Difficulties of a SM meeting couples

[JofRIT]

As a single guy, it's been hard to meet people on SLS. So far, I've met two couples and actually had sex with one of them. With the other, the man had contacted me; I went over last night, we all stood around, had some beer, and talked for about an hour, then they both went upstairs. He came back down and told me, "Sorry, but she said there wasn't a physical attraction." I was *damn* disappointed, because she was very beautiful, but I did the only thing that could have been right--I said ok and drove home.

I'm a polite kind of guy, so I didn't say anything about it, but people, please make sure you *both* know what somebody looks like before you invite him/her to join you?

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by JofRIT

I'm a polite kind of guy, so I didn't say anything about it, but people, please make sure you *both* know what somebody looks like before you invite him/her to join you?

You did the right thing. There are good single guys out there and we find them all the time.

Something that people need remember though and the reason we will only meet people off the Internet at a club. You can not get a real feel for anyone on line, picture or no picture. Most times you need to meet to see if you click or not. By meeting at the club we are not wasting anyone's time. If we click, cool, we play, if not there are many others there for both parties to play with so no one wasted their evening.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JofRIT

I'm a polite kind of guy, so I didn't say anything about it, but people, please make sure you *both* know what somebody looks like before you invite him/her to join you?

Had you sent them a clear face and body picture of yourself at the start?

If not, you probably now realize how important this is. Looks can be a deal breaker.

You said the man of the couple had contacted you. Did you get the feeling during your online communication that he was trying to set this meet up for his wife, and she was leaving it all up to him? Just curious because I've read where some men want to do it all, often because their wife isn't as eager as they are and the couple/single they meet discovers she is the passive partner in their relationship and, as a result, everything goes downhill when you meet.

LM

[JofRIT]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Had you sent them a clear face and body picture of yourself at the start?

If not, you probably now realize how important this is. Looks can be a deal breaker.

You said the man of the couple had contacted you. Did you get the feeling during your online communication that he was trying to set this meet up for his wife, and she was leaving it all up to him? Just curious because I've read where some men want to do it all, often because their wife isn't as eager as they are and the couple/single they meet discovers she is the passive partner in their relationship and, as a result, everything goes downhill when you meet.

LM

I sent several clear face and body pictures; being told "She's not interested, go home" really sucks so I *hoped* to avoid it by sending those.
It did seem kinda like he was setting things up but they're both pretty new to swinging. What happened was that he sent me a message on SLS, I read it in the morning, talked to him on Yahoo IM, and then we met that night. I have to commend them on being ready to meet immediately. Both were polite and interesting; I enjoyed talking and drinking with them.
I think from now on I will insist that both members of the couple have seen pictures of me before I come visit.

[JofRIT]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

This is also another good reason to always meet in a public place. It's a lot less harsh when you meet publicly and then end up going your seperate ways than after you've taken the trouble to go to THEIR house only to get told to go home. That sucks.

Agreed. To be fair, of course, he told me "it's up to her--I can't make any promises", and I agreed that was right.

[good times]

JofRIT,

It is also important to keep in mind that physical attraction is only part of the equation. I can't tell you how many times we have seen someone on an ad site like SLS and thought they were really hot, then when we met them, after a few minutes of conversation we realized that we just were not sexually compatible.

This is why we always try to meet someone at a club. That way if we don't hit it off, the evening isn't a total waste.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by JofRIT

. . . the man had contacted me; I went over last night, we all stood around, had some beer, and talked for about an hour, then they both went upstairs.

I'm surprise that a couple would invite a first meeting at their home. My wife and I make a definite point of having an initial meeting at a "neutral" location such as a well-lighted well-attended restaurant or coffee shop. That allows us to part company with the new acquaintances and discuss our personal reactions privately. To go into a huddle in another room leaving people to await a "decision" would be more than just a little bit awkward. And there does have to be a meeting of some kind. You need to know a lot more about a person than what you can see in a picture.

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

I'm surprise that a couple would invite a first meeting at their home. My wife and I make a definite point of having an initial meeting at a "neutral" location such as a well-lighted well-attended restaurant or coffee shop. That allows us to part company with the new acquaintances and discuss our personal reactions privately. To go into a huddle in another room leaving people to await a "decision" would be more than just a little bit awkward. And there does have to be a meeting of some kind. You need to know a lot more about a person than what you can see in a picture.

I agree 100% with this.

Also, it's not just about looks, but also personality. Then everyone has to agree. You handled it very well by your post.

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by JofRIT

As a single guy, it's been hard to meet people on SLS. So far, I've met two couples and actually had sex with one of them. With the other, the man had contacted me; I went over last night, we all stood around, had some beer, and talked for about an hour, then they both went upstairs. He came back down and told me, "Sorry, but she said there wasn't a physical attraction." I was *damn* disappointed, because she was very beautiful, but I did the only thing that could have been right--I said ok and drove home.

I'm a polite kind of guy, so I didn't say anything about it, but people, please make sure you *both* know what somebody looks like before you invite him/her to join you?

I thot you said in another post that you sent clear pics? So she did know what you looked like. If they invited you to their house, they were intending to PLAY. Obviuosly, something you said turned her completly OFF.

Since you still think this is about your looks tells me that theres probably a good reason they didn't invite you to stick around to play.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

I thot you said in another post that you sent clear pics? So she did know what you looked like. If they invited you to their house, they were intending to PLAY. Obviuosly, something you said turned her completly OFF.

Since you still think this is about your looks tells me that theres probably a good reason they didn't invite you to stick around to play.

And as a few of us, myself included, stated on the other thread (I believe these posts were separated out from the original thread), there's more to swinging than just thinking someone is attractive via photo.

