Single Fem Bi would like help in better communication and understanding with couples

[femnewb4u2]

I am new to playing. Was unprepared for the wonderful deluge of contacts I received. In learning how to sort my way through I found myself asking a series of questions as to why the couples wanted to play with a bi fem if it was a couple new to playing or their first time to be a threesome with a female. If the couple was uncertain what I meant I would expand, as in, is it his fantasy to be with 2 women, is it just she and I with he watching, is it all 3, ect. Many seemed to be put off by my question. Is there a better way for me to handle this? BTW..This is conversation I have in emails, IMs, or over the phone before even deciding to meet.

I find myself leery of being the one a woman wishes to work out her discovery of bi-curiosity. I can play straight. So I do not need to be with a bi woman in a threesome setting. But I have found a wide discrepancy in the definition of bi-curious. Asking for clarification seems to be difficult for many to be comfortable with.

Now onto part 2 of my posting. I find myself leery of being with a couple who is new to playing, or has never played as a couple before. I feel that no matter how much experience someone has in sharing, jealousies and other emotions can arise in the midst of playing. I don't want to be the one who blows something open in a relationship between two people that has not been tested and found its way of communicating through those difficulties. Add that to the fact that I am new also and in this as a single (no partner to work things through with). In my mind I see this as potential for unnecessary emotional pain for each and every one of us in the playtime.

Any advice, clarity, direction, feedback offered would be appreciated. Including if I am over thinking

[funcpl4life]

You have the choice of couples. If they aren't comfortable with you asking what they expect out of play, move on. There will be more couples waiting to play with you.

Mr. FC4L

[iapr]

I don't think you are overthinking, I think you are using some good old fashioned common sense. Keep in mind that many that desparately pursue single fems have long since lost any shred of common sense that may have ever had.

For starters lets play a little numbers game. Lets say you get a hundred messages a day. Right off the bat probably more than half are fakes, dreamers, wannabes and weirdos that have no intention of meeting you in flesh to begin with or wouldn't have the slightest idea of what to do with you once they did meet you. Many are actually single guys that couldn't buy a date in a whorehouse and of the ones that actually are married or are a couple most of those the female half knows nothing about it.

Of the remaining actual couples many have no real grasp of what swinging is. At some point the fem half admitted she had some curiosity about the touch of another woman and the male half ran with it. A good number of them probably have some porno flick-type fantasy in their mind and have visions of Jenna Jamison showing up at their house at bedtime and ravaging them both and then walking out the door.

Your own "leeryness" is way more the reality than most people's fantasy. The things you are concerned about ARE legitimate concerns and there are a lot more legitimate concerns for a single than what you have mentioned.
If you want a laundry list of things to be concerned about let me know and then dig out your reading glasses.

I will just say this for now. You have come to the right place for information. do your homework. Learn as much as you can about the lifestyle. Ask questions and follow your gut instincts.

When you feel you are ready to meet real live people face to face I will advise you what I advise pretty much everyone. Forget about the internet and go to where the real swingers are and that is the lifestyle clubs, parties and meet and greets.

When someone is standing right in front of you, you will know more about them in two minutes than you will in months worth of emails and if you are getting dozens if not hundreds of emails a day that is a lot of crap to sift through. You have been interacting with real people for 50 years and so you have learned to spot the BS. It's a lot harder to spot BS online.

If a couple is standing right in front of you they may still be full of crap but at least they are both there for you to see and talk to together as opposed to God-knows-what sitting at another computer in his mom's basement.

[ncmd_couple]

Fem,

iapr gave you great advice in the post above. I noted from your Swing Lifestyle profile that you felt you would be out of the age range if you went to a club and didn't want to go by yourself. I can understand those fealings. But as iapr suggested, swinger clubs are probably your best bet. You will be treated with respect, and you will be able to meet face-to-face with people and talk to them directly. Always remember, you are in control and you choose what you want to do, or not do. As the male half of a couple I would be happy to answer your questions as to what we do, and don't, want. If a couple seems to be put off by your questions, say no thanks and move on. Their reluctance to answer or confusion over the questions means that they are either fakes or they don't have their ducks in one row, and that means future drama that you don't need.

