Open Marriage: How to word it in ads

[swyngtyme]

Okay, here's the thing. I'm looking for help in figuring out a good way to word my situation in profiles and/or contact e-mails, or even in conversation.

See, I'm married. I make no bones about it, I wear my wedding ring even to swingers clubs. My wife and I have an open relationship, though I guess you can't really call us swingers, because we only play separately. She hates the club scene, has absolutely no interest in threesomes or couple-swapping or anything. She only plays with old friends--she has one old boyfriend she's recently reconnected with, and they've had a good time, and there are a couple other men she's talking to to see if she wants to move further. I'm totally okay with this, I send her out the door with a smile, putting the condoms in her hand and wishing her a good time, even eager to hear about it (when she's ready) when she comes home.

Additionally, we have a young son, just turning two. He's an extremely intense little boy, who can go from happy to screaming enough to rattle the windows in two seconds. He gets violent, and he's very big for his age (think two year old in a four year old's body), so he's got the strength to do some damage. In other words, we can't get a sitter, so one of us needs to be with him at all times. I'm a stay at home dad right now for a reason.

These two factors mean that, here I am in the swingers community, hoping for a few playmates and new experiences of my own, but looking by myself. Worst of all, I see and understand the problems many couples have with "single" guys who are actually married but cheating, so many people will automatically suspect that I am lying. I try to help this by pointing out that my wife is totally behind my search, and if anyone has interest in me, they can meet her to confirm my story before anything happens between us.

But I'm looking for a good way to word all of this, some way that hopefully comes across honest, genuine, perhaps even a little funny, but above all--how can I word it so it seems neither creepy nor like a bad line?

So far, struggling as I've been, the best I've come up with usually comes out something like this: "I'm married, but my wife and I play separately. I know that sounds like a cheater's line, but you can meet my wife to confirm."

If I were a different sort of person, I'd just leave the ring at home and say I'm single. But that's not me, that's not who I am. What's more, with the kind of intimacy involved in what I'm hoping to eventually find, there's just no room for any dishonesty or falseness in that kind of thing. If you start out with any, it will (and deserves to) fall apart long before you get to any good result.


Anyway, that's my situation. Can you help me put it well for profiles and conversations? Thanks for any help.

[harsh]

Well, this could be very very stupid, OR very very innovative...... But if I were you, I would have my wife write my profile. She may be able dispell the inherent skepticism from a feminine point of view. The hope would be that she could also provide a testimonial on your behalf , thus riding you of the need to talk yourself up on the profile.

A tag line like "My Husband is a man for all seasons". As the married male of a couple, I couldn't guarantee I would contact you, but I would certainly give it a read.

For what it's worth.......

[racewalker]

my marriage is the same the wife has a boyfriend and is happy with the both of us. she has encourged me to be open and seek others. she is not interested swing life but is very intersted in the poly-life .
She is not a sexual person but I am only with the right people. she encourges my sexual side by telling me to go for it. and exlpore there is some great people who swing.I wish I could get going and meet some new friends and see what happens

[ShellyM]

OP, the problem that you are going to find is this: Most married men playing alone are in reality cheating husbands. So you will find that there is a stigma out there against men who play without their wives, even with their permission. Jay and I have each other's permission to do this as well (although its saved for rare treats and we do not allow it to become common or habit)...but even when I get on cam and talk with ladies they shy away. Sorry to say it, but you just cannot trust anyone out here and I don't blame them. So I think this will be your main issue in finding playmates. I agree with letting your wife write the profile. One thing our friend did was this: SLS allows you to do a video intro. His wife got on and did a recording saying who she is and yes, she is consenting to him playing alone. Again however, that could be his sister for all we know LOL (although they are honest people). I think m&gs may be a good bet for you.
Best of luck,
Shelly

[swyngtyme]

Shelly: What's "m&gs"? Yeah, video is not a bad idea, where available. My wife and I both appearing and her talking about our arrangement, and even showing a picture from our wedding so people know she's really my wife? ;-)

Harsh: That is an interesting thought, and actually one that occured to me while I was writing that post. I wonder, though, if it wouldn't just look like a silly gimmick? However, I suppose, if it's a gimmick that gets someone to read through the whole listing instead of skimming and moving on, that might be worth it.

I guess I just have to face the fact that, no matter what I do, it may simply never be enough for most people. Time to write the best profile I can come up with and all but forget about it--be patient and sit and wait.

