Taking my female friend to clubs....

[inDenver]

So an interesting topic here I think....and I wonder if anyone else has done this?

I have a female friend (lets call her Tam) whom I have been fairly close to for five years.

We have always hung out together, partied together, I helped her through some surgeries and in general seen each other in all sorts of situations.

I was getting divorced at the same time she broke up with her douchebag boyfriend and we both needed a room mate so we lived together for around eight months. During that eight months she got back with and married the douchebag against my stern warnings. LOL....Less that six months later he left her. Anyway....you get the picture..we are very close.

On the other side...she is very sexy. She knows I think so...no secret. But I actually like her as a person enough that being her friend is just fine with me.

Anyway...I went to a local club with a friend for Halloween. I told her the things that were going on and she became very interested! We have discussed going together several times.

Now...she has been trying to set dates with me to go! So far it hasn't worked out.

My question....if we go together....should we have sex? Are we flirting with destroying a great friendship? I don't think so....I think even if we hooked up we could laugh about it later and still be great friends.

Anecdotes? Experience? Advice? Anyone?

[absingleman]

I would talk to her. First I would ask her why she wants to go to the club so badly, then ask her if she would have sex with you if you do go. JUST ASK FLAT OUT! If she is that excited about the prospect of attending a swing club, I find it hard to believe she would be offended if you said you would like to have sex with her.

But that means nothing. I had a female friend who was so comfortable around me she would let me into her apartment when she was naked and with no intention of getting dressed, but got really offended when I mentioned I was sexually attracted to her.

On the other hand, I worked with a woman who had gotten divorced after five years of being married to a gay man. A few months after the divorce she started flirting with me, but never took me up on invitations to go out. We did become friends, until we were both sent out of town to help after a storm. I met a woman at the hotel bar and things got a little hot. The next morning she had slipped a note under my door saying we couldn't be friends anymore if I would pick up a total stranger for a one night stand instead of hooking up with a friend (?)

Too many words. Basically, you have to talk to her and learn what the limits to your friendship are and if sex would mean a major change in your relationship or just another aspect that the two of you would enjoy. If sex is a possibility, you should do it before you make a final date to go to the club. If it is not, go to the club, make it clear you are just friends and she is not a ticket but someone who wants to learn about the club scene and asked a friend to escort her so she won't be there alone, and leave it at that.

Hope that helps, I seem to have told you two totally different things. Or was it ten? I lost count. Too much coffee and research on black history month for the kids I'm tutoring.

Hope I don't mix my swinging notes with the history notes. Damn charity activities. LOL

[TNT]

Originally Posted by absingleman

. JUST ASK FLAT OUT!

That's your best approach.

You really need to know where your relationship stands with each other. You also need to know why she wants to go to a swingers club.

Does she want to go to watch people?
Does she want to go to participate?
Does she want to go just to "say" she went to a swingers club one time?
What are her motives for wanting to go and why does she want to go with you?

There's nothing wrong with "friends" attending a swingers club together, as long as it's made known to others that you are just friends. If you're fuck-buddies who enjoy swinging together, that also needs to be made known. If she's wanting to go to possibly/maybe to hook up with another single or couple and you're just her body-guard for the night, that also needs to be made known. You'll need to discuss are you two going to stay together throughout the night or will you both be able to seek out playmates on your own. You'll also need to know what the clubs policy is on two singles who are not a "couple" attending.

Many things need to be discussed prior to going.


Teresa

[iapr]

There are two separate issues here. the first is the whole going to the club together. another separate and more important issue is where your feelings for each other stand and to what level do each of you want to take it.

In the lifestyle the most important thing is communication and clearly defining your expectations and objectives and this applies to you two.

Step one, you need to find out if she has any kind of sexual or romantic feelings for you or not and where if anywhere she wants your relationship to go. She may have real feelings for you and may want to expand your relationship together. Or she may only see you as a safe nice guy.

Step two, you need to find out what her interests and objectives are in wanting to go to the club with you. Does she see this as you two going as a couple to perhaps play together or even play with others as a couple? Or is she wanting you to go with her as a bodyguard to watch her back while she picks up and fucks other people?

This isn't something where you guess or you ask other people what their thoughts are. You two HAVE to talk to each other and ask each other these questions and answer each other honestly.

[inDenver]

Some interesting insights! I knew I would get quality answers here.

Another twist...a few days ago I was hanging out with a buddy. She was at home watching a movie and drinking a little.

She texts me saying "I'm really horny." So I replied...."you know I would help you with that. ;-)" She replies back....."I know you would :-)"

Then a few minutes later she sends one that says "My parents love you. They think we should be together....I'm afraid to ruin our friendship...I ruin everything!"

I told her I didn't think it would be possible to ruin our friendship....that I thought we should be together too but not to feel weird about that because I am also just fine being friends....and honestly I am.

So...from that exchange here is my opinion...

1) She knows logically that we would be great together on a practical level.

2) Emotions have NOTHING to do with things of logic and practicality. For whatever reason I just don't do it for her on a romantic level....she usually dates the same type of douchebags over and over...and is always attracted to guys that are metro and very vain.

So while she knows in her head she SHOULD want to be more than friends....in her heart it just ain't happening.

That's what I think anyway....

So...I think the whole going to a club thing may be for her a safe way to try things out...we could get physical and have a good reason to do so....then go back to being friends afterwards depending on how she feels LOL.

I am probably one of many guys around her that would like to be with her...the only difference is I am cool with being friends and don't try to pressure her into things.

What a mess the inside a woman's head must be!

[absingleman]

Originally Posted by inDenver

... Emotions have NOTHING to do with things of logic and practicality. For whatever reason I just don't do it for her on a romantic level....she usually dates the same type of douchebags over and over...and is always attracted to guys that are metro and very vain.

So while she knows in her head she SHOULD want to be more than friends....in her heart it just ain't happening.

That's what I think anyway....

So...I think the whole going to a club thing may be for her a safe way to try things out...we could get physical and have a good reason to do so....then go back to being friends afterwards depending on how she feels LOL.

I am probably one of many guys around her that would like to be with her...the only difference is I am cool with being friends and don't try to pressure her into things.

What a mess the inside a woman's head must be!

I'm not touching that last line, but the rest of it is plausible.

Here is my analysis.

Its not her heart or her head that is attracted to the vain metro guys you say she gravitates to. Its her ego. I know that because for a long time my ego had me fixated on women that people thought might be gay but had no proof if they were or not. I got a thrill from getting into their heads, getting them comfortable enough to make out with me, then making people drag it out of me that we were having sex and not just hanging out. Total ego. The problem was that those women were seriously bisexual and tended to be more interested in women than men, but liked me because I wasn't pushy or seemed to be desperate for sex. Incredibly conceited and arrogant I used to be. Brain surgeon removed that in 2003. LOL

About the swing club, it probably is a way to justify having sex with you. Again, TALK ABOUT IT AND GET THINGS INTO THE OPEN BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO ANYTHING! It sounds like she has been hurt many times by the men she is fixated on. Make sure she knows you are her friend first, last, and always. THEN see if things can go further. But establish your friendship first. THAT is the most important aspect of your relationship at this time and you don't want her to start questioning that.

But that is just my opinion. I've been in this situation three times. One resulted in a relationship that lasted almost two years AND included swinging, one failed miserably the very next weekend, and one resulted in a FWB I saw regularly, usually just to see bad horror movies but often for sex, until she moved two years ago. Gotta get to AZ this coming winter. Hope it gives you something to think about.

Dr. AB, psycho.
BTW, that was $15 a word. I'll bill you later.