A single male asks "WHY?"

[LFM2]

We got an email this morning from a "single" male. I'm always honest and will write back and tell them that we're just not looking for a single male at this time, but we'll keep them in mind when we're ready to look again, or... in this guys case, I honestly told him he had a couple of red flags in his post and profile and that while we appreciated his interest in us, no thanks. He actually wrote back and asked what red flags popped up. I also wrote that back as you guys can see.

Here's a copy of the emails:

HIM:
Hello
I read your profile and would love to get together. I am home alone all week if your interested in meeting. I am attractive,discreet,fit,std and drug free. I work in a job which this must be discreet so I can't put a photo on here. But if you have one and we want to get together I will send one. I hope to hear from you. I promise you wont be disappointed.

Mrs. LFM:
Thanks for the e-mail, but no thanks. We read your profile too, and to be honest, there were too many red flags that we noticed in your message and your profile.

HIM:
Red Flags Really what red flags may I ask. Thought I was being honest. Guess not to some people. Would like to know the red flags lol.

Mrs. LFM:
In the original email you sent, it's weird for a single male to say he'll be "alone" all week and would like to play. Single males are usually alone all the time. Just an observation. (Maybe in your case, you have kids that live with you and they're gone for vacation or something, but usually they will explain that in the primary email) In your profile, you say you prefer NOT to say if you're married or single in the marital status part. In our experience, this usually means the guy is married and is trying to screw around on his wife. We do know a lot of married men who do play, but they also have their wife's permission. We're not saying you're a cheater, but your profile appears too obscure to think you're not. Just our opinion.

Good luck in finding what you're looking for.

Are you this honest with single males? Have they ever written back and asked you what you meant and why?

I know I also hit a nerve with this guy, and it's not that we don't play with single men, but I'm certainly not going to give a chance to this guy who can't put up a picture (even a faceless one) because of his job. I just don't buy it.

Holly

[JustAskJulie]

The first thing I noticed that left you open for the explanation was that the way you worded your response

Thanks for the e-mail, but no thanks. We read your profile too, and to be honest, there were too many red flags that we noticed in your message and your profile.

would imply to me that you would be interested in him if it were not for the red flags. Therefore he's trying to figure out what he can do to still get with you. I don't think he really cares about the actual red flags as much as figure out if there's a way he can overcome YOUR objections.

While we aren't looking for single men, we have a little group on Swing Lifestyle and single men are allowed to join, if they don't have a photo on their profile they are automatically rejected. I'd say we actually have a pretty big double standard on single males vs. couples... in general we don't care about certifications, we don't accept them and we don't give them. But when it comes to allowing single men to join our group, they must have a photo and a really great profile or some very glowing certs from others in the group.

[iapr]

A couple things.

#1. any time you write back with a reason of why you are not wanting to get together they are going to write back and try to explain why your reasons are not valid or do not apply to them. Some will even be nasty and abusive about it. this also applys to couples and single fems.

#2. if you are going to write back to every single male and explain why you think they are a cheater and their message or profile is suspicious you are going to need a secretary and a staff of writers and whole lot of bandwidth because there are millions of them out there. It's like trying to get rid of a colony of ants by stamping on them one at a time. I am being judgemental but IMHO a cheater does not deserve the keystrokes of a polite response. Delete and go on about your business.

#3. By explaining the red flags to him you have now created an EDUCATED cheater who is going to try and cover his tracks better next time.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by iapr

A couple things.

#1. any time you write back with a reason of why you are not wanting to get together they are going to write back and try to explain why your reasons are not valid or do not apply to them. Some will even be nasty and abusive about it. this also applys to couples and single fems.

which is why we usually don't give them a reason. Just that we're not interested. This one just made me be extra honest this morning. By the time I got the second email, I thought it was a "fuck you" thing.

