The Single Male Theory

[Beachbum_aus]

OK. I'm not sure if this should be in here or the single male section, but it isn't a question about being a single male, rather a theory that couples and singles may like to comment on.

There is much written across the boards about 'timewasters' and in particular single males who fail to show up or turn out to be rude and pushy.

I agree wholeheartedly there is no need for rudeness, pushiness or even males who don't shower (phew...)... however.....

This is my theory for the rest: Males generally have a fantasy of having the threesome or going to a swingers party.... but when it is suddenly about to become reality do you think that males suddenly 'chicken out', 'freak out' or suddenly realise that they'd rather keep it as a fantasy.....

I agree there is no need to not show up, and a polite phone call or email to say that they've reconsidered would be gratefully accepted... but what do people think about the 'keeping it a fantasy' theory?

Looking forward to some replies.

[ciscosv]

MY opinion (the male) is that single guys are looking for some no strings sex. Since I was once single, I KNOW what being a single male is like. We all get horny but the male will usually go to greater lengths to get laid. We are all animals respectively. Nature proves that the male will fight or do the mating dance for the chance to create offspring. Humans get lonely since we are not asexual creatures and the hand can only satisfy for so long.

I may offend some single dudes when I speak on the topic of single males. I've been single before and dont have a problem with speaking at it. Lets face the facts.

I am married now and love every moment with my life partner. Bad and good. My wife and I fantasize about swapping, jumping into a pile of naked bodies and any other pleasurable sexual expierience that gets our juices flowing.

Dating can be a pain in the ass when you are a single male. That is basically the only way to get some action unless you pay a prostitute. I think that the basic idea is that since we say that we are swingers (to anyone in general), we are ready to fuck anyone. This is a big misconception about us as swingers (my wife and I). The church goes an rants about this stuff sometimes. My wife has veto power over me as well as i over her. We dont care if you are rasputin and carry a 9" schlong. If she is not up for something....I respect it.

So the deal is this: What man would not jump at the opportunity of some no strings attached sex? That is a question with a really simple answer. There is no love, no commitment, a wet pussy and totally free!

I know there are exceptions to the rule. But those exceptions always prove the rule.

I cant speak on chickening out. Maybe these folks misrepresented themselves or got in over their head. Taking fantasy from reality can be tough and sometimes is better off just that....a fantasy.

[Flori_DAMAN]

I believe usually it is a case of misrepresentation. Before the internet I believe the no-shows were less common. The internet obviously has the anonymity shield. People can claim to be just bout anything online. If you go into chat rooms just look at how many guys have names like Hunglikeahorse etc.

Many married guys may "test the waters", saying whatever they feel like but when friday night comes around wifey doesn't buy the excuse that he's going to the emergency mechanics certified board meeting.

Some probably do chicken out also. It is genuinely inherent for a lonely person that has insecurities to be wanted. Maybe the guy is single because he doesn't communicate in real life well. But online he can be superstud. Words online never show quivering voices or wandering, nervous eyes. You have time to prepare your response when you are e-mailing.

We have rarely had the no-show problem though because of very careful screening. We don't just buy the guy at face value. Pictures of course are important but also we need a home phone number that can be called at anytime. This in itself eliminates 90% of the married guys posing as single. Cell phones or pagers or work numbers don't cut it.

Several actual phone calls are necessary also. You can judge quite a bit about a person with a real conversation. And for crying out loud shut off your caller ID before you call him! Don't ever give out your home phone number and make sure its unlisted. Even after meeeting a seemingly nice guy you could have a stalker on your hands. On the first meet don't talk about where you work or hang out either. There are truly a lot of nuts out there and I believe some couples take too many chances online.

A web cam is something any real single guy should have if he hopes at all to connect online. THey cost bout 19 dollars so there is no excuse to not have one. Some guys claim they don't even have a pic.....well that should clue you in....

Many have said they just don't use the net for finding single guys and I can see why, but we have had very good luck with it even though we may have met a total of 5 guys or so in 5 years. John.

[BayCouples.com]

I haven't seen a single guy to "chicken out" of an experience with another couple. But me and my wife have met a lot of them who are pushy and rude. So, I don't think your theory is correct...

Alex
http://BayCouples.com

[curious24]

Originally posted by BayCouples.com
I haven't seen a single guy to "chicken out" of an experience with another couple. But me and my wife have met a lot of them who are pushy and rude. So, I don't think your theory is correct...

Alex
http://BayCouples.com

IMO you are meeting the wrong guys then...

[Flori_DAMAN]

Yes, gotta agree with curious here. We have rarely met a pushy guy. It takes us several months to even meet a single after initial contact. If he is pushy it will generally show sometime during that period. Classical signs are too many e-mails, too many personal questions, very long and boorish e-mails, and voice inflection on the phone. Good screening washes them out very effectively.

