greatest fear to have that happen to me. I can't begin to imagine what the past two years have been like for you.

As far as re-establishing contact with past swinging partners, I'm sure they'll all understand your situation, and that for you life must go on. After all, any of them could find themselves bereaved in the future, at any time. If you had left your wife for a swing partner, perhaps the reception from some others would be a bit chilly, but this isn't the case.

It may be more difficult actually finding a partner to attend socials, since single females in the lifestyle are relatively rare to begin with. Perhaps you could find someone at a club that allows both single women AND men, or failing that, through the various internet contact sites.

Good luck.
Dan

[Flori_DAMAN]

Hiya Alone,

I also was in your situation. My wife and I were in the lifestyle for over 10 years when she died suddenly. You have to experience it to understand the tremendous pain involved and I truly sympathize with you.

While it may seem that people you used to swing with would be understanding they are in fact not at all. I was basically shunned when I returned as a single a couple of years later. Old friends were at loss for words and to everyone else I was just another single guy.

At the time of her death people swarmed around our family, including friends and family. But soon afterwards they were just plain gone.

It took me 5 years but eventually I did in fact find a wonderful woman and remarried. I was 36 when I was widowed btw.

If you plan on attending socials be prepared to just be yourself and not dwell on your loss. People do not understand and the subject seems to scare them off.

When I began dating I was not open about my lifestyle until I was quite sure I was with a sexually liberal thinking gal. It is very hard to find a woman that will not judge your past lifestyle negatively and it will scare the bejeebies out of most of them.

Remember that it is all in the numbers. Date a lot of people. The swinging socials can be very depressing as a single guy because there simply aren't many desirable single females that attend them.

When you least expect it you will find what you are looking for. We just happened to meet at a mutual friends house and sparks flew almost immidiately. About then I was resigned to the idea that I would never find the type of relationship I desired.

Do not compromise what you want in a woman becase you are lonely. It is much better to be lonely than to jump into a rotten relationship. I made that mistake a couple of times during my 5 years of bachelorhood. You probably know a lot of this stuff anyhow but greedy females can sense desperation and will use you with total disregard. Keep your standards high.

You are still young and desirable. Just have faith that you will get what you want. If you are still grieving then get your butt to a good psychotherapist. It took me three years to do that although I took my kids to one right away.

The tendency is to be very giving and not think about your own well being. You have been wounded deeply and need to heal. Time does heal all wounds but you can speed it up with a little help.
Best of luck and Godspeed my friend. John