The Single Male - Swinger??

[SecretAsianMan]

Here's something which I've been pondering for years... exactly what is that differentiates a "single male" in this lifestyle from any other red-blooded male looking for sex-partners & a good time??

Is it simply his willingness to not become overly emotionally bonded with the people he's sexual with? (Which is usually not an issue with MOST single-males in or out in the lifestyle)

Is is his willingness to be with couples as a third / -fourth / -fifth / etc. ? (I'd give odds that most single guys wouldn't have many issues with this either)

Or is it his willingness to continue with this lifestyle even after he's "acquired" a partner??

So ... what is it, in your opinion that makes a single guy a "swinger" versus just being a "regular guy" ?

[Dynamar]

I'd say all of the above. To me, any single (male or female) looking to participate in the lifestyle differentiates him/herself from vanilla singles by the venues they choose in which to find casual sex.

Swingers seek out lifestyle websites, clubs and house parties. Many swingers are open to playing with couples or in groups, or participating in bi-sexual activity.

Vanillas use dating sites, bars and nightclubs. Many vanillas (although not all... I'm not making a blanket statement here) are pretty much serially monogamous.

[JustAskJulie]

To me it's his understanding of all involved. There are single males (and even females) who want to swing and who do actually play with couples but I would not consider them SWINGERS for the simple reason of they lack the understanding of what is required on the part of the couples. They don't realize that yes these couples really do love each other and are committed to each other. They don't understand the boundaries that are in place or why they are there. These are often the same single males that are perfectly ok with being a third or with having sex with some other guys wife, but if you asked them if they would swing if they were in a committed relationship the answer would be "hell no, I respect my woman too much for that" or "hell no, I couldn't watch my woman with someone else". Again basically proving that they really don't get where the couples involved are coming from.

The difference is the attitude.

[Opportunists]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I would not consider them SWINGERS for the simple reason of they lack the understanding of what is required on the part of the couples. .

My best friend is a SM who owns our local LS club [he started it with his SO, but they split a couple of years ago]...

Because he is so well known and liked among the couples in town, he is always invited to couples only house parties, area clubs etc.

However, he has told me that he no longer considers himself a 'swinger' because he's single.

We would tend to agree... if you are single, then you might be moving within the lifestyle, but essentially you are dating/seeking sex as you would in a singles bar... but you're not really swinging... at least IOurO.

[SecretAsianMan]

I guess then maybe I'm only a "borderline" swinger ... I do it when I'm single (and would do it with a partner if she were also into the lifestyle) - but my last few relationships have all been fairly monogamous.

Or maybe I don't really fall into a category

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

I guess then maybe I'm only a "borderline" swinger ... I do it when I'm single (and would do it with a partner if she were also into the lifestyle) - but my last few relationships have all been fairly monogamous.

Or maybe I don't really fall into a category

Eh, whatever. You're still welcome here

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

Here's something which I've been pondering for years... exactly what is that differentiates a "single male" in this lifestyle from any other red-blooded male looking for sex-partners & a good time??

Nothing, because there is no difference. Most single guys like to fuck. If they're horny enough, they'll fuck anything. Fat women. Old women. Other guys wives. Other guys AND their wives. Guys dressed up like other guys wives. Single males will fuck anything and anybody, and those who hang around swingers clubs and websites aren't "swingers," they're opportunists.

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

So ... what is it, in your opinion that makes a single guy a "swinger" versus just being a "regular guy" ?

Nothing really, but if a single guy were to say "Hey, would any of you like to fuck my girlfriend? I'll just stand here and watch" he might have a little more credibility as a "swinger."

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

I guess then maybe I'm only a "borderline" swinger ... I do it when I'm single (and would do it with a partner if she were also into the lifestyle) - but my last few relationships have all been fairly monogamous.

NOW we're getting to the heart of the matter, the "litmus test" that defines whether you're a swinger or not. I think you answered your own question

"Single male swingers" do NOT have "monogamous relationships" with women who are not in the lifestyle.

This lifestyle is obviously a very important part of your life. Why would you want to be in a "monogamous relationship" with somebody who doesn't share it with you? Is it like Julie said, that you "respect your woman too much" to bring her around people like us?

Personally, and this is just my own, PERSONAL opinion, I think ALL swingers start out as couples. I believe it's the only way you can truly know all the emotions and issues that are involved in this. Sometimes, when a person becomes single either through death or divorce, they can continue in the lifestyle as a "single swinger" if they choose. We know 2 males and 1 female who did just that for a while, but now they've all dropped out until they find new partners.

I don't think you can go from being a "single male" to a "single swinging male" without passing "Married swinging couple"

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

Personally, and this is just my own, PERSONAL opinion, I think ALL swingers start out as couples. I believe it's the only way you can truly know all the emotions and issues that are involved in this. Sometimes, when a person becomes single either through death or divorce, they can continue in the lifestyle as a "single swinger" if they choose. We know 2 males and 1 female who did just that for a while, but now they've all dropped out until they find new partners.

I don't think you can go from being a "single male" to a "single swinging male" without passing "Married swinging couple"

Warning: alert!

And what if you're a single female? Who's never been involved in the lifestyle as half of a committed couple?