This certainly isn't case of "obviously", other than obviously you are unwilling to consider the other potential reasons. He may be a perfectly lovely person with impeccable manners and a good conversationalist, but there's just not that needed attraction or chemistry.

I'm a married woman who has met a few men that were perfectly nice, and decent looking yet declined to play for reasons that might be best described as intangible. Occasionally, it IS an obvious reason (misleading ad, jerk behavior) but just as often, I just didn't feel whatever it is I need to feel before proceeding to play and declined to do so.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JofRIT

It did seem kinda like he was setting things up but they're both pretty new to swinging. What happened was that he sent me a message on SLS, I read it in the morning, talked to him on Yahoo IM, and then we met that night.

This brings something to mind that I would like to comment on and it may help you in the future.

Spontaneity can be a wonderful thing, we understand it completely, but there is something we look for before being spontaneous, and that is if a couple is experienced swingers or have been on the ad site a while.

Brand new members, or those who haven't done any swinging can jump into arranging something before they've thought it through. And if it seems it isn't a joint venture by a couple (like you said, the husband seemed to be arranging the meet) then chances are high that something will go wrong once you meet. If you hadn't gone to their house I wonder if they would have even shown up at a public place.

I also agree with everyone who said make the first meet at a public place. It's safest and will give everyone a more comfortable way to say goodbye if things don't click.

LM

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by rpu3

And as a few of us, myself included, stated on the other thread (I believe these posts were separated out from the original thread), there's more to swinging than just thinking someone is attractive via photo.

This certainly isn't case of "obviously", other than obviously you are unwilling to consider the other potential reasons. He may be a perfectly lovely person with impeccable manners and a good conversationalist, but there's just not that needed attraction or chemistry.

I'm a married woman who has met a few men that were perfectly nice, and decent looking yet declined to play for reasons that might be best described as intangible. Occasionally, it IS an obvious reason (misleading ad, jerk behavior) but just as often, I just didn't feel whatever it is I need to feel before proceeding to play and declined to do so.

What did I say?

If the pictures he sent were recent and not photoshopped or otherwise changed to make him look better, then there was enough physical atraction to give him a shot at playing that night. (otherwise, it must be that this couple invites single men that they don't find attractive and have no intention of playing with into their home for 1-on-2 meetings, which would be sort of pointless and possibly even dangerous, IMHO)

So if theye pass our "hmmmmm, " test, the only thing left is personality, which is how a person speaks and acts. If they are truly a "good conversatinilists with impeccible manners" we go forward. If they turn the converstaion turns towards things we personally find distasteful, like talk about race, religion, or politics, we don't.

The only other things I can think of that would change our minds are if they came dressed badly or had BO, or were deciteful in their profile (said they were bi but wasn't, or agreed to pictures but changed there mind, etc) Otherwise, anybody we invite back to our room or into our home doesn't have to be prince charming or miss manners, they just have to know when to "STFU" as my husband puts it and enjoy the party.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

What did I say?

Here's what you said:

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

I thot you said in another post that you sent clear pics? So she did know what you looked like. If they invited you to their house, they were intending to PLAY. Obviuosly, something you said turned her completly OFF.

Since you still think this is about your looks tells me that theres probably a good reason they didn't invite you to stick around to play.

I think the point rpu3 made is relevant and I understand how even when you've got a good-looking, nice person who "says all the right things" standing before you, you just don't click sexually.

I also think it makes sense to think about what this couple's position may be on swinging and whether they are ready for it. As my earlier post mentioned, the problem could be that the wife is not ready to play...with anyone.

Based on what JofRIT shared in his posts about this couple, I think it is worth considering the possibility that the reason things fell through could have more to do with the couple than with JofRIT.

LM

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Here's what you said:
I think the point rpu3 made is relevant and I understand how even when you've got a good-looking, nice person who "says all the right things" standing before you, you just don't click sexually.

I also think it makes sense to think about what this couple's position may be on swinging and whether they are ready for it. As my earlier post mentioned, the problem could be that the wife is not ready to play...with anyone.

Based on what JofRIT shared in his posts about this couple, I think it is worth considering the possibility that the reason things fell through could have more to do with the couple than with JofRIT.

LM

Ok, I see what your saying. Some people (usually the male) will try to set up some kind of scenerio and the woman will get cold feet or decide she just can't go through with it at the last minute. But this gentleman didn't even consider any of that, he assumed that the reason he wasn't invited to stay was because of his looks. I still feel that his looks probably had nothing to do with it. But then that raises another question, "why wasn't he picking up on the fact that she wasn't into it?" Was she one of those people that are hard to read, or was he so impressed with her looks (and the fact that he was invited there in the first place) that he missed the clues.

Whatever. Sometimes it just doesn't work out and it's better just to move on.

[iapr]

The fact that you have scored AT ALL and the fact that you have been invited into the home of another couple means you are doing something right.

In scenario described I would say that is probably more of a case of the couple not knowing what they were doing and not having their shit together rather than anything you said or did. It sounds to me like this is some kind of fantasy thing for the husband and the wife isn't bought in on it at all at this point. You could have had the looks of Brad Pitt, the dick of John Holmes and the charm of James Bond and it wouldn't have mattered. This issue is with them and not you.

I agree with LikeMinds and rpu3, just because someone is attractive and says and does all the right things does NOT mean that sex is going to occur and if the sex does not occur that does not mean that anything is wrong or that anyone committed a foul.

You must be doing something right to have had the interest that you have already had so just keep doing what you are doing. Being rejected sucks but it happens to everyone to one degree or another on a pretty much ongoing basis. Be thankfull that they at least sent you packing after only an hour and did not burn up a whole evening or make you invest months into them to become "friends" only to them tell you they weren't in the mood.