Married male wants to swing, but everyone else considers it cheating

12-11-2002, 11:54 PM

I'm a 42 year old, WM, not happy at home, interested in swinging. I'm Bi and very oral. While I'm otherwise committed, she has no interest and is in fact, quite closed minded. I know some consider it cheating, but I don't consider anything that provides mutual pleasure to two adults as cheating. How should I approach this. I want to be with a couple badly, but most consider it cheating... your opinion, please?

OhioCouple · 12-12-2002, 05:28 AM

BillyBob,

You are not going to find a lot of sympathy amongst swingers for your situation. The vast majority will say that you are cheating, plain and simple. No couples that I know of nor from what I have read on line through forums and profiles will help a married man cheat. As a matter of fact they will run away from you as fast as they can and if you had lied about the fact that you are married and they find out, consider yourself banned and branded for at least a 100 mile radius. This is most likely not something they would keep quiet in their circles.

I do question, that if you are not happy at home, then why are you still married? There is no good reason that if either of you are not happy and cannot communicate effectively, why you should still be together. Not the kids, not lack of sex, not illness.

I think you would do well to read through the topic in the Single male forums and you will get a very good insight as to how most couples feel about single vs. cheating.

Lori

**TNT** · 12-12-2002, 09:18 AM

It never ceases to amaze me how many married men want to get into swinging and their wives have no idea what they are up to.

Why would a couple want to get involved with a married man, whose wife has no idea what he is doing? Single men are a dime a dozen and if a couple wants a MFM threesome, all they have to do is basically pick which single man they want.

I guess that most married men (who want to swing without their wife) think that hey, your having sex with other people, whats wrong with me doing the same thing. Well, yes we are having sex with other people who are not our spouse, but we are doing it TOGETHER. Not behind their backs or without their knowledge. We are not cheating.

Like Lori said, I don't know of any couple who would want to waste their time with a married man without his wife.

You have a long row to hoe if this is what you are wanting to do, not to mention an almost impossible one.

Talk to your wife, work on your marriage. That is the most important thing you can do, not trying to get a little on the side.

Teresa

**Alura** · 12-12-2002, 10:11 AM

There may well be a swinging married couple who would be willing to tolerate your cheating. Your best bet to find them is to run an ad saying, "Unhappily married man is willing to cheat with a couple for an MFM experience..." Honesty will get you farther than any other facet of your personality in swinging.

You need to understand that your bi status will further hamper your ability to find a couple willing to overlook your other "challenges."

Honesty will also get you farther in your marriage than anything else. There is no substitute for communication with your wife, no matter how hard it may be to make it happen. If your marriage has passed the "point of no return" for rehabilitation, your best bet is to divorce and seek a woman who will communicate and, therefore, might swing.

Frankly, we wouldn't place a bet on any of your possibilities.

Alura

***JustAskJulie*** · 12-12-2002, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by billybob42
I know some consider it cheating, but I don't consider anything that provides mutual pleasure to two adults as cheating. How should I approach this. I want to be with a couple badly, but most consider it cheating... your opinion, please?

Your theory would hold water if you weren't married, but guess what? You are. And since you are, anything that you do without your wife's knowledge and consent IS CHEATING.

darling · 12-12-2002, 01:24 PM

Besides, even if a couple decide that the cheating factor doesn't bother them (which would be hard in itself), you could still involve them if the wife found out and who would want that mess?

RnKin Fla · 12-12-2002, 03:38 PM

We haven't met any couple yet who is willing to allow a cheating male into their bed. And for good reason.

Our relationship is based on honesty and constant communication. And the reason we like to hang around with other swingers is we have found that they value those things just as highly as we do.

I concur with all the other posters here. You ARE cheating, and it is highly unlikely that you would find a couple willing to get involved with you. You really should talk to your wife, work things out or divorce. (IMHO, of course

)

What you want to do is not fair to your wife, or to you.

Good luck!

Couple42moreTN · 12-30-2002, 12:25 AM

So what you are wanting is to have the trust of a couple enough to invite you into thier bedroom, while you yourself are not trust worthy enough to allow your own wife, the person that you are supposed to share everything with, to know what you are doing.
 
Sounds as though this might be a difficult order to fill as far as the "Swing" community goes, since one of the first things that most of us look for is someone that we trust enough to bring into our homes. Being dishonest with your S/O certainly doesn't promote a warm and fuzzy feeling in this area.
 
