Who Pays? Couples meeting with Single Females

[OhioCouple]

What is the proper etiquette in the swinging environment when meeting with a single female for dinner/drinks or getting a room. Should the couple pick up their tab as society has for years deemed appropriate in the dating world? Or should the same hold true as when meeting new couples or single males for the first time?

It seems to me that by picking up the tab for a single female might appear as some form of alluding to an expectation of a sexual relationship. Is there an expectation among single females overall? Or do they view a single swinging relationship the same as couples do and prefer to pay their portion of dining or lodging?

Just one of these curious questions, that popped in my head.

Lori

[imsnowman]

It would seem to us that normal courtesy prevails. If sommeone is our guest (invitee) we pay. If its a mutual invitation (couples just getting together with each other) they split or race for the check. We'd probably "treat" at least part of the bill for a single male as well.

[Quin]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by OhioCouple:
<strong>What is the proper etiquette in the swinging environment when meeting with a single female for dinner/drinks or getting a room. Should the couple pick up their tab as society has for years deemed appropriate in the dating world? Or should the same hold true as when meeting new couples or single males for the first time?

It seems to me that by picking up the tab for a single female might appear as some form of alluding to an expectation of a sexual relationship. Is there an expectation among single females overall? Or do they view a single swinging relationship the same as couples do and prefer to pay their portion of dining or lodging?

Just one of these curious questions, that popped in my head.

Lori</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Okay, here we go...

If I'm out for dinner with a couple or couples from my swing circle, I always offer to pay my own way but there are couples within the group that won't allow that and always pay for my dinner. There are a few couples that have no problem with me paying for my own dinner and I have to say that generally these are the younger couples who still have kids at home. I have no problem with paying for my own dinner at any time. I may reciprocate having my dinner paid for by buying a round of drinks (we're all not really big drinkers so that in itself poses a problem) but I have never felt the pressure to do this.

If I'm meeting a couple for the first time, they generally pay for my dinner. I always offer but they usually take my bill. There have been some couples that have said, 'Okay, here's your bill' and once again, I have no problem with that.

If I'm at home and it's decided upon to go to a hotel, once again, I always offer to pay half. Sometimes the couple take me up on it, sometimes they don't. I think a lot of it, Lori, has to do with the couple and their financial situation. Older couples with kids out of the house tend to have more spendable cash then younger couples with children at home. There is one couple within our group that I know is struggling very hard money-wise and I have paid for their dinner a few times (very discretely so as not to embarrass them) and they usually don't do the hotel thing probably because they're having rough times right now financially.

If I've travel out of town to meet a couple and am staying at a hotel and it's decided that a hotel room is in order, I don't offer my hotel room...but will pay half for another hotel room with the couple. My reason being is that my hotel room is my safe place. My place I can return to and be alone, if that makes any sense. People seem to understand this and have no problem paying half for another room...and many times, they pay the full hotel room cost.

I have and will always be able to pay for my own dinner, a hotel room, whatever may arise. But that's me and that's how my daddy raised me to be. I do know of one single woman in particular who will not offer to pay for a thing and will walk out if it's brought up that she should pay for her dinner or half for a hotel room. She's not very popular as you can imagine.

As for myself, I never expect that by a couple paying for my dinner that I will put out. No means No in a couple/single woman setting as it does in a group setting. I don't think there's any steadfast rules in these situations. You just have to consider the woman and your financial situation. Tho I do think it fair that if you aren't planning on paying for her dinner, you allow her to know ahead of time just to insure no embarrassment on her part if she doesn't have the money on her to cover it. Sometimes those darn little clutches only allow you to stuff so much into them and after the makeup goes in, there's little room to stuff a wallet (especially if your wallet is a big ole organizer like mine is)...so she may be like me and just tuck a few dollars or a ten or twenty down in there along with ID (tho I usually try to remember the slip a credit card into a zipped area of the clutch) and put my regular purse into my overnight bag which remains in my van or trunk locked until whatever happens happens.

