Dating Challenges

[ohash01]

I left a 4 year swinging relationship about 6 months ago. I have been out with a couple of nice guys since then. The first one just stopped calling. The second one just told me tonight he couldn't keep seeing me because I'm still friends with some of the people I had swung with in the past and one of the girls is coming into town for a local festival this weekend and he's sure I'd cheat on him. I tried to assure him that none of them are a sexual relationship anymore due to various reasons. Plus, I am not a cheater...never have been, highly doubt I ever will be.

Are any other swinging singles having trouble being honest and keeping good people around to date? How to do you handle this? Should I actively TRY to find swingers to date? The problem I see with that is it would limit my options and if I found the love of my life and he said no swinging, that'd be completely okay with me.

I feel like if I kept my past private I wouldn't have these problems, but that would be leaving out a big part of my life that I really enjoyed and that wouldn't make me feel comfortable either...too close to lying by omission. And I certainly won't ditch friends I've known for 4 or 5 years for someone I met a month ago.

[VegasLee]

You have to be you to be able to live with yourself.

If someone that you have been with one month it already telling you who you can and can not be friends with then I think it was best you found out now and not later how he is. You did not waste a big part of your life.

Honesty in any relationship is always best, swinging or not. If you can't be honest about who you are and your past then there is little chance that the future would work with them either.

Do what works for you. You have not been "single" that long. Look around, see what feels good for you and go with it. If swinging is just a thing of the past and you can live with that, then date in the straight world. If Swinging was an important part of your life and you fit there well, then head that way.

Only you know for sure where you fit in and can decide your life.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by ohash01

Are any other swinging singles having trouble being honest and keeping good people around to date?

Would a married, swinging, male, who plays with single women alsos, oppinion be O.K. ?

[ohash01]

Yeah...that was the big problem. I WANT to be honest with anyone there is dating potential with. I just feel like I got punished for actually being honest.

And any opinions count...I just asked for swinging singles because I figured someone else had run into the same issue.

[iapr]

If you are open to the idea of a traditional monogamous relationship I think you are best off leaving your options open and not limiting yourself to single men that are in the lifesyle.

while I do understand the concept of not wanting to "hide" a part of yourself I do believe that a person's prior sexual history is best left private no matter what the circumstance.

There really isn't anything to be gained by telling anyone about your sexual history and there is a lot to be lost as you have experienced firsthand. That people have been threatened and turned off by hearing about your past swinging adventures is not an aberation or a fluke. Most vanilla men WILL be threatened and turned off by knowing about your past even though they will initially tell you that they are comfortable with it.

I know we live in an age where people think they need to be open and honest about private affairs but you need to ask yourself if revealing your sexual past to boyfriend is really necessary or not. Is there really any reason whatsoever that HE needs to know what you have done in the sack before he came along. It might make YOU feel slightly better to be open and honest but is it any real benifit to him or your relationship that he knows you used to be a swinger? Chances are a zillion to one that his knowledge of your prior sexual exploits will not be of benifit to him or your relationship with him.

[des1re06]

From someone who was in a marriage with a control freak...

If a man or woman is telling you (an adult) who you can and cannot be friends with - RUN!

Best thing I learned from therapy - Make a list of 10 things you want in a partner and stick to it. Whether they are swingers or not doesn't really matter. They must meet your criteria or move along. Don't settle.

Enjoy your life and finding out who you are.

Good luck!

Mrs. D

[Edison Carter]

susan here-- You are not being punished for being honest. What you are doing is sifting out the men who simply won't work out. It just happens sooner rather than later. And, sooner is much better than later.

Besides, who needs some guy who you have been seeing only a month and assumes you'll be 'cheating'. First, it's pretty arrogant to think after one month he would have a stack of rights to fidelity.

Lastly, how nice are these guys really ? One just stops calling, the other guy tries to control who you see. These aren't nice guys at all.

I told Ed that I had group sex the first time he asked me for a date. It never bothered him, since from his perspective, as long as I was single, I had my options always open to my choices. The only thing to do was be honest in all things.

I married this wonderful man and now we have Swing play together. How cool is that ?!

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by ohash01

I left a 4 year swinging relationship about 6 months ago. I have been out with a couple of nice guys since then. The first one just stopped calling. The second one just told me tonight he couldn't keep seeing me because I'm still friends with some of the people I had swung with in the past and one of the girls is coming into town for a local festival this weekend and he's sure I'd cheat on him. I tried to assure him that none of them are a sexual relationship anymore due to various reasons. Plus, I am not a cheater...never have been, highly doubt I ever will be.

Are you looking to date nice guys for a possible relationship or looking for more of a person to swing with ? Did either of these guys have any prior knowledge of the swinging lifestyle ?

Are any other swinging singles having trouble being honest and keeping good people around to date? How to do you handle this?

I asked a few of our playmates (male and female) about your situation over a few days and all of them said "NOPE" They don't tell vanilla people in the beginning, about us or their past. As a relationship develops they would feel obligated to tell more, if they felt they could handle it.

Mrs.fun says she wouldn't tell anyone anything more about her past, without trust being developed first.

Should I actively TRY to find swingers to date? The problem I see with that is it would limit my options and if I found the love of my life and he said no swinging, that'd be completely okay with me.

