New member in Utah seeks advice

[drphil]

Hi all and thanks in advance.
I'm new to this and 1/2 of a couple. My s/o has had surgery that does not allow for normal sexual intercourse. It has been just over two years since the last surgery. After some long conversations this is what we have come up with; she does not want me to fall in love with someone else (not likely, she is my soulmate) it must be discreet, and she doesn't want it in our home or to be left at home, so whatever happens must be transparent to our everyday lives. It is not going to be easy, but she wants me to be fulfilled sexually. I'm almost 40, so I don't need it everyday but after two years I would like to experience intercourse again.
Any thoughts, advice or help in any way would be appreciated.
Flamers need not respond, this is hard enough without hearing what a lousy person I am for wanting this.
Thanks P

[M&B]

I was sorry to read about your wife's surgery. It must be so hard for her, too. She apparently has a very big heart and the kind of soul that is very understanding of your needs.

Since you have discussed this with her and she has laid out some rules, I am sure that the best bet is to follow her rules to the letter. Her situation doesn't need to be worsened with hearing of your outside relations.

Even if she asks, I would avoid answering- for a while at least... until you know she is truly fine with it. Curiosity can still kill any cat.

I wish you the best of luck. Take care of that lady. She sure sounds like a keeper.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by drphil
Hi all and thanks in advance.
and she doesn't want it in our home or to be left at home,

This part confused me. Is she saying she wants to be involved or not? That she wants to be there but NOT be involved?

[drphil]

I'm sorry for the confusion. When I said she doesn't want to left at home, I meant that she doesn't want me out galivanting at night while she is home alone. Maybe that will clear it up.
P

[jen]

just wow

[Brit_Pair]

Originally posted by drphil
Flamers need not respond, this is hard enough without hearing what a lousy person I am for wanting this.
Thanks P

I don't think anyone with an ounce of empathy or compassion would think of you as a lousy person. You and your wife are victims of a lousy situation, and you're trying to find a solution. I don't envy you one bit.

Perhaps seeking out couples as a single man would be the ideal solution, since it should avoid what neither you nor your wife wants - you falling in love with someone else. Since you mention discretion, I'm not sure whether you'd be better off being 100% upfront and honest with potential partners about your situation, or whether you should assume the persona of a single man. Those couples out there who seek single male playmates would be better placed to advise you.

One final thought? Would escorts / surrogate partners be out of the question? Since you say you're not seekingfor sex everyday, might this avenue offer a potential fill in?

[SexhoundDog]

I too, feel badly for you and your wife. Your post doesn't mention whether oral sex being performed on her is a problem or not. I don't know whether she's interested in this lifestyle or not and how much she'd want anyone to know about her condition, but it would be nice if she could at least partake in some soft swinging while you get to take it farther. I'm sure her ego can use the boost that she's still attractive to other men as well, but I also understand your intercourse predicament.

I wish her all the best of luck for a recovery that may allow for normal sexual activity to begin again. Have you taken her to any top notch doctors to see if they can help?

[saranmark]

Is her condition permanent? For some reason, I was under the assumption that it is. If recovery is an option, that is wonderful!

I think that Brit Pair had some great advice, along with sexhound.
Trying to include her would be optimal-- unless she is on hormones that may obliterate her sex drive? Is that an issue?

Anyway, I doubt anyone here is going to judge you for trying to make the most of a very difficult situation. My advice would be to try and include her as much as possible. I have known several different couples who were unable to have sex, and what they have said is that more than missing the actual SEX, they missed the intimacy of being sexual. So, keep that in mind, and try to keep things on an intimate level with her.

Just my thoughts...
SARA

[drphil]

Thank you to all that have replied to this thread. I would like to respond to a few issues that have been raised.
1) My wife has really never been into giving or receiving oral, but has asked if I would like her to accomodate me in that way. My response has been no because I know that she really isn't into it.
2) Her condition is not going to change and she is on some meds that do not help the sex drive situation.
3) I feel that representing myself as single would just lead me onto a web of deception and lies. That is a trail I will stay away from even if I don't find someone to help.
4) My wife doesn't want to participate in the lifestyle and really doesn't want to know the goings on at least for now. If she asks, I will tell but I feel that it would still hurt her to know if I had been with other women.

Now if I could just find someone close by to help out, that would be great!!!! You people are the best for all of your concern.
Thank you again, I need this support and you gave it to me.
P

[bear_n_bunny]

Originally posted by drphil
Thank you to all that have replied to this thread. I would like to respond to a few issues that have been raised.
1) My wife has really never been into giving or receiving oral, but has asked if I would like her to accomodate me in that way. My response has been no because I know that she really isn't into it.
2) Her condition is not going to change and she is on some meds that do not help the sex drive situation.
3) I feel that representing myself as single would just lead me onto a web of deception and lies. That is a trail I will stay away from even if I don't find someone to help.
4) My wife doesn't want to participate in the lifestyle and really doesn't want to know the goings on at least for now. If she asks, I will tell but I feel that it would still hurt her to know if I had been with other women.

