SM swinging safety thoughts

[curiousagain]

Safety is as important for us as it is for the couples. In Nashville I was explaining to someone how often times couples think a SM should, with little prior notice or contact, travel to another town and meet them, sometimes at a hotel room. Think about it. You can't tell anyone where you are going, or why, or who you are meeting. You travel maybe a couple of hundred miles, you're naked and alone and on your own and sometimes even with seasoned swingers the husband may get a little jealous, people over drink, etc. Nobody likes to talk about it but it happens. I have a friend that realized the next day his wallet had apparently been emptied by the male while he was getting busy with the female of a couple. Like couples, we need to reach a comfort level with you both before we travel there or allow you to travel to us. I can get sex here, today. I can swing in this town with friends, if not today, this week. If I'm going to travel, part of it will be because I am interested, intrigued, seeking new swing partners, have built a trust and rapport before traveling, etc. It also goes back to the time issue. I have to take part of my time off and give up a known good time for a possibly equally as good or better time before I travel. I expect to provide no less to couples that travel to me.

I do travel sometimes to swing and when I go I wear a set of dogtags/medic alert notice with my allergies and contact numbers in case of emergency because if I am unconcious, there is no one there who knows who to call. Sure, it's low odds of that happening, but being in the health care field, I often see previously healthy people who have their first seizure, slip and fall (hot tubs, pools, and showers can be dangerous places) or are involved in motor vehicle accidents far from their local town. If I have to have EMS pick me up, I don't want John Doe on my chart. I want my real name, medicine allergies, and the contact numbers of my personal Physician I have been seeing since I was 19 years old and my next of kin on that chart.

Discretion is more important to some than others. Although I don't for the most part care what others think of anything I do, my outing as a swinger would pretty much guarantee loss of my job. Presently I have many years employment in one place. I would lose seniority, about a year in off time I have built up and I presently get about 10 weeks vacation a year. That's a lot to give up. I will take calculated risks so to speak in that I still swing, but only within my comfort zone. If you have face pics on your public profile, post in forums things like "if you're afraid to tell the world you swing you shouldn't swing" then odds are my only answer to an email from you would be polite, short, firm, and mean "no". We just aren't going to be compatible in that area, I wouldn't be comfortable swinging with you, it would be a waste of your time and mine. So among all the other stars that have to align, compatibility in that area is important for feeling safe also.





I'm not after your wife. She's a lovely person and I understand why you married her, but I don't want her for a wife, I don't want to be anybody's "side man" etc. Maybe it's a pride thing, maybe it's a survival instinct, but I have no desire to be anything other than a swing friend, playmate, friend, whatever. We've all heard the horror stories of SM and a wife running off together. It happens, but hopefully you talk to someone long enough to get a gut feeling about them before you swing with them. I say that the SM is a little like a prostitute. People don't value the sex with us as much as they do the fact that when it's done, we leave and they don't hear from us again unless they contact us. Unless you have a continuing swing/friend relationship with them, the SM only needs the Husbands cell number/email and the email that the couple uses for swinging. It's part of non physical safety and comfort.

Anybody else have any tips?

[ShellyM]

You know, its funny because I was just talking about this with a friend of mine, a SM in the lifestyle. It was funny, but if he were a woman I would have reamed his ass. He ended up driving a lady home because she was intoxicated. She lives wayyyy out in the boonies, and since it was late he really didn't know where he was. Long story short, it ended up being a disaster. Only he was there with no ride and it was a nightmare. I laughed my ass off as he was telling me because he was a dumb ass for doing such a thing, but I told him that if he were a woman I'd kill him for going to someone's home like that.

[havefuninsun]

Curious,

It's actually refreshing to read your post and know that there are SM who are as safety conscious, health conscious, and respectful as you are. We are just now talking about the possibility of playing with a single male. I hope we find someone like you.

[widowerman]

I’m a single male and just new to this lifestyle. And safety was the first thing that popped into my head. I really don’t think I could ever have a threesome with a guy/girl couple. I’m a straight male and I also don’t want to steal some guy’s girl. I enjoy the company of women, but I don’t want some guy to beat me up because his woman likes me. I am seriously thinking of taking some self-defense classes as a just in case precautionary measure. You know, that James Bond kind of stuff and such.

I am now single, a widower, and free from any and all relationships. I do like the idea of a steady partner, but that too has a major drawback – jealously, not on my part, but on hers. The swinger’s handbook says jealousy must be contained or vented into a positive fashion.

