Finding Swinging Spouse?

[Powerglide]

Originally Posted by sahajacpl

The choice is that you find a mate that will agree to swing before hand but might not make for a happy union in other ways, or, find a soulmate first, and, then work on the idea until both of you agree to experience the nonmonogamous swinging lifestyle and enjoy sex with a variety of partners.

I'm not so sure that these are separable. If someone is devoted, say, to hiking and camping outdoors and so on, then that person's most appropriate mate wouldn't be someone utterly uninterested in outdoor activities. And so with recreational sex.

[ViSexual]

If this is that important to you then only date women who seem to be very open about sexuality.

And, early on, talk about fantasies and most erotic encounters with her.

And, be sure to share your swinging experiences.

I think the conversation will certainly lead to sharing her feelings about swinging with you.

But, be careful, because people will say things they don't really mean if they're infatuated at the moment.

[couplers]

Although I sort of stumbled into my own nonmonogamy instead of planning it, finding women for hubby post-marriage was more calculated. What I learned from doing that (sucessfully I may add) are three things: 1) people will open up if given the opportunity; 2) it's about her, not you; 3) it's a numbers game.

1. When the talk does eventually and naturally turn to sex, ask questions without any pressure. Most people will tell you just about anything if you are non-judgmental, accepting and empathetic. What are her likes and dislikes? Any answer should meet with "Oh, that's nice. Can you tell me more?" Don't push it, it won't happen all at once, but if you make her comfortable she will likely tell you everything, including fantasies. (Oh, you'd like to screw Brad Pitt? That's nice, can you tell me more?") If she doesn't open up, however, that tell you something too.
2. In both the discussion phase and in the reality phase, everything should focus on her, not you. Of course, you will want yours too, but that will come. If you had asked me if I would ever have let my hubby screw other women I would have said, "No way!" but after he gave me sexual freedom and fulfillment for myself, I saw the light. Now I enjoy what he does almost as much as what I do. It's amazing what people will go for if it is about them with no conditions or expectations on them. And amazing how they will reciprocate that unconditional love.
3. As other posters have said, you won't find many woman just ready and waiting to join you in the Lifestyle and a LTR. But if you take a somewhat methodical approach with woman you find attactive on other levels, you can open up the possibility. If she will talk about past sexual relationships without inhibition and with a sense of adventure, you can take it from there, slowly and always focusing on what she wants. The woman you are interested in will be intrigued by the gift you are offering her, even if she had never done or even considered it before. If not, move on, the right girl is out there, waiting.

As I have said in other posts, I have gone through the process with probably a hundred fifty women (friends, acquaintances, casual encounters; any unmarried, good looking woman that is not a relative or co-worker and at least 18 years old) although I have stopped now that Clair is our permanent gf.


Step 1 - After the first couple of meetings and conversations, just about every girl opened up to me about her sex life and fantasies. I never pushed it, just created the opportunity. Step 2 - Hubby and I would then treat her generously and with great civility, never with an expectation of anything in return. I enjoyed this "dating" of the girls tremendously, and it fueled endless sexual fantasies for hubby and me. When the two of us girls were meeting alone, I would disparage hubby's physical appearance in some way (actually hard to do, if you saw him), and just about every one of them would say she thought my husband attractive. Step 3 - Finally, if she was open enough and found hubby attractive enough (and I was able to create a comfortable enough environment), a few said that she would like to sleep with him. My response? OMG, Hubby finds you attractive too, I would be flattered if you did, I can arrange it. (This is where remembering our previous fantasy talks were helpful. Did she want a romantic weekend away with him? Or her place? Our place? Me there or not?) Hubby had sex with a handful of the women I recruited (recruiting gave me an incredible sense of control, as well as "WTF am I doing?"), all for at least ten months. Out of all of the women I initiated a conversation with the thought that it was a possibility, there is not a single woman that had any regrets; we are still friends with many of them, their current boyfriends and husbands, including the ones hubby slept with. We are proud of that, our goal is to treat women well and create opportunities for the like-minded, not to exploit them.


So this is also my advice for finding what you want when dating - be generous, be understanding, create the opening for her to reveal to you that she is what you are looking for, and be ready to move on. And remember to measure your success by not only whether you get what you want, but also by how good the experience is for all the women, especially the majority that aren't the one. Let us know how it goes. Take care.

[JM153]

I agree with all the others that you should find the soul mate first. However, since having an active alternative sex life is important to you, her attitudes should be part of what makes her a soul mate. You can learn a lot about someones attitudes by talking about things. Just as you learn their politics, thoughts about family, thoughts about children, etc, you learn about their thoughts on sex. If sex is not important to them or it must only be after marriage then the chances are slim that they will evolve into a swinger. Of course even if sex is important and they have had fantasies of group sex it does not mean that they are going to want to experiment with the swinging community. So, I agree with the others who advise to participate in the lifestyle as a single and enjoy it. Who knows, you may meet that perfect woman at a swinger function. At the same time pursue your other hobbies and be on the lookout for a woman that enjoys them as well. Then when you are dating you can discuss your sexual philosophies.

[Alura]

I would think that it's important to find a woman who has already demonstrated her affection for non-monogamy. Mrs. Alura was twenty-six when I met her and had had almost as many sex partners, most with no strings attached... including a college professor when she was a co-ed, just because she thought it would be fun to live a cliche and she was attracted to both him and the challenge. She got her man! I loved her adventurous nature immediately.

Sex on the first date is a plus. It shows she believes in her own ability, not the calendar's, to make decisions. She shouldn't be encumbered by convention. Mrs. Alura asked me to go out to dinner and the course of my life for the next twenty-seven years was set.

It helps if she has two degrees, in Psychology and Communication. She taught me how to communicate.

Make an agreement early-on that you will never become angry because a question, which must always be answered, is asked. "I don't wanna talk about it!" must be strictly prohibited. I never feared to ask the woman a question.

Oh, yeah! A fabulous long-legged body with big boobs looks good on any woman.

Good luck!
Alura

[cocpl2007]

Interesting question MajorQuestion. Mr. Co here. Like SecretAsianMan “I should write a book!”

I too came to the single life from a marriage which included lifestyle play. It was something I enjoyed very much. Something I find curious is that I never engaged in any lifestyle play when I was single. Not that I wasn’t interested. Not that I didn’t actually attempt to attend some functions, but it was that the line of single guys trying to “get-in” was just too long.

I wasn’t very happy as a single guy, outside of a relationship. Whether or not my lover was interested in the lifestyle wasn’t important at the time. I never hid the fact that I’d been previously involved from any I seriously dated. It wasn’t something I made a big deal about. Some were interested/intrigued some were not. I wasn’t sure myself about the “requirement” that to be serious, to contemplate marriage she must also have a desire to participate in the lifestyle. It seems this took care of itself. Those who were not sexually adventuresome seemed to drift away quite naturally. I never hid who I was, nor what I’d done. But, future play with other couples was not an absolute “requirement” to me.

So my suggestion. Take your time. You’ll find out soon enough if the ladies you are dating have similar views as you… if it is a “requirement” that they do, it seems to me that you’ll have a very good clue early on in your play, together.