Swinging Singles and Marriage

[OhioCouple]

These questions are for the men who were swinging or had thought of doing so before marriage and those that are still single.

Did you or do you specifically seek to find a mate that is open to the lifestyle? Or do you/did you find the woman that you love regardless of their openess to the lifestyle? Did you give it up completely, try to open their minds to the lifestyle or continue together? If you are still single, would you give it up for the woman of your dreams?

Lori

[TeamSoBe]

I was never a swinger before I met my wife but I had been involved in a lot of deviant group sex, and a lot of situations that taught me to share my partner with others.

I met the woman who is now my wife four years ago, we were just married just over a year ago. When I first met her I discovered that she was not your ordinary girl in terms of her sexual attitudes. We did some really fun experimentation and had a lot of threesomes and moresomes from the very beginning.

I can honestly say that her sexual attitudes are a big part of why I love her. My decision to propose to her was possibly a little easier knowing that we had spent three years together learning how to maintain our experimental sexual attitudes while still being completely committed to each other.

Other guys dread getting married, I looked forward to it and I wasn't nervous at all. Other guys go out and do stupid things at their bachelor parties that they spend entire marriages trying to hide from their wives. We had a combined bachelor/bachelorette party where my wife danced naked for hours and earned $100 in tips. We each had all kinds of fun, and when she passed out I nailed a girl and told her all about it the next morning. All of our friends were jealous of the groom instead of making jokes about his life being over.

Sexual compatibility obviously isn't the only reason why I love her, but it's a big one. For each of us, the term "sexually compatible" means that we are with a partner who gives us the freedom to continue exploring and having a good time from the shelter of an already healthy sexual relationship.

If you are still single, would you give it up for the woman of your dreams?

That's the hardest question of the ones that you asked. No, when I was single I never had much interest in girls with visions of five babies and white picket fences and sex twice a month with the light out. I would never pursue a girl like that and I would certainly never commit to one. I never wanted to be the guy wondering if he made the wrong decision while he's standing there in the middle of the wedding ceremony. Once or twice during the time that we have been together we have gone through periods as long as a couple of months long where one or the other of us just had no sex drive at all. Stress, hormones, illness, various things do that. Now that I'm committed to her those times don't make me love her any less, but if she wasn't a freak in the first place then I never would have noticed her or committed to her.

[OhioMike]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
Did you or do you specifically seek to find a mate that is open to the lifestyle? Or do you/did you find the woman that you love regardless of their openess to the lifestyle? Did you give it up completely, try to open their minds to the lifestyle or continue together? If you are still single, would you give it up for the woman of your dreams?

I did not seek a mate open to the lifestyle...I love my mate because of her not because of the lifestyle...she is not into it, but knows I dabbled...she is not very open to it yet, as she is very very shy sexually. I think that in a few years I will be able to get her interested.

If I was single, I would give it up for the woman of my dreams! Those only come along once! And if they're not into it...well, perhaps they will be someday. For example, my mate would never be bi...I just know it...but I think she might get into soft swing, and if she got into that, who knows...but that's the place to start.

[curious24]

Being single and looking for me I'm not looking for someone in or out of the lifestyle. I'm looking for someone I can share everything with. If the person I end up with doesn't want to share me or share our activites in the bed room that will be perfectly fine with me.

However, I do think that sex is a very important part of a relationship. I mean really.. who wants to be with someone that sucks in bed for the rest of their lives? Not I

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by curious24
Being single and looking for me I'm not looking for someone in or out of the lifestyle. I'm looking for someone I can share everything with. If the person I end up with doesn't want to share me or share our activites in the bed room that will be perfectly fine with me.

However, I do think that sex is a very important part of a relationship. I mean really.. who wants to be with someone that sucks in bed for the rest of their lives? Not I

Curious24,

You have the right mind set. If you haven't already done so, I suggest you read TeamSoBe's opinion on the married cheating male and his interpretation of how life is for himself as a married male and how he got there.

His post says more about marriage than it does about the married cheaters. He relays his outlook for his wife, their relationship and how they came about it.

Lori

[TeamSoBe]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
His post says more about marriage than it does about the married cheaters.

Hmm, didn't think of it that way Lori. We should write a book together.