S

[DragonSlayer774]

Hello, I am a bifemale that started playing in the lifestyle as a single for four years.

I am now in a relationship with a man that I met as a single male in the lifestyle, and we are getting married this Christmas.

It basically boils down to two simple facts:

One-The couples that are playing need to communicate within their relationship before, during and after events to decide how and what they want in the lifestyle. Whether or not the results are good or bad, THEY ARE NO REFLECTION of you. The outcome does not include you. You need to take drama out of the lifestyle. Treat others and yourself with respect, and learn where to draw the line between your actions and theirs.

Two:

This is only for the pleasure of the moment. We build friendships, but we do not develop romantic relationships with the partners in the lifestyle. Recognize the difference and the signs of someone attached. Once again, no drama. Respect all of those involved and respect the wishes of the females in the marriages. Watch the time spent with the men, and make sure that cuddling, and time outside of the bedroom is limited if at all.

Most of all: When a single woman is lonely, bored, depressed, etc IT IS NOT THE TIME to play with couples or men. You can search out a friendship with a single man or woman alone, but leave the married guys alone when you are not 100% positive in your own attitude. This will stop you from building dependancy on someone that is not available to you.


THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE between CHEATING and the LIFESTYLE that we love so much!! And that is what makes it such a great experience.

Sarah

[JustAskJulie]

I think your questions/ fears are well-founded. The worry/question of playing with couples who are brand new is one that even most couples have in regards to other newbie couples. There's just more drama possibilities with a couple who's never been there before than there is with one that's already tried it and knows how they will come out the other side.

Honestly, the questions/ issues you are dealing with combined with the other side of the coin "oh you're bi, then you'll do me!" (note the lack of question) was what pushed me from wanting to be involved in the lifestyle as a SBF.

As a couple or a female, I've found that it is often hard to get people to answer questions openly via email and often even via chat. This is one of the reasons we don't typically try to bother with a lot of back and forth emailing and would rather just meet. It's much easier to ask the questions you want the answers to in person. If you don't mind the phone, you might try that. Make it a point that you want to talk with the FEMALE half of the couple prior to meeting. Once you get her on the phone you can then ask your questions about what got them where they are. A good starter question is "what got you intersted in swinging/threesomes/?" and see how she replies. You'll be able to tell a lot from the way she answers. You can then ask her directly what her feelings are about being with a woman, has she been with a woman before and what she likes about it, what she wants to do/try.

I think you will find that in general, whether you choose to do this via phone or in person it will go much more smoothly than via email or even chat. Especially considering that in email and chat, you really don't know which one you are talking to, and too often in the case of the bi-curious it is the guy that is most interested in seeing things happen, and you may get answers that don't match the actions later.

In talking to the woman, as well, you'll know if it's something she really wants to do, which will take some of the worry out of the whole "first time" experience issue, although it still leaves a big weight on your shoulders of feeling like you have to "set the bar" for her first bi experience.

[LikeMinds321]

I like it when people ask questions to determine where we stand on swinging issues, and I like it when they clarify their own.

If people are not responding well to your questions, maybe it's your approach. You may be too cerebral - and I don't mean to make that sound bad, I like thinkers. However, some folks need some light-hearted flirty conversation along with the defining of terms, play rules, etc. What I'm trying to say is be sure your e-mails and phone conversations don't come off as an interrogation.

Your reasons to avoid the play situations and types of swingers you mention seem reasonable enough to me, at least for now. Do what feels comfortable.

Best to you!