Now if I could just find someone close by to help out, that would be great!!!! You people are the best for all of your concern.
Thank you again, I need this support and you gave it to me.
P

Regarding the meds your wife is on, are these by chance antidepressants like Prozac or Zoloft? If so, that's what has killed her sex drive, and it might be worth your while (both of you) to talk to your doctor about trying a drug that does not suppress the sex drive (like Wellbutrin, for example).

Is there really nothing in the way of reconstructive surgery that can restore her sexual functioning?

I think Brit Pair might be onto something insofar as finding an escort service or something similar. I realize that this may be easier said than done in Utah, but if you could find someone in that line of work, it would probably be a lot easier than trying to find a couple to play with.

-- Bear

[Alura]

Originally posted by drphil

4) My wife doesn't want to participate in the lifestyle and really doesn't want to know the goings on at least for now. If she asks, I will tell but I feel that it would still hurt her to know if I had been with other women.
P

We sympathize with your situation, Phil, but there is something you should know. In the two years we've been posting on this board, we have had uncountable men tell us about their "frigid" wives who "don't supply their needs." Living a life of deception seems to have been no problem with most of those guys. Although your reason for wanting to swing alone (medical) have been met with sympathy and we have chosen to believe you, somewhere in the back of our minds is the nagging thought, "Can this be bullshit?" Perhaps if you explained the medical problems more fully...

Basically, if your wife doesn't want to know and the knowledge would hurt her, most swingers would want no part of the situation. If your wife knew and enthusiastically approved, the situation would be different.

We feel you should first try to solve the medical problems, perhaps with an operation, perhaps, as Bear suggests, with other drugs.

The best of luck to both you and your wife.

Mr. Alura

[alabamafuntonig]

as not to flame but to sympothize mr alura brings up the point as bluntly as possible but still its the same point i would have made! brit offerd a escort service and this may provide sexual relief with out the mental attachment your wife would not want you to have! a swinger style relationship would not surfice (my opinion) unless you were to find that female everone else is looking for! i relize sex in a mans world is a important factor to a relationship. it is in mine . but as we grow older we need to learn for what ever reasons that it may not be a key ingredient to your relationship! it seems if i were to go to war for 2 years and my wife and i were not to see eachother what would happen..would i or her feel the need to mess around! what if it was you that was debilitated in sexual way would you want your wife to be loved by another! sex can be a very powerfull tool and it can lead to unwanted emaotions ...if it is not mutualy aggreed upon. as far as your wife asking you to let her accomidate you orally and you saying no becouse she does not like it. i think i would give that a try first before i ventured out. she may not like it but she may start to like it becouse she is giving you some sexual pleasure that she wants to give you. i dont think i would miss this oppurtunity again and i would try to go down that ave again for the sake of emotional happiness. you see your wife may really want to satisfy you mentaly and her sex drive may be lost to actually want you sexually but im sure she still needs you to be emotionaly healthy ..i just fear seeking a women for sex is the wrong thing to try even if she aggrees ...also mutual masterbation may also help you as a couple .remember there is more than one way to get to goal..i just hope that you will choose the path that best helps the 2 of you.

[Alura]

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig
...what if it was you that was debilitated in sexual way would you want your wife to be loved by another! sex can be a very powerfull tool and it can lead to unwanted emaotions ...if it is not mutualy aggreed upon.

Good point, Alabama! I'm reminded of a Vietnam era country song, "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town." It's about a paralyzed soldier, soon to die, who is watching his wife dress to go out on the town. The hurt expressed is severe.

Mr. Alura

[yawanna]

I have a friend go through something similar... his partner was severely ill from liver cancer.... and it was a very long illness. They were deeply in love and committed to each other and had been in an 'open' relationship. My friend of course took care for his dieing partner, but after many many months, he broached the subject of his meeting occasionally with others for sex. His partner agreed, but my friend could see the hurt in the eyes.

He did meet others once or twice, but was not comfortable causing that hurt to his S/O, and he stopped.

I'd agree with hire an escort. If it were me and I couldn't have sex with my husband, I'd be much less anxious or concerned about the possibilities of something more developing with his sex partners, if they were paid.

[Alura]

Thanks for the post, Yawanna. Cancer makes sex seem a lot less important, doesn't it?

Mr. Alura