#2. if you are going to write back to every single male and explain why you think they are a cheater and their message or profile is suspicious you are going to need a secretary and a staff of writers and whole lot of bandwidth because there are millions of them out there. It's like trying to get rid of a colony of ants by stamping on them one at a time. I am being judgemental but IMHO a cheater does not deserve the keystrokes of a polite response. Delete and go on about your business.

Which is what we don't do. I did it just this one time.

#3. By explaining the red flags to him you have now created an EDUCATED cheater who is going to try and cover his tracks better next time.

Which kind of scares me. I have no idea if he was a cheater or not, but if he was, he can hide his tracks now.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

The first thing I noticed that left you open for the explanation was that the way you worded your response

I noticed this too. This is okay IF we want to hear back from someone, but if we don't want to leave the door open we don't leave any room for them to write back with questions.

I've found that even replying, "thanks but we're not interested at this time" has left people hopeful and that wasn't our intent. We weren't interested now and know we won't be in the future, so I leave the "at this time" out of my replies.

My feeling about giving anyone who has red flags in their profile (or through how they communicate) any help or advice is that I would be telling them how they can possibly con other's into thinking they are something they are not.

This guy is probably married, or living at his parent's house, or who the heck knows what, but he doesn't sound like a good prospect for us so I figure why should I help him do better if he's not what we'd want because of the red flags that warned us to stay away from him.

LM

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by iapr

#3. By explaining the red flags to him you have now created an EDUCATED cheater who is going to try and cover his tracks better next time.

that thought had crossed my mind as well. If he "gets" what you are saying and he really is a cheater then he's just going to make the appropriate steps to ensure that what you saw in his profile isn't there for the next person.

[Zoe&Wash]

Hello
I read your profile and would love to get together. I am home alone all week if your interested in meeting. I am attractive,discreet,fit,std and drug free. I work in a job which this must be discreet so I can't put a photo on here. But if you have one and we want to get together I will send one. I hope to hear from you. I promise you wont be disappointed.

You could've just said it's because he can't use apostrophes correctly, and this is a lifestyle where it's vitally important to know the difference between "possessive you" and "action you".

W

[LFM2]

I think my original question was ignored. It wasn't a critique my reply type of question, but have you ever been this honest with a "single" male? We all talk about being honest with each other, but have you ever really told him the truth about why you won't play with him instead of the generic, "Thanks, but no thanks" type of reply.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by Zoe&Wash

You could've just said it's because he can't use apostrophes correctly, and this is a lifestyle where it's vitally important to know the difference between "possessive you" and "action you".

W

He has problems with punctuation marks as well.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by LFM2

Are you this honest with single males? Have they ever written back and asked you what you meant and why?

In e-mails we just try to say no thanks if they have no pics and tell them thats the primary reason.

We have jobs also, but I know for a fact when we first got on board with SwingLifestyle. We new shortly, it was all about some sort of pics. We went to extremes back then to provide something so we could at least grant permission then remove the access at the point of no interest... I could never for the life of me, understand why a single guy looking seriously, can't at least put up a private pic. Then open it to possible couples like us. Then just remove the dang permission if we reject them

We don't block single men so until it becomes a specific user being bothersome we accept mails. Really its the chats that would be where we would be contacted more often anyhow while on line. Thats usually where we say why, if its their profile.

We know for a fact, just like last nights successful meeting with a single male. There are more of the few good ones out there now with pics, if we want to contact them. I think they are catching on to what it takes if they are authentic. They know.....

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by iapr

#3. By explaining the red flags to him you have now created an EDUCATED cheater who is going to try and cover his tracks better next time.

That was my thought too.

Bad profiles are natures way of alerting you 'do not touch'. If someone else helps polish the profile you are no longer getting an honest impression.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by LFM2

I think my original question was ignored. It wasn't a critique my reply type of question, but have you ever been this honest with a "single" male? We all talk about being honest with each other, but have you ever really told him the truth about why you won't play with him instead of the generic, "Thanks, but no thanks" type of reply.

We don't tell singles or couples why we won't meet or play with them since we learned early on that this approach tends to work better for everyone.

