How soon should you tell a potential partner that you swing?

[mrs good times]

A friend of ours that we met in swinging when she was a couple became single a few months ago and continued to swing as a single female. She enjoys swinging as a couple and as a single and would like to continue. The problem is that she recently met a nice man that is not a swinger. She wants to tell him about her lifestyle choice but isn't sure when she should. They have only been on two dates so far but she is really interested in him and wants to be open and honest.

So, how soon should she tell him about her involvement in the lifestyle?

[JustAskJulie]

If she's really interested in him then she needs to be open and honest from the start (IMO). I was just telling someone else this earlier about myself. When I was single and looking I rarely told anyone about my extra-curriculars because I wasn't looking to get serious with any of the guys I went out with. However, if I found one that I was seriously interested in then I felt like it was important that they know early on. In my case it's a little different because swinging is a much BIGGER part of my life than most people and would affect them whether we chose to swing together or not. But, I think it's better to know early on rather than to wait until things do start getting serious. And how can you ever really let things get serious if you are always holding them at arms length for fear of what they might think of you if they find out...

[getnit2gethr]

They are both single so I'd first want to discuss others we are dating and see how that goes. Perhaps she could make him feel comfortable enough to talk about others he is dating. This could be a good way to get a sense for how the subject of swinging might work out. Jumping in with both feet might be a mistake if she is considering staying with him even if he won't swing.

[MrsVan]

I guess it would depend on what type of relationship she is wanting with this person? If it is just someone she is dating and there is nothing serious at this time, then I would say to hold off. However, if things progress and get serious it is time to break the silence as he then has a right to know so that they both can discuss it before someone gets hurt because more feelings may have surfaced that he has for her and that could only cause some hard feelings later because she was not open at the beginning.

MrsVan

[Edison Carter]

Edison here-- I had never played in the Lifestyle until I met Susan. The very first time I asked her out she explained," If you're asking me out to explore a potentially serious relationship you need to understand this aspect of my life: I enjoy sex. And recently, within a framework of friends, I've enjoyed sex with more than one person at one time. I also enjoy sex with a man or a woman. So, if you're okay with that, we can have a nice date." A year later we were married and I still cannot get enough of her.

Being absolute and honest, from the start, really worked for us.

[ohash01]

A friend of mine told me at the bar the other night: Honesty is the best policy - but lying by ommission comes in at close second. I think she should be honest with him as soon as she knows that she'd like to see him more often. Casual dating - no big deal. But if there's even a CHANCE it could get serious...he should know as soon as it's appropriate to tell him. Perhaps she shouldn't just blurt it out (Hence the lying by ommission being the 2nd best policy), but it should probably be brought up.

I told J. very early on when we started dating that I was not the "typical" female...probably within the first 2 months, when we weren't quite serious yet...I don't have a "one partner for life" mentality. I am curious. I am explorative. I don't believe I can live my whole life monogamous sexually...although I believe that I can truly love just one. I didn't know what swinging was - I'd never done it before - but I was already leaning towards it. He surprised me 2 years later by offering me my first opportunity to swing...and I'm so grateful to him

3 years after I told him how I am - we're still together - we're happy - I love him - he loves me.

[JacobSky]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Edison here-- I had never played in the Lifestyle until I met Susan. The very first time I asked her out she explained," If you're asking me out to explore a potentially serious relationship you need to understand this aspect of my life: I enjoy sex. And recently, within a framework of friends, I've enjoyed sex with more than one person at one time. I also enjoy sex with a man or a woman. So, if you're okay with that, we can have a nice date." A year later we were married and I still cannot get enough of her.

Being absolute and honest, from the start, really worked for us.

I am single and would like to be in a loving relationship in the comming years. I have been searching for information about this. I was even questioning whether or not I should include that I'd like to meet a non-monogamous woman in a singles personals ad.

Edison, after searching a bit for information about this, I can see that being honest up front seems to be the way to go. Still, I wonder, how a woman will react hearing this from a man.

[JacobSky]

[quote=ohash01 I think she should be honest with him as soon as she knows that she'd like to see him more often. Casual dating - no big deal. But if there's even a CHANCE it could get serious...he should know as soon as it's appropriate to tell him. Perhaps she shouldn't just blurt it out (Hence the lying by ommission being the 2nd best policy), but it should probably be brought up.
[/QUOTE]

ohash, someone else suggested to me, as you've stated, "once you know that you'd like to get serious " would be the correct timing for mentioning things.

I'm going to have to give that a try I guess.

[Edison Carter]

A lie of omission is still a lie.

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by JacobSky

ohash, someone else suggested to me, as you've stated, "once you know that you'd like to get serious " would be the correct timing for mentioning things.

