Single female sorting many things out.

[mosmis84]

Hello,
This is my first post other than my intro post. I just kinda want to know if my head sounds like it is in the right place and am looking for feedback, tips or any input.

I am a divorced female and I visited the swingers club for the first time in August. I have never known anyone in the lifestyle, so I really have no one to discuss any issues with. The club scene works great for me, so far. I do not drink and have no interest in going to a nightclub and trying to pick up men. I don't want to fake small talk and all that if I am just looking for physical companionship.

I like the on premise component of the club. I do not want to go to a hotel with a stranger, nor would I want to be alone at their house or bring them to my home. I am afraid of ending up like an episode of CSI. Since no one knows what I am up to these days (friends or family), no one would know where to look for me. And I wouldn't want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly when my children are here. So, having sex on site at the club is perfect for me.

On my first visit, I introduced myself to the owner of the club, he introduced me to some people. Since I am alone, I like letting the owner know when I am there, it helps to know that someone may be looking out for me. I have been to the club a few times and one house party. I have had great experiences each time.

I have been unable to connect with a couple. I don't know what vibe I am putting out there, I think I must seem to rushed and nervous. Oddly, I am more nervous about the small talk, chatting phase than I am about the naked phase.

Should a single female approach a couple or wait to be approached by them?

I am also a tad bothered that my experiences don't bother me. I have really had to examine my boundaries and definitions and have crossed most lines that I had previously set for myself. And, I am not terribly bothered by that. I still have a strict "no married men" policy but have had to amend that by adding "only if his wife is there too".

I need to get over my shyness as far as online "interviews". I think I would have a much more satisfying experience if I got to know people a little better. Right now, I am just sort of building my confidence that I am sexually attractive and it is OK to express my sexuality outside of the marital relationship that ended in divorce.

Oh, I have tons of questions:
How important is being shaved and is waxing better from a maintainance POV?
Do you wear shoes for comfort and easy removal or can I wear the spikes that make me feel sexy and leave them on?
Can I go to the club when I am "broken" and find some above the waist playtime?
It is warped that I am comfortable having sex with a stranger but am nervous to have a email conversation with someone?
If I get into a monogamous relationship one day, will I be able to be satisfied or will my time as a recreational unicorn person, taint me forever?

What do couples want the single female to know to make the experience more enjoyable for everyone?

Thanks for any input.

[tribbles]

How important is being shaved and is waxing better from a maintainance POV?

Do you wear shoes for comfort and easy removal or can I wear the spikes that make me feel sexy and leave them on?

Can I go to the club when I am "broken" and find some above the waist playtime?

It is warped that I am comfortable having sex with a stranger but am nervous to have a email conversation with someone?

If I get into a monogamous relationship one day, will I be able to be satisfied or will my time as a recreational unicorn person, taint me forever?

What do couples want the single female to know to make the experience more enjoyable for everyone?

Shoes: wear what you like. We have played with women who left the heels on.

"broken" play time: probably. We have actually just grabbed a towel and used condoms if the lady is willing. If she had asked for just above the waist, we would still have had fun.

Are you warped? I'd say you are probably relationship shy at the moment due to your past. Be patient and see if things improve as you get to know people at the club.

I dunno if unicorns are tainted forever....are you bi? If yes, then it may be something you won't want to give up. In which case, you might want to look at single guys who want a relationship but also like swinging. Only time will tell.

I think every couple is going to be different in what they want a single female to know.

And YES, approach the couples.

[Lovethenights]

