Roles for a single male?

[BumpInTheNight]

Hi all, I am very new to the lifestyle and in fact have not done anything swinger related ever. Not for lacking of trying mind you, which really to the problem. What is the place for a single male in the swinger world. It seems like single females and couples are really the ones that are engaged and active, and that there really isn't any room for a single male. I get this idea because I have tried (with no success) to break into the lifestyle via personal adds, and from my experience single males are a dime a dozen and really not sought after.

So my question is this, what is the place for a single male? And how would I go about making myself more appealing for that position?

[two4youinswva]

Welcome to the board!

The best place to start is with reading the Singles and Swinging forum. Lots of good info there.
Swinging can be very difficult for the single male, but there are success stories out there. Look for those examples in the threads.

Good luck!

[DigginIt]

We have played with singles. After reading the posts on this board, especially this one More Advice for the single men you still need to understand a few things ...

You are in competition with every other single male out there. If I had to guess I would say probably outnumber the couples probably 10 to 1. This is all my guess but the point is, what is it you are offering? Why should we invite you into something that is very, very, very special to US .. our sex life?

You have to remember that, yes it is sex, but these women are our soulmates, so even if you think we are married to a troll, they are our world and the person we let into our bedroom better understand that they are there to bring excitement into the bedroom as well as as much flattery and SINCERITY, as if this was your own girlfriend.

If your profile reads like a sex crazed creepy guy that can be found at the local XXX movie store in the back jacking off to video's, your chances have just took you to the bottom of the list.

Most of the couples will say that the size of your cock has VERY little to do with getting into their bed. You can have a monster cock and it's not going to get you past 'go' if you look like a troll. Not saying you do but a lot of women pick guys that they have to find hot and desirable. If you were bringing someone into your bedroom, wouldn't you want the best looking with the best personality and the best body? You can be successful without the best body if you have a great personality and are cute. You just have to get them to see into your personality.

Just our thoughts we felt like sharing. Hope they help.

[TNT]

First... to the board.

two4youinswva and DigginIt both gave you some excellent pointers and I'll add a few random thoughts of my own

There is a place for single men in swinging. It's true that single men are a dime a dozen; however, a "good" single man is almost as hard to come by as the elusive unicorn.

Your first job when thinking about entering the swinging lifestyle is to figure out how you're going to become one of those good ones.

A few questions you should ask yourself are...Why do I want to swing? What am I going to get out of it? What do I have to offer a couple? Do I have the time and patience to put into swinging? If I were a couple, would I want to swing with my SO/spouse/partner?

Some of these questions are easy to answer, some take a bit of thought.

As a couple who primarily plays with single men, how you answer these questions is one of the things that helps us determine if you would be someone we would want to play with or not.

Overall looks is a big determining factor when it comes to a couple choosing a single male to play with, BUT...it's not the only factor...your attitude and understanding of swinging is a much bigger factor.

Lucky for you, you've found the Swingers Board and have access to the best site for learning and understanding swinging. Take the time to read through the post here, they will help you answer your questions of...

Originally Posted by BumpInTheNight

What is the place for a single male? And how would I go about making myself more appealing for that position?

As there really are no cut and dry answers, it will change from couple to couple and what it is they are looking for in a single man.


Teresa

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by BumpInTheNight

So my question is this, what is the place for a single male? And how would I go about making myself more appealing for that position?

This question can also apply to couples.

If there was a cut and dry answer, I could make millions. Therefore, I would have to charge for the answer or sell you the book.

[SW_PA_Couple]

As has already been suggested, there is no single answer or "best way". I would recommend signing up for and being at meet-and-greet events, as people like to call them. Typically, no actual sex happens at a meet n' greet. You simply have opportunities to meet people and become familiar. Getting to know people will lead to invitations to private parties. Don't expect lightning to strike the first time.

Almost all swingers' connection Web sites list meet-n-greet events. And there is usually some kind of facility for "signing up" for an event. As has also been suggested here, there are places in this lifestyle for single men.

Good luck.