The generic reply is the truth. We are being honest. We don't want to meet/play with him. We prefer not to explain why.

LM

[theCHERRYSs]

We had a couple of experiences with single males. One was online and referred by another couple we knew. This guy said everything that he should have said. Answerecd every question as if he had a cheat sheet in front of him. When it came to my last question, he answered it honestly. Would you swing if you had a girlfriend or a wife to participate with you? He said he wouldn't want his girlfriend or his wife to be in this lifestyle. When asked why, he replied that he didn't think men who truly loved their wives would have them in this lifestylehttp://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies...nfused0018.gif Needless to say that encounter didn't happen.

The other contact we had was with a persistent guy who was always funny and kind online and knew that my husband and I weren't accepting single males for play. He would always seem to drop us a line every now and then. Finally he asked why we wouldn't play with single males and when we told him, he went out and found a friend to play with my husband so we could play. Once again, we gave him the answer he needed to get what he desired. It was kind of a turn on to me that he was so persistent though. The playtime wasn't all that it could be. Once we were all in the room together, he couldn't perform because of the excitement of him finally getting what he wanted http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies...olleye0005.gif

I guess the first encounter illustrates honesty from the perspective of the single male. It's not always a question of are we (swinging couples) ever this honest with single males. What if they are as honest with us? Some of them really feel as if they need to sow their royal oats before settling down with a wife or committed relationship.

The second encounter illustrates what I felt the comments to this post were saying. If you answer the question of "why" from a single male then you give them the ability to correct or alter their game plan in order to get what they want.

If you don't want to get with a single male then it might be best to just leave it at that. If you try to give them "pointers" on their profile shortcomings then you end up playing right into their schemes (if they are trying to be cunning or clever). If you want to get with them but aren't sure, then roll up your sleeves and start doing your homework to find the right "fit." They aren't all bad, some are here to fulfill a need....on both ends.

[absingleman]

This was a good topic. Now, once again, I'm going to give the single guy who used to be part of a couple point of view.

Honesty doesn't have to go further than "Sorry, we are not interested. Good luck, though." Anything more says to a single man, "We would want to, but you didn't say or do enough of the right things." Remember, most single men have sex with single women, not couples. Most single men are CONDITIONED to pursue single women by asking them why they are saying "Sorry, not interested." From my two years in a relationship that almost ended in marriage, I know I lost that hunter edge and just moved on when we didn't get that definite yes. I was with a woman who was the most important person on this world to me, and I had no time for anyone who didn't want to be with us, no matter how attracted I/she/we were attracted to her/them. It took me almost four years to regain that hunter's instinct when it came to dating, and it takes a lot of self control to reign those instincts in when it comes to swinging.

I could defend the guy and say that he has roommates (if he's single there's a fifty-fifty chance he lives with one or two other guys if he's under fifty in today's economy) and they have gone away for the weekend, but that should have been in his profile. Its in mine and its not something I try to hide. It explains who answered the phone when I'm not home and why I have such a small window of opportunity. If he is a cop, school teacher, or in the military, having a public picture (especially if he has tatooes) could be a problem, especially if he is new to his job. Again, that should be in his profile. I know many teachers who won't swing with anyone within 100 miles of their home town for that reason. Bottom line, he doesn't know the ropes yet. Don't know how he's going to learn, but that is his problem. He will work it out eventually.

Still, it was a good topic. Personally, I always leave it at "Sorry, not interested. Good luck, though." Most couples and single women accept that and move on. The ones who don't get ignored.

[sweet_tna]

Granted, we don't play with single males, but I found this thread interesting. While the "caretaker" side of me wants to help someone out, the rest of me says if I see warning flags, I should walk away and leave 'em flying for the next couple who comes along. The latter side usually wins out.

Couples and singles you're declining really don't need a reason, though many of us seem to do it anyway. For those of us compelled to provide a reason, it should be kept simple and to the point. "We're not looking for single males/new couples/green giraffes," should suffice.

=)