Of course I am referring to online meetings. Clubs are another story. A good club will not tolerate pushy guys but there are many that just want the $$ and let just about any houndog in as long as long as he has cash. I believe poor club management is one of the biggest problems in the lifestyle. If a newbie comes to a club that has poor policies that may be their last experience for sure.

And as a side note once again lets not forget that couples are just two singles that are together. I have seen enough guys and gals with partners that get pushy also. It is double trouble to get latched onto by a pair of people that you don't care to be with. We stopped attending one club in particular because the host and hostess were like that.

People are people.........John

[curious24]

Originally posted by michigancouple
It takes us several months to even meet a single after initial contact. If he is pushy it will generally show sometime during that period. Classical signs are too many e-mails, too many personal questions, very long and boorish e-mails, and voice inflection on the phone. Good screening washes them out very effectively.

so i have to ask (this maybe a little off topic) what exactly do you look for? cause to me this kind of "filtering" (although i'm sure is necessary) seems like a lot.. and almost seems like you are giving the person the 3rd degree anytime they send a message to you...

i'm probably wrong here (i hope that i'm wrong ) but i'd like to know what is too many e-mails, what kind of personal questions are you talking about, what is considered a "boorish" e-mail, and what kind of voice inflection on the phone are you talking about?

thanks

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by curious24
so i have to ask (this maybe a little off topic) what exactly do you look for? cause to me this kind of "filtering" (although i'm sure is necessary) seems like a lot.. and almost seems like you are giving the person the 3rd degree anytime they send a message to you...

i'm probably wrong here (i hope that i'm wrong ) but i'd like to know what is too many e-mails, what kind of personal questions are you talking about, what is considered a "boorish" e-mail, and what kind of voice inflection on the phone are you talking about?

thanks

I don't think there is a "right and wrong" here. My definition of giving a person the third degree would be to ask them for references, or treat them as if they were somehow inferior to us.

I don't think we do that by any means. We are just slow and very cautious when it comes to dealing with people we don't know.

When we get an e-mail or initiate contact with someone of course there is the usual short term plans that inevitably come up. It can take over a week or two to recieve or send a reply. So right off the bat a month slips by without even talking.

On our first e-mail we explain politely that we will require positive proof that the guy is single, in the form of a home phone number, that we absolutely never get intimate on the first meeting and what our limitations are, not only things like 'no pain, no doggies, no potty games etc.', but also no home or work phone calls, no drugs, and that we are seeking a comfortable relationship of the type we want. As the couple dealing with a single we will on the other hand not divulge our phone number to them except for the cell phone which can be changed quickly in case of a stalker.

The phone calls are important to us. We will call him at preplanned times a couple of times before we talk about a first meeting.

These are just light conversations and we and him are usually nervous on the first couple of phone calls, so we don't go much by those. After we have talked a couple of times if we aren't all relaxed and comfortable with each other then either him or us will generally back out.

Concerning e-mails we have gotten some real winners. The guy that e-mailed us and said "shit or get off the pot". The guy that told us he was going to italy for the summer in one month so if we wanted him we should start making plans. The guys that say they are busy on weekends so week nights would be preferable ( a sure enough hint that he is married).

Boorish e-mails are the type that guys send that go on endlessly about what a great guy we are dealing with. Overselling is the word.

If a guy seems to be filling up the e-mail box that is a sign that he is pushy in itself. I am not suggesting that anyone else be like us. We just go slow and prefer to deal with people that are similar in that respect.

A few times even after meeting a nice guy he will ask us if we'd like to get together that night. This has happened with many couples also. One time is ok, we politely decline and stick to our plan that we made with the very first e-mail. If they ask twice then they struck out.

We definately have had this problem with couples more than singles though.

We don't conciously say two or three months, it just usually works out that way. We are busy people and our weekends are often booked weeks ahead also.

It is contradictory in some respects but at swinging clubs we have indeed hopped in the sack on the first meet, both with singles and couples. Clubs are a safer haven than the dangerous and anonymous internet. The clubs we attend do quite a bit of screening themselves and there are friends nearby in case a problem arises. Our club requires personal information and identity. They of course don't share it with us but after a couple of years we trusted there screening.

We all hear the horror stories of internet meetings and they are real.

When I swingled (I don't remember who came up with the term but I like it 'single swingers'), I always played the numbers. I was in contact with many couples and knew that the odds were very low for an actual contact.

Many couples find that initiating a fantasy is easier than actually going through with it. I believe that is normal and never begrudged anyone for it.

It took over a year of talking about it before we even attended a club so why get impulsive now? A few months certainly flys by as the lack of hair on my head demonstrates so vividly.

The pay off is that we have great encounters and all of us have walked away; sometimes very exhausted, feeling like we did the right thing. The worst case scenario has been doing it the wrong way then regretting it. I certainly did that enough times when I was new to the scene.

