All Single Males Aren't Jerks

[Yes]

I think that some men find their way to the lifestyle (myself certainly) because they're guided by a sincere, natural desire and appreciate and adore the company of women and would like to meet socialize with like minded others.
A single man first finding access to many beautiful women who may be as intoxicated by the headiness of pleasure and seduction as he is, can get a bit excited and perhaps even a little aggressive. Sort of like a kid in a candy store.
That doesn't mean that he's is only a horny, one track minded surface swimmer.
He may want to send a message to several women that he truly finds sexy and lovely. Being attracted to different women of different types doesn't mean he's full of it or that his attraction isn't genuine.
Single men that are new to the lifestyle can't help but feel a little awkward at first by including the man of the couple in his desire to romance the woman.
In the world of monogamy that is the last thing you're supposed to do.
It's a different game than we're used to with different rules.
After reading the different posts, I get the feeling that there are some angry women out there.
I guess it's understandable considering some of the men they encounter but it wouldn't hurt to be a little nicer.
As a single man trying to get involved in the lifestyle, rejection is pretty much a given.
I'm like a one eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.
I don't mean to speak for all single men but there are those of us who believe in ladies and gentlemen and would find great pleasure in getting to know the woman, the man, the couple.
Perhaps couples could take this into consideration.
Just because a kid goes wild in a candy store, doesn't mean the kid doesn't really appreciate candy.

[sexcupid]

Welcome to the Board! Drop by the Introductions and let us know a bit more about you.

For the topic you presented. Yes in theory, the kid in a candy store analogy may hold a bit of merit. However, we're adults and should be able to restrain ourselves just a bit. What you deem as 'intoxicated by the headiness of pleasure and seduction' then apparently translates into over-excitement and possible agression/pushiness. Also, I think the term you may be looking for is 'bottom feeder' not 'surface swimmer'. That is a joke, not a slam.

If you are just starting to break into the lifestyle as a single male, you already have the deck stacked against you. There are many couples, for whatever reason, who just don't want to play with single males. Now add into the mix that you are new and basically an unknown quantity...coupled with the over-excitement/pushiness/agressiveness...and it may not be that the couples aren't being considerate, but that you also are not being considerate.

The lifestyle can be very rough for the single guy...there are plenty of good tips here on how to be one of the 'good' ones. A little courtesy, etiquette, common sense, and possibly restraint, on your part can go a long way as well. You have seriously got to throw the vanilla mindset out the door as far as how to approach a couple/female, if you can't, you won't get very far.

I am usually nice to a fault and have a hard time rejecting people that I have no interest in playing with. The conversation may be great, so you don't want to lose that. But in reality, particuarly at the club or parties, if people are there to play and are not looking for single males a few things can happen: they will be harsh and totally blow you off, or they will ignore you because they don't want to give you false hope that something will happen, or they don't want to 'waste time' socializing with someone that doesn't fit what they are looking for (ie: potential missed opportunities with another couple that passed by b/c they were talking with a single male).

Stick around, there's some good advice to be had here!

[Yes]

Thanks Maria,
I'm far from pushy or aggressive. In fact usually the opposite in the beginning phase of meeting others. It's only when I'm clear about the appetite of others that I proceed.
Not sure what you meant by "vanilla mindset".
I never take the "buckshot" approach. I have too much class and respect for that.
When I said some men can become excited and a little aggressive, I meant as to send out emails to several women stating his attraction and desire to play. Nothing more.
It's the prejudgment that is disappointing. The women I've known through the years, more importantly that have known me, love and appreciate me as I do them and say I'm one in a million.
It's like having a stunning resume', introducing yourself at the interview and the interviewer says, "Your fired!" It's that ice break that can be a heartbreak. I can handle rejection that's based on a difference of interests or values but rejection based on prejudice is frustrating. "Single male? Thank you. Next!"
Re: Introductions and letting others know a bit more about me... I'm not sure how to access. I can't find where to post a personal profile.
Thanks again.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Yes

Single men that are new to the lifestyle can't help but feel a little awkward at first by including the man of the couple in his desire to romance the woman.
In the world of monogamy that is the last thing you're supposed to do.
It's a different game than we're used to with different rules.