~Michael

[Newpants]

Since your first question is essentially what is the role of the single male in the lifestyle as opposed to the typical, "how do I get more acion?" I can offer this and you may or may not like to hear to answer but I think it is a VERY appropriate question for single guys to be asking.

The bottom line is the primary role of single males in the lifestyle is to provide an extra set of hands, tongue and cock in an MFM 3-some for a couple or as an extra cock in gang bang and to provide that on the terms and conditions as set by that couple.

The SMs that understand that role and are OK with it and work hard to fulfill that role well often are successfull and accepted. The problem is a lot of SMs attempt to come into the lifestyle thinking that it is all oversexed women with out of control sexdrives and no standards who will drop their pants for anyone that comes along.

If your primary objective for wanting to get into the lifestyle is to have a lot of easy sex with a lot of slutty women you are going to make an ass of yourself and fail miserably.

If on the otherhand you understand and accept that you will be an adjunct to another couples sexlife ( you will hear the terms 'stunt cocks', 'human dildos' etc etc) and that if you want to succeed you will have to abide by their terms and not call your own shots and play on your own terms and have the qualities that people are looking for you stand a chance of succeeding.

That may sound simple but it often ends up not being what a lot of guys really want in the end. Guys try to get into the lifestyle thinking it will be about getting their jollys but what actually ends up happening is guys don't really want to jump through other people's hoops and want to call their own shots.

Another thing that often ends up happening is even the popular and accepted SMs often don't end up playing a lot and usually end up getting a regular garden-variety girlfriend through typical means and they end up dropping out of the lifestyle.

A lot of SMs think they want to be swingers and may even have some degree of success but end up getting more poontang and more enjoyment through normal sexual venues such as vanilla meat market bars, vanilla dating sites, gyms, social groups, recreational hobbies and just every day normal dating.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by BumpInTheNight

And how would I go about making myself more appealing for that position?

If you are still interested in the lifestyle after reading my first reply, I'll address this question too.

The first thing would be understand the roles and realize that in order to be accepted into a couple's bed (first realize that the lifestyle IS a couple's domain and that single chicks can get guys anywhere so regardless of what other people tell you to make you feel good, it IS about couples) is that you have to be willing to fullfill THEIR fantasies and their wishes. It is not about you getting your rocks off.

- First rule is treat BOTH members of the couple with dignity and respect. Women in the lifestyle are not slutty, amoral, desparate or indescriminate. They are doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, college professors, accountants, soccer moms, sunday school teachers etc etc.

Also keep in mind the male halves are not dickless, impotent or bad lovers or anyone that NEEDS you to satisfy their wives. You are simply an added source of excitement and pleasure.....ie stunt cock.



- In order for someone to want to invite you into their bed they have to be attacted to you and enjoy your company. The better looking, more groomed and hygenic you are and the more fit you are the more successfull you will be.

Personality counts a lot too. You must be personable, respectfull and charming/flirty. You can also not be a wallflower. Noone will pick the guy sitting by himself in the corner. You've got to put yourself out there and approach and introduce and sell yourself in a respectfull and nonagressive and nonpushy way.

- Never bullshit anyone, never make promises you can't keep and actually BE SINGLE! It may seem strange to the uninitiated but cheaters are VERY looked down on in the lifestyle and if someone is found out to be a cheater posing as a real single they are often blacklisted and shunned very rapidly. If you are looking at swinging as a chance to get more sex while your wife is at home unaware of your activities you might as well just throw in the towel and save some time and aggravation now.

- You have to get out and meet real people in person and not rely on websites. Previous posters have mentioned meet/greets and clubs....good advice.

-And finally you have to have thick skin and embrace rejection. You will be passed over and rejected.......A LOT. If you can't tolerate rejection this is not the place for you. But on the other hand if you are ok with getting rejected 10, 20, 30 or even 100 times for every time you are successfull then you may be cut out for it.

If that sounds like a lot of "work", it is. It is a lot of work and a lot of time and energy can go into it for not a lot of sex. Most of the successfull and accepted single males are in the lifestyle because they enjoy the lively environment and comraderie and would go to the clubs and parties even if they never had sex there.