Your opinion may be your opinion, and you're by all means entitled to it. But you kinda muss up your logic when you use the word ALL. Because this swinger did not start as a couple. [/threadjack]

[SecretAsianMan]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

"Single male swingers" do NOT have "monogamous relationships" with women who are not in the lifestyle.

This lifestyle is obviously a very important part of your life. Why would you want to be in a "monogamous relationship" with somebody who doesn't share it with you? Is it like Julie said, that you "respect your woman too much" to bring her around people like us?

I don't think you can go from being a "single male" to a "single swinging male" without passing "Married swinging couple"

I've personally never really sought to "limit" my choice in the women I enter into relationships with. Some of them have been into the lifestyle... others have not... but all have known about my experience in the lifestyle. It's a part of my life - but not the only part of it.

It's not that I "respect her too much to bring her around" - but I do respect that if she's not interested in the lifestyle, I shouldn't force it upon her. I still introduce her to all my friends (swingers, polyamorous, monogamous, gay, straight, bisexual, etc.) and we even attend social events together with all these people.

... (shrug) ... but this isn't a thread to define "my" role in the lifestyle. I'm fairly comfortable in my role and probably won't be changing that. I feel this thread has started to focus a little too much on "me" ... let's get back to the original question:

Single male "swingers" ... what defines them (in your eyes) and what makes them different from "regular" non-monogamous single males in society?

EDIT:

The previous poster above me brings up a good point as well... we could open up this discussion to be about "singles" in general in the swinger-scene.

(I like this... the discussion is actually starting to really get good / in-depth)

[two42lovers]

We really like Julie's definition, but then started thinking...

Are couples who only do threesomes with one gender swingers? (For example, if they play with women only, because they are not comfortable with the female-half playing with other men?) We'd say yes, but that means guys who are not OK with their wives playing with other guys can still be swingers...

As far as we can tell, the only common denominator for swingers is honesty with their play-partners, and doing everything above board and with the consent of their significant other.

If you are solo your circumstances are very different as compared to couples. Whether singles are "swingers" or not depends on how you define the word. Singles can certainly be players in the lifestyle just like married couples. Singles have no commitment to a spouse, so the the whole notion of recreational sex is very different for them, and the "eye-glass" they see swingdom through is also very different.

[VegasLee]

Many years ago when the Swinging Lifestyle was outed the definition for swinging was "Recreational sex between consenting adults".

Over the years many in their own minds have narrowed that definition to fit their OWN Lifestyle.

Does not mean they are right or wrong, but only what fits them.

Forget the titles, do what works for you as long as you are not hurting others.

No reason to try to limit others to be what you want them to be, it is not your place in life to make rules for others, only for your self.

[two42lovers]

Many years ago when the Swinging Lifestyle was outed the definition for swinging was "Recreational sex between consenting adults".

So two guys having recreational sex in a public toilet is swinging? (Seems to fit your definition perfectly.)

The OP is asking what is the difference is between singles in the lifestyle verses singles who simply enjoy sex outside the bounds of committment. Whether or not singles are called "swingers" or "players" - or any term - is irrelevant. Couples who play are not better or more real than singles who play - but singles and couples have very different perspectives and objectives.

The question is a good one - what is the difference, if any, between "regular" singles who have casual/no-committments sex, and "lifestyle" singles?

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

So two guys having recreational sex in a public toilet is swinging? (Seems to fit your definition perfectly.)

Your right, that would have fit the definition that was in the dictionary 30 years ago.

I guess two women having sex in a public toilet would have been considered the same.

The Definition was only changed about 20 years ago when Dr. McGinley kept harping at the main Dictionary companies about adding "couples" to the definition. Now I am saying that because that is a statement he has made proudly many times over the years. He takes credit of the change of the definition after he started the Lifestyles Org.

Still does not make it right or wrong, just his view and what he has preached for years.

Bottom line is none of these "titles" mean anything to anyone except the one defining them.

[two42lovers]

Interesting. Even so, just because some guy somewhere at some point in time said "recreational sex" is the definition of swinging doesn't make it so. People have said a lot of things about sex for a lot of reasons over the years, and many have stated their opinions with great certainty. (Even to the point of jailing those who didn't go along - but that's a different subject.)

If an uncommitted person having consentual sex is all it takes to be a swinger, all the world are swingers.

No reason to try to limit others to be what you want them to be, it is not your place in life to make rules for others, only for your self.

Totally agree, but what does it have to do with discussing the differences, if any, between "regular" singles who have casual/no-committments sex, and "lifestyle" singles? If there is no difference, why do so many say couples should look for singles in the lifestyle, verses vanilla singles who don't know the "rules"? (If those vanilla singles like recreational sex, they ARE swingers according to your definition.)

[LikeMinds321]

Here's how I see it.

Married couples (or even unmarried couples in a committed relationship who are living together in all ways as married people do - may even have children) are what makes swinging exist. Without couples, as I've described, there would be no swinging.

Singles are part of swinging because of couples, and if they are having sex with couples, or even one of a couple, they are swingers too.

Singles who I don't consider swingers are those who use swinger ad sites and clubs soley as an avenue to meet other singles. They never play with couples in any form nor have any intention of doing so. There are a few of those around.

LM