Originally Posted by Yes

Not sure what you meant by "vanilla mindset".

Re: Introductions and letting others know a bit more about me... I'm not sure how to access. I can't find where to post a personal profile.

The first quote is what I meant by vanilla mindset. One of the primary complaints is that single males only approach or try to communicate when the male of the couple is not around. Throwing out the 'vanilla mindset' is learning the 'swinging rules' and being comfortable with them, not falling back to what you have always done (ie: try to approach the woman when she's alone).

There are plenty of websites to post an ad on. Swinglifestyle, AdultFriendFinder, CouplesTouch, etc. Some are pay sites, SLS does have free members and I think CT does too. If I recall correctly, AFF basically gives a 'free trial' and then after so many days, many features of the site are 'off limits' (like viewing pics) unless you pay. But it's been the better part of 10 years since I was on AFF, so maybe it's changed.

Ads are one way to go, but many singles find better luck at local meet n greets. Usually held in public places, so folks can meet each other. Or see if one of your local swing clubs admits single males. Yes, the membership and entry fees are higher...but may be the way to go to get face time with people. Each club/get together has their own set of rules as well (ie: some areas are restricted, etc).

Good luck.

[good times]

Originally Posted by Yes

It's that ice break that can be a heartbreak. I can handle rejection that's based on a difference of interests or values but rejection based on prejudice is frustrating. "Single male? Thank you. Next!"

The quote above indicates to me that you are having trouble understanding how this works. Hopefully, if you understand it better it won't be so much of a "heartbreak" to you.

First of all, when you get a response like this, it is not a rejection based on prejudice, but is, in fact, based on a difference of interests. Most swingers are not looking for single males. While you may feel like a kid in a candy store, you really aren't. A better analogy would be that you are a hamburger in a candy store. If someone comes in the store looking for candy they will see the hamburger and say "thank you, next!". Same thing with most couples, if they aren't looking for single males, then when approached by one, their only response can be "no thanks". Nothing personal, nor are they prejudiced, they are just not interested in single males. Sometimes, couples are interested in single males, but that doesn't mean they are interested in all single males. In that case, if they aren't interested in you, the answer is still, "no thanks".

The point I hope I am making here is, unlike a singles bar where most of the women there are looking for a nice single guy, that isn't the case in swinging. In swinging you, as a single guy, are missing something that most couples are looking for, a female partner. So it should be no surprise that they aren't willing to respond to you in a more positive way.

As I said before, their are a few folks looking for single guys. The key is to realize that most are not, so you shouldn't be discouraged when they reject you. If you are patient, sooner or later you will find a couple that is.

[screaminggood]

Hi Single Guy. There are some couples that periodically enjoy you. I'm the bi-fem half of one who has a husband who sometimes shares me. We are out there! I already responded to a different post about single men this morning. Search for it as it tells you how I like to be approached...if it will help give you ideas.

[Yes]

If I'm a hamburger than I just want to be well done. Ha ha.

Thank you for your clear and thoughtful suggestions.
I understand completely. I'll tell you a little secret. I don't want to be a single guy.
I'm usually in relationship. It's only now that I'm single.
I'd love to meet someone to share in the lifestyle. A single female or an open couple.
I get it that couples are looking for couples mostly. I don't take it personally.
I think you're right. The meet and greets seem the best way to become more involved.
Wish me luck.

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by Yes

I'll tell you a little secret. I don't want to be a single guy.
I'm usually in relationship. It's only now that I'm single.
I'd love to meet someone to share in the lifestyle. A single female or an open couple.
I get it that couples are looking for couples mostly. I don't take it personally.
I think you're right. The meet and greets seem the best way to become more involved.

Since you're usually in a relationship, why don't you take a step back until you're in one again? Once you find a woman, I absolutely, positively guarantee you'll have no problem meeting somebody that will accomodate your MFM desires. Everything else you said about meeting open minded people" and "bringing pleasure to the lady" will still apply, only it will be YOUR lady that you (and the other guy) will be bringing such pleasure to!

