Not sure where to put this.....

[SexyNSingle]

Recently I reconnected with some friends after several years. At first I would come to town to visit with them both, and it was a known fact between all of us that the DH and I would play (I am now single, when we met years ago I was married) and so we did, with her consent and open mindedness. We encouraged her to participate or watch neither of which she did. She is bi as am I, and I told her that I would be very happy to play with her and her hubby anytime.

Well recently I left a very bad situation, and moved back to my hometown, but these friends opened up their home to me, and I am now living with them, and yes the DH and I play regularly. We have both expressed to his wife that we would really like to have her play with us, as it would feel more of a complete situation. She and I have kissed and cuddled, but that seems to be where it ends for her right now.

She says she has no interest in a poly relationship, yet her husband and I see that this is exactly what our situation has become. I can stay for as long as I like, permanently if I want, or I can move out anytime.

I feel that part of the problem may be that his wife is very attached to being a mom right now to their 2 year old boy, and she hasn't been happy with her appearance (she and I have spoken of this). I told her that I would be happy to talk to her, share with her, all the things that one needs to help ones self esteem.

Yet, today her husband and I played while she was at work and all she wants to know is if we play, not what we do, just when we play.

We both keep waiting for the other shoe to fall off, and have asked her of this, but she swears that she is truly ok with everything.

Thoughts anyone?

[VegasLee]

Since she has expressed that she is not interested in the relationship that is developing in her home I would personally pack my things and let this MARRIED COUPLE have their home and Their relationship.

Someday that other shoe is going to drop and it is not going to be good for anyone involved.

[slevin]

Yeah, it definitely sounds like a situation getting ready to fall apart. I've never been in that kind of situation though so I can't really relate.

As far as what I think though, just some questions: how is her relationship with her husband? Do they have sex regularly? Are they close and talk openly/honestly? Do they spend time together just the two of them, doing things they enjoy together away from the kids?

[midnightplayer]

I would as a male be willing for you to say, selfish is guess as a male, but actually it is best if you move into your own place and leave them to sort out their relationship in their marriage. It is time to leave this and expand your friends basis, you dont want to be in this situation it is not good for any of you ong term.

[two4youinswva]

I've got to agree with the rest, and say it's time to move on.

Things may be "OK" right now, but just the tone of your post leads me to think that at some point all hell is going to break loose.

So, don't wait for the "other shoe to fall off", as you put it. It might fall off in a very uncomfortable place, and at a high rate of speed.

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Since she has expressed that she is not interested in the relationship that is developing in her home I would personally pack my things and let this MARRIED COUPLE have their home and Their relationship.

Someday that other shoe is going to drop and it is not going to be good for anyone involved.

I got to agree with lee, and her hubbys should be smart enough to see it!

[iapr]

I agree with Vegas et al. This will end up being a case where the wife is saying, "do what you want.." but in the mean time the waters of discontent, disappointment and anger are all building up like water behind a dam getting ready to burst. When the dam breaks she will use every glance, touch and term of endearment that you two ever shared as ammunition against both of you.

chances are they are in a failing marriage and she using you as litmus paper to see how committed he really is to her and their marriage as well as using you take the pressure off of her so she doesn't have to have sex with him.
Both of those scenarios are very disfunctional and distructive and when that bubble bursts there is going to be a ton of drama and pain for everyone.

Pack your bags and walk away without looking back.

[JustAskJulie]

Another case of a woman expecting you to read her mind. Her actions and attitude are telling you everything you need to know, even if her words are telling you something else. Although truely her words have told you what you need to know. She doesn't want a poly relationship to develop, yet in your opinion it already is. You are on two different pages and YOU are the odd (wo)man out.

[two42lovers]

Only thing you've said is she wants to know when the two of you have sex. Everyone is assuming she is simmering in negative emotions (and maybe she is.) She has said it's all good, but as everyone has said you can't take that at face value.

Getting out very well could be the right move. Seems like all three of you are going to have to make choices and live with your decisions. Each of you have to decide what you want, what you need, and how you feel.

Before a mediator brings people together for a mediation, s/he helps each of them to evaluate their needs in terms of what is personally important, and how they feel. Everyone is encouraged to consider how the others feel, and what they need, too. It puts everyone in a better position to communicate.

Then everyone sits down and talks about their needs, and works especially hard to listen to each other, and especially to let each other know they have been heard. Once everyone communicates fully, you all will be more able to choose and agree how to proceed. Good luck!