No matter how much they are mentioned in discussion of the lifestyle, the single female is so seldom seen, most couples don't really know what they would do with one if they found her. You may be getting what seems to be a slow start just because couples are a little slow on the uptake and cautious about recognizing their "dream girl" may have just walked up and offered to sit and have a drink with them. If you come across as genuinely interested in both of them, the man and the woman, you are likely to get taken up on playtime sooner rather than later. Your notions about on premises clubs being ideal for you makes lots of sense. I'd think a few visits and some more exposure at a frequented club should garner you a collection of playing couples who'd enjoy your company.
Regarding the shoe question and the "broken" question, that's between you and them. Regarding the "Are you warped?" question, the answer would have to be "yes," but much less warped than all of the vanilla and straight people who live lives of quiet sexual desperation, unfulfilled, and chained to ancient moral precepts that were never part of their faiths in the first place. You at least are unwarped enough to permit yourself to indulge in healthy, honest, sexual play.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi mosmis84, I feel that I relate to you. I was divorced after a longterm marriage. I found dating to be brutal at times and took breaks from it. I discovered swinging at this time in my life, as a single female. It was a brief time of my life, but I did it for the same reasons you seem to be doing it. For physical companionship, when I was gunshy of relationships and momentarily sick of the BS with single men. Also, I was bi-curious, so being with a couple was enticing to me. I was single-again for 7 years when I married my sweetheart, Mr. Tybee. He and I began swinging together after we were married.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

I like the on premise component of the club. I do not want to go to a hotel with a stranger, nor would I want to be alone at their house or bring them to my home. I am afraid of ending up like an episode of CSI. Since no one knows what I am up to these days (friends or family), no one would know where to look for me.

I think you are very wise.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

I have been unable to connect with a couple. I don't know what vibe I am putting out there, I think I must seem to rushed and nervous. Oddly, I am more nervous about the small talk, chatting phase than I am about the naked phase.
....
I need to get over my shyness as far as online "interviews". I think I would have a much more satisfying experience if I got to know people a little better. Right now, I am just sort of building my confidence that I am sexually attractive and it is OK to express my sexuality outside of the marital relationship that ended in divorce.

It sounds to me like you are still getting your legs under you after the divorce. It can be a very painful time. You are rebuilding yourself and discovering who you are, alone. You are out of practice with flirting and being seductive with new people. Be patient with yourself, and know it is okay to discover this side of you. With each try, you will become more confident and comfortable.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

Should a single female approach a couple or wait to be approached by them?

You could do either. But, you are likely not attracted to just anybody, right? Spot the couple you are really interested in, and strike up a friendly conversation with them. You have the right to choose who you want to be with, and not wait for just anybody to come over and hit on you.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

I am also a tad bothered that my experiences don't bother me. I have really had to examine my boundaries and definitions and have crossed most lines that I had previously set for myself. And, I am not terribly bothered by that.

You are discovering and exploring a sexual side of yourself that is new to you - sex for just pleasure, and not as the means to an end (a relationship). Even within marriage, when a swinging couple gets started, women often have to deal with "slut guilt". Even if we really like and enjoy what's going on, we will question ourselves and ask if we're right in the head for liking this so much. You are in good company.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

How important is being shaved and is waxing better from a maintainance POV?

The great majority prefer shaved/waxed or closely trimmed. There is a minority who prefer bush, but it's a small minority, I believe. Is waxing better: probably, but so far I can't find a salon in my down that will do a Brazilian!

Originally Posted by mosmis84

Do you wear shoes for comfort and easy removal or can I wear the spikes that make me feel sexy and leave them on?

I LOVE sexy shoes and always wear them when we're in that environment. As for leaving them on when having sex, I often do. Sometimes I ask the couple we're with what their preference is. It seems to turn them on to be asked. They always (so far) say, "yes, leave them on!"

Originally Posted by mosmis84

Can I go to the club when I am "broken" and find some above the waist playtime?

It took me awhile to decipher your meaning, but I think you mean when you have your period? Sure, go and have fun. Just let the couple know what's up before you go into the playroom with them.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

It is warped that I am comfortable having sex with a stranger but am nervous to have a email conversation with someone?

I don't think that you are warped at all. I think that you are still rebuilding your confidence, and learning how to be comfortable with flirting. Also, even if it's only sex and perhaps friendship, you are still building some sort of new "relationship" with new people when you are getting acquainted, and you have been going through a difficult emotional time (recently divorced). Just know that it gets easier and better with practice.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

If I get into a monogamous relationship one day, will I be able to be satisfied or will my time as a recreational unicorn person, taint me forever??

I suppose that some people who have enjoyed swinging will always want to swing, even if they are not swinging. That's not to say that most of them cannot be satisfied in a monogamous relationship, though.