I guess that it would be okay if we were all a bunch of "sluts" and willing to have sex with anyone, but it is unfortunate (in your case only) that most of us are looking for things that are going to expand our sexuality, and make us grow as couples.
 
Good luck to you on your quest, I figure you're gonna need it.
 

K&M
 
It's the end of the world as I know it, and I feel fine

ArcaneReference · 12-30-2002, 03:09 PM

QUOTE]Single men are a dime a dozen [/QUOTE]

Where???? Please, I want to find just ONE! <<g>>

Husband and I (as I've said in a couple other posts) are going to our first swing party soon. One of the reasons, nice, single playful women are a dime a dozen, at least in my neighbourhood - honestly - all of our casually experimental threesome experience in the 7 years we've been together has been me, him and a "she". He wants to see me with 2 men, I want to do it -

yikes ... she drifts off into fantsy land again for a minute ....

I am dying for a 3some with 2 men! Please - find me this magical land where single men are a dime a dozen and I'm off to see the Wizard!

Cheers!

OhioCouple · 12-30-2002, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ArcaneReference
QUOTE]... nice, single playful women are a dime a dozen, at least in my neighbourhood...

Holy cow, property values have just sky rocketed for Vancouver! I can see the masses of swinging Americans now searching for a parcel of land!

Arcane,

I am not really sure what the difference is between our countries, but single men here...are a dime a dozen. The key factor though is finding a "TRUE" single male. It has been our experience thus far that a vast majority of single men that claim to be such in addition to claiming to be swingers, are actually married men, looking for a little on the side. The true single males are pretty difficult to find when searching via pay sites or clubs.

I have been told that true single men are pretty easy to find and that to do so is just to look beyond your doorstep. We haven't quite figured this out yet, but we have quit looking via sites and such as it is something we both desire. It is just a matter of finding the right one.

Lori

perryhot · 12-30-2002, 08:59 PM

Hey BillyBob, Don't just go out there and cheat. My husband almost did. Our marriage was in trouble for a while and I didn't even know it. He finally spoke up to me and explained what it was he wanted and needed and much to his SURPRISE I agreed and told him I wanted and needed the same, so I guess what I'm getting at is talk to her she just might surprise you.

curious24 · 12-31-2002, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by ArcaneReference

Quote:

Single men are a dime a dozen

Where???? Please, I want to find just ONE! <<g>>

right here!

doh!

but i'm in texas

ThighMaster · 12-31-2002, 09:54 AM

Of course, this is just my opinion and I could be wrong, but the question of whether or not a person is cheating would be better answered by the participants significant other.

What had worked out for me in a past relationship won't work in my current relationship. My previous relationship was with a wonderful woman and she and I had a very open and understanding relationship. As understanding as she was, she wouldn't have appreciated me going out to enjoy myself with another person without her consent. She always wanted to know who I was going out with and why. But then I wanted to know the same things from her as well. We could have separate liasons as long as we were honest with each other about what was happening.

As things happen sometimes, I'm not with that woman now. She passed away about two years ago. But life goes on and I've found someone else who tolerates my foolishness. But as great as this woman is, she isn't as understanding when it comes to an involvement with another person when she isn't present.

It would seem that the bottom line is whether or not your swinging liasons would jeopardize your relationship. We can try to rationalize it however we want but the best and only honest approach to answering this question is to ask it of your partner. If your partner thinks you are cheating then you are. End of discussion.

ThighMaster · 12-31-2002, 10:18 AM

I do believe what you are saying that many "single men" are really involved with another person, but I do have a question that I couldn't answer either as a couple when I was with my girlfreind or as a single after she passed away.

How do you go about verifying that a person is really representing himself as he truly is? My girlfriend and I thought about seeking another male to join us. It was my opinion that a woman can much more easily satisfy two men rather than having a man attempt to satisfy two women. My girlfriend could be insatiable and I just couldn't keep up with her. (Like most Don Juan's, after Juan, I'm Don. My tongue still works and I'm not intimidated by toys, but you get what I'm driving at.)

As much as we wanted to though, we never did it because we couldn't trust the single male population.

Then when I became single through the death of my girlfriend, I was shunned by the swinging population because I was a "single" man. I wasn't interested so much in the sexual activity as much as I was in the companionship of like minded people.

I don't have any answers to these questions, I'm just wondering what other couples think about it.

Regularguy · 12-31-2002, 07:25 PM

It is rather curious that some people in society are so quick to condemn a guy who is married who wants to experience and provide intense pleasure with/to another person or a couple, yet society at large tends to vociferously condemn couples who have sex with strangers.....