LM

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by femnewb4u2

I am new to playing. Was unprepared for the wonderful deluge of contacts I received. In learning how to sort my way through I found myself asking a series of questions as to why the couples wanted to play with a bi fem if it was a couple new to playing or their first time to be a threesome with a female. If the couple was uncertain what I meant I would expand, as in, is it his fantasy to be with 2 women, is it just she and I with he watching, is it all 3, ect. Many seemed to be put off by my question. Is there a better way for me to handle this?

Pretty good view points so far. I don't quite understand you saying "many are put off by this" I know when Mrs.fun began seeking single bi females. I think she/we saw the trick questions mostly at first. I can think of a few times she typed in chat session, " why would you ask me a question like that ?" There were some cute trick questions. We found many times men would be posing as the female half ourselves. She kind of came up with a few trick questions of her own.

Its hard to get an understanding of how anyone feels without seeing them in person. We tried many things ourselves. Web cam or a phone call shows both are there, regardless of who is actually typing. That does have a safety/comfort factor, and saves some extended time chatting with someone that isn't going to meet. That's fine as we have both. But the phone call is the moment of truth for us, as allot of people don't web cam.

What about when the questions are asked in return ?

How do you feel about one or either of them, as opposed to them as a couple. We have stumped a few with that question. Usually a very long...... pause. If its a woman. Most guys posing or just wanting to get their wives together with another woman, have more of a quick "its all good" answer.

Do you get that kind of feed back ?

BTW..This is conversation I have in emails, IMs, or over the phone before even deciding to meet.

I think that's why so many people say, just go to the meet and greets, house parties or a club.

Most single Guys think "how do I get in, how do I get laid, how do I keep from getting thrown out"

Women think different though There is allot more to it. Allot more...Like who will be there, is it safe, will I get bombarded with creeps like I sense on the Internet, will I look attractive, will there be drama, will they even care about me, is it just sex ? OK, I'll Stop trying to think like a woman now, before my man brain explodes....

I find myself leery of being the one a woman wishes to work out her discovery of bi-curiosity. I can play straight. So I do not need to be with a bi woman in a threesome setting. But I have found a wide discrepancy in the definition of bi-curious. Asking for clarification seems to be difficult for many to be comfortable with.

There is a big discrepancy... I think in reality, most couples don't think about how the bi female feels.There are wives who actually give a show and its all for their husbands enjoyment. Most want the sexual experience cut and dry. Some find their wives actually do have a connection with a particular female, that leaves them with (hey,what about me now) Some just let the chips fall, where ever they may....Then, there is a chance of poly relationships. The unknown is endless sometimes.....

Now onto part 2 of my posting. I find myself leery of being with a couple who is new to playing, or has never played as a couple before. I feel that no matter how much experience someone has in sharing, jealousies and other emotions can arise in the midst of playing. I don't want to be the one who blows something open in a relationship between two people that has not been tested and found its way of communicating through those difficulties.

Well no one wants that, not even couples themselves. Cant lie about it though, the green monster can creep up with the inexperienced couples more often than the experienced.

If that's how you feel then you shouldn't get involved with people that are new. Most have a pretty good sense about how they feel. But who wants the experience to end in drama. Everyone hopes for the best. With new couples we have met, we can relate our understanding because we have been there. That's just experience. We didn't start out playing with new couples. When we see profiles where they want someone new or at least on their level. I don't quite understand that. Mrs fun seems to, but I have doubts about the after effects... We are not one in the same always.....

Add that to the fact that I am new also and in this as a single (no partner to work things through with). In my mind I see this as potential for unnecessary emotional pain for each and every one of us in the playtime.