[dave_susie2001]

My ex-wife and I dabbled in swinging a little bit, but it was always about her. She got to play with other women and other guys, but I wasn’t allowed to touch any other women. That wasn’t the reason for our divorce…it was the cheating and dishonesty and sneaking around that doomed that marriage. Those few experiences that my ex and I had got me wanting more. While I enjoyed watching her with her playmates, I was in fact jealous of her getting all the attention. It was a one way street.

I dated quite a few women for the 2 years after I was single, never getting too serious. Every time the dreaded “L” word came up…I would head for the hills. Then I met Susie. We actually “met” online. We discussed all of life’s issues that we could think of almost daily for 6 months. I told her about the girls I dated, she told me about the guys she dated. We were very explicit in our sexual fantasies and discovered that we were on par with each other. One day in late 1997, she convinced me to drive across the country to actually meet her in person. One of the guys that she knew (as a friend) had a fantasy of hiding in the closet and watching a couple have sex. She wanted to do this for her friend, and asked me to be the guy she would have sex with. I was in the car in 5 minutes and drove 900 miles in 14 hours flat!

To make a long story a little shorter…because we're both just as kinky as the other, we moved in together and got married a year and a half later. One of the reasons that I fell in love with this woman and married her is that she IS the woman of my dreams and sexual fantasies. I’m having my cake and eating it too.

I think a question you should have asked Lori, is this: Would you give up swinging and stay with your wife if she didn’t want to do it anymore? My answer: Yes, in a heartbeat. There would be many questions and I would be disappointed, but like I said, this IS the woman of my dreams.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally posted by dave_susie2001
I think a question you should have asked Lori, is this: Would you give up swinging and stay with your wife if she didn’t want to do it anymore? My answer: Yes, in a heartbeat. There would be many questions and I would be disappointed, but like I said, this IS the woman of my dreams.

I agree, Dave. That's the question that needed to be asked next.

I answer the same. I'm pretty sure that I would end up internalizing my sexuality in a pretty unhealthy way, but if Mrs SoBe decided to end the swinging then I'd rather have her. Now that I've had a taste of what it's like to spend your life with somebody that you're just unconditionally in love with I don't think that I could give it up. Won't happen though, she's more of a deviant than I am.

[curious24]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
Curious24,

You have the right mind set. If you haven't already done so, I suggest you read TeamSoBe's opinion on the married cheating male and his interpretation of how life is for himself as a married male and how he got there.

His post says more about marriage than it does about the married cheaters. He relays his outlook for his wife, their relationship and how they came about it.

Lori

TeamSoBe hit the nail on the head.

Being 25 single and only being with 3 women who were all very traditional in their sexuality (maybe being 21-23 years old had something to do with it?). I just find myself talking to them about what crazy things they have done or would like to do and none of them want anything but guy on top going at it. That to me is good some of the time.. but all of the time? you have to have some verity, you've got to be creative, you've got to be comfortable, and you have to be willing to try new things. I know that if I had a wife I would be with her because of many things. First of all I love her to death, secondly we would be best friends like i've never had, and thirdly we would have a great sex life. The reason i say this is that the older you get your sex drive decreases and eventually dwindles down to where you just can't do it anymore. So what do you have left? your love and friendship.. would you really wnat to be with the person sitting next to them in a home watching tv and hate the person you are sitting next to? but that's not to say that sex isn't very important to me.. but it has to not only be important to me but also to my mate.. and of course when i do finally meet the "one" i'm not going to want to share her right away.. i'm going to want her for myself.. how long that will be i dunno.. i might not ever want to share her.. and she might never want to share me.. honestly, i don't think i've read anything here where a couple in the lifestyle wasn't with their mate for years before they decided to try the lifestyle.. and i may or may not be the same way.. i just don't know right now in my life because i am a single male.. i'll get to that point when i get to it if i ever do..

but some might ask "then why are you wanting to try the lifestyle now?".. i think that's a very valid question.. some might think its because i just want a free fuck or just whatever.. and that's not it at all... there are things (just like everyone) that i think about and fantasize about that i would like to try.. for example a MFM or a FMF i'm truly open to a lot of ideas and new things.. and i'm not in it for just a "free fuck".. the couple i'd like to meet would know that i'm a single male and would like to explore with them.. not just anyone (i think being with just 3 women would show that.. i've had plenty of chances to try things out but IMO those moments and some of the people just weren't the right or right time).. but in this lifestyle it's just too hard for the single guy to meet just the right couple.. i'm just as picky about the couples i meet as most are about the single males they want to meet.. since i'm stereotyped in this manner.. i don't place ads.. i don't search ads.. if it happens great! if not no big deal.. but this all brings me back to why do i want to try the lifestyle now?