Don't know if that helped any, but at least you'll know what I will or won't do if it's me you're dining with!! <img border="0" alt="[ROFL]" title="" src="graemlins/rofl.gif" />

Quin
<img border="0" alt="[Smiley_sex]" title="" src="graemlins/smilysex.gif" />

[bimrdcpl]

My husband and I are not seasoned swingers just yet. We have played with one couple and always at their house. So now that we want to play with others there are some questions on etiquette. As you can see we are a couple so when we meet with a single male or female who should pay for the hotel? Is it proper to have the male pay for it, or should we. Do we offer to pay half? What? This may seem like such a trivial thing but I just want to make sure we do things right. Any advice or comments will be apprieciated.

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by bimrdcpl
My husband and I are not seasoned swingers just yet. We have played with one couple and always at their house. So now that we want to play with others there are some questions on etiquette. As you can see we are a couple so when we meet with a single male or female who should pay for the hotel? Is it proper to have the male pay for it, or should we. Do we offer to pay half? What? This may seem like such a trivial thing but I just want to make sure we do things right. Any advice or comments will be apprieciated.

We have only swung on two occasions in a hotel, and in both cases the cost was split. This was brought up and agreed upon by all parties prior to the event. However, what's worked for us up til now may be different from what will work for you and your partners.

At all other times we've swung in the other couple's homes. This isn't really a trivial point, if arrangements aren't made beforehand regarding hotels, one couple may end up feeling taken advantage of.

Dan

[OhioCouple]

I brought this same topic up a while back. It is a very good question and not one in which I still really understand. Hopefully some others will chime in with their .02 cents worth.

Here is the link to what I posted before.

Who Pays? Couples meeting with Single Females

Lori

[Alura]

We've never played in a hotel setting, but if we did, we'd insist on each couple having a separate room. We like our privacy after play time.

Alura

[youngish56]

Unless there was some discomfort on the part of one of the parties, I would pay. I am assuming that this play site is away from the home area and as such would have been an expense I'd have borne if my wife and I had stayed there alone.

Meals and drinks would have been a seperately settled issue from the hotel room bill.

If the hotel visit is due to some physical inability to entertain at home, then I'd agree that the bill may deserve splitting by each couple. Clear and friendly communication would be the answer to either issue, I think.

An alternative could be that the first man with a limp willy would have to pay. I don't think I could take the pressure.LOL

[Elusive BiFem]

I was wondering...when you meet a couple for the first time - drinks or dinner - who pays? Or when a couple meets a single for the first time?

For me, it isn't like it's an "invitation" in which case the inviter generally pays. It's different since the involved parties have usually responded to ads and such.

Frankly, I like to pay my own way - or depending on circumstances, maybe they pay for dinner and I pay for drinks. Something like that. Or!! At Starbucks, they pay for the coffee and I pay for those scrumptious things!

It makes me uncomfortable to have someone insist on paying, yet I hate that thing of dividing up the dinner tab down to the penny.

Also, wondering if the feeling is different for single males? Feel obligated to pay?

Thoughts on this subject? - EBF

[4cplsinmd]

The couples I've been out with,it's been a mutual thing. No one expected me to pay, though I would have. I think everyone feels it is a group thing, and we treat it as such.

[JustAskJulie]

This is something I've been wondering about more lately, now that I'm single. I know we talked about it on here before, but we have so many new singles (of both varieties) that it's a great topic to bring up again.

As a couple, we would usually pick up the tab on dinner. If they declined we didn't insist. If it was a night out and drinks were involved usually everyone paid for their own, with maybe a round bought here or there/ alternated.

As a single female I prefer to pay my own way, both with couples and on dates with guys. I just don't like the idea that there might be ANY expectations involved with the idea of someone else paying. Every once in a while someone will insist on paying and I won't fight them, but I also won't allow it to become a regular thing. If they pay this time, then I will insist on paying the next.

This is an issue that was brought about long ago by a guy I dated off and on for several years. I was brought up that the guy always pays and never really thought twice about it. He never said otherwise either until about 2 years into our on and off relationship when he more or less went off on how he felt like he was buying sex because he always paid. I look back now and really wonder if that's all he felt he was getting out the relationship. At any rate, that's why now I don't let others (guys especially) pay my way.