Happy Holidays, John.

[curious24]

First of all thanks for the great reply!

On our first e-mail we explain politely that we will require positive proof that the guy is single, in the form of a home phone number, that we absolutely never get intimate on the first meeting and what our limitations are, not only things like 'no pain, no doggies, no potty games etc.', but also no home or work phone calls, no drugs, and that we are seeking a comfortable relationship of the type we want. As the couple dealing with a single we will on the other hand not divulge our phone number to them except for the cell phone which can be changed quickly in case of a stalker.

I can totally understand all of this.. but I too am cautious about meeting people and if some asked me for a home phone number i would tell them i would be more than happy to give them my cell number because you never know it might not be a real couple i'm dealing with.. and like you said changing a cell number is way easier than changing a home number.

with respect to emails.. if a couple contacts me i reply but don't go to deep into anything and once it's sent i don't send other emails at all.. if they decide to reply great! if not no big deal.. but i always like those "no thank you" emails... those are always nice to get

A few times even after meeting a nice guy he will ask us if we'd like to get together that night.

you know this is something that i don't think i would ever ask.. i would wait for the couple to ask me to join them.. for the most part i think if i'm willing enough to meet them a second time that would be some sort of sign to them that i am interested enough in them to move forward.. but i would never press the issue.

It is contradictory in some respects but at swinging clubs we have indeed hopped in the sack on the first meet, both with singles and couples.

i can see how being in a club you would be more in a comfort zone than anywhere else.. but being a single male.. i just tend to stay away from them b/c they either don't allow single males, if they do it cost an arm and a leg to get in, if they don't there are usually (from what i've heard) a TON of single guys there and i'm not there to meet other guys.. so i just stay away...

We all hear the horror stories of internet meetings and they are real.

I've heard my fair share.. but i'd be curious to know the real stats ratio to good experiences vs bad experiences.. and what about all those people trying to make a quick buck and trying to fool us single guys by placing fake ads on the net of women who say they are in their 20's with a hot picture and a free webcam blah blah.. they are easy to spot but these people are getting smarter every day.

When I swingled (I don't remember who came up with the term but I like it 'single swingers'), I always played the numbers. I was in contact with many couples and knew that the odds were very low for an actual contact.

well i don't know many people where i am that are in this lifestyle.. and honestly i can't be to open about it b/c i have a simi public life (not running for office or anything) but still it would have a harmful effect on working environment etc.. that's part of the reason why i'm very picky... but one day i'll move on from the job i'm at and will probably be able to be more open about it etc.

Many couples find that initiating a fantasy is easier than actually going through with it. I believe that is normal and never begrudged anyone for it.

i know this all to well.. i've been coming to this site for almost 4 years now.. and i have yet to have an experience.. but i do have my fantasies

The worst case scenario has been doing it the wrong way then regretting it.

that is exactly what i'm trying to avoid!

Thanks again for the great reply!!

[ATAK]

Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN
On our first e-mail we explain politely that we will require positive proof that the guy is single, in the form of a home phone number, that we absolutely never get intimate on the first meeting and what our limitations are, not only things like 'no pain, no doggies, no potty games etc.', but also no home or work phone calls, no drugs, and that we are seeking a comfortable relationship of the type we want. As the couple dealing with a single we will on the other hand not divulge our phone number to them except for the cell phone which can be changed quickly in case of a stalker.

The phone calls are important to us. We will call him at preplanned times a couple of times before we talk about a first meeting.

First off, let me say I am thoroughly enjoying all this reading! There is some wonderful stuff being discussed here. I definately feel that the above is a good idea for couples to KNOW who they are dealing with.

The guys that say they are busy on weekends so week nights would be preferable ( a sure enough hint that he is married).

I have to disagree with you here based on my own personal situation. I realize that as a general rule, this might apply as a good indicator of status, however I am a professional DJ. I work nights and weekends exclusively. Monday and Tuesday nights are my only nights available to meet people. (Which, BTW, is why I'd like to establish myself as a DJ in a lifestyle oriented club). I am available all during the day when most people are at work, so my situation is a bit specific.

[Jimmy_pop711]

Hi there.

I am a single male. At least I am now. I truly understand your concerns, and to be honest, I have concerns too. I have always wanted to participate with another couple. I have also wanted another to participate when I was married. I am no longer married. And I would never want to be pushy, and completely understand a comfort level. To be honest, I think I would feel a little awkward at first. I have been to nudist camps and watched, but have never swapped. But it has always been a fantasy of mine. I know there are many strange people out there, hell, just stop at any bar and you will find that out. But I know I am normal, I just have a high sexual drive, and am very open minded.
I don't mean that to sound bad, I'm not exactly promiscuois.
And I like to hope there are really others out there like me. I would really like to get to meet and get to know some folks and take it slowly too. After all, it is an odd situation, but I also think it could be quite wonderful with the right people.