O.K. I'm stumped here without the help of my wife. We talk about many things as I usually need input or help sometimes. She's not here at the moment.... I would like to think, all couples, deal with these issues on their own. I think some of these issues, are the reasons Couples are together as a team. I would like to think a single playmate could resolve any issues, post sexual encounters. So far I/we feel pretty fortunate. Their hasn't actually been unnecessary emotional pain

Any advice, clarity, direction, feedback offered would be appreciated. Including if I am over thinking

I/we don't think you are over thinking anything here. These are some of our ideas together and some are just my opinion. Welcome to the Breakfast club. (I hang out here allot ) We think about many things. I hope you check some of the threads from new couples, as well as ask more questions. The Swingers Board is a place to do, just that. Then as you are finding out in your own search for companions and playmates. There will be people with feelings completely different. I was hoping some of the intelligent women and men of the community, chime in here. What others think, is important..... What do you think now ?

[absingleman]

Originally Posted by femnewb4u2

I am new to playing. Was unprepared for the wonderful deluge of contacts I received. In learning how to sort my way through I found myself asking a series of questions as to why the couples wanted to play with a bi fem if it was a couple new to playing or their first time to be a threesome with a female. If the couple was uncertain what I meant I would expand, as in, is it his fantasy to be with 2 women, is it just she and I with he watching, is it all 3, ect. Many seemed to be put off by my question. Is there a better way for me to handle this? BTW..This is conversation I have in emails, IMs, or over the phone before even deciding to meet.

I find myself leery of being the one a woman wishes to work out her discovery of bi-curiosity. I can play straight. So I do not need to be with a bi woman in a threesome setting. But I have found a wide discrepancy in the definition of bi-curious. Asking for clarification seems to be difficult for many to be comfortable with.

Now onto part 2 of my posting. I find myself leery of being with a couple who is new to playing, or has never played as a couple before. I feel that no matter how much experience someone has in sharing, jealousies and other emotions can arise in the midst of playing. I don't want to be the one who blows something open in a relationship between two people that has not been tested and found its way of communicating through those difficulties. Add that to the fact that I am new also and in this as a single (no partner to work things through with). In my mind I see this as potential for unnecessary emotional pain for each and every one of us in the playtime.

Any advice, clarity, direction, feedback offered would be appreciated. Including if I am over thinking

Not being bisexual or a woman, I can't completely relate to all your concerns, but I have noticed some of the same reactions when I contact couples who seem new to swinging or maybe just new to swinging with single men. In my situation they seem put off that a single, never married, straight man over 35 is not desperate to have sex with just anyone, and wonder they what would make me question them about what they want from me and how I can benefit from being with them. The fact is that most 'swingers' are not used to actually communicating with single men or women when it comes to swinging because they think that we still think like college age singles looking to score after class or at a bar. Once they take off those blinders, they approach us like adults rather than children or sex toys. Not that sometimes being a sex toy isn't fun, but thats for after you've talked to me. LOL

You seem to know what you don't want in an encounter, so I would suggest that you not think so much of what went wrong and spend a little more time learning about what went right. You truly have to hold BOTH members of the couple to the same standards you, as a woman, would hold a single man you decided to date or sleep with. As a bisexual, maybe more so. Don't doubt your technique unless you are turning off EVERYONE you contact or contacts you. Your questions are totally valid and I have used very similar questions in the past when contacting or being contacted by someone online.

Clubs, parties, and meet-and-greets make things a whole lot simpler because there are fewer things you have to take for granted. Online, do whatever you need to do to get comfortable to meet. Eventually you will just have to say "f*** it, I'm going to meet them at Starbucks near the hotel and see where it goes," but until you reach that comfort level, do what you have to do.

cya around

[twoforone100]

Well we think you are thinking just fine....... We like smart people and you are the kind we like...


We nevermind questions... on the phone or email or Im... we perfer im.... every couple is different... but it is not about just us or in your case them.... it is about you as well


What makes you feel comfortable.... that is the real question...


We have played with plenty of couples and a small # of single bi females.. would we like more sure....


but the facts are simple... single bi females have all the choice.... We know how much mail we get a day and know you could get 10 times that ammount....


We often don't mind new couples... we do question them heavily however. Someone has to break them...lol


We would say that a life style club can be a good choice or a couple you click with... the issue with clubs is play tends to be more expected..... the couples who will take their time with you... are usually worth it.....

