scared a single might try to steal my man

[marksgirl2]

Honestly, I am scared about this and that's why I prefer we hook up with couples. But my BF likes the idea of conquest - the chase and all - of catching a single girl. Still I worry that her intentions might not be just about sex, but about stealing my man (obviously I am new to this and just struggling with old habits of jealousy). Is there anyway to shut that little voice in my head up? What's the best way to deal with this? Get to know her better myself first? lay down the law with her? or just be quiet and deal while my bf and I build history and trust?

[EvilMJ]

The simple answer is don't do it. If it makes you uncomfortable then stick with couples only. Let him know how you feel about this, ask him how he would feel if you wanted to persue single men, would he be okay with it or would he have reservations.

A common phrase here is "swinging only moves as fast as the slowest partner". Which means you only do what you are both comfortable doing, if for any reason one of you isn't ready for something, or isn't comfortable with something then or stop or you don't do it.

Successful swingers I think you will find take the time to think about the feelings of their partners, their spouce or girlfriend/boyfriend always takes the front seat at all times. Don't fall prey to the newbie mistake of rushing into things too quickly, or doing something you don't want to becuase it makes your partner happy.

Sit down, talk, make some ground rules of what you both will and won't do. Swinging separately is not something I would reccomend for a couple just getting into the lifestyle

Good lukc.

[Dynamar]

As a single, it's couples attitudes like this that rankle me a bit. But, your feelings are your feelings and who am I to try to minimize them or take them away?

However, I will say this... are there females out there in Swingerland who would try to "take your man"... of course! But, guess what? They're out there in Vanilla-land, too... in droves.

Myself, I'm single by choice. One, because at this point in my life it's more fun that way... and two, because I've "been there, done that" as far as being in relationships and I'd just rather not be in one right now. So, if I were on the prowl for a partner, so to speak, why would I go after somebody who's already coupled with someone else? WAAYYYY too much drama and trouble when there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Finally, if your relationship cannot withstand the kind of self-scrutiny that swinging brings... perhaps you should re-think swinging to begin with?

[marksgirl2]

Thanks Dynamar and EvilMJ... again!

Dynamar - you're absolutely right! :: "So, if I were on the prowl for a partner, so to speak, why would I go after somebody who's already coupled with someone else? WAAYYYY too much drama and trouble when there are plenty of fish in the sea." :: That is so true! LOL I wouldn't have bothered when I was single either. I'm such a dork! Thanks for helping me adjust my thinking on that.

EvilMJ - it's like you know just what to say! I can tell you this much: he would be ok with me going for a single guy IF it was at a party/club, but not separately. He wants to go for a single girl separately and privately (not at a party/club), in order to first hook her and then bring me into the picture. I trust him enough to do that because I know it makes him more comfortable to let me play with someone he has already gotten to know and trust. But that is exactly what makes me nervous... that he might screw another girl before I even meet her.

OK I get it (do you see the lightbulb over my head? LOL). I need to lay down the rule about what I'm comfortable with here... which is that he can soft play, privately even, with potentials he wants to bring into our bedroom but not go all the way until I'm in the picture. Does that sound like a good compromise? It feels ok - at least it's not making me freak out to think about it. Of course I'll ask for the same... though I doubt I'll get it when it come to other men (my bf's got his jealousy issues too, but we really do want to work it all out so that we are both comfortable).

I can't wait to have this talk with him... the whole swing thing is really opening up our relationship in amazing ways!!! Would it sound crazy to say that I think I love him even more because of this lifestyle? I'm positively giddy.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by marksgirl2

...my BF likes the idea of conquest - the chase and all - of catching a single girl. Still I worry that her intentions might not be just about sex, but about stealing my man (obviously I am new to this and just struggling with old habits of jealousy).

If I were you, I would be worrying more about HIS intentions than hers. If he's the kind of guy who is as excited by the thrill of the chase as he is the natural outcome, he may not find swinging (where the "outcome" is somewhat assured) all that rewarding anyway.

Is there anyway to shut that little voice in my head up?