Most of the SMS in the lifestyle would get a lot more sex in the vanilla world with regular vanilla chicks than they ever do in the lifestyle but are in the lifestyle for other reasons.

[DigginIt]

Yesterday I was in an rush and my thoughts were not quite as collected as they are normally and I wanted to put in a few more random thoughts.

Newpants did an excellent job and after reading those two posts you should be asking yourself "why do you want to get into this?"

The answer should be that you are really interested in the idea of two men pleasuring a woman because that is what its all about. Is it fun? Unbelievably so but in the end, it's about the womans pleasure more than ours (the guys). Do we get fun out of it, absolutely, but it's not a porno. In porno's, it's all about the guys, in swinging, it's all about the girls.

As a single male, you should understand that it's not about more sex, find a girlfriend for that, it's about sex that you just won't normally have anywhere else and most likely, once you find your soulmate and get married, may never, ever do again or maybe you will be in our shoes one day down the line. In that case, you will be posting these exact thoughts to single males that want to participate in your love life.

Get to know all the couples, don't try to single out only the couples you are interested in because the couple you are not interested in will most likely know the couple you are drooling after. It's a community and we are pretty tight. Reputation spreads quickly and you want it to be a good one. Be sincere and exercise patience and good judgement.

Good luck.

[Alura]

My late wife, Laura, was adamant that there was no place for single males in the lifestyle and little place for single women. My opinion, though similar, is not as strong as was Laura's. She believed that there is nothing that can be done with a single man that cannot be done with a couple by taking turns.

Although there are (we've heard) opportunities for singles of both sexes, there never was with us. I have no idea if we were in the majority or minority of couples.

Laura's disdain for single men in the lifestyle worsened after we started posting on this board. Almost every time she posted she received tons of Private Messages from them offering their detailed suggestions on how they, and usually they alone, could add an otherwise virtually unobtainable thrill in our swinging. Some messages were downright scary. So much so, in fact, that she quit posting here except in a very rare occasion when she felt her input was needed on a particular question. Breast cancer is an example.

Single men do have problems being successful in the lifestyle, even the so-called "good ones." I believe the easiest way for them to enter the hobby is to learn to communicate with women, meet a soulmate, get married and become real swingers with as much at risk as any other couple.

Just think, guys... It could be worse. How much trouble do you think gay men would have entering the lifestyle?

Alura

[SecretAsianMan]

Originally Posted by BumpInTheNight

Hi all, I am very new to the lifestyle and in fact have not done anything swinger related ever. Not for lacking of trying mind you, which really to the problem. What is the place for a single male in the swinger world. It seems like single females and couples are really the ones that are engaged and active, and that there really isn't any room for a single male. I get this idea because I have tried (with no success) to break into the lifestyle via personal adds, and from my experience single males are a dime a dozen and really not sought after.

So my question is this, what is the place for a single male? And how would I go about making myself more appealing for that position?

As another "single male" in the Lifestyle I'd like to ask you (the original poster) a few questions:

- What do YOU see as your role (as a single male) in the Lifestyle?
- What do you see the purpose or function of the Lifestyle is in general?

I know a lot of people who go into the Lifestyle thinking, "Oh hey, free sex!" (I know I started out that way). But it quickly evolved into much more than that for me... it became about making new friends & finding people with similar views as me when it came to sex. Finding like-minded people who could enjoy each others company and have a good time ...and sex with these same people was just one of the many outlets for our connections.

Yes, I'm probably more of a polyamorist than I am a traditional no-strings-attached-type of "swinger" ... but I find that this works for me. It may not be the right fit for you... but that's for you to decide.

I'd like to think that I'm a bit more than a "convenient-penis" or "ambulatory dildo" for other swingers to use.

If I'm at an event or party ... yes, the only connection most folk are looking for is purely a sexual one (and that's fine... but ideally, I'd love to get to know those folk outside the atmosphere of just the party, but it doesn't always happen)

What have you done to get yourself involved with the other people in the Lifestyle in your area?

I joined many different discussion-groups & social-groups (Yahoo-Groups has literally hundreds of groups available). I started talking to the other members in those groups online and on their group-bulletin boards. These groups were a great "jumping off point" for me - because they did local "Meet-n-Greets" and non-Party social gatherings where you got a chance to just hang out and let the people get to know you.