i'm sure this might not go over well with some of you but read on cause i'll explain.. it's because i'm single and want to explore my sexuality with people with the same mind set... i've seen some people say that this is not right etc etc.. and that's fine with me that's your opinion etc.. but the way i see it.. is that i am single i want to explore.. when i meet my mate.. i'm not going to continue the lifestyle (and the couple i'm with will know all of this ahead of time i don't want to lead them on).. i'm going to spend time with the person i meet.. just like most everyone else in the lifestyle has done... i'm sure there will come a point where we talk about the crazy things we've done.. and what things we'd like to do.. and that will be the start of the "talk"... and then we will either decide to go for it or not.. i just don't know.. because i'm not at that point in my life yet...

anyway.. i'm not the most excellent writer so there are a lot of things in this post that have holes... ugh... so if you care to respond please don't bash me or anything (not that you would but i've seen a nice post get slammed and flamed before).. i'll respond in a nice manner and put a lot of thought into as well.. because obviously (i hope obviously) i've shown you that i've thought about this a lot because it's not something that ANYONE should just jump into without thinking about it...

thanks!

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by TeamSoBe
Hmm, didn't think of it that way Lori. We should write a book together.

Well, I could certainly give you plenty of stories and since you are the quicker and wittiest of the two of us, you would have to be the writer. I could probably run spell check....

Seriously though your post reflects more so on marriage and committment and the effort that you have to put in it. Yes, it does address some other issues, but the overall picture is what you and your wife have put into making your relationship work. It was an excellent posting.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by TeamSoBe

I answer the same. I'm pretty sure that I would end up internalizing my sexuality in a pretty unhealthy way, but if Mrs SoBe decided to end the swinging then I'd rather have her. Now that I've had a taste of what it's like to spend your life with somebody that you're just unconditionally in love with I don't think that I could give it up. Won't happen though, she's more of a deviant than I am.

I am a little confused here. You wouldn't give it up? Is this a typo or am I not reading it correctly. Based on everything I have read about the two of you, I don't see you as continuing if your wife decided to back out.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Curious24,

There isn't any reason to slam or flame you. And I can't really recall a *nice* post getting flamed unless is was by some fly by nighter. I believe I said it in another posting, but I'll say it again. There are some nice true single guys on this board and you seem to be one that has come out to stand up for those that are.

It is very obvious that you have spent some time reading this board as well as others I am sure as you seem to have yourself viewing swinging for what it really is. You also seem to have the proper mindset for marriage. Who can fault any of that?

The only thing I disagree with somewhat based on my experience is about the lack of sex drive in later years. Will someone please tell my husband that it should have happened? He flat out wears me out sometimes. Or could you have been talking when you reach the real golden years, like 90 or something?

Lori

[TeamSoBe]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
I am a little confused here. You wouldn't give it up?

Spending my life with my wife is what I don't think that I could give up.

It would suck for me if I had to give it up though. Most swingers did a lot of sexual exploration as singles and then got married and swinging is icing. I'm the other kind, I'm the guy that is still exploring. My posts here are all about me trying to get into my wife's head and help her to reach new maturity, but she also does the same thing for me. She's trying to make me more confident by getting me out there with a variety of new women.

Nobody wants to listen to a guy justify why he feels a need to nail as many women as possible and I'm the first to stomp all over cheating husbands that try to rationalize themselves, so I'll just shut up now. Let's just say that I get something developmental out of swinging and I would not be thrilled to have the plug pulled at this point. If I had to make the choice between swinging and my wife, though, it's not even a close call, I'd rather be with my wife and frustrated than be single and slutty any day. I personally prioritize love over sex, that's why I'm so sexually inexperienced.

[OhioCouple]

::::POUNDING HEAD ON DESK::::

TeamSoBe,

I swear I read that at least 10 times before asking you that question. Now it makes perfect sense. UGGGHHHH!!!!!

Sorry about that.

Lori ~

[TeamSoBe]

I am frequently guilty of unnecessarily opaque statements. I apologize, I could use a good editor.