Yea, there is...drugs and alcohol being the most common. The question is, "Why would you want to?" That "little voice" you're hearing is usually the voice of reason. It's your "Angel," the voice of God himself, not shouting at you from a pulpit, but whispering into your ear. Listen to it...it's usually right.

As for the "Singles vs. Couples" argument, like Dynamar, I too am single, and very happily so. The chances of me "stealing" anybody's spouse for anything more than a friendly boff are so slim as to be non-existent. That said, however, "accidents" do happen. Quite a bit, in fact...probably more than many swingers would like to admit. While there's no way of eliminating the risk entirely, one good rule for swinging is "not to do this with anybody who has less to lose than you do." If you're going to offer your husband to another woman, it's not only "fair," but ultimately less likely to create problems in the long run if she's offering hers to you as well.

Stand your ground. Building "history and trust" with your husband is admirable, but so is building a set of rules about who you will (and will not) play with that you're both comfortable with.

[marksgirl2]

Thanks for your input JnCC!

Originally Posted by JnCC

If I were you, I would be worrying more about HIS intentions than hers. If he's the kind of guy who is as excited by the thrill of the chase as he is the natural outcome, he may not find swinging (where the "outcome" is somewhat assured) all that rewarding anyway.

Actually, that is exactly why he likes it - he is more sure of a positive outcome in a swing setting. Otherwise he wouldn't take the chance of being shot down. He is way too shy to take a chance with someone who would turn him down flat - at least in a swing situation he has great shot at landing someone.

Originally Posted by JnCC

Yea, there is...drugs and alcohol being the most common.

ROTFL Too true!

While there's no way of eliminating the risk entirely, one good rule for swinging is "not to do this with anybody who has less to lose than you do."

That is a really good rule of thumb! Wish I was married to him (we're getting married next year according to his mother LOL) but, alas, still at girlfriend stage. I do need more assurance from him that his heart is mine even if his body is "clubbing". I just so want him to be happy but also not rush into this too fast without considering all the complex feelings that are popping up in my head the more I think of possible scenarios and outcomes.
Thanks again!

[sereneiders]

marksgirl2,

IMO, it doesn't matter the single gal intentions, now the tons of fancy arcuments we all can pile up to "convince" you there's nothig to worry about.

What cares here is, as JnCC said, your husband intentions, or better say, awareness about what you feel. He shouldn't pursue this goal, nor insist, if he know you're afraid of being hurt. This is what worry me the most, because it seems to me you two aren't in the same page, and swinging without being in the same page (even with other couples) is prone to disaster.

Ultimatelly, the most important here is what YOU FEEL, and by trying to find a way to mute that voice in the back of your head it seems you're somehow convinced that you have "wrong feelings" that you must "correct". It's like putting the charriot before the horses, it may work for just a couple of yards, and that's all. You'd work from what you feel, CONVINCED about your feelings are "the right thing", and find out what leads you to feel this way, then work on those things and ALLOW YOURSELF to feel otherwise, but NOT because this is required to swing.

I'd advice you AGAINST swinging (with singles or couples).

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Okay, had to jump in here and Dito just about everything that has been said. I'll try to make my points organized and hopefully they will make sense. I see a ton of red flags here.

First EvilMJ said it perfectly

"swinging only moves as fast as the slowest partner". Which means you only do what you are both comfortable doing, if for any reason one of you isn't ready for something, or isn't comfortable with something then or stop or you don't do it.

ALWAYS go at the pace of the slower partner which means someone may not get to do everything they are ready to do but if you care about your SO that won't ever really be an issue.

Originally Posted by marksgirl2

I can tell you this much: he would be ok with me going for a single guy IF it was at a party/club, but not separately. He wants to go for a single girl separately and privately (not at a party/club), in order to first hook her and then bring me into the picture. I trust him enough to do that because I know it makes him more comfortable to let me play with someone he has already gotten to know and trust. But that is exactly what makes me nervous... that he might screw another girl before I even meet her.