I sort of have a partner who invited me into this lifestyle; she is a seasoned veteran as I am just getting my feet wet. I just found out recently that as a single male in this lifestyle I can go to a local monthly party when ever I want on such the basis of being me. My gracious hostess and her man like me for me. None too shabby for a newbie.

My “sometimes” partner has not said it yet, but I can see it seething underneath, she does not like this at all. And there it is- the ugly green eyed monster of jealousy. I do not get jealous of my “sometimes” partner, I get annoyed as she has lied to me over these past months. Apparently after reading some posts I’ve discovered that I’m her “go to guy” when she needs a good orgasm, a good pussy lick and fuck after every disastrous party she “just has to go to.” Her “real” partner needs her as his meal ticket to all of these parties and since he has seniority, she is at his beckon and call. I was routinely told this by my “sometimes” partner on the basis that I am a “single male” as those are not allowed at these types of parties. That turned out to be a lie.

But like I said, I’m a single white male who can go to my local monthly party whenever I want too. All I have to do is watch my step, as well as be on guard.

In closing to curiousagain, when in doubt, lead with your left. As for that comment about a prostitute, I sort of think of myself as that warm-up guy for the ladies. Sooner or later if you are any good at what you do, you’ll be the “go to guy” for a lot of frustrated women. And from what I have seen, there are tons of them just waiting. As for the guys, hey, learn to be a better lover. It’s your duty as well as your privilege.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by widowerman

Sooner or later if you are any good at what you do, you’ll be the “go to guy” for a lot of frustrated women. And from what I have seen, there are tons of them just waiting. As for the guys, hey, learn to be a better lover. It’s your duty as well as your privilege.

"Tons of frustrated women?"

I think curiousagain could teach you something more about swinging that you need to know.

If your mark for swinging women is the frustrated ones, you better be ready for some rough times ahead. There are many of us who aren't frustrated and we can spot guys who think they are doing us a favor by making themselves available to us.

And your attitude that the other guys need to learn to be better lovers isn't going to sit well with them either.

LM

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

If your mark for swinging women is the frustrated ones, you better be ready for some rough times ahead. There are many of us who aren't frustrated and we can spot guys who think they are doing us a favor by making themselves available to us.

Here, here!

Spoomonkey (feeling a wee bit justified for my statements about single men is another thread)

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Anybody else have any tips?

Tips on what, I didn't really follow what you were asking.

[des1re06]

Curiousagain, I agree with everything you have to say, and do be careful out there. I will always stand by my belief that it's best to get to know who you're playing with rather than the quickie one night stand. Just my gut feeling on this.

Good luck and have fun!

Mrs. D

[good times]

Originally Posted by widowerman

I’m a single male and just new to this lifestyle. And safety was the first thing that popped into my head. I really don’t think I could ever have a threesome with a guy/girl couple. I’m a straight male and I also don’t want to steal some guy’s girl. I enjoy the company of women, but I don’t want some guy to beat me up because his woman likes me.

Stick around here a read a bit widowerman. What you will find out is that, having a threesome with a guy/girl almost never involves any homosexual activity and usually both guys are straight, and there is almost zero chance that you will steal some guy's girl. If the woman you are playing with has a male partner that she loves, the only way she is going to "like" you is as a friend and occasional playmate. If you think it is going to go beyond that, you have a lot yet to learn.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

"Tons of frustrated women?"

I think curiousagain could teach you something more about swinging that you need to know.

If your mark for swinging women is the frustrated ones, you better be ready for some rough times ahead. There are many of us who aren't frustrated and we can spot guys who think they are doing us a favor by making themselves available to us.

And your attitude that the other guys need to learn to be better lovers isn't going to sit well with them either.

LM

What she said, I agree with LM.

Additionally, I have met a lot of swinging couples, but have yet to meet a woman who thought that her playmate was a better lover than her husband/SO. Different and fun yes, but rarely better (I only say rarely because I am sure it is possible, but I have never met one in person). The reason that it is highly unlikely that you could ever be better with a new playmate than her husband/SO, is that their is no way you could know all of her hot spots, rhythms, and buttons to push that they have learned about each other over many years together. furthermore, the committed couple has an intimacy based on love that makes their sex better than the occasional playmate could ever achieve.

To the original topic, great post CA, I haven't got any additional tips as you covered it very well.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by good times

there is almost zero chance that you will steal some guy's girl.

