How do you know if they are actually single?

[two ormore]

We are newbies and went to a club for the first time. We went mostly to observe but ended up meeting a neet guy that invited us to one of the rooms. We declined as we were not positive he was single and we decided if we party with a 3rd he must be single.
How do you tell? Do you just rely on the clubs to do your screening?
Thanks
more newbie questions to follow!

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by two ormore

We are newbies and went to a club for the first time. We went mostly to observe but ended up meeting a neet guy that invited us to one of the rooms. We declined as we were not positive he was single and we decided if we party with a 3rd he must be single.
How do you tell? Do you just rely on the clubs to do your screening?

First you have to understand that most swing clubs do not "screen" their members! At most, they will ask them for a drivers license, which gives NO indication of marital status. Whatever somebody tells the management they are is what they are, as far as the club is concerned.

Most of the clubs in this area are heavily dependent upon single males for their income. So much so, that if they were ever to start checking their true marital status, they'd be out of business in a month.

My advice to you would be to inform potential play-partners that you don't have sex with a new person on the night you meet, and ask them for a last name and home phone number. (Most guys happily provide the same to any woman they meet through a vanilla site prior to sex, and the rules here should be no different) If he can't or won't provide that for you, or tells you he "doesn't have a phone number listed," take a pass, darlin'...he's married, or living with someone. Anybody who can afford $50-$60 to attend a club can damn well afford to have a phone listed in their name.

The same thing with last names. I understand the desire for privacy and discretion, but these people are proposing to have sex with you. If they're that concerned with being "private" and "discrete" let them stay home and download porn.

Some people, it seems, don't care about the marital status of single males at swing clubs. They're just there to borrow a "stunt-dick" for a half-hour or so. Others DO care, and they're the ones who need to take a few extra steps to check out prospective partners.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by two ormore

We are newbies and went to a club for the first time. We went mostly to observe but ended up meeting a neet guy that invited us to one of the rooms. We declined as we were not positive he was single and we decided if we party with a 3rd he must be single.
How do you tell? Do you just rely on the clubs to do your screening?
Thanks
more newbie questions to follow!

Ask them. If there are questions you want to know the answers to the only way you will ever get those answers if you ask the questions.

[absingleman]

The only way to know is to ask. Single guys will usually shake their heads and say something along the lines of "I'm really single, but if its that big of a deal to you then we probably won't have much fun. Here's my number if you change your mind, but I don't come here that often." Cheating husbands will get defensive and start questioning you as to why it matters. Single jerks will stutter and start accusing you of teasing them and saying you are wasting their time and spend the next half hour convincing you that single men are either all cheating husbands or jerks that need to be avoided.

LOL That was a little extreme. Don't take any of it (too) seriously.

Then again, how do I know that the woman I met at the chinese restaraunt earlier today was single and not married and looking for someone to cheat on her husband with? I don't unless I ask and trust my gut feeling when they give me an answer.

[Alura]

It's not a foolproof method, but a lady once told me that if one feels the place where the ring finger meets the hand, there will be a callus that has been built up by a wedding ring that has been removed for the evening.

Mr. Alura

[NumbskullsX2]

I have to disagree with the people who say that if you want to know something about someone, all you have to do is ask. That works only when the truth serves that persons best interest. This might come as a surprise to some, but people lie. The best way to find out if they're telling you the truth is to ask follow-up questions and get corroborative evidence if possible.

For example if a guy says he's single, ask if he lives alone or with somebody. Watch his eyes when he answers, if they avert yours or he's slow to respond, he's probably hiding something. As the previous post suggested, explain that you like to get to know people before you play and ask if he has a home phone at which you can contact him. If he's serious, and truly single, he won't mind sharing it. ("corroborative evidence") Tell him you have kids and a sitter at home and see what his response is. If he offers to take you back to his place, he's probably single. If he suggests going to a hotel, he probably isn't.

It's easy to tell "a" lie, but very difficult to tell a series of lies that all support a basic untruth.

[Thron&Thor]

And while some singles are not true singles, just the lonely half of a frustrated couple maybe...some couples are not always true couples either.

We have experienced a few couples at Menages where the woman was a rental for the night to change his title from "single to couple" and you quickly develop a sense of that from their lack of any intimate communication between them.

You can ask any single guy any question you want in any club, just don't accept the answers without spending some time with him. Our experiences are that most the single guys do their very best to anticiapte the answer you need to hear and some depend upon their dick size to do all the answering.

