Have a girlfriend, I want to swing, she doesn't. Am I normal?

[RitchieRitch]

sorry i had long day at work today, i will now spend some time reviewing and answering some replies.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
Let her go and even if it hurts her for a little while, she will get over it, be all the much wiser and will have the opportunity to find a man that will love, honor and be sensitive to her feelings.

I have said this as nicely as I can.

Lori

Yes i know this is prolly the right thing to do ... everything in me except my heart is telling me to do just that. Im trying my hardest to avoid it though, i do love her.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by Handyman69
Well the way I see it....you have to deal with those feelings if you want to maintain the relationship. If you don't, sooner or later she will be walking.

Well said, i see that also and i have been trying to deal with it for maybe 3-4yrs now, these feelings i have just dont go away! Thats why im here, lol .... to find out if anyone else has gone through this and can advise.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by BostonDLT
In my humble opinion...I'm sorry to say that it may just boil down to you two being incompatible. Sexually and emotionally incompatible.

Your sexual incompatibility needs no discussion..you know the situation. Who knows, depending on your age and the psychological makeup of you both, you may be able to grow together in that regard. But based on 'just' what you wrote...my guess is you won't be able to bridge the gap simply because the gulf is huge and your behavior (cheating) is widening that gap.

Emotionally...depends again. One thing that jumped out when I read your first post was a comment about your gf being "extremely jealous and insecure." The odds are that the seeds for that personality were planted long before you met. Jealousy and insecurity are issues that could take years to overcome, if at all. You surely had to have noticed early on that she was sensitive in that regard, yes? That leads me to wonder how one who loves another would fan those fires by suggesting liasons you had to just KNOW would not be well received.

That leads me to my true conclusion. Not only are you both not compatible....but whatever "love" you feel for her and she for you...is not enough. Sometimes it just isn't enough. Life is unfair. Not only does SHE deserve to be with someone who is happy to be faithful (if that is a cornerstone of the relationship) but so too should you seek out someone who will meet your own needs. Because as unfair as life can sometimes be...it is also too short.

Either you both go into serious couples counceling or part as good friends and find the people who really are a good 'fit' physically and emotionally.

Good luck,
S

Excelent post!!!!!!!!!!!

Very informative and helpful.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by turnuptheheat
"I BEG her to allow me to bring another man, woman, or even couple home and she just isnt having it! Flame me or call me a pig, but because of this i have been forced to go elsewhere to satisfy myself."

-"Forced" is a strong word. If you cannot control your urges or talk to her about your needs, you are in the wrong relationship

"My hobby is porn. I make alot of money and spend alot of time promoting porn sites and porn material and i think because of this, the "norm" has become somewhat boring to me.

You ask why im still with her? Well ... i love her with all my heart. I could never imagine life without her! But to be perfectly honast our sex life is soooo dull to me! Most of the time id rather just stay on pc than go do anything ... even if i am horny!"

--This is a red flag. When cyber replaces real relationship and sex, you have a problem IMO.
If you would rather stay on the PC, your primary focus is inward and she is a secondary issue.
What about her needs? Your post seems selfish and possibly even a little sick in the regard that fantasy seems to be overruling reality at the expense of your REAL life.
Perhaps a little self assessment is called for in this area?



"I know i dont satisfy her, and im not looking for an easy way out by bringing another guy home, i just think it will make the scene alot more interesting to me and i will perform better."

--Sounds like BS when you are more concerned with cyberporn than her needs.


"She would never ever ever fall into or even experiment with a swinging lifestyle, yet i need something more!!!"

--What part are you not understanding then?


Ok, with all that said, ill ask my first questions....

1. Is this normal feelings im having? i mean is every male out there going through same thing? If so how do you deal with it?

-Talk to her and be honest. I think this is an unlikely option for you though

2. I often have thoughts of why society pushes us into having just one partner. Even for women, arent 2 dicks better than one? Yet they dont want to explore! Is this normal thinking?

-Not for everyone. A dick comes attached to a person and for most people, the relationship with the person is more important than the dick. The most important sexual organ is the mind and for her, the thought of 2 men or swinging in general may be repulsive. nuff said, she seems to be clear on this

3. These feelings of mine have been getting stronger for the last say 5yrs now. Im very worried that it will not pass and that i am stringing her along! As you must have guessed, after 7yrs she is now pushing heavily with the marriage shit and im scared to make the commitment she wants knowing that im not satisfied. When i tell her "im not ready" i can see it breaks her heart!

--When you become obsessed with a behaviour to the point that it interferes with reality, you have a problem.

I appreciate the time you took replying, but you have misread or misunderstood what i meant.

Im not saying that cyber porn or anything else is more interesting than reality, im saying after seeing what goes on online, just laying ontop of my girl and bumping up and down a bit seems REAL boring to me.