YMMV

[MrkLin]

Howdy!

If you take the advice given to you by all of the fine folks above, you'll do just fine. I personally don't think you're over thinking anything at all. I think you're being very smart. Remember one thing - as the single female you have to be choosy, as you have your safety to think about. If anything at all feels funny to you, or you don't like a situation or particular couple, then run (don't walk) toward the nearest exit. You have to protect yourself - you can't depend on anyone else to do it for you.

In short - if you don't like it, don't do it.

[femnewb4u2]

Hello all. Thank you for your support, your comments and your questions. Unfortunately two things have happened. I waited too long to respond to my own thread and I cannot figure out how to quote from more than one of you at a time in order to ask all the questions of you I would like. Please bare with me as I work this out in a long post for any of you still there.

To MrKLin. Thank you for the reminder of if it does not feel right walk away, that being choosy is a good thing not a character default in this case. My approach to life has been one of open to new experiences all the time. This is one of those times where discrimination is not necessarily judgmentalism. I t was important to hear that tweak from you and others. There is no one else to do it for me than me as you put it so well.

To twoforone100: what a sweet comment...

We would say that a life style club can be a good choice or a couple you click with... the issue with clubs is play tends to be more expected..... the couples who will take their time with you... are usually worth it.....

To absingleman: You said

"The fact is that most 'swingers' are not used to actually communicating with single men or women when it comes to swinging because they think that we still think like college age singles looking to score after class or at a bar. Once they take off those blinders, they approach us like adults rather than children or sex toys. Not that sometimes being a sex toy isn't fun, but thats for after you've talked to me. LOL"

What a great way for me to look at it! Had not thought of that before. It is part of what I am doing. Looking for a way to be seen as an adult not a sex toy. Not that I am opposed ... Just as you said...after the getting to know one another. I would imagine it could be fun to be a sex toy with the right person/people.

"You seem to know what you don't want in an encounter, so I would suggest that you not think so much of what went wrong and spend a little more time learning about what went right. You truly have to hold BOTH members of the couple to the same standards you, as a woman, would hold a single man you decided to date or sleep with. As a bisexual, maybe more so. Don't doubt your technique unless you are turning off EVERYONE you contact or contacts you.

I do not think my techniques have turned everyone off. At least I hope not! I am taking what you said regarding focusing on what did go right.

To fun4Ds:

[I]What about when the questions are asked in return ?[/I

] ONe couple, not withstanding, when I was asked similar questions in return it was almost as if my answers were not read. Maybe my reply was too heady or long winded for the couple asking my questions back. Had a feeling they wanted some sex kitten reply back and I was doing the intellectual, emotional answer. LOL. But for the most part my questions of the sort I am speaking do not seem to elicit similar questions back. Hmmm?

How do you feel about one or either of them, as opposed to them as a couple. We have stumped a few with that question. Usually a very long...... pause. If its a woman. Most guys posing or just wanting to get their wives together with another woman, have more of a quick "its all good" answer.

Do you get that kind of feed back ?

The comment and question above I do not understand. Could you enlighten me further? Please.

I think that's why so many people say, just go to the meet and greets, house parties or a club

Several have mentioned that. Just how does one get invited to those? And I do not mean the "oh we see you on line...having a party right now...come over since you are a single bi female" ones I do recieve.

To Likeminds321:

If people are not responding well to your questions, maybe it's your approach. You may be too cerebral - and I don't mean to make that sound bad, I like thinkers. However, some folks need some light-hearted flirty conversation along with the defining of terms, play rules, etc. What I'm trying to say is be sure your e-mails and phone conversations don't come off as an interrogation

I have wondered if I was being too cerebral and not flirtatious enough. Though have noticed when communicating the the males of the couple flirtation will be there on their end to play with ...the females tend not to chat in that manner. Something I will work on. Thank you.