So what is it you really want to hear? Finding out he is out on his own for the night while his little lady sits at home thinking he is at a late business meeting or are his words exactly what you need to fire up that burning bush to jump his bones even if his name is Smith or Jones, don't call his cell phone during the day and he says he is still a virgin?

Funny no one seems to really bother asking the single women anything except "will you?" and yes is the only answer necessary. Hence,the double standards.

[n2ez]

Originally Posted by Thron&Thor

And while some singles are not true singles, just the lonely half of a frustrated couple maybe...some couples are not always true couples either.

We have experienced a few couples at Menages where the woman was a rental for the night to change his title from "single to couple" and you quickly develop a sense of that from their lack of any intimate communication between them.

You can ask any single guy any question you want in any club, just don't accept the answers without spending some time with him. Our experiences are that most the single guys do their very best to anticiapte the answer you need to hear and some depend upon their dick size to do all the answering.

So what is it you really want to hear? Finding out he is out on his own for the night while his little lady sits at home thinking he is at a late business meeting or are his words exactly what you need to fire up that burning bush to jump his bones even if his name is Smith or Jones, don't call his cell phone during the day and he says he is still a virgin?

Funny no one seems to really bother asking the single women anything except "will you?" and yes is the only answer necessary. Hence,the double standards.

Hey, I was wondering???? do you ask this question of the good looking little girly?
some of you will say yes, but my bet is most will just take her home! the ole double standard.....
yes I am married and play, and the couples I play with want a married guy not a single one...

[iapr]

The only way to know for sure is to hire a private investigator and do a thorough background check. You need to decide if how important it is to you. If you ask if he is single and he says yes is that good enough for you? Or do you require that he hand over his SS # and birth certificate and DL # so you can do a full background and credit check?

If someone is a motivated lier and is skilled at dooping people he will be able to doop you. If he is a cheating player he has been asked a hundred times by people more experienced than you and he has a good cover story and a whole song and dance all rehearsed and ready to go.

In the end that is something that you are going to have to decide for youself and you will have to follow your instincts and let your conscience be your guide.

[two42lovers]

A little piece of advice. Never give your home number to someone you don't know, only give a cell number. You can find out pretty much everything about someone if you have their land line. Previous addresses, schools they attended, age, and on and on... all you have to do type the number into a search field, and presto!

As for knowing a person is single, we simply take their word for it. No interest in doing background checks -lol! If it doesn't pass the "smell test" we decline, but as was already mentioned, if they are good liars there's no way to know. Going to an on-premise club makes it easy for a cheater, I would assume.

On the flip side, if you've only just met at a club, how do you know a couple is married to each other? (There are swing couples who are in fact cheaters, married to different people. We've met a few who've admitted it freely.) It's a little puzzling how some -singles and couples- we've met are completely upfront about their cheating. Have to wonder, if they are lying to their spouses, why tell us the truth?

[NumbskullsX2]

Please forgive me if this seems like a thread hijack, but since your comments address the original question, I would like to comment on them

Originally Posted by two42lovers

A little piece of advice. Never give your home number to someone you don't know, only give a cell number. You can find out pretty much everything about someone if you have their land line. Previous addresses, schools they attended, age, and on and on... all you have to do type the number into a search field, and presto!

Pardon me, but when a single gentleman is asking for permission to screw my wife, I have a right to "know pretty much everything about him" It's true that a lot of information can be learned about a person through their home phone number, but most of it is useless except to check out his propensity to lie. Why do I care where he lived a year ago, or what schools he attended? The answer is, I don't. But if he says he's 28, and it turns out he graduated high school 20 years ago, or he says he's lived in the area for 10 years but there is no residential history, he's lying, and I want to know why.

Another thing about a home phone number is that it makes it easy to check into a person's criminal history. That won't matter to people who don't have one, but if I sense that a person doesn't want me to know who he really is, red flags start to go up. Wouldn't you want to know if a person has been convicted of a serious crime, or had an order of protection issued against them, BEFORE you have sex with them?

Are our rules different for single males than they are for couples? Damn right they are! But if the guy thinks that by asking him for his home phone number, we're "intruding" too far into his personal life, screw him. He can take a hike, and we'll proceed with one of the hundreds of single guys who wouldn't mind sharing that little bit information for a chance to be a part of this lifestyle.