I'm going to have to give that a try I guess.

I'd also suggest thinking about the other person's feelings - if you aren't so sure YOU want to get serious yet, but you know that the other person has started getting serious - it's time.

Sarah

[Alura]

JacobSky wrote:

I am single and would like to be in a loving relationship in the comming years. I have been searching for information about this. I was even questioning whether or not I should include that I'd like to meet a non-monogamous woman in a singles personals ad.

Edison, after searching a bit for information about this, I can see that being honest up front seems to be the way to go. Still, I wonder, how a woman will react hearing this from a man.

Mrs. Alura and I talked briefly about swinging on our first date and turned down an offer on our second date so we'll jump in on the side of talking about it just before the relationship turns sexual. We both wished we had taken the couple's offer but hadn't talked deeply enough about the subject.

Do they still have match-making services in which, when one joins, they get to make a video about themselves and watch videos made by the opposite sex? That's the way some of our friends met twenty years ago, or so.

A single person could start the tape with a smile and general description of his life. At the end the person could say, "I think understanding each other's sexuality is paramount in a new relationship. If you have trouble communicating about sex, we probably won't match. However, if you're a man/woman who like to be creative and open, without pain or degradation, let's have dinner together and talk about this and many other wonderful things in life."

You probably wouldn't get many replies but the ones you did would be good ones and probably very interesting dinners.

Mr. Alura

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JacobSky

I am single and would like to be in a loving relationship in the comming years. I have been searching for information about this. I was even questioning whether or not I should include that I'd like to meet a non-monogamous woman in a singles personals ad.

Hi Jacob, A discreet and subtle way to express this in the vanilla singles dating ads is to say in the profile that you are "open minded" and "willing to explore new things" - and that you are looking for the same characteristics in a partner.

I used to be in the singles vanilla sites not too long ago, until Mr. Tybee gave me cause to get out of that. (We met on Match.com.) However in our case, we didn't talk at all about swinging until after we were married. We were pretty wild with each other, though!

We know a couple that were both on AFF as two single people, looking for a mate but also looking for any fun that came along the way, too. They're married now and raising a family together - and swinging.

[JacobSky]

Thanks for the advice flykeyscouple, Mr. Alura, and Tybee Swing.

flykeyscouple, you are right, sensing that the other person is getting serious calls for further honesty.

Mr. Alura, I havn't seen any of those video ads around, nevertheless, it is inspiring to know that you and Mrs. Alura were able to talk about swinging early on.

Tybee Swing, I have seen a few ads where women used those phrases about being open-minded. I have wondered if they meant sexually open-minded. I've used the phrase in my swinger ads, and for me it meant that I'm willing to get a bit kinky with a woman and that I'm not easily shocked. I guess that being "open-minded" suggest that a person is willing to consider alternative activities, beliefs, or ways of life. Still, I'm sure spending time and effort in meeting women that are interested in "open-minded" men would increase my chances of meeting a woman that is interested in non-monogamy as oposed to dating all types of women across the board.

[mrs good times]

Update:

One of the things I didn't mention before is that the man she met is also a friend of ours. While it wasn't our idea that they go out we finally introduced them because he asked about her when he found out we were friends. I read her the advice given here so she told him about the lifestyle.

She didn't tell him that we were swingers, at our request, but told him we knew about her lifestyle. Our thinking was that if he felt comfortable enough to go to a club and we were there too, we would be outed but it wouldn't be so bad because we would know he was at least open minded. If he didn't take it well then we perfer he not know about us.

He came to me the next day concerned about "what I had gotten him into". I told him that it was his choice whether or not to date her from the beginning and whether or not he should continue.

They have continued to see each other but I feel like he needs an education. I would like to enlighten him without outing ourselves but I don't know how.

Any suggestions?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by mrs good times

They have continued to see each other but I feel like he needs an education. I would like to enlighten him without outing ourselves but I don't know how.

Any suggestions?

I'd email FAQ's and very basic articles about swinging to your friend, share ideas with her about materials for her to help the man learn more about swinging, without TMI too soon, which could get confusing or overwhelming. In essence, stick with beginner materials that explain the lifestyle in a realistic way. You won't be outed if the information is coming from her to him. That's as it should be anyway, since it's their relationship.

As for him asking "what have you got him into", I'd step out of it now. They're grownups, and they are responsible for their own choices. She's experienced, so she really should talk to him about her experiences and point of view on swinging, it seems. If he's curious enough after she opens up the dialog with the basic sharing of info (non-personal), that's a cue to her that he's ready to hear more about her own perspective. She could take it gradually with him.