Looking for the single male

[TravlParty]

So, this is probably new. I'm actually looking to replace a regular single male (due to his work schedule changing). Damn, when I finally found one that I liked. He was respectful, nice, clean, and great in bed. Sigh

I'm giving each one a nickname to keep them straight in this story.

I started looking two days ago online at two different sites. Here's my experience so far.

1 - "Boater" male who was part of a swinging couple. He has all the right attributes, but can't get away often (job).

2 - "Fireman" brand new to lifestyle male. Great looking and speaks well (on chat), but has no idea. Doesn't like the idea of on-premise clubs (they're not friendly to single males, he says). We don't want to invite a complete stranger to our hotel room. Is that odd?

3 - "Trucker" overly aggressive guy, freaked out because I didn't answer his IM right away. I wasn't even online when he text me. Geez!

4 - "Exec" Nice looking gentleman plays with a girlfriend (both straight). This is the most promising. Made a date at the club. Fingers crossed.


The initial meets will happen this weekend. Will let you know how things go.

Just wondering - how does everyone else approach single males? How do you nicely tell them there's no chemistry? I'm usually very direct, but don't want to hurt feelings either. Also, the last thing I need is another stalker (been there).

I thought about calling girlfriends to ask for references, and did talk to a couple. They couldn't give me anyone they would recommend.

I'm surprised at how difficult this is.



Mrs. T

[BiloxiCouple]

Here's my opinion.

Fireman doesn't want to follow your way/rules. Drop him. You get to dictate how you are comfortable.

Trucker is aggressive and possessive now. How do you think he'll be when there is a hook up? Your stalker.

The other two may be okay. This opinion was given with only a couple of sentences on each of the guys. There is always more information that we aren't privy to.

How do you approach and let down? Just like anyone else. You'll have to go with the flow of the conversation. Direct I think is better so there is no confusion later on if you are absolutely sure there needs to be a let down.

[LikeMinds321]

Meeting all four guys in one weekend sounds like a very full weekend. We'd never put that much on one weekend because it'd be too much to handle. We'd limit it to two new people on different days because we're always open to play on the first meet if all goes well and we only have enough energy for two romps in one weekend.

It sounds like you're looking for only one guy, why limit it to only one new guy? I would think it would be possible for meet a couple of single men who could work out. You'd also up your chance of playing more with single men if you have a few regulars on your list.

It sounds like a couple are not good candidates, so why meet them?

As BiloxiCouple said, we'd approach single men like the couples we approach. If we hit it off and like the people we meet, we play on that first meet if everyone is open to it - we like to take advantage of the moment since matching times to meet can sometimes be hard. Or, we set up a date to meet later because we don't have the time to do so on the first meet, but we all know we're up for playing.

If we don't click on that first meet we close the meet with a thank you and "we'll be in touch" and the next day we send an e-mail saying we don't feel there was enough compatibilty (or some such thing). If the other couple/single said at the meet that they wanted to play with us - and we didn't - we'd tell them we didn't feel ready to do so but would let them know if we did. Then we'd probably let it fade or write them and tell them we were not interested. But we've not had to do this. This situation hasn't come up for us yet.

I wouldn't contact other swinger friends asking for their advice on whether we should play/meet another swinger. Who they like doesn't mean we'd like too. Ultimately, we make our choices based on how we feel about people, not how others feel about them.

Let us know how things go.

Good luck!

LM

[bbarnsworth]

Profiles and online communication offer only hints at how a person really is. Even photographs show little depth. Quick meet and greets are an easy way to filter for prospective play mates, and can save a heck of a lot of time over back and forth e-mails, chats, and phone conversations. You get a much quicker read on chemistry in person than via any other method. So, I think you're idea of meeting four of them this weekend is a great idea.

My wife and I are venturing down the MFM pathway right now, having experienced couples before. We've been in contact with a few single men, but haven't met any just yet. We expect to meet a few of them in the coming weeks. My wife asked "What if I like all three of them?" I said, "Then have sex with all three of them. There's no quota here!"

Approaching them is easy; just put out feelers voicing some interest in them. Since single males are in an oversupply situation, you'll probably get rapid responses to the ones you do contact. Rejecting them is easy as well; just the same as you would with a couple. Polite, but to the point; "We enjoyed spending time with you but did not feel the chemistry was there to take this any further. Thanks for your interest. Bye." I wouldn't worry so much about hurt feelings. Regulars in the lifestyle know there is going to be some rejection from time to time. The non-regulars, well they need to learn Just be polite in your rejection.