This fits in more to my way of thinking. I probably would have ended up a swinger anyhow regardless. I just never had an anti swinger bone in my body or mind as far as I can remember... Go figure

So that leaves me hypothetically dating you I feel like if we were dating and starting out I would and should, respect your privacy. This is about us..not them. I just wouldn't expect you to tell me everything on your own in the beginning. Now, if it came to a point that I were falling in love with you, as the relationship developed and acknowledged that fact. Thats when I would want to know. But thats just me, I can date and be in love with a swinger

I feel like if I kept my past private I wouldn't have these problems, but that would be leaving out a big part of my life that I really enjoyed and that wouldn't make me feel comfortable either...too close to lying by omission.

Hey, Its not like we tell vanilla people everything about our little secret anyhow. Guilty as charged here .

And I certainly won't ditch friends I've known for 4 or 5 years for someone I met a month ago

As we tell our single swinging friends. We understand, they have regular dating lives.

Originally Posted by ohash01

Yeah...that was the big problem. I WANT to be honest with anyone there is dating potential with. I just feel like I got punished for actually being honest.

I don't think they punished you. They ran from something they dont understand as most people do. You have done what you feel you should, as an honest person. They just either don't understand, or they are idiots if you tried to explain. At least by my standards. But, swinging is not for everyone.

Bottom line, Dont tell people right off the bat. Hold off till their is some trust earned.

If you fall in love with a straight vanilla guy....and want to divuldge everything about yourself.... Bring him to the Swingers Board.....

[dayhiker]

I've dated two women since I did some swinging. It was especially hard for the 2nd one. But I like you was honest. She has got past it but still ask me accountability questions. All of my sexual activity wasn't honest in the past so I expect this questioning. I do think it speaks to the quality of the person that can handle and love an ex swinger.

So I think you did the right thing in telling and the best thing happened in you getting to know what he was like under the nice veneer.
dayhiker

[interested-05]

This is a tough question, And finding a full answer will only come as you grow and mature, and hopefully learn from the mistakes others, as well as your own. My answer is short, but there are others who can help you sort things out, which is what this board is all about.
ok, you are young, single, and sensual. Most of the guys expect you are not a virgin anyway. its possible these guys simply wanted to play with you and you gave them a good excuse to drop you. Others will find it as a good excuse to keep seeing you. As the old saying goes, "buyer beware"

That being said, in love and war, "Discretion is the better part of valor", Be choosey about what you tell about yourself to whom, judiciously discover what this person is all about. It may be that they harbor a desire to explore the lifestyle, themselves. They may not. Telling all in the first month is less important than discovering what we are looking for in a long term relationship.
Eventually who you and they are sexually, will become very important. your ability to be honest with each other, followed by the trust you have built between yourselves must be nutured, and takes Time.
the story of the lives we create, is ours to build. Take it one step at a time, and discover what it is you want out of life.

[absingleman]

1... One month is too soon for someone to be telling you who you should be seeing or what you will do if you see them. That is one of the first signs of a serial abusive person.
2... You sex life may be fun to talk about, but some people are afraid they won't measure up to your past sex partners. Others may be afraid you want them to do things they are afraid to do. Still, others will lie in an attempt to be more attractive to you. Keep it simple. Only tell them enough to keep them interested and don't reveal more until you know how much they want to invest in you.
3... Stop thinking in terms of being rewarded or punished. That reduces relationships to a business deal, which leads to keeping score, which leads manipulative behavior, which leads to abusive behavior. I got lucky and left a relationship that was beginning to be emotionally abusive because the woman said one thing that pissed me off. Most people don't get that lucky. The idea that you have to do this and that, and give up one thing or another in order for him to be happy is dangerous. Don't do it. DON'T DO IT!!!!
4... Dating is supposed to be about enjoying new people in different situations. Don't get roped into thinking it means exclusivity. That is being in a committed relationship, not dating. It is possible to go straight to being in a committed relationship without dating, but why would you unless he is just wonderful (like me LOL). If you have to be honest about your sex life, don't say more than you sometimes have sex with the people you go out with and sometimes you don't.
5... You don't have to tell everything until you are ready to commit, and you can't know you are ready to commit to someone until you know you can trust them. Too much information isn't being honest, its being vain and arrogant. That is not good. Again, tell the men you date enough to keep them interested, but not enough that they are not curious enough to want to learn more. (Should I be telling her this? I haven't slept enough this week. ugh) Say just enough to make him want to ask questions and meet your friends and family to learn what secrets they have on you. AFTER YOU DECIDE HE IS THE ONE!!! Until then, flirt, have fun, and be yourself. If who you really are is not enough for him, he will move on and you can put some effort into meeting others.

Hope that helps. Personally, the only time I have a problem telling single women I used to swing is that they wonder how I could swing when none of the local clubs allow single men, which is the only real way to meet couples. Then they dismiss me as a poser (or is is troll) . Oh, well.

What were we talking about?

[cocpl2007]

Originally Posted by des1re06

From someone who was in a marriage with a control freak...

If a man or woman is telling you (an adult) who you can and cannot be friends with - RUN!

Best thing I learned from therapy - Make a list of 10 things you want in a partner and stick to it. Whether they are swingers or not doesn't really matter. They must meet your criteria or move along. Don't settle.

Enjoy your life and finding out who you are.

Good luck!

Mrs. D

We are with Mrs. D.

You are in the Swinging/Lifestyle community. And you are trying to dip your toes into the singles "dating" community where long-term monogamy appears to be a goal/necessity of some you date, and even play with. You are mixing two opposites. Within the community here possessiveness will get you no-where, very quick. And it appears that the overlap is where the friction comes from. Do you find yourself wondering if a dating companion becomes possessive in this area, it will develop into that same possessiveness in other areas?

Good Luck