Do I fit?

AlexisC · 03-02-2008, 08:07 PM

It took me a while to figure out where to post this... feel free to move it if I picked wrong

I'm trying to figure out if I should pursue swinging as a single female, without telling my boyfriend. This is probably something I can only really decide on my own, but I'm also interested in how this situation will be perceived by others.

So here are the dirty details... I've been with my boyfriend for about four years, and I am very much in love with him. I've talked to him before about swinging or something like it and at this point in time it is really not for him. He told me a while back that if I decided to do something with another man that he would rather not know about it. He wants me to be happy, but it's obviously something that he's really not comfortable with, and I wouldn't want him to be something he is not.

I know that in general communication is a huge part of this lifestyle. Which is why I can see people having a real problem with my situation.

I have met two men for sex recently. I don't feel guilty at all about it, I see it as something I am doing for me, not to him. *sigh* So I don't know exactly what I'm asking, I just don't know where to go from here.

sweet_tna · 03-02-2008, 08:14 PM

If you met either of those two men for sex without the knowledge and consent of your boyfriend, then it was cheating. Plain and simple.

This is not somthing I personally condone, nor do many of the members of this board. Swinging is (typically defined here) about sharing consensual non-monogamous sexual experiences with your partner.

If you want to begin swinging, the first step SHOULD be to talk to him about it. If he is unwilling to participate, then you need to decide whether swinging or your boyfriend are more important to you.

And no offense, but if you did, in fact, cheat on him, it seems you've already made that decsion.

Best of luck to you,

Sweet_tna

sexcupid · 03-02-2008, 08:19 PM

I will give you the same perspective that I gave a single male.

What you are doing is not swinging per se...it's cheating. You are not a single female, you are an attached female in a relationship that is stepping out on her boyfriend.

You will see that a common refrain around here is to 'go at the pace of the slowest person'...and that means sometimes not doing the things you want to do because your partner would prefer that you didn't do it.

Again, I will say you would have a better chance of carrying on an affair (or just general hook-ups) outside the lifestyle as many swingers do not look kindly on cheaters.

Good luck!

**ncmd_couple** · 03-02-2008, 10:06 PM

Ahh... so young you are. As the others have said, your "stepping out" is cheating. It isn't swinging. You need to discuss this with your BF and decide what is the best for the both of you.

Good luck!!

S

tribbles · 03-02-2008, 11:19 PM

Quote:

He told me a while back that if I decided to do something with another man that he would rather not know about it.

So he was saying it's ok to play but he doesn't want to know? Or if he found out it really happened, would he be pissed off?

We would be uncomfortable with that.

Styles-N-Heidi · 03-03-2008, 01:00 AM

We would absolutely refuse to play with anyone in this situation. I won't give you the you are not swinging you are cheating lecture I am sure you have that much understood by now. If you want to be in the lifestyle and that is more important than your current relationship then break it off and pursue what you want, but please be careful if you wish to maintain your relationship you are walking on egg shells at the moment. We all wish you the best of luck.

-Styles

AlexisC · 03-03-2008, 10:36 AM

Thanks for all the responses... that's more or less what I expected to hear. A little harsh in some places, but I guess the truth hurts

Quote:

Originally Posted by tribbles

So he was saying it's ok to play but he doesn't want to know? Or if he found out it really happened, would he be pissed off?

We would be uncomfortable with that.

It was a part of our "what's cheating" talk a while back. He was saying that he was okay with it but didn't want to know about it. I told him that for me I would rather know about it if he did anything. It is obviously not an ideal situation.

I completely understand why most people would be uncomfortable with my situation. And, how's this for a catch-22, now I'm wondering if I would want to play with the types who were okay with it.

You have all given me a lot to think about.

two42lovers · 03-03-2008, 12:38 PM

The unasked question is what would be his reaction if he did know all the details?

You are not married. You've said you've told your boyfriend about your interests and he has said he is OK with it, but doesn't want to know about it. You didn't say, but from what you did say, we'd assume you do not live together. Just exactly how is this senario cheating? We see no vow you are breaking.