Would the swingers that society condemsn their behavior be as quick to denigrate a married women who seeks a pleasurable experience with another woman, or do only married guys warrant condemnation?

I thought swinging was about intense pleasure and fulfillment, not moral imposition......

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12-11-2002, 11:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
billybob42 Guest Posts: n/a	Married male wants to swing, but everyone else considers it cheating I'm a 42 year old, WM, not happy at home, interested in swinging. I'm Bi and very oral. While I'm otherwise committed, she has no interest and is in fact, quite closed minded. I know some consider it cheating, but I don't consider anything that provides mutual pleasure to two adults as cheating. How should I approach this. I want to be with a couple badly, but most consider it cheating... your opinion, please?
billybob42 Guest Posts: n/a

12-12-2002, 05:28 AM	#2 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	BillyBob, You are not going to find a lot of sympathy amongst swingers for your situation. The vast majority will say that you are cheating, plain and simple. No couples that I know of nor from what I have read on line through forums and profiles will help a married man cheat. As a matter of fact they will run away from you as fast as they can and if you had lied about the fact that you are married and they find out, consider yourself banned and branded for at least a 100 mile radius. This is most likely not something they would keep quiet in their circles. I do question, that if you are not happy at home, then why are you still married? There is no good reason that if either of you are not happy and cannot communicate effectively, why you should still be together. Not the kids, not lack of sex, not illness. I think you would do well to read through the topic in the Single male forums and you will get a very good insight as to how most couples feel about single vs. cheating. Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

12-12-2002, 09:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
TNT Julie's Helper Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 5,003 Location: baker, fl, usa Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:tblonde312	It never ceases to amaze me how many married men want to get into swinging and their wives have no idea what they are up to. Why would a couple want to get involved with a married man, whose wife has no idea what he is doing? Single men are a dime a dozen and if a couple wants a MFM threesome, all they have to do is basically pick which single man they want. I guess that most married men (who want to swing without their wife) think that hey, your having sex with other people, whats wrong with me doing the same thing. Well, yes we are having sex with other people who are not our spouse, but we are doing it TOGETHER. Not behind their backs or without their knowledge. We are not cheating. Like Lori said, I don't know of any couple who would want to waste their time with a married man without his wife. You have a long row to hoe if this is what you are wanting to do, not to mention an almost impossible one. Talk to your wife, work on your marriage. That is the most important thing you can do, not trying to get a little on the side. Teresa
	__________________ Ted and Teresa No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

12-12-2002, 03:38 PM	#7 (permalink)
RnKin Fla Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 201 Location: North Florida Status: Couple	We haven't met any couple yet who is willing to allow a cheating male into their bed. And for good reason. Our relationship is based on honesty and constant communication. And the reason we like to hang around with other swingers is we have found that they value those things just as highly as we do. I concur with all the other posters here. You ARE cheating, and it is highly unlikely that you would find a couple willing to get involved with you. You really should talk to your wife, work things out or divorce. (IMHO, of course ) What you want to do is not fair to your wife, or to you. Good luck!
	__________________ We like to do things a little differently...

12-12-2002, 10:11 AM	#4 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,144 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	There may well be a swinging married couple who would be willing to tolerate your cheating. Your best bet to find them is to run an ad saying, "Unhappily married man is willing to cheat with a couple for an MFM experience..." Honesty will get you farther than any other facet of your personality in swinging. You need to understand that your bi status will further hamper your ability to find a couple willing to overlook your other "challenges." Honesty will also get you farther in your marriage than anything else. There is no substitute for communication with your wife, no matter how hard it may be to make it happen. If your marriage has passed the "point of no return" for rehabilitation, your best bet is to divorce and seek a woman who will communicate and, therefore, might swing. Frankly, we wouldn't place a bet on any of your possibilities. Alura

12-12-2002, 01:24 PM	#6 (permalink)
darling Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 180 Location: Ohio Status: Couple	Besides, even if a couple decide that the cheating factor doesn't bother them (which would be hard in itself), you could still involve them if the wife found out and who would want that mess?