They'd also have parties where the primary goal was simply sex with the other group members.

Most of the time, you'd hear about a party announcement and talk to the host-/hostess about getting an invitation. The host/hostess would check their guest list to make sure that their male-to-female ratios weren't too skewed either way and if there was room for another single-guy, I'd get an "official" invitation to attend.

I'd show up and be sociable... I would politely proposition some folk. Other times, I could just sit idly by in conversation with someone at the party and we'd flirt - eventually making "a move" towards a more physical interaction.

The worst thing you can do, in my opinion is go into the Lifestyle feeling that you're entitled to have sex with anyone else.

Yes... single males are pretty much a dime-a-dozen and if you do not treat people with care & respect - you won't last long in ANY social group (much less swinging). Be a good person. Bring something to the group which will make others want to be with you. Research the Lifestyle and ask questions (this website/bulletin board is a GREAT resource for that). Be patient.

Find other swingers in your area and establish yourself in their community. Let them know that you're a "safe" person to play with... that you know the "rules of the game"... and you're going to treat the other people with respect.

If you show up at an event ...enjoy yourself and enjoy the company of the people you meet (Do NOT walk in expecting to have have sex and walk away frustrated and disappointed if you don't get to).

If you have any other questions... please feel free to post them or you could send them directly to me. I'm no expert ... but I can at least speak from some experience.

~ Eric

[vep050176]

Wow, what great posts from everyone. I don't think we can add too much to it. We prefer to swing with single guys. I know that Mrs. likes when the guy tries to have some conversation and fun before the real fun starts. There is nothing worse than a guy who comes up to her and says something like" are you interested". You need to come away from the wall, talk with her, maybe dance(too many of you say you don't dance, well try learning) I know there is nothing that gets her hotter than dancing while I'm watching. So yes, it is a lot of work, but the rewards are well worth it, trust me.

[M1F2KTJ]

Originally Posted by BumpInTheNight

So my question is this, what is the place for a single male? And how would I go about making myself more appealing for that position?

The place for a single male is in a MMF/gangbang situation. I think you might have more luck replying to an ad instead of placing one. I tried to continue "the lifestyle" after my wife no longer wanted to "party". To make a long story short, swingers are usually defined as couples who like to swap with other couples. It's a mutual give and take between both husbands and wives. I ran into a lot of guys who not only weren't interested in letting me have sex with their wife if they couldn't have sex with my wife but were angry that I dared to even ask if I couldn't reciprocate and that, I think, is the resistance you are dealing with. What you are looking for is a couple who the husband or boyfriend doesn't mind sharing their wife or girlfriend in a MMF experience. They actively look for single males. They most likely want to watch. Some like to give her a double team experience where you'll have to take turns or try to figure out who is supposed to do what. Some like to be made to feel like a cuckold or dominated by their wife/girlfriend but you might not know you are being used for that purpose. You may also run into a couple where the wife/girlfriend wants to watch her man have sex with another man. Make sure you understand what you are getting into. As in the replies above you will have lots of competition. There aren't too many ways for a husband or boyfriend to post looking for a third or more party to give his wife/girlfriend a MMF/gangbang experience. There will be lots of volunteers. Just be honest and be yourself when replying to ads. Let the couple decide and don't take it personally if you're not chosen. Some people like jazz and some people like heavy metal. Some people want someone who'll be respectful and gentle and some people are looking for a rape fantasy. Not everyone is a magazine model and they'll be looking for someone who looks more like them. You could be too good looking or not good looking enough. Responding to an ad is like a job interview. Be prepared to give the couple what they are looking for. If my wife was still playing I'd review your application.

[vep050176]

Hey Bump in the Night,

I noticed you haven't responded to any of our posts. There is a lot of GREAT info here for YOU. Give us your opinion on what your thinking, after all YOU asked the question.

[dave110256]

we have a place for a single male right in our bed! Waiting for the perfect sandwich with my wife being the filling. Just be courteouos, respectful and horny.