We have tried toys and stuff, even watched movies ... changed positions and everything! Nothing seems to spice it up.


What i meant by my post is that all day/night im looking at threesomes and gangbangs and lesbians and other fantasy activities, and now plain sex is boring.


"-Not for everyone. A dick comes attached to a person and for most people, the relationship with the person is more important than the dick. The most important sexual organ is the mind and for her, the thought of 2 men or swinging in general may be repulsive. nuff said, she seems to be clear on this"

You seem to know more about women than i do, and explained this point very well. Thanks.

BTW yes she is very clear about that, i accept it.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by Mariposa_y_Oso
I'd have to say that I agree with you on that one. I think that the majority of these guys post stories similar to this in the hope that someone...at least one person will tell them that it's ok - they are more or less seeking "permission" to do what they want.

Personally, I think I'm just gonna stay away from these posts from now on. I don't think that I can add anything that hasn't been said before (and better and more consisely! ). For the most part, these guys aren't really looking for help, just acceptance for unacceptable behaviour. In the future, maybe it would just be best to post the links to the other threads that have dealt with this subject and let these posts slide their way down the boards into obscurity and not feed the beast with the attention it craves....

Just my opinion...
Cheers!
~Mike

Well you spent enough time telling us how my post is BS, might as well have just contributed a bit eh?

Im not looking for any "ok's" or anything, i really wanted to hear opinions of other people.

If you dont want to share your opinion on my particular situation than i can and will respect that.

Thanks for your time though.

[4sum]

Okay Rich this is a well intended reply.

First of all, I think that your job/hobby of porn is giving you a bit of a skewed perspective on what a normal sexual relationship is. It may also be desensitizing to some degree in that the real thing seems no longer raw, and exciting. Well it's not the real thing in those pics. It's posing for erotic effect.

As a kid, I grew up in a resort community that had several C class stripper bars, and just hanging out at the beach, you got to meet a lot of the dancers. For the most part they weren't oversexed. Some of them had stunningly normal lives, relationships, kids, etc.

I've been with my wife for over 20 years and we've always had a higher than normal sex drive. When we decided to take another couple into our bed, it wasn't because we'd gotten bored with each other physically, spiritually, or otherwise. As oversexed as we are (still), it's a relatively small portion of our lives. And one that we talk about from time to time (our reality checks), and could live without if we had to.

You seem disappointed with your S/O. Or at least at her unwillingness to experiment. But we're only able to get one side of the story here - yours. She may have some very valid reasons for not wanting to go there....maybe even concern for your well being (it isn't out of the question).

There is really no valid excuse for an uncontrolled libido. Just read some of the posts in this particular forum. It seems to manifest itself worst in the male half of relationships where they don't or won't communicate with each other effectively. It's never well recieved by others who have put in the work to face those problems, and gotten past them. How important is it for you to be able to go out and get your freak on? Obviously important enough for you to risk your relationship. Is it worth it at the end of the day? Only you can answer that question.

[LadyandLordAro]

I was in a relationship like yours..with my ex..for 22 years.
I DID NOT CHEAT.

you have some options..like 2 of them.
1. Stay with her. If you do, I advise you to get out of the porn biz, porn everything. Just completely go away from anything that would remind you of what you are missing. Stay away from places like this. It will only remind you of what you really want.
Im pretty sure if you put effort into this..you can live a relatively..key word there..relatively..frustration free life.
BUT..and beware of this..you may come to hate her in the end anyway...and leave anyway..and have all those wasted years behind you. Of course if you arent chasing sex..you should have at least made a lot of money with your time to give her in a fat ass divorce settlement.

other option..leave her now. I advise this. Just say you have to be true to you..becuse if you arent..it will only hurt her. Thats a fact.

People think they can change..or can change someone..butthey really cant. Not their soul anyway. You are what you are..she is what she is..all else is pretend.

Please don't waste you life trying to be something you arent..and dont waste hers by being what she wants..when you arent.

AND..dont cheat dude...as i sit high on this mountain of wisdom surveying the broken bodies that have tried to climb said mount...

the dishonest ones were the first to crash and burn.

I am not going to treat this as something to scoff at. my yahoo msgr is LadyandLordAro

I coulda bashed ya..but i wont..i think you have a valid and all to common dilema.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by 4sum
First of all, I think that your job/hobby of porn is giving you a bit of a skewed perspective on what a normal sexual relationship is. It may also be desensitizing to some degree in that the real thing seems no longer raw, and exciting.

Exactly my thoughts, i think the porn has desensitized me alot. Some good points made, thanks.

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by LadyandLordAro
you may come to hate her in the end anyway...

AHA!!!

This is what im most afraid of!!!!

You see, i really do love her, but i try to ask myself if it is worth sacrificing what i think i really want.