I concur with BiloxiCouple's assessment of Trucker. Major warning flags popping up on that one. The other three, see where it goes.

[MrkLin]

I'd drop Trucker like a hot rock as well. It sounds like Fireman might be a problem too - you can do better.

For the first 8 years of our adventures in the lifestyle, we were looking exclusively for single males for Lin. One thing we insisted on was meeting any prospective playmates over coffee in a neutral public place, with the understanding that nothing else would happen that day. We'd spend an hour or two talking and just getting to know the person, then let him know that we'd be in touch. After the meeting, Lin and I would discuss what we thought of him, and whether or not we thought he'd be a good candidate for her. Some were, some weren't. If not, I contacted him and told him that we didn't think things would work between the three of us, and thank him for his understanding. If we thought he was a good candidate, she'd contact him and make further arrangements.

We still do the same thing with any potential playmates, whether they be couples or single males. We usually have a great time chatting whether there's a connection or not.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by TravlParty

So, this is probably new. I'm actually looking to replace a regular single male (due to his work schedule changing). Damn, when I finally found one that I liked. He was respectful, nice, clean, and great in bed. Sigh

That sucks! I hate it when we have a good one and he either gets married, starts a dating relationship or moves

Just wondering - how does everyone else approach single males? How do you nicely tell them there's no chemistry? I'm usually very direct, but don't want to hurt feelings either. Also, the last thing I need is another stalker (been there).

I thought about calling girlfriends to ask for references, and did talk to a couple. They couldn't give me anyone they would recommend.

I'm surprised at how difficult this is.



Mrs. T

It's been so long since Ted and I looked for single males through an ad site, I'm not sure I remember how we did it. For the past few years we've found all our single male play buddies through house parties, which is great because you can try them on for size that night or just talk to them and get their contact info to use another time.

When we were looking on ad sites, I'd usually contact someone I found had an interesting profile, as well as met my looks requirement. We'd chat for a bit and if the chat went well, we'd set up a meet for a drink somewhere. From there we were able to decide if it was going to work or not. When we were contacted by single men, we used the same M.O., chat for a while, set up a meet and then see where things go. We always made it known that the first meet was just a "get to know you" meet and no play should be expected. Of course, more often than not...we usually did play on the first meet If we felt that it just wasn't going to work, an e-mail the next day thanking them for meeting us but, we just didn't feel it was going to happen and wishing them well, was sent.

We also used references from other couples who also enjoy playing with single men. I've always said, word of mouth was the best advertisement for single men...if one couple likes you word will get around that you're a good one.

Attending clubs and socials that allowed single men, was also a way we met them.

I hope things work out for you...I know I hate it when I lose one from my stable.


Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Have to agree with those that said to drop "trucker". I don't know that I would drop "fireman" yet. I think I would encourage him with the idea that on-premise clubs while they may not be as welcoming to single guys, it really comes down more to his personality. And if he clicks with you,he won't have to worry about whether or not the club is welcoming... and most likely it will become even moreso because he will have already gotten the approval of at least one couple at the club.

I'm curious, is the plan to have them all meet you at the club Saturday night? (if so I'm wishing we could get away to see this... it would be interesting to say the least).

[TravlParty]

We'd never put that much on one weekend because it'd be too much to handle.

Since we're traveling 2.5 hrs to another town to go to the club, it makes it a bit harder to arrange coffee/drink dates before the club. I'm trying to meet as many as possible to determine the "one" (or two or three) that could be possibilities for the future.

Hubby basically agreed with the advice here. Let a few know we'll be at the club and when. If they show up fine, and then weed out the non-chemistry ones. Play at the club; not in our hotel room. Both of us agreed we don't want anyone in our "private" space that we don't know well.

I talked a bit more with Fireman last night, and he just seems a bit shy. I think I can warm him up a bit. He agreed to meet first and then go to the club if I wish. Much better second chat.

The two singles, Exec and lady, are a definite meet. They're both gorgeous and sexy. Hope we meet their expectations.

My wife asked "What if I like all three of them?" I said, "Then have sex with all three of them. There's no quota here!"

Good point!

I hope things work out for you...I know I hate it when I lose one from my stable.

Thank you for understanding. He's not totally out - just working extra through the winter. I should get him back next summer. Plus, he lives about 15 minutes away.

Trucker is out, as well as a couple more who kept insisting on pics.