[graygo98]

I think that a truly suspicious person would doubt even a video intro with both of you in it. After all, Churchill used doubles all the time. In reality though, any online ad --- single guy/woman who isn't, couple that are married, but not to each other --- is a bit of a crap shoot until you meet. You write well, appear sensitive to others and how they might perceive you.... you are streets ahead of a lot of the single guys that post ads.

I think the approaches suggested above will further improve your odds to about as good as it gets. In fact, there is a person in your position from SW Ontario on AFF now. He makes full disclosure and from his testimonials seems to have made out ok. So, it can work. In fact, once you drive by the initial suspicion, someone in an honest open relationship is probably going to be a much better bet than some guy who is primarily looking for an LTR but will take any no-strings-attached sex he can get in the meantime. Much more likely to "get" the lifestyle mindset.

I think Shelly meant "meet and greets", swinger get-togethers in your area. As someone who is just starting out, your best bet would probably be a club. Although most don't allow single guys, some do. But it won't be like shooting fish in a barrel... there is a lot of competition and most of it is ruining it for the few "good" guys.

[swyngtyme]

Yeah, I've tried the club thing a few times. Even got special permission last Saturday to be solo on a couples only night. Never felt so much like a leper in my whole life. On the nights when singles are allowed, there are too many of us. On that night when we normally wouldn't be, the people who go on couples only nights do so partly because they don't want to deal with singles, so I'm even more of an outsider.

Frankly, with the odds as they are, although the clubs make a personal impression easier, the number of times on average that I'd have to go to the clubs and spend the night bored and lonely for it to work out even once--I just can't afford that kind of coin.

[swyngtyme]

Oh, and about meet & greets--except clubs, people around here don't seem to do that. The BDSM community is very active, and the do meet-ups they call "munches"--in a public restaurant, low-pressure, ways to get to know people to maybe invite them to parties, or just to see each other socially. Within casual driving distance, I could go to at least four regular monthly ones. But I can't find that the swingers community does any such thing, at least around here.

[Alura]

Since your wife has a regular boyfriend, why not find yourself a regular girlfriend? Perhaps one who's interested in swinging?

Of course, there are some couples who won't play unless their playcouple is legally married (to each other) but some will. Such an arrangement wouldn't solve your problems but might ease them a bit. It would certainly lower the admission cost at clubs.

Don't mislead anyone by pretending to be married. Once again, honesty is the most important requirement in swinging (in my opinion).

Alura

[swyngtyme]

Yes, a regular--that's actually what I'm trying to find.

I hope you're not suggesting above that I'm pretending to be married. It would be rather hard to follow up on my promise to let people meet my wife, and have her tell them herself that I'm allowed to go and play. If they think it's a friend I've coerced into saying that, I'll let them look at our wedding photos! :-)

[Alura]

It looks like you've got that situation well in hand. Good luck, and let us know how it goes, Swyngtyme. No, I never thought you might be single and pretending to be married.

On how to meet SO II: I shared this idea in a similar hread some time ago, so please forgive me if I again repeat myself again.

About a century ago I had some married friends who had met through a video dating service. A seeker would do a video tape in which he told of his hopes and interests in a new partner. You could also view the tapes the other sex had made.

My suggestion is to join one of these services if they will agree that you can say anything you want (that's legal, of course) on your video. Talk of the usual things such as education, career, etc., but also say "In my next relationship, I want to be involved with my SO in the Swingers Lifestyle. We can discuss details over dinner."

You may not reap many inquiries but the ones you get will be good ones. You only need one.

Who knows? Might work!

Alura

[swyngtyme]

I've taken a new stab at writing my profile for a couple of sites, part of which addresses my unique situation. I re-wrote it several times to shorten it, and realized in the end, partly from the helpful replies in this thread, that (when it comes to words on the screen) there's only so much I can do--they'll either believe me, or not believe me, or perhaps reserve judgement and give me the chance to prove it--but a whole lot of explaining won't make it any better than just laying it out simply. Let me know what you think of this new profile. I've used only two simple sentences of it to describe my situation.

*****
Here I sit, trying to write my profile in some way that will let me stand out from the crowd, without sticking out like a sore thumb. Is that even possible?