Lots of couples might decline to play with you - it certainly isn't an ideal situation. There definately is a potential for problems between you and your boyfriend, and lots of people would be uncomfortable with him "not wanting to know". That is their prerogative, but calling you a cheater (i.e. a liar) is unfair.

For what it's worth, we'd suggest you consifder showing your boyfriend your profile. Tell him what you are doing - broad strokes, not details. He needs this information in order to make informed choices about your relationship. Make sure he understands this is about sexual adventures and not emotional attachments. Be true to yourself, and give your boyfriend the opportunity to accept you for what you are. Best wishes!

sexcupid · 03-03-2008, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by two42lovers

The unasked question is what would be his reaction if he did know all the details?

You are not married. You've said you've told your boyfriend about your interests and he has said he is OK with it, but doesn't want to know about it. You didn't say, but from what you did say, we'd assume you do not live together. Just exactly how is this senario cheating? We see no vow you are breaking.

Lots of couples might decline to play with you - it certainly isn't an ideal situation. That is their prerogative, but calling you a cheater (i.e. a liar) is unfair.

Agreed, that is a good question to ask. Has he said what he would do if he did find out you were stepping out on him? And yes, there are couples out there that would play with you...but plenty that would not. I am not clear if you are looking for just single guys to play with or if you are looking to be a 3rd for a couple.

Now, here is where I am going to diverge. It doesn't matter that they are not married, they are in a long term relationship (4 years). There are plenty of people out there that feel they don't 'need a piece of paper' to feel like a legitimate couple. I am curious as well to know the living arrangement. It would be easier to arrange playdates if you don't live together.

The scenario is cheating because she is doing it without his knowledge. Yes, he said he would rather be ignorant of her outside sexual activities, but from the OP I get that swinging/open relationship is something is isn't comfortable being involved in. So I think that cheating is an apt way to label it. So would deception, or my personal favorite 'omitting details' (you know, tell enough of the truth that it's not techinically a lie).

OP if it's sexual freedom you want then you need to get out of the relationship with this guy. Four years or not, if being able to be 'sexually open' is a higher priority...move on. From the original tone of your post (you knowing he's not comfortable, wanting to be kept in the dark if you do, etc), he's not ok with it regardless of the words out of his mouth. Wanting you to be happy to his own detriment (ie: how hurt would he be if he found out about your 2 play partners?) is not healthy.

Again, good luck OP!

AlexisC · 03-03-2008, 05:57 PM

So the cheating not-cheating argument is more then a little charged. I think that it's not always so black and white. I know I'm to close to the situation to be objective about it. And as hypocritical as it will sound to some people, I'm very against cheating/cheaters/etc. I just see this as something I am doing for me, and not to him. It might be a tiny distinction, and I'm probably just justifying things to myself... but that's how I see it.
I also think it's over simplifying to say that the choice is "what do you want more, him or sexual freedom and forget the other one". I know that my relationship is more important to me. But I wouldn't want to deny apart of myself anymore then I would want him to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by two42lovers

The unasked question is what would be his reaction if he did know all the details?

That's hard to say. I am absolutely certain it's not something that would put an end to our relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by two42lovers

For what it's worth, we'd suggest you consifder showing your boyfriend your profile. Tell him what you are doing - broad strokes, not details. He needs this information in order to make informed choices about your relationship. Make sure he understands this is about sexual adventures and not emotional attachments. Be true to yourself, and give your boyfriend the opportunity to accept you for what you are. Best wishes!

*bolding mine* That's probably the best advice I've gotten so far; thank you. I'm thinking about bringing it back up with him, it's been a while since we originally talked about it. It's just hard.

NumbskullsX2 · 03-03-2008, 06:21 PM

Well, everybody on this website is going to tell you you shouldn't do it. So here's what I propose;

Go to a swing club by yourself. Tell EVERYBODY you come in contact with that you have a boyfriend and that he doesn't want to swing, but that it's ok if you do just so long as he doesn't know about it. Then be prepared to spend a very long, lonely night alone at the club.

