I need some advice! Single female virgin

[Red]

Hi! I feel like I'm in an interesting situation and could use some advice.

A single male friend of mine recently attented a swingers club party with a couple friend of his. We had discussed it before he went. When he came back, he asked me if I was interested in going with him the next time he went. We wouldn't go as a couple, we aren't romantically or sexually involved, but he said he would help me through the initial stuff.

I have to admit I am a interested from a curiosity standpoint, and little turned on by the idea of it. A lot of the action happens on site at this particular club (it isn't Ace of Hearts).

My dilemma is this. I told my single male friend that I didn't have a lot of experience with guys, which is technically true. I'm 23 now, and most of my life I was overweight and horribly uncomfortable with my body. When I was 21 I decided to really lose the weight, and now I'm much happier. When I was overweight though, I felt so unattractive that I never approached guys. So when I said I didn't have a lot of experience with guys, I meant, practically none. Still a virgin. Now that I have lost the weight, I'm sort of at a loss as to how to go about changing this in a way I'm comfortable with. I know a lot of people say things like save it for someone really special, but I would like to have sex sometime in my life! I'm not a drinker and I don't go to bars, not really looking for a casual hook-up in that context.

That being said, I think it is important to mention that I'm not looking to go to the club to expand my sexual experiences. I wouldn't be adverse to it, but it isn't my primary objective. I suppose my curiosity would be. I know that there is something for everyone, and different situations are right for different people, but I was hoping for a little feedback on how people would feel about someone like me being at a party/club. I'm not into women but since I haven't tried it, I can't immediatly dismiss it as a possibility. I also know that people have differing ideas about virgins, ranging from "no thanks, we'd like someone experienced" to "bring on the virgin flesh!" but I don't know how it would go over in a club/party context.

Any thoughts/recommendations would be appreciated!

[BiloxiCouple]

Go at your own speed whether in a swing situation or in any other situation.

Always be in control of what you are doing. If you don't like it, don't do it. Take your time. Get some information here and there. There are a couple of smart people here who may have some good advice for you.

I know a swing club owner who doesn't drink. Doesn't matter.

Personality is very important to us. Not matter how good looking someone thinks they are, I bet there is somebody tired of their shit.

My wife is not into women, but she isn't scared of them either.

What more can I say?

[oncewere]

By all means, go but let everyone know that you are inexperienced and that you want to move slowly. You aren't saving your virginity for someone else, you are saving it for yourself. You are mature enough that you can wait for a good, memorable, experience the first time, not a quicky in the back seat of a Honda with an inexperienced kid who lasts thirty seconds then brags to all his friends. Be in control, find someone who knows what he's doing and who will take his time to make it good for you. Make friends first then sex when you are really ready. It might take months or just a few minutes but you need to make the decisions. Your male friend can run interference for you and can make things less scary.

[sexyshelby]

I'd say go and have fun. If you are uncomfortable, you can always leave. You don't have to have sex or engage in any sexual acts if you don't want to. I think this would be a good opportunity for you to just go and meet others and be in the experience, whether or not you decide to play.

Most importantly, have fun and be true to yourself.

~SS

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Red

...most of my life I was overweight and horribly uncomfortable with my body. When I was 21 I decided to really lose the weight, and now I'm much happier. When I was overweight though, I felt so unattractive that I never approached guys.
Now that I have lost the weight, I'm sort of at a loss as to how to go about changing this in a way I'm comfortable with.

First off...congratulations on your weight loss, and welcome to the rest of your life.

Now that you have a body that makes you a "contender" in the dating world, I would run...not walk...RUN...away from this as fast as your newly-slimmed legs will take you. The lifestyle, especially swing clubs, are NOT the place to "calibrate your dating apparatus." Your sense of self-worth doesn't come from finding guys who will fuck you, it comes from finding guys who will call you. Swing clubs tend to function much as the "Dollar Stores" of sexual liaisons..."close-outs at greatly reduced prices." They have their place, but it's NOT real life, and it's NOT where you want to be determining what your place in the dating world is going to be.

Originally Posted by Red

I was hoping for a little feedback on how people would feel about someone like me being at a party/club.

The club owners will absolutely love you, since they can't get single women into the club to save their lives. Some of the couples will love you...the women, because they're assuming you're bi-, and the men because they're assuming they can get to you without having to give up their wives to another man. Single guys will love you because, well, it's either you, honey, "Rosie Palm," or one of the aging Queens who trolls the parking lot.

If you do get with a single guy at a club, try to find one who'll remove his ballcap before he starts his version of "foreplay..."

[just1gurl]

Originally Posted by JnCC

First off...congratulations .....

Thanks for your honesty!

Take his word for it sweety. DON'T START HERE!!! RUN LIKE A SON-of-A-Bitch.

Right now your private message box is filling up because you've revealed your young, slim, need sex and what you don't see is what is sending you those messages.... What they want to do is spray semen on you and go. Charming, no?

If your stilll curious, READ A LOT MORE!!!

Find some good experiences in your life. Your early sexual experiences will define you the rest of your life. Make some good choices and don't be beat down by low self-esteem.


While this thing is growing in popularity amongst young people in a big way there are still guys YOUR AGE out there, that will give you their heart and the time of day.

This is where tired, disenchanted, bored, abused-now or formally, discouraged, broken, old folks like myself and pauncy old men that need viagra go.... there are exceptions - but probably very few....

(you don't even want to think about the pervs that log on here and never post, but you'll get their emails)

Best advice from JnCC -- RUN!!!

[DBL D]

Now, Now everyone,

I agree that virginity shouldn't be the issue. I didn't take my wifes virginity and am not sad about that in the least. If she'd told me that she'd lost it at a swingers club though...well like has been said, your early sexual experiences do shape you.

I might suggest that you get an add on a singles site somewhere and be honest in your profile. You'll get hammered on but you are the one in control.
Find out what you like in life before you take a plunge into swinging.

And congrats on losing weight. You were able to control yourself to do that. Use some discretion in this area too.

Good luck.

M.D.

[just1gurl]

No, its not about virginity - never understood that anyway....

its simply about respecting yourself.

To the young lady who posted:

If you are starting out with a low-self esteem its like meat to maggots. It will attract the worst sort of people to you who will use your weakness against you and will make it worse. If you start getting nice compliments and awe come on, its because they want in your pants. Not because they want to know you as a person. There are numerous posts here where the people who participate in the lifestyle will explain that this life is all about THEM. That's cool, we all make choices everyday, they have that right. But do you really want to throw away your most exquisite gift to people who don't give a flying shit about you? Because they don't. As I mentioned before, I'm not even bringing up the perverts, and the dangerous.

There are some really nice people here, I don't mean to flame the older folks, that isn't the reason I respond to this post. Humpty Dumpty here to say -some things about my life, others broke, and some I break myself.

You are of infinite worth in and of yourself, I don't mean pride or arrogance, I just mean YOU are important. You deserve respect and to be treated kindly -patiently and with love.

There is a lot of dancing around the disease issue, but help me here, "