I'm in an open marriage, but my wife and I only play separately, at her choice. My wife can and will vouch for my honesty on this. I'll consider solo females or couples (I've never had a threesome yet, but maybe we can teach each other some new things), but no cheaters--I won't be a part of that. I'm hoping to eventually find someone for a "friends with benefits" situation, but the first step isn't the benefits, it's the friends.

Okay, let's be honest--this is a swinger site, we're all here looking for sex. But there's *so* much more to it than that. I'm not going to sit here and try to tell you that I'm going to be the best you've ever had, or that I can offer something no one else can, or that I'm hung like a mule or anything like that. Rather, I will try to convince you that I'm a nice, safe, sane guy, who just wants a little adventure, with everyone's pleasure in mind. My wife says that I have a great butt and nice big, strong hands, but that's her opinion--maybe you won't agree, so I won't even try to sell myself on that. I'll just hope that an honest and decently-written profile catches your attention, and that you might want to find out more--then maybe you can decide those things for yourself.
*****

What do you think?

[racewalker]

I agree with swingtime its hard . you try to be honest with people but everyone has distrust (which maybe founded inmost cases) but what about us who tell the truth aout our lifestyle.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by swyngtyme

*****
Here I sit, trying to write my profile in some way that will let me stand out from the crowd, without sticking out like a sore thumb. Is that even possible?

I'm in an open marriage, but my wife and I only play separately, at her choice. My wife can and will vouch for my honesty on this. I'll consider solo females or couples (I've never had a threesome yet, but maybe we can teach each other some new things), but no cheaters--I won't be a part of that. I'm hoping to eventually find someone for a "friends with benefits" situation, but the first step isn't the benefits, it's the friends.

Okay, let's be honest--this is a swinger site, we're all here looking for sex. But there's *so* much more to it than that. I'm not going to sit here and try to tell you that I'm going to be the best you've ever had, or that I can offer something no one else can, or that I'm hung like a mule or anything like that. Rather, I will try to convince you that I'm a nice, safe, sane guy, who just wants a little adventure, with everyone's pleasure in mind. My wife says that I have a great butt and nice big, strong hands, but that's her opinion--maybe you won't agree, so I won't even try to sell myself on that. I'll just hope that an honest and decently-written profile catches your attention, and that you might want to find out more--then maybe you can decide those things for yourself.
*****

What do you think?

I like it, but I'd add just a bit more to make it really clear. As a woman, I think this extra bit would be something I'd need and want to know. Here it is, with my insertion in bold:

*****
Here I sit, trying to write my profile in some way that will let me stand out from the crowd, without sticking out like a sore thumb. Is that even possible?

I'm in an open marriage, but my wife and I only play separately, at her choice. My wife and I are very close, loving, and honest with each other. She has her own special "friends with benefits" relationships, which I support. Likewise, she is supportive of me. My wife can and will vouch for my honesty on this. I'll consider solo females or couples (I've never had a threesome yet, but maybe we can teach each other some new things), but no cheaters--I won't be a part of that. I'm hoping to eventually find someone for a "friends with benefits" situation, but the first step isn't the benefits, it's the friends.

Okay, let's be honest--this is a swinger site, we're all here looking for sex. But there's *so* much more to it than that. I'm not going to sit here and try to tell you that I'm going to be the best you've ever had, or that I can offer something no one else can, or that I'm hung like a mule or anything like that. Rather, I will try to convince you that I'm a nice, safe, sane guy, who just wants a little adventure, with everyone's pleasure in mind. My wife says that I have a great butt and nice big, strong hands, but that's her opinion--maybe you won't agree, so I won't even try to sell myself on that. I'll just hope that an honest and decently-written profile catches your attention, and that you might want to find out more--then maybe you can decide those things for yourself.
*****

Why I added that....I would need and want to know that this is a close, loving couple who have their act together and are very supportive of each other. You didn't really say much of anything about your relationship with your wife, and how that is....but if it's strong and loving and supportive, I would share that fact. What I added also clarifies that your wife is already "getting hers", so she's not being left behind or left out. Honest, caring people don't want to imagine her home alone, feeling isolated and abandoned (like a cheater's wife).

[swyngtyme]

For one of my ads, that's fine, and I understand why it's good. For another place that I tried to put this up, it was already more than 150 characters too much, and I had to cut it down--there's no room for more.

Doesn't it already say that we play separately, therefore saying that she does play? Perhaps I can acheive the same effect with just a couple more words, like saying that my loving wife and I only play separately, each with our own playmates, at her choice, which I support.