NOT!!!!

You'll learn a lot about swinging, and a lot MORE about double-standards in the lifestyle.

Good luck.

sexcupid · 03-03-2008, 06:54 PM

Numbskullz...she's already done it.

Alexis...of course things aren't completely black and white. Justify or pretty it up how ever you like, it's still cheating by most definitions. Examples: you aren't doing it TO him, but FOR you...most would consider 'doing something for yourself' to be getting a pedicure, a new trinket, or continuing your education.

And then: I wouldn't want to deny apart of myself anymore then I would want him to....compromise is part of any relationship. Some things you can meet in the middle. Other things, someone needs to conceed the point because in doing it, it will be detrimental to the relationship (different in every case, but everyone has a 'breaking point' to where they will say enough!).

Let us know how your sweetie reacts. If he isn't hurt in anyway, I'll be more than happy to retract some of my statements here.

Yeah, it's a hard conversation to have. Been there done that. Cheated on my ex-husband. On one hand he totally got off on the 'stories' on the other he was deeply hurt by it and eventually couldn't deal with it any more.

And just my own musings. I'm not sure why you are posting here. More justification (well at least a few people agreed with what I'm doing...)? Is it that labelling yourself a 'swinger' sits better with you than 'cheater' (potentially more justification)? People tend to judge others more harshly for their actions than they do their own...so you state you are against cheating/cheaters...but are now claiming it's a gray area and making your excuses (just like every cheater does...again, been there done that). It's not coming across like you are asking for advice on if you should do it or not, you already have. You haven't even stated what it is you are looking for as a 'swinger'. Couples, single males? Even in the vanilla world women looking to step out on their mates have a pretty high success rate. You ever hear the saying, 'A guy goes on a date and wonders if he'll have sex that night...but the woman already knows'?

Anyway...good luck...and let us know how that conversation turns out.

AlexisC · 03-03-2008, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Numbskullz...she's already done it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Alexis...of course things aren't completely black and white. Justify or pretty it up how ever you like, it's still cheating by most definitions. Examples: you aren't doing it TO him, but FOR you...most would consider 'doing something for yourself' to be getting a pedicure, a new trinket, or continuing your education.

I'd really rather not get into this argument, but I will say the definations only mean as much as you want to apply them...

Quote:

Originally Posted by dictionary.com

Swinger: Slang.
a. a person who indulges in promiscuous sex.

By the dictionary definition I am a swinger, by your personal (and possibly community) definition I am not. Likewise cheating is going to be defined differently by person, couple, and community.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

And then: I wouldn't want to deny apart of myself anymore then I would want him to....compromise is part of any relationship. Some things you can meet in the middle. Other things, someone needs to conceed the point because in doing it, it will be detrimental to the relationship (different in every case, but everyone has a 'breaking point' to where they will say enough!).

I'm not sure if I'm reading this how you meant it, so correct me if I misinterpret. There is plenty of compromise in my relationship, and I don't think I implied otherwise. If I thought that any of this would seriously damage my relationship then I would never have done anything at all. I have a good bearing on my relationship, and I'm not worried about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Yeah, it's a hard conversation to have. Been there done that. Cheated on my ex-husband. On one hand he totally got off on the 'stories' on the other he was deeply hurt by it and eventually couldn't deal with it any more.

I can see that you are bringing a lot of personal experience to this conversation, I think that may be making it a bit emotionally charged.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

And just my own musings. I'm not sure why you are posting here. More justification (well at least a few people agreed with what I'm doing...)? Is it that labelling yourself a 'swinger' sits better with you than 'cheater' (potentially more justification)?

Should I not be posting here?

In the most specific sense I am still posting here because I started this thread. This is the only place I have posted.
Why am I still posting in this thread? Because as long as you and others are responding I'll reply to you. I've been around message boards enough to know that it's generally considered "rude" to start a thread and then disappear.
This thread and the responses have given me a lot to think about. Just one more boost in helping me to figure out where to go with all this.