I'm curious, is the plan to have them all meet you at the club Saturday night?

Yup, wish you could be there too.

[TravlParty]

It's been so long since Ted and I looked for single males through an ad site, I'm not sure I remember how we did it. For the past few years we've found all our single male play buddies through house parties, which is great because you can try them on for size that night or just talk to them and get their contact info to use another time.

It's harder than I thought it would be with all the talk about the plethora of single men. I just have a specific type that I'm attracted to (tall and bald).

All of the house parties in this area that we attend don't allow single men. It was like pulling teeth to get the lifestyle resort to allow single men, and then, they're only allowed as a guest of a member. So, no new guys are coming.

[TravlParty]

It was a strange weekend, and we didn't meet anyone we had made arrangements with because it was so dark we couldn't make out faces. Lesson learned - take cell phone so you can text and find each other.

I should have taken night vision goggles I guess.


"Fireman" was at the club and even in the same room, but we couldn't see a thing.

"Exec" was at the club and in the group room. Again, we couldn't see a thing.

We re-joined with a group we had been members of a couple of years ago. Not one couple spoke to us, so I guess we're out of the "clique" LOL (not that we care).

We ended up having a great weekend anyway, as always.

We're going to try again in a couple of weeks.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by TravlParty

It was a strange weekend, and we didn't meet anyone we had made arrangements with because it was so dark we couldn't make out faces. Lesson learned - take cell phone so you can text and find each other.

I should have taken night vision goggles I guess.


"Fireman" was at the club and even in the same room, but we couldn't see a thing.

"Exec" was at the club and in the group room. Again, we couldn't see a thing.

Oh no! Well darn! Like you said, a lesson learned and one that we can all learn from.

When meeting at a club (a single or a couple) where there might be little light, set up a specific spot and/or time to meet..."We'll be the couple sitting two tables over from the left/right of the DJ booth (bathroom, door, bar)" .

Glad to hear you had a good time anyway.


Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by TNT

Oh no! Well darn! Like you said, a lesson learned and one that we can all learn from.

When meeting at a club (a single or a couple) where there might be little light, set up a specific spot and/or time to meet..."We'll be the couple sitting two tables over from the left/right of the DJ booth (bathroom, door, bar)" .

And then hope that you get there early enough to grab said table.

My guess is that this Saturday at said club was Swing Lifestyle night and based on past experience if you don't get there when the doors open for the Swing Lifestyle members and take advantage of the early opening, you'll be lucky to find a table later...and for some reason they seem to turn the lights down even more than they normally do right about the time the club normally opens.

We've been lucky the few times we've made plans to meet anyone there and they've actually found us.

[TravlParty]

Update...

1. Fireman - not sexually compatible

2. Exec - had an excellent time!

Something strange happened though. We arranged to meet long-time friends (L&T) at the club. Arrived early and reserved 2 tables together. L&T arrive and we showed them where we were sitting, and mentioned that Exec and his lady friend would probably join us. They said they knew them and that they were "players" and then went to sit elsewhere. WTF!! So, we proceeded to have a fun night and didn't really worry about L&T or what they were doing. Late in the evening, L&T came over and were aggressively flirting (she pulled off her top and rubbed all over hubby's face). We're thinking, "well, they didn't want to sit with us and be associated with Exec, but they want to play." They proceed up to the group area, and we follow. It was like a damn oven, so we went elsewhere and stayed to ourselves (great sex, no swap). No problem.

So, Exec and his lady friend give us a fantastic certification. I haven't accepted it yet, because I'm wondering if we do, will that prevent others from contacting us.

It's starting to feel like high school! We enjoy ourselves with a couple, but because they have a "reputation" we're afraid our other friends won't associate with us anymore. How stupid!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by TravlParty

They said they knew them and that they were "players" and then went to sit elsewhere. WTF!!

What was your interpretation of the word "players?"

I ask because I'm not clear on what that means and wonder what they meant.

What would you have to discover about Exec and his girlfriend for you to term them as players?

LM

[fun4Ds]

Do you need the cert ?

For us, we don't need one now. We do look at certs sometimes. So many we lose track of who we were looking at to begin with.

All of those we can see their personal need to do so. From new members, to group members. Some, seem like an obligation even. We just don't have the need. We would give or except any from people, if the need is there. All of them would have a time limit. whether we are wrong or right, people understand how we feel. Cant say it has ever caused problems with others.....

If it did, I would think it a bit cynical, from their side