[2New2it]

I don't think you could make a hard, fast rule. We've done it several ways. I guess I'm just old-fashioned, but when we meet a lady, we have always paid and if we meet a gentleman, we usually split one way or another. We've never met a couple, but I would expect to split the bill.

One tightwad didn't even offer to pay the tip or drinks. Since I was older, I was automatically presented the bill, so I guess it's a fate we older dogs sometimes have to suffer if we decide to play with the puppys!

[OhioCouple]

Excellent question. Speaking from both as having been a single female for many years and part of a couple, in addition to part of a newly swinging couple, ...I am sorta with everyone who has posted.

Here is my thinking.

As a single woman, I almost always insisted on paying my way as I wanted no expectaions to evolve out of an evening of dinner. It was almost like a safety factor or something.

As a couple (with my husband) when we meet with our mainstream friends almost always one person is picking up the entire tab. There is never any discussion about it. (okay a little let me get this one kinda stuff, but it is all in fun.) The thing is, it rotates and has never caused a problem.

Meeting with swingers though posed a dilemma for us. This is how it has worked out for us over the last two years.

If we are meeting someone for dinner for the first time, that we have met via the ad site, we request that the server give us separate checks. If we have grown to know them, and meet them on a regular basis, we sorta treat them like our mainstream friends and will just say, put it all on one check.

We have one couple that we don't see often, in which when do get together it works the same way. We never request separate checks and at the end of the evening both just split the bill, regardless of who had what. It's never a question. Just like with our mainstream friends.

Now, regarding my thoughts on meeting Singles (male and female, I posed this question about a year ago or so). What I think now (since I didn't know the proper etiquette then) is that it has to be a combination of the two.

A single should not be treated any different than those that are a couple. A common thing that I have seen is that there is an expectation for the single male to foot the bill, kinda like they are paying to be with you, but yet couples that are picking up the bill look like they are paying to be with a single female. So the safest bet is that everyone pays their own. That way the single male doesn't feel taken advantage of, and the single female doesn't feel like she has been bought out. (Sorry ya'll but that is real life in dating too...not just swinging)

However...once you have reached 'the' comfort level, then I think that it goes to just like ya do with your regular friends. Ya know..."Hey let me buy this round of drinks" or "Put this all on one check please". And it just alternates over time.

[pinklady36]

We recently met a new couple and it was the first time we met face to face with a couple from the site. We decided to meet for dinner. We hit it off and conversation came easy between the four of us. At the end of the meal, while we were discussing what we would do next, I insisted, on a whim, to pick up the tab. The husband was fine, if not flattered. His wife was uncomfortable. We told them they could get the next one and she seemed to be okay with that. Being our first time, and the fact that they initiated the initial contact, and the fact that they were a "real" couple, and we all clicked.........it just seemed to be the right thing to do at the time. I was grateful for their kindness. I can honestly say that I would not have made such a gesture if there wouldn't have been some kind of chemistry. I think the who pays has to be taken on a case by case basis.

[Elusive BiFem]

I think the determination of who pays is a bit easier when it is a couple - couple meeting, I guess because the playing field is more level. (I think. I don't really know since I'm not a couple. )

But for singles, I think it can become particularly difficult and uncomfortable situation at the first meeting. Even when I've requested separate checks, I've had the other party say, "No..just put it on one check." Actually, that response, while I know it is generally meant in kindness, tends to irk me. "Did you not hear me say I wanted a separate check" type of feeling. And then again, it depends on how things have gone in general, as pinklady36 noted. I've learned to get around that by always carrying cash; therefore, at the end of the meal I can put my bills on the table, leaving little room for discussion.

And my feelings are just like Ms. O's when a relationship reaches the "comfort level." Who pays is determined by who has the bucks!!

So? Single guys? What is your take on this subject? I can see that single men might be placed in a really difficult situation.

- EBF