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by Jimmy_pop711
Hi there.

I am a single male. At least I am now. I truly understand your concerns, and to be honest, I have concerns too. I have always wanted to participate with another couple. I have also wanted another to participate when I was married. I am no longer married. And I would never want to be pushy, and completely understand a comfort level. To be honest, I think I would feel a little awkward at first. I have been to nudist camps and watched, but have never swapped. But it has always been a fantasy of mine. I know there are many strange people out there, hell, just stop at any bar and you will find that out. But I know I am normal, I just have a high sexual drive, and am very open minded.
I don't mean that to sound bad, I'm not exactly promiscuois.
And I like to hope there are really others out there like me. I would really like to get to meet and get to know some folks and take it slowly too. After all, it is an odd situation, but I also think it could be quite wonderful with the right people.

The one thing that I noticed about your add was a sort of an explanation that you arent promiscous. Swingers also are discerning but love sex. The term promiscous has usually just meant that one will have sex without commitment. If that is the term then most swingers are in fact promiscous.

Is that bad?

I think not. If you fuck everyone that bats an eye at you then you are probably insecure. Now that could be bad, just for the sake of your own psyche. It could mean that you are using sex for an escape mechanism for other hidden problems.

I know many people that have sex with many people. I think they are just highly driven to have sex. Some of us are that way. Personally I have had sex once in the last 5 months. But thats just because I am in a relationship that is in limbo.

If and when my mind says its ok, then I may have sex with several partners per month, week, day whatever. But being promiscous in that sense isn't bad.

Having a high sex drive isn't a bad thing. Many people, especially females hesitate to enjoy swinging becaue of the label of being promiscous.

Now, if you are 18, and screw everything in site then you are probably hurting yourself as well as others.

In the swinging world a couple can be very happy and secure having sex with others weekly, monthly, or every couple of years.

A single guy is the same way really.

As is a single gal.

Don't worry about lowering your moral standards if you just want to enjoy the god given enjoyment of sex.

You say that you hope there are other people out there like you.

That much I can guareentee. Millions of them.

But most won't take the steps to actually get involved.

Unfortunately for the single male you will find that most of the guys out there that are single are out to bang everyone they can.

By the words and cautions in your post you would be a great asset to the lifestyle if you take it slow as you plan to.

Thanks for posting....John.

[Jimmy_pop711]

Hi Again,

Thanks for the very insightful reply. I guess my posting didn't really come out the way I meant it. I didn't mean any offense with the promiscuous comment. I know women are afraid of that label, and I also feel it is unjust. I was married to a woman with a very high sex drive and it was wonderful. I agree, there is nothing wrong with anyone having a high sex drive. Like she always said, what else can you do that is so enjoyable, pleases so many, and is free? I am not looking for a commitment, although I would never count it out either, with the right woman. But when I say a commitment, I mean a commitment to each other, not necessarily monogomous. I am comfortable with my sexuality, and that of others, and always respect others. Thank you for the encouraging and kind words, you sound like the type of people I would like to meet. Nice to know there are some decent, sane, high sex drive folks out there that can relate. I will take it slow and see what happens. But I also look forward to the future and what life has to offer. Good luck to you wherever life takes you.

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by Jimmy_pop711
Hi Again,

Thanks for the very insightful reply. I guess my posting didn't really come out the way I meant it. I didn't mean any offense with the promiscuous comment. I know women are afraid of that label, and I also feel it is unjust. I was married to a woman with a very high sex drive and it was wonderful. I agree, there is nothing wrong with anyone having a high sex drive. Like she always said, what else can you do that is so enjoyable, pleases so many, and is free? I am not looking for a commitment, although I would never count it out either, with the right woman. But when I say a commitment, I mean a commitment to each other, not necessarily monogomous. I am comfortable with my sexuality, and that of others, and always respect others. Thank you for the encouraging and kind words, you sound like the type of people I would like to meet. Nice to know there are some decent, sane, high sex drive folks out there that can relate. I will take it slow and see what happens. But I also look forward to the future and what life has to offer. Good luck to you wherever life takes you.

It is interesting how you use the term commitment. It is kind of like I tell my daughter...most men are totally afraid of commitment. And being a person with a penis I fall into this category.

We all have the same problem...I will commit IF you act like a whore in bed and a first wife in normal public.

Now, I am old enough not to be that shallow so consider this an exageration of terms.

And the females want a commitment the minute they are attracted to you,....I mean, why did you let me keep my toothbrush at your place? And you should let me put MY voice on the answering machine!!

Are you USING me???

It really is a womens world..first we are born by them, then they raise us, then they decide what the terms are.

OH WELL>



LFMAO

SRy...just a point..but ..its true...