[MN hotdish]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Since she has expressed that she is not interested in the relationship that is developing in her home I would personally pack my things and let this MARRIED COUPLE have their home and Their relationship.

Someday that other shoe is going to drop and it is not going to be good for anyone involved.

WOW, Lee's reading minds!
And may I add that the sooner you follow his advice the more likely you are to be able to salvage your friendship when that shoe does drop.

good Luck!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by SexyNSingle

...she hasn't been happy with her appearance (she and I have spoken of this). I told her that I would be happy to talk to her, share with her, all the things that one needs to help ones self esteem.

How she feels about herself is no doubt playing a major role in how she's handling you living in their home and having sex with her husband.

As two42lovers stated, a mediator could pull forth from everyone what needs to be discussed. I think s/he would see in the wife's face, body language, and how she says speaks (tone of voice) what's really going on in her mind, things she's not said to you and her husband.

I think the wife has been an enabler for you and her husband, and not in a positive way, which is something she's got to face and address. As you say, her self-esteem is lacking and she probably is a little depressed to boot. You and the husband probably know this - deep in your hearts - but have continued to keep things as they have been because of the wife's inability to communicate. Although the solution lies with all of you, I think you and her husband will have to take action, since the wife is unlikely to do so.

The best action I see is to move out of the house. It's not going to result in anything good for the three of you in the long term if you stay, and certainly not for the husband and wife which has to be the first priority here. The husband should realize this.

Get yourself up off your feet and start living on your own. Don't overdo your stay and the generosity of others.

LM

[SexyNSingle]

Thanks everyone for your support and input.

I am going to try and get this out there before this computer freezes! It has been doing that each time I have a response to this thread, and then I lose it

My g/f and I sat up for most of the night last night and just talked about everything. It was like cleansing the soul. She and I and her husband (before he went to bed) joined in the conversation, and it was agreed that the communication road had not been quite as open as it should be. So we talked about everything, how she has felt about us playing, to what she wants to know, or not know. To having a polyamory relationship etc. Overall, she is quite fine with us playing, and wants to join at some point.

The problem isn't with what I have contributed, it is the fact that her husband hasn't been communicating everything like I thought he had been, as he had told me that she only wanted to know when we played, I have since learned she wants to know what we have done, and I can understand and respect that, for I am the same way.

She has taken her wall down that was put up around me, and she feels that some of her upset was misdirected at me instead of being at her husband moreso. I became very forthright with her (mind you I always have been) and answered any and all questions she may have had. She said that she felt a lot better to know some things that she no longer feels in the dark like she once did. Although we both agree that her husband should be the one informing her of things, she knew that she could get the root from me. I realize that information is a two way street and I told them both this.

Tonight, I am going out with some girlfriends and these two are staying home and going to talk things thru and let me know the end result later on. Yet, he thought she needed to go out, and I explained to him that although I would love for her to come along, I am well aware of what it is like to go out, try to have a good time, when in fact you would rather be dealing with the matter at hand.

She has told me that playing is not out of the question, she just needs clarity and what she feels are good boundaries and then share them with me and get my feedback on them.

I do feel so much better now.

[JustAskJulie]

Sounds like they definately have some issues to work through. I would be very concerned about his lack of openness and honesty with her (and you).

That said, at least you are taking the right steps to make sure that you are on the same page with both of them and that's a very good thing... but in the end if they aren't both doing that with each other, there will be bigger issues to deal with down the road.

[SexyNSingle]

Yesterday was a very hard day emotionally for everyone. To go from being able to play whenever you like, to suddenly not to playing has pulled a trigger within us. We are taking baby steps, yet I won't like and say it is easy, for it is not. But our biggest priority is to respect his wife and her wishes. She is attending a meeting with me tomorrow that will also help her understand self esteem issues so much better. I am going for post traumatic stress issues not related to this situation.

We believe that all will be fine in the coming weeks, it is just the growing pains to getting her to feel secure within her self and that is something she has to do, all we can do is encourage her and support her as well as I will do what I need to do to support and take care of my needs and desires.

My lover (her husband) has hopes that when the dust settles that all 3 of us will be able to be together and truly enjoy what we have all wanted for weeks, but she was unable to express her desires, due to feeling like she was a third wheel and that was unknown to either one of us, until now.

Growing pains aren't easy, but if you have love and respect for eachother, time and patience, we will get thru this, we all believe that.