After my own brief time with swinging as a single woman, I thought that would be the end of it for me, just a brief time in my life that was behind me. I knew that ultimately, I would like to be married again someday and in love. When I married my husband, I figured that we would never swing. If we hadn't started, I am certain that I would still be very satisfied with monogamy, even if I thought about swinging from time to time. My husband and I are now swinging together, but if we should stop, I have no qualms that we will be very happily monogamous again. I prefer our relationship, love, and sex with my husband over swinging.

Originally Posted by mosmis84

What do couples want the single female to know to make the experience more enjoyable for everyone?

They want to know that the single female won't bring "drama" into their lives. They want to know she won't be flaky or clingy. I'll give you an example: the one time my husband and I met with a single woman out of town, she started emailing us all of the time, and then got whiny as if we were obligated to be in constant, continued communication with her. She wanted something more from us than swinging (something emotional). It happens, and couples are wary of this. Sometimes, a single woman gets a crush on the husband and tries to pursue him emotionally/separately (like private, romantic chats). Be the cool, fun, no-drama friend.

All they want is to know that you are comfortable with what is going on, that you are enjoying them. Have fun!

[ncmd_couple]

MosMis84,

Welcome to the board!

Well, let me try to put things out to you from the male half of a couple. We know two single bi-females. One of them is in the lifestyle and having the time of her life as a “Golden Unicorn.” The other is not, though she wishes she could be, but life’s challenges won’t allow that right now.

I will never forget the first time that a single female came into a club that we were at, and that night was exclusively couples and single men. She came in, had a drink. Chatted with a few people that she knew, then “poof,” she disappeared and we haven’t seen her since. As she was standing next to the serving station at the bar, I did say hi to her when I went up there. But she looked through me like I wasn’t even there. So I got my drinks and went back and sat down.

I think that most people have some anxieties about approaching single women. For the guys, it dates back to those teenage years and fears of rejection. It probably goes the same way for the ladies in a couple, but you will have to have some input from a lady on that! For me, the thoughts, “Wow, we don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with her,” cross my mind first. And that slight hesitation probably knocks us out of any possibility of meeting her.

So, the reality for you is probably about the same as it is for a couple. And a whole lot better for you than a single man. So when you are at a club, and you see a couple or group that you think you would like to meet, just walk up and say “can I sit here?” But after you have been at a club a few times you will pretty much know who are the regulars and those that you have interest in, and those that you don’t.

Your talking to the club owner is also a very good idea. Not from a security standpoint, because you are safer at a swing club than you are in your own living room. But because he/she knows the patrons, what they are into, and what they aren’t. The owners can point out people that might be of interest to you.

We will most likely be moving to TN in the coming months. Maybe we can meet somewhere down the road and laugh over how we met thousands of miles apart over the internet!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by mosmis84

Hello,
This is my first post other than my intro post. I just kinda want to know if my head sounds like it is in the right place and am looking for feedback, tips or any input.

I am a divorced female and I visited the swingers club for the first time in August. I have never known anyone in the lifestyle, so I really have no one to discuss any issues with.

First off, Welcome to the board. I think you will find that this is one place where you can discuss any issue you have whether swinger or not.

The club scene works great for me, so far. I do not drink and have no interest in going to a nightclub and trying to pick up men. I don't want to fake small talk and all that if I am just looking for physical companionship.

I like the on premise component of the club. I do not want to go to a hotel with a stranger, nor would I want to be alone at their house or bring them to my home. I am afraid of ending up like an episode of CSI. Since no one knows what I am up to these days (friends or family), no one would know where to look for me. And I wouldn't want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly when my children are here. So, having sex on site at the club is perfect for me.

On my first visit, I introduced myself to the owner of the club, he introduced me to some people. Since I am alone, I like letting the owner know when I am there, it helps to know that someone may be looking out for me. I have been to the club a few times and one house party. I have had great experiences each time.

Very good plan. I tried swinging as a single female for a short time after my divorce and I had a really hard time with it. It's hard walking in alone and then having to meet people on your own, so it's great if you can have the host or club owner introduce you to some people.