12-30-2002, 12:25 AM	#8 (permalink)
Couple42moreTN Awaiting Email Confirmation Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3 Location: Clarksville, TN Status: Couple	So what you are wanting is to have the trust of a couple enough to invite you into thier bedroom, while you yourself are not trust worthy enough to allow your own wife, the person that you are supposed to share everything with, to know what you are doing. <BR> Sounds as though this might be a difficult order to fill as far as the "Swing" community goes, since one of the first things that most of us look for is someone that we trust enough to bring into our homes. Being dishonest with your S/O certainly doesn't promote a warm and fuzzy feeling in this area. <BR> I guess that it would be okay if we were all a bunch of "sluts" and willing to have sex with anyone, but it is unfortunate (in your case only) that most of us are looking for things that are going to expand our sexuality, and make us grow as couples. <BR> Good luck to you on your quest, I figure you're gonna need it. <BR> <B>K&M <BR> <I>It's the end of the world as I know it, and I feel fine</BR>

12-30-2002, 03:09 PM	#9 (permalink)
ArcaneReference Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 157 Location: British Columbia Status: Couple	QUOTE]Single men are a dime a dozen [/QUOTE] Where???? Please, I want to find just ONE! <<g>> Husband and I (as I've said in a couple other posts) are going to our first swing party soon. One of the reasons, nice, single playful women are a dime a dozen, at least in my neighbourhood - honestly - all of our casually experimental threesome experience in the 7 years we've been together has been me, him and a "she". He wants to see me with 2 men, I want to do it - yikes ... she drifts off into fantsy land again for a minute .... I am dying for a 3some with 2 men! Please - find me this magical land where single men are a dime a dozen and I'm off to see the Wizard! Cheers!

12-30-2002, 08:59 PM	#11 (permalink)
perryhot Registered User Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 2 Location: monroe, michigan Status: couple	Don't do it!!!!!! Hey BillyBob, Don't just go out there and cheat. My husband almost did. Our marriage was in trouble for a while and I didn't even know it. He finally spoke up to me and explained what it was he wanted and needed and much to his SURPRISE I agreed and told him I wanted and needed the same, so I guess what I'm getting at is talk to her she just might surprise you.

12-31-2002, 09:54 AM	#13 (permalink)
ThighMaster Registered Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 3 Location: PA Status: Couple	RE: What to do? Of course, this is just my opinion and I could be wrong, but the question of whether or not a person is cheating would be better answered by the participants significant other. What had worked out for me in a past relationship won't work in my current relationship. My previous relationship was with a wonderful woman and she and I had a very open and understanding relationship. As understanding as she was, she wouldn't have appreciated me going out to enjoy myself with another person without her consent. She always wanted to know who I was going out with and why. But then I wanted to know the same things from her as well. We could have separate liasons as long as we were honest with each other about what was happening. As things happen sometimes, I'm not with that woman now. She passed away about two years ago. But life goes on and I've found someone else who tolerates my foolishness. But as great as this woman is, she isn't as understanding when it comes to an involvement with another person when she isn't present. It would seem that the bottom line is whether or not your swinging liasons would jeopardize your relationship. We can try to rationalize it however we want but the best and only honest approach to answering this question is to ask it of your partner. If your partner thinks you are cheating then you are. End of discussion.

12-31-2002, 10:18 AM	#14 (permalink)
ThighMaster Registered Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 3 Location: PA Status: Couple	To OhioCouple I do believe what you are saying that many "single men" are really involved with another person, but I do have a question that I couldn't answer either as a couple when I was with my girlfreind or as a single after she passed away. How do you go about verifying that a person is really representing himself as he truly is? My girlfriend and I thought about seeking another male to join us. It was my opinion that a woman can much more easily satisfy two men rather than having a man attempt to satisfy two women. My girlfriend could be insatiable and I just couldn't keep up with her. (Like most Don Juan's, after Juan, I'm Don. My tongue still works and I'm not intimidated by toys, but you get what I'm driving at.) As much as we wanted to though, we never did it because we couldn't trust the single male population. Then when I became single through the death of my girlfriend, I was shunned by the swinging population because I was a "single" man. I wasn't interested so much in the sexual activity as much as I was in the companionship of like minded people. I don't have any answers to these questions, I'm just wondering what other couples think about it.

12-31-2002, 07:25 PM	#15 (permalink)
Regularguy Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 102 Location: USA Status: S. Male with girlfriends	Throwing stones in glass houses? It is rather curious that some people in society are so quick to condemn a guy who is married who wants to experience and provide intense pleasure with/to another person or a couple, yet society at large tends to vociferously condemn couples who have sex with strangers..... Would the swingers that society condemsn their behavior be as quick to denigrate a married women who seeks a pleasurable experience with another woman, or do only married guys warrant condemnation? I thought swinging was about intense pleasure and fulfillment, not moral imposition......

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