On a broader scale, why did I show up here at all? Because I have been talking to a couple who are very active swingers in the area. They made me re-examine my idea of "swingers" (for example I didn't know a single, male or female, could be apart of the lifestyle). I started researching, and I found this board which has been a wealth of information. So even if I never post in another thread I'll probably stick around and lurk through the archives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

It's not coming across like you are asking for advice on if you should do it or not, you already have. You haven't even stated what it is you are looking for as a 'swinger'. Couples, single males?

I was looking for advice mostly about how my situation could be perceived. Which has given me a lot to think about. This thread has kind of taken on a life of it's own, but that happens. I don't know that I have to be looking for anything to be here? I guess I'm just looking for information at this point in time. I mentioned before that I've been talking to a couple for a little while now, and they are members of one of the local clubs. So currently that's more or less the "who" of what I'm looking for.

sweet_tna · 03-03-2008, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Numbskullz...she's already done it.

Alexis...of course things aren't completely black and white. Justify or pretty it up how ever you like, it's still cheating by most definitions. Examples: you aren't doing it TO him, but FOR you...most would consider 'doing something for yourself' to be getting a pedicure, a new trinket, or continuing your education.

And then: I wouldn't want to deny apart of myself anymore then I would want him to....compromise is part of any relationship. Some things you can meet in the middle. Other things, someone needs to conceed the point because in doing it, it will be detrimental to the relationship (different in every case, but everyone has a 'breaking point' to where they will say enough!).

Let us know how your sweetie reacts. If he isn't hurt in anyway, I'll be more than happy to retract some of my statements here.

Yeah, it's a hard conversation to have. Been there done that. Cheated on my ex-husband. On one hand he totally got off on the 'stories' on the other he was deeply hurt by it and eventually couldn't deal with it any more.

And just my own musings. I'm not sure why you are posting here. More justification (well at least a few people agreed with what I'm doing...)? Is it that labelling yourself a 'swinger' sits better with you than 'cheater' (potentially more justification)? People tend to judge others more harshly for their actions than they do their own...so you state you are against cheating/cheaters...but are now claiming it's a gray area and making your excuses (just like every cheater does...again, been there done that). It's not coming across like you are asking for advice on if you should do it or not, you already have. You haven't even stated what it is you are looking for as a 'swinger'. Couples, single males? Even in the vanilla world women looking to step out on their mates have a pretty high success rate. You ever hear the saying, 'A guy goes on a date and wonders if he'll have sex that night...but the woman already knows'?

Anyway...good luck...and let us know how that conversation turns out.

iapr · 03-03-2008, 09:16 PM

If you are single and have not committed to being completely faithfull you can pretty much screw whoever you want and on whatever terms you want. If you want to walk into a college fraternity house and fuck every guy in the building that is your perogative and no one can really point any fingers. That is what being single is.

If you are not in a committed relationship you can do whatever you want. And so can he. If he doesn't like it that you are fucking around he has every right in the world to just walk away and he also has the right to screw whoever he wants.

The fact that he has said you can screw who you want but that he doesn't want to know about it tells me he just isn't that into you. And the fact that you have been screwing other people without guilt and must be wanting to screw more (otherwise you wouldn't be here) tells me you really aren't into him either. Nothing wrong with any of that just don't kid yourselves and think that you have this wonderfull relationship. It's ok to realize you aren't meant for each other and just move on.

The fact that you aren't meant for each other doesn't mean that either of you are bad people or that there is anything wrong with either of you. It just means that it is time to shit or get off the pot and if he isn't the one for you just go on about your business and let him do the same.

This isn't about swinging, this is about single people fucking and trying to decide what to do with themselves.