I have been unable to connect with a couple. I don't know what vibe I am putting out there, I think I must seem to rushed and nervous. Oddly, I am more nervous about the small talk, chatting phase than I am about the naked phase.

I think it might really help you if you were able to meet a couple or two at the club and have them introduce you to others that you might want to play with, to help you break the ice. This works in the vanilla world as well, you always look more attractive when you aren't "alone" and it looks like others want to be with you. If that makes sense.

If you do better at the naked phase then you may want to skip the chatting phase. Do you have a swinger profile online? Perhaps on it you can state up front that you only meet and play at the club and just put it out there exactly what you want, so that if you contact a couple or they contact you everyone is clear upfront and when you meet at the club you don't have as much work to do to break the ice and move things to playtime.

Should a single female approach a couple or wait to be approached by them?

Either way, but see my comment above about having someone else introduce you. The great advantage couples have is that we always have each other to lean on, so one of us can "break the ice" and then introduce the other one.

I am also a tad bothered that my experiences don't bother me.

Why does this bother you?

[quote]
Oh, I have tons of questions:
How important is being shaved and is waxing better from a maintainance POV?
[quote]
It doesn't really matter, go with what you are comfortable with. Some people like the totally natural look but I would say that in general as long as you are well trimmed/kept no one is going to blink twice.

Do you wear shoes for comfort and easy removal or can I wear the spikes that make me feel sexy and leave them on?

Go with the spikes if they make you feel sexy. You should always go with what makes you the most comfortable. If you like to have sex with your spikes on, keep them on.

Can I go to the club when I am "broken" and find some above the waist playtime?

Sure. You can also use this time to just help you build your confidence and work on your getting to know people skills.

It is warped that I am comfortable having sex with a stranger but am nervous to have a email conversation with someone?

It sounds like you might have a bit of an intimacy issue. Like maybe you don't want people to get too "close" to you personally. If it's just physical they aren't getting inside your head, there is no risk of a relationship or of them hurting you. It's not warped. It's completely understandable after you've gone through a divorce especially.

If I get into a monogamous relationship one day, will I be able to be satisfied or will my time as a recreational unicorn person, taint me forever?

It's hard to say. I started out swinging as a couple with my ex. Then I got divorced and still had no desire to be monogomous. I tried it for a while with a boyfriend and I was able to do it, because I chose to. I have also been monogomous with my current husband (we've been together for 2 years), and we are now exploring swinging together.

To me the hardest thing about being a single swinger is the idea that at some point you may meet someone you are interested in that you want to have a relationship with and then you will have to tell them about your lifestyle. Then again, you might just meet a guy who is already in the lifestyle as a single as well and that may solve that issue.

What do couples want the single female to know to make the experience more enjoyable for everyone?

Just relax. Each couple is going to have their own rules and it's important that you find out what those specific rules are for that couple, and also that you let them know your rules. One thing to remember is that there is always going to be some fear from most women of you as a "threat", so it's important to let them know that you are in no way interested in a relationship and that is why you are there. You are there for sex and there is nothing wrong with that.

[LOL_OMG]

Hi Mismos and welcome to the boards! I appreciate your comments and questions, as I'm sure alot of others do.

You seem very thoughtful, i.e. having the club owner know that you are there...and I love the fact that you're worried about shoes, lol (no doubt you're a woman). I would wear what you like...high heels seem to make your legs and butt look pretty hot, and if I look hot I feel good. I just can't wear them for very long myself.

I think Julie had great input mentioning another couple. They can certainly break the ice for you, we have met a single female in just that way.

The only thing I would mention is if you're going while you are "broken" is that some people take that as an excuse not to play, whether or not it is true.

Take care and post when you can

Mrs

[mosmis84]

Thank you so much, to everyone, for the warm welcome and thoughtful replies.

I will give some thought to putting up a profile, it will preobably have to wait until the weekend, during the week, I am in full time mommy mode. I would love to be able to just list all my fantasy like a sexual menu and find people to help me make them all come true. Of course, from hanging around the board, I have developed some new fantasies that I am toying with in my mind.

It is just such a relief to have some outlet to share this part of my life with.

Thanks again!