Julie:

Honestly, the questions/ issues you are dealing with combined with the other side of the coin "oh you're bi, then you'll do me!" (note the lack of question) was what pushed me from wanting to be involved in the lifestyle as a SBF.

You hit it on the nail....the lack of question!

[I

Make it a point that you want to talk with the FEMALE half of the couple prior to meeting. Once you get her on the phone you can then ask your questions about what got them where they are. A good starter question is "what got you intersted in swinging/threesomes/?" and see how she replies. You'll be able to tell a lot from the way she answers. You can then ask her directly what her feelings are about being with a woman, has she been with a woman before and what she likes about it, what she wants to do/try.

Good suggestion. Would be a nice way to help weed out the answers not matching the actions later. Thank you.

To ncmd:

As the male half of a couple I would be happy to answer your questions as to what we do, and don't, want. If a couple seems to be put off by your questions, say no thanks and move on. Their reluctance to answer or confusion over the questions means that they are either fakes or they don't have their ducks in one row, and that means future drama that you don't need

That is how it feels to me. They do not have their ducks in a row. Ran across that just a couple weeks ago. As I spent time with a couple I realized they were not on the same page with desires of how they wanted me. So back to making sure I ask the pointed questions. What an amazing journey all this has been!

To iapr:

your own "leeryness" is way more the reality than most people's fantasy. The things you are concerned about ARE legitimate concerns and there are a lot more legitimate concerns for a single than what you have mentioned.
If you want a laundry list of things to be concerned about let me know and then dig out your reading glasses

I have my reading glasses out if you are still of a mind!

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by femnewb4u2

Hello all. Thank you for your support, your comments and your questions. Unfortunately two things have happened. I waited too long to respond to my own thread and I cannot figure out how to quote from more than one of you at a time in order to ask all the questions of you I would like. Please bare with me as I work this out in a long post for any of you still there.

Thanks for taking a moment to catch up with us

You can turn the quotes on, in any post in the thread. Then when you quote any one, they all (the ones turned on) are joined in the single reply. To each just reply after the last [/QUOTE].

Originally Posted by femnewb4u2

What a great way for me to look at it! Had not thought of that before. It is part of what I am doing. Looking for a way to be seen as an adult not a sex toy. Not that I am opposed ... Just as you said...after the getting to know one another. I would imagine it could be fun to be a sex toy with the right person/people.

They might enjoy being your sex toys in return....

To fun4Ds: ] One couple, not withstanding, when I was asked similar questions in return it was almost as if my answers were not read. Maybe my reply was too heady or long winded for the couple asking my questions back. Had a feeling they wanted some sex kitten reply back and I was doing the intellectual, emotional answer. LOL. But for the most part my questions of the sort I am speaking do not seem to elicit similar questions back. Hmmm?

Thats because I think, most are wanting more of a sexual connection, plain and simple. You seem to have more to offer, than just that. Its not a flaw, its an understanding.

Originally Posted by fun4ds

How do you feel about one or either of them, as opposed to them as a couple. We have stumped a few with that question. Usually a very long...... pause. If its a woman. Most guys posing or just wanting to get their wives together with another woman, have more of a quick "its all good" answer.

Do you get that kind of feed back ?

Originally Posted by femnewb4u2

The comment and question above I do not understand. Could you enlighten me further? Please.

That would be the pause


I guess what I meant, or should have said. When you find an interest in a couple, do you find an attraction to both equally, as a couple.

Do you feel or find that in return, when they both find you attractive intellectually and sexually ?

[femnewb4u2]

That would be the pause


I guess what I meant, or should have said. When you find an interest in a couple, do you find an attraction to both equally, as a couple.

Do you feel or find that in return, when they both find you attractive intellectually and sexually ?

Thank you for clarifying. Have not had enough face to face experience to answer that question fully. Stay tune for a better answer!

[twoforone100]

just checking back in to see how your search is going?