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03-02-2008, 08:07 PM	#1 (permalink)
AlexisC Registered Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Washington Status: Confused	Do I fit? It took me a while to figure out where to post this... feel free to move it if I picked wrong I'm trying to figure out if I should pursue swinging as a single female, without telling my boyfriend. This is probably something I can only really decide on my own, but I'm also interested in how this situation will be perceived by others. So here are the dirty details... I've been with my boyfriend for about four years, and I am very much in love with him. I've talked to him before about swinging or something like it and at this point in time it is really not for him. He told me a while back that if I decided to do something with another man that he would rather not know about it. He wants me to be happy, but it's obviously something that he's really not comfortable with, and I wouldn't want him to be something he is not. I know that in general communication is a huge part of this lifestyle. Which is why I can see people having a real problem with my situation. I have met two men for sex recently. I don't feel guilty at all about it, I see it as something I am doing for me, not to him. sigh So I don't know exactly what I'm asking, I just don't know where to go from here.

03-02-2008, 08:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
sweet_tna Being good is overrated Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 2,926 Location: Poconos, PA Status: The boss of Mr. Sweet SLS Name:Sweet_tna	Re: Do I fit? If you met either of those two men for sex without the knowledge and consent of your boyfriend, then it was cheating. Plain and simple. This is not somthing I personally condone, nor do many of the members of this board. Swinging is (typically defined here) about sharing consensual non-monogamous sexual experiences with your partner. If you want to begin swinging, the first step SHOULD be to talk to him about it. If he is unwilling to participate, then you need to decide whether swinging or your boyfriend are more important to you. And no offense, but if you did, in fact, cheat on him, it seems you've already made that decsion. Best of luck to you, Sweet_tna __________________ I'd rather go to hell for doing something I enjoyed than die wondering what it's like.

03-02-2008, 08:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
sexcupid Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 876 Location: San Antonio Status: couple/f SLS Name:sexcupid Blog Entries: 3	Re: Do I fit? I will give you the same perspective that I gave a single male. What you are doing is not swinging per se...it's cheating. You are not a single female, you are an attached female in a relationship that is stepping out on her boyfriend. You will see that a common refrain around here is to 'go at the pace of the slowest person'...and that means sometimes not doing the things you want to do because your partner would prefer that you didn't do it. Again, I will say you would have a better chance of carrying on an affair (or just general hook-ups) outside the lifestyle as many swingers do not look kindly on cheaters. Good luck! __________________ Maria

03-02-2008, 10:06 PM	#4 (permalink)
ncmd_couple Julie's Helper Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 952 Location: Maryland Status: Couple SLS Name:ncmd_couple	Re: Do I fit? Ahh... so young you are. As the others have said, your "stepping out" is cheating. It isn't swinging. You need to discuss this with your BF and decide what is the best for the both of you. Good luck!! S __________________ Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

03-03-2008, 01:00 AM	#6 (permalink)
Styles-N-Heidi Active Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 39 Location: New Orleans Status: Couple SLS Name:StylesNFreakyDiva	Re: Do I fit? We would absolutely refuse to play with anyone in this situation. I won't give you the you are not swinging you are cheating lecture I am sure you have that much understood by now. If you want to be in the lifestyle and that is more important than your current relationship then break it off and pursue what you want, but please be careful if you wish to maintain your relationship you are walking on egg shells at the moment. We all wish you the best of luck. -Styles

03-03-2008, 12:38 PM	#8 (permalink)
two42lovers Luv seeing friends quiver Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 298 Location: California central coast Status: couple SLS Name:two42lovers Blog Entries: 2	Re: Do I fit? The unasked question is what would be his reaction if he did know all the details? You are not married. You've said you've told your boyfriend about your interests and he has said he is OK with it, but doesn't want to know about it. You didn't say, but from what you did say, we'd assume you do not live together. Just exactly how is this senario cheating? We see no vow you are breaking. Lots of couples might decline to play with you - it certainly isn't an ideal situation. There definately is a potential for problems between you and your boyfriend, and lots of people would be uncomfortable with him "not wanting to know". That is their prerogative, but calling you a cheater (i.e. a liar) is unfair. For what it's worth, we'd suggest you consifder showing your boyfriend your profile. Tell him what you are doing - broad strokes, not details. He needs this information in order to make informed choices about your relationship. Make sure he understands this is about sexual adventures and not emotional attachments. Be true to yourself, and give your boyfriend the opportunity to accept you for what you are. Best wishes!