GT

There are women out there for a fellow to steal... The women are called train wrecks and the men are called cow shit (or something like that). Just like the occasional sticky floor, this is one of the things healthy couples have to slog through now and then...



Spoomonkey

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by widowerman

Sooner or later if you are any good at what you do, you’ll be the “go to guy” for a lot of frustrated women. And from what I have seen, there are tons of them just waiting. As for the guys, hey, learn to be a better lover. It’s your duty as well as your privilege.

LOL. Okay, from what I understand you are coming from the opinion that we women are only swinging because our husbands are not fulfilling us sexually. This is the absolutely worst assumption you can make. Number one, you are coming with the belief that you are super lover and are the best fuck that any woman has ever had, and her pitiful husband should watch and learn. Hmmmmmm W R O N G answer!!! That is an absolutely false misconception along with the belief that women in the lifestyle are ignorant nymphomaniacs that will spread their legs for anyone with a penis. Sorry, not happening. I think you need to get with single men who do have a clue as to what this is really about.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Anybody else have any tips?

Originally Posted by Chicup

Tips on what, I didn't really follow what you were asking.

Tips on safety...which is important for both singles and couples.

You covered things extremely well CA and IMO, things that should be used by couples and singles.

Ted and I will travel quite a bit, meeting people, going to different clubs/parties/conventions...whatever...places we really don't want to or feel comfortable telling family exactly where we're going. We do however have a very close set of friends, who are also swingers, that we give all travel information to...even when we are meeting someone local for the first time we will let them know.

That's about all I can add to what you've wrote...let at least one person know where you're going, what you're doing and your estimated time of return...use common sense.

Teresa

[absingleman]

Thanks for posting this, CuriousAgain. I think that many swingers, especially newbies, don't take the safety concerns of single men as seriously as the safety of couples or single women because we are men and usually the aggressors.

I've said several times that I haven't corresponded with anyone in the swinging community in several years that I felt comfortable with. Some seemed too desperate, some too needy, some just turned me off because they were ONLY interested in a black man and could care less about anything else. I can get that without paying twenty dollars a month to send emails to a twenty or more profiles before one responds to say no and a hundred or ore before one says yes. Then they say "I liked your profile. Can you come to our town the day after tomorrow? My wife wants you bad." Seems like the setup for a Rob Zombie movie.

Safety comes first, last and always. Single men. If the people you contact don't make the effort to know you, forget them. There are real couples and single women that want to meet real single men and become swing friends with them. Don't let them treat you any less than you treat the single women you date in the "vanilla world".

Have fun and be safe.

[ncmd_couple]

Widower and I are about the same age, he is a little older than me, but not by much. I think that some of you have misunderstood what he said because he came from the vanilla world and is now learning the swinger world.

One of the things that I learned after I got divorced, with the women that I dated, was that their ex's were, for the most part, slam-bam-thank you-mam kinda guys. Now, that is something that we have not experienced in the swinging community. But I have come across it a lot in the vanilla world.

So give him a break. His statement, the way I read it, was not his ego talking. It was an honest concern. There are too many men out there that think that getting their rocks off is making love. And they think that the lady is satisfied with that. It is a reality.

Now, in the swinger world, Lee has had excellent partners, and she has had bad partners, just like me. But for the most part they were all better than most of the partners in the vanilla world.

As for the OP. You are wise to be very careful and protect yourself just as the rest of us do. But having grown up in the medical field, my Dad was a Doc, hospital parties were even wilder than going to a swinger club!!! You be careful out there!!!

[bigjoehd]

Originally Posted by widowerman

I sort of think of myself as that warm-up guy for the ladies. Sooner or later if you are any good at what you do, you’ll be the “go to guy” for a lot of frustrated women. And from what I have seen, there are tons of them just waiting. As for the guys, hey, learn to be a better lover. It’s your duty as well as your privilege.

Your killing me,as a couple my wife & myself have been active over 10 years & cant begin to count how many guys we've met with the same attitude as yours,i swear i think you guys dream this shit up after reading too many penthouse forum letters

We get atleast 10 emails a week from men who make comments just like yours on the swingers site we belong to,when they make their profile they click "couple", because in the back of their mind they believe they are so studly & the women are so lonesome & neglected that its all about meeting the woman.

Seriously,you are going to have a hard road to hoe in this lifestyle,trying to find somebody who lives up to what (you) think this lifestyle is all about because you aint got the first clue.