Second...what is wrong with this picture!!! Let me get this straight...you can't go for a single guy on your own unless he knows him, but he wants to go for a girl on his own that you haven't met.
So, he is controlling! But, you have to "trust" him to meet someone you don't know and after he's F'd her then you you can meet her. That would be a HELL no!! He is also being deceptive to the girl he is "picking up" by not telling her the entire story of your situation.

I think Jncc said it well....I'd worry about his intentions and motives here more than the other woman. She is being dupped just like you.

I need to lay down the rule about what I'm comfortable with here... which is that he can soft play, privately even, with potentials he wants to bring into our bedroom but not go all the way until I'm in the picture. Does that sound like a good compromise? It feels ok - at least it's not making me freak out to think about it. Of course I'll ask for the same... though I doubt I'll get it when it come to other men (my bf's got his jealousy issues too, but we really do want to work it all out so that we are both comfortable).

Okay, third RED FLAG and I am done with my rant. Your going to trust him to go out and pick up a girl not telling her that your swingers (deceiving her) and be alone with her but not have sex and then tell her about you and bring you into the picture for a threesome. That by itself to me is a big problem. And not that I believe that turn about is fair play but then he won't allow you the same scenerio because he's jealous??

There are no compromises...there is trust and genuine care and concern for your SO's comfort level. You two really need to step back and re-evaluate what it is you are in the lifestyle for and whether or not it is good for your relationship to proceed. You shouldn't have to compromise to a lesser comfort level so he can do what he wants!!

Just my two cents worth.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Amanda69]

I agree with a few of these posts...it is not the single females you should be worried about they can't steal what is not available. It is often amazing how in affairs we women tend to look at it like "she" stole our man...well guess what he has a brain (yes it is somewhat limited in this area) and he made the decision to take something beyond casual sex.

Not to burst any security bubbles but I have seen couples split because the other couple they are having sex with, two of the partners decided to get together as a couple instead. (could you understand what I said, it looks so convuluted) So couple one and two and lets say the mr from one and the mrs from the other get together and leave their respective partners. Very messy within the swinging world.

I think this is probably why many try to leave the emotional/relationship stuff out of it and make it just sex....

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Amanda69

I agree with a few of these posts...it is not the single females you should be worried about they can't steal what is not available. It is often amazing how in affairs we women tend to look at it like "she" stole our man...well guess what he has a brain (yes it is somewhat limited in this area) and he made the decision to take something beyond casual sex.

Not to burst any security bubbles but I have seen couples split because the other couple they are having sex with, two of the partners decided to get together as a couple instead. (could you understand what I said, it looks so convuluted) So couple one and two and lets say the mr from one and the mrs from the other get together and leave their respective partners. Very messy within the swinging world.

So far, I agree with you, but...

Originally Posted by Amanda69

I think this is probably why many try to leave the emotional/relationship stuff out of it and make it just sex....

This deserve a second tought. I doubt THIS is a clever motivation to leave the emotional/relastionsuip stuff appart (even when this IS clever when pursuing other goals, like... simplifying our lives), because, as you said "they can't steal what is not available".

The availability doesn't come from being open to the emotional/relationship stuff, but from not being in the same page than your spouse and keeping what you may feel for yourself insthead of sharing it too. When a spouse isn't in the same page than his/her partner, it is because of a fear (if he/she finds out I am doing/feeling/thinking this, then I'd get in troubles, so let's keep doing/feeling/thinking this but behind his/her back). Tere's a lack of communication and, somehow, a risk of a loose should the communication were pursued.

IMO, this isn't a clever motivation to avoid feelings because it may be masking this lack of communication in such a way that we're able to bare with this lack by means of blaming the "emotions" (that thing so vage and diffuse). At least, if this IS the motivation, then it'd require a lot of shared effort to identify when some feeling pops out from the box to some spouse as to be able to press the stop button, and for this to be able to work, both sopuses must be not only in the same page, but in the same paragraph.

As for the OP issue, I believe the main concern is that they're far from being in the same page. For them, setting a "no emotions allowed" rules would be wishfull thinking, because it isn't clear how she would manage to find out if those feelings are being developed by her husband or not.