03-03-2008, 06:21 PM	#11 (permalink)
NumbskullsX2 Has Left the Building Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 204 Location: Columbus, OH Status: Couple	Re: Do I fit? Well, everybody on this website is going to tell you you shouldn't do it. So here's what I propose; Go to a swing club by yourself. Tell EVERYBODY you come in contact with that you have a boyfriend and that he doesn't want to swing, but that it's ok if you do just so long as he doesn't know about it. Then be prepared to spend a very long, lonely night alone at the club. NOT!!!! You'll learn a lot about swinging, and a lot MORE about double-standards in the lifestyle. Good luck.

03-03-2008, 06:54 PM	#12 (permalink)
sexcupid Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 876 Location: San Antonio Status: couple/f SLS Name:sexcupid Blog Entries: 3	Re: Do I fit? Numbskullz...she's already done it. Alexis...of course things aren't completely black and white. Justify or pretty it up how ever you like, it's still cheating by most definitions. Examples: you aren't doing it TO him, but FOR you...most would consider 'doing something for yourself' to be getting a pedicure, a new trinket, or continuing your education. And then: I wouldn't want to deny apart of myself anymore then I would want him to....compromise is part of any relationship. Some things you can meet in the middle. Other things, someone needs to conceed the point because in doing it, it will be detrimental to the relationship (different in every case, but everyone has a 'breaking point' to where they will say enough!). Let us know how your sweetie reacts. If he isn't hurt in anyway, I'll be more than happy to retract some of my statements here. Yeah, it's a hard conversation to have. Been there done that. Cheated on my ex-husband. On one hand he totally got off on the 'stories' on the other he was deeply hurt by it and eventually couldn't deal with it any more. And just my own musings. I'm not sure why you are posting here. More justification (well at least a few people agreed with what I'm doing...)? Is it that labelling yourself a 'swinger' sits better with you than 'cheater' (potentially more justification)? People tend to judge others more harshly for their actions than they do their own...so you state you are against cheating/cheaters...but are now claiming it's a gray area and making your excuses (just like every cheater does...again, been there done that). It's not coming across like you are asking for advice on if you should do it or not, you already have. You haven't even stated what it is you are looking for as a 'swinger'. Couples, single males? Even in the vanilla world women looking to step out on their mates have a pretty high success rate. You ever hear the saying, 'A guy goes on a date and wonders if he'll have sex that night...but the woman already knows'? Anyway...good luck...and let us know how that conversation turns out. __________________ Maria Last edited by sexcupid : 03-03-2008 at 07:01 PM.

03-03-2008, 09:16 PM	#15 (permalink)
iapr Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 641 Location: State of bliss Status: couple	Re: Do I fit? If you are single and have not committed to being completely faithfull you can pretty much screw whoever you want and on whatever terms you want. If you want to walk into a college fraternity house and fuck every guy in the building that is your perogative and no one can really point any fingers. That is what being single is. If you are not in a committed relationship you can do whatever you want. And so can he. If he doesn't like it that you are fucking around he has every right in the world to just walk away and he also has the right to screw whoever he wants. The fact that he has said you can screw who you want but that he doesn't want to know about it tells me he just isn't that into you. And the fact that you have been screwing other people without guilt and must be wanting to screw more (otherwise you wouldn't be here) tells me you really aren't into him either. Nothing wrong with any of that just don't kid yourselves and think that you have this wonderfull relationship. It's ok to realize you aren't meant for each other and just move on. The fact that you aren't meant for each other doesn't mean that either of you are bad people or that there is anything wrong with either of you. It just means that it is time to shit or get off the pot and if he isn't the one for you just go on about your business and let him do the same. This isn't about swinging, this is about single people fucking and trying to decide what to do with themselves.

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