Why does it always have to be somebody else's woman you're so intent on "pleasing?"

[Yes]

Why does it always have to be somebody else's woman you're so intent on "pleasing?"[/quote]
That's an easy one to answer.
Being a man that enjoys pleasing all women, there are bound to be others' women.

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by Yes

Why does it always have to be somebody else's woman you're so intent on "pleasing?"

That's an easy one to answer.
Being a man that enjoys pleasing all women, there are bound to be others' women.

That's what I was asking, why always somebody else's woman? Why not your own?[/quote]


We get this at least 5 times a week..."I'm so handsome, I'm so polite, I'm so well-hung, I'm so this-or-that", but when I ask them what they expect to get out of this I always hear the same answer - "I just want to please women" They must think that we husbands aren't men, or that we were all born yesterday!

Sometimes just for shits and giggles, I'll suggest that they treat my wife to a pedicure. I explain that it's a cheap and easy way to "please" her, a great way to show their devotion, and her nail tech takes payment by CC over the phone. When I do that we usually don't hear from them again.

Why is that? Are they just BS'ing me about "putting her pleasure first"? I'm asking the question because I HATE BSr's

So, back to you. You "like to please women?" Well, I like to shoot guns, which is why I have several. I also like to ride ATV's which is why I have one of those too. I like to have a cold beer every now and then, which is why I keep a case or 2 in the fridge. When our friends visit, they're welcome to shoot my guns, ride our ATV, or drink my beer, because I know that they will extend the same courtesy to us when we visit them.

You "like to please women"? Then GET one. If you're everything you say you are, there's no excuse for you not having one.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

Why does it always have to be somebody else's woman you're so intent on "pleasing?"

Ummm...don't most men in swinging want to please someone else's woman?





Teresa

[avid]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

You "like to please women"? Then GET one. If you're everything you say you are, there's no excuse for you not having one.

I think you're being a little harsh, numbskulls. The OP has said that he usually is in a relationship, but isn't at the moment.

Additionally, he didn't say that he ONLY wanted to please a woman, but that he enjoyed the company of like minded people, and he enjoyed getting to know people. Why are you searching for cracks that you can attack? Give the guy a break, please.

[screaminggood]

I agree with Avid. It's a legitimate post, and despite what you think of it, I enjoy bringing a single male into my bed. My husband enjoys watching me "being pleased." I also enjoy bringing ladies to my/our bed...again, my husband enjoys watching me and/or participating with us.

Single men will always have a place in my heart, er, in my bed. I'm not trying to slam married men (I love my own you know), but so far, single men have brought a different type of excitement to the encounters that married men have not. Perhaps it's because single men don't have to concentrate on whether another woman is being pleased while doing his own pleasing?

Whatever it is, some of us definitely enjoy the single men in the lifestyle!

[NumbskullsX2]

The question wasn't meant to be harsh, it was just a question, that's all. We know several single males who don't seem to have any trouble finding women to party with, and we treat them like we would any other couple. In fact, I would say that quality-wise, their definitely a notch or 3 above the guys who never seem to have a date

But when guys say "I just like to make all women happy. How about letting me fuck yours?" I have to wonder what planet he's from or where he thinks the rest of us are from.

Would he walk into somebody's home and say "I sincerely want to end world hunger. How about letting me stay for dinner?" or "I sincerely want to end homelessness in our community. How about letting me move into your spare bedroom?"

It's not about whether you like single men or not, everybody makes their own decision on that one. But why is it so hard just to come out an say, "This has nothing to do with me finding a woman of my own. I just like to fuck other men's wives"

[LadyHawke]

I have to agree totally. Some of us (married female swingers) like the male-female-male combination of swinging. I love having the sole devotion of 2 men who only want to please me. It may not be for everyone but since when is anyone's individual swing styles up for criticism ? Is that anyone's place? We're all here for different and varied (and just as valid as any other) methods and styles of togetherness. I think some of us have not yet let go of all the trappings of our former "vanilla" lives. By that I mean judging anyone who has other ideas of what THEY want out of the lifestyle.