I dont want to lose her, yet i dont want to force her into anything she isnt comfortable with.

It seems i have 2 options in front of me ...

1. break it off and she hates me now
2. stay with her until we split and she hates me then



For what its worth, we even tried the whole yahoo and netmeeting scene (cam2cam)

She wasnt realy into that either. Cant say i really was, but atleast it was a change of pace!


AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I love her so much!! But do i lose myself to keep her?

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Terrileex
Your 20's are a time to go experment and party and have a great time. get it out of your system then 30's or so settle down. If she loves you, really loves you she will still be there then.

Lil2Rich4u2,

Then perhaps you need to take a harder look at what Terrileex offered as advice. Sow those wild oats now, if your love that you have for her and she has for you was meant to be, it will be there when you have both discovered what you really want out of life.

Best wishes,

Lori

[RitchieRitch]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
Lil2Rich4u2,

Then perhaps you need to take a harder look at what Terrileex offered as advice. Sow those wild oats now, if your love that you have for her and she has for you was meant to be, it will be there when you have both discovered what you really want out of life.

Best wishes,

Lori

damnit i wish it were this simple, life would be so much easier!! lol


See, she is 29 now and i am 24 (almost 25) so time is some kind of critical thing with her ... the whole "biological clock".

See she knows what she wants, and its me!!!! lol

I feel bad cause i dunno wtf i want ... damnit im fucking up my life and hers, and a few more posts and ill fuck up your life and anyone else that reads this ... if i go to a shrink im sure to make him misreble too!! Anyone i touch is doomed!!!

[4sum]

Originally posted by lil2rich4u2
damnit i wish it were this simple, life would be so much easier!! lol


See, she is 29 now and i am 24 (almost 25) so time is some kind of critical thing with her ... the whole "biological clock".

See she knows what she wants, and its me!!!! lol

I remember going to a poly site a while back where a gentleman had arrived at the conclusion that almost every situation in life, if you break it down far enough, is simple. But that doesn't mean that it's easy.

Your situation isn't as complicated as you think it is. It just isn't easy.

I can tell you this. Settling down and having some kids won't do a darned thing to allieviate your "need". It won't improve your relationship with this woman. In fact, there are few things that can put stress on a relationship more than having an infant in the house. Except maybe having more than one at a time.

Cheating on her isn't an answer. It's going to make both of you miserable and it'll take you down in the end. Is what she wants what you are...or what she wants you to be?

It seems like you guys are at an impasse. It's simple. She doesn't want what you want. You don't want what she wants. If there's no movement toward a lasting compromise or resolution then...End of game....we have some lovely parting gifts for you! Johnny, tell him what he's won!

[JustAskJulie]

On the issue of being desensitized by working with porn all day, I have to agree and my husband would too.

I've been doing adult websites for the last 5 years. Back when I first started I was also working at an adult bookstore. So for more than 5 years I have been basically surrounded by porn on a regular basis, to the point now where it doesn't turn me on anymore... hell it takes a lot to get me going and what it does take it totally mental (oddly enough good conversation and a good sense of humor outrank pretty much everything else). So chances are that yes your "line of work" is probably causing problems with your relationship and unless you find a girl who is really kinky and can turn you on the way you need to be, it will continue to do so.

You've said it yourself, you can either hurt her now or hurt her later.... which do you think it really the kindest? She is already pushing you for marriage and if that's what she wants and you keep stringing her along she is only going to be that much more hurt when things finally do end. Do what's best for her.

On another note, someone mentioned sowing your wild oats now and if she is in the one, somehow you will end up together. Let me tell you my story (I haven't even posted this in the "how you met your mate" topic yet). I met my hubby when I was 16. He was 24 while I was in another state visiting family. (I was out of HS already and he assumed I was 18 or very close since I had graduated and didn't find out otherwise till a month or so later). We dated for several months and then I moved back home. He came to visit me several times and would have actually followed me back to my homestate to marry me. I was young and knew that there was no way I was ready to settle down. We broke it off and had very little/if any communication over the next couple of years. During that time I was definately "sowing my wild oats". A few years later I got a call late one night. It was his roommate/friend calling from a party they were having (which happened to be his birthday party). We started talking and I really can't remember if I ever talked to Steve that night, but I know I called him back a day or so later. We were talking again and started writing back and forth. Then a few months later I went up north to visit my brother for a weekend. Instead I spent the entire weekend with my ex/soon to be hubby. Two weeks later he came down and moved me back up north. We got married a month later. That was almost 7 years ago.

If I had married him early on we never would have lasted because I would have been cheating on him right and left. I needed something that at the time he couldn't give me. However, now many years later we are together. When I married him it was with the idea that he was the only man I would be with for the rest of my life... as things went that didn't end up being the case... but the point is that I was ready to make that committment TO HIM.