Originally Posted by two42lovers

As for knowing a person is single, we simply take their word for it. No interest in doing background checks -lol! If it doesn't pass the "smell test" we decline, but as was already mentioned, if they are good liars there's no way to know.

Ahhh, the old "smell test" I use it every day. In fact, I've spent most of my adult life trying to separate people who are hiding something from those of us who are not, and what you are saying about liars is true, IF you only ask one question. But nobody who does this for a living or takes this seriously asks only one question. Why do you think police interrogations last for hours? Can you imagine how they would go if they asked only one question?

Detective-"Do you know anything about the robbery of the corner convenience store?"

Suspect-"No"

Detective-"Oh, OK. You can go. Sorry to have bothered you"

It's the "smell test" that compels them to ask follow-up questions, such as "How come your car was in the area at the time of the robbery?" or "Explain how it is that you don't have a job, but we found $800 in cash stuffed in your pocket?" When the bullshit starts to unravel, the truth is the only thing that's left.

I realize that by responding to this topic twice, I'm probably committing overkill or maybe beating a dead horse. However, the question asked was "How do we tell if somebody is lying to us?" All I'm trying to do is share a few "tricks of the trade" that some might find useful in ANY situation.

Originally Posted by two42lovers

On the flip side, if you've only just met at a club, how do you know a couple is married to each other? (There are swing couples who are in fact cheaters, married to different people. We've met a few who've admitted it freely.) It's a little puzzling how some -singles and couples- we've met are completely upfront about their cheating. Have to wonder, if they are lying to their spouses, why tell us the truth?

We've met them too, and to be honest, I think some people simply don't care. Otherwise, they'd be asking the questions I suggested. Your question really cuts both ways.......if other couples don't really care whether they're single, why should they bother to tell the truth?

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by NumbskullsX2

I have to disagree with the people who say that if you want to know something about someone, all you have to do is ask. That works only when the truth serves that persons best interest. This might come as a surprise to some, but people lie. The best way to find out if they're telling you the truth is to ask follow-up questions and get corroborative evidence if possible.

You have a point there. The "just ask" is a bit simplistic of an answer, you have to ask and actually pay attention to not only the answer but the WAY they answer. That's difficult when you are dealing with people online but IRL there is so much more to communication than just the words involved.

Originally Posted by two42lovers

On the flip side, if you've only just met at a club, how do you know a couple is married to each other? (There are swing couples who are in fact cheaters, married to different people. We've met a few who've admitted it freely.) It's a little puzzling how some -singles and couples- we've met are completely upfront about their cheating. Have to wonder, if they are lying to their spouses, why tell us the truth?

Oddly, enough most of the time they are honest about it. We've actually met a couple of couples that just told us outright and then never seemed to understand why we avoided them after that. One couple in particular that we see at the club quite often. They are a very nice couple and we probably never would have asked, nor thought twice had they not come out and told us that his wife thought he was somewhere else. But now that we know, we avoid them. I know this isn't always the case.

There are a lot of quesitons that people seem to want to know the answers to but they never actually ask the question. I've never seen anyone (nor have I done so) ask another couple "so are you married TO each other?" I can't say I've ever asked a single guy that question either when I was actually playing with single guys. There were some situations where I found out after the fact that there was more to their story than they originally stated and depending on the circumstances that information may have led to my having nothing to do with them.

[two42lovers]

Pardon me, but when a single gentleman is asking for permission to screw my wife, I have a right

Yes - you can ask... but people go to clubs to meet people, assess chemistry, and if they feel it play, and they generally don't do background checks beforehand.

There are a lot of available single males, true, but a single guy who knows how to play with couples and is good at it tends to benefit from word of mouth. After time, they usually have all the invitations to play they could want.

[TheMiddleDoor]

as far as club owners and hosts..we can't be peoples conscience. there is only so much we can check out someone before they decide not to come to the party at all..

as doorman, one of my nightmares is the show "cheaters"

there will be knock on the door, I open it, and I'm blinded by lights, a guy with a camera and another guy with a microphone.

"is jane smith here?

"no, she is not" shuts the door

knock, knock

"we know she is here, her husband is outside and wants to talk to her"

"oh, crap"

[sweet_tna]

Short answer: You don't.

Longer answer: Proceed with caution and common sense. Ask them, and watch their reaction closely. Look for a wedding ring or tan line where the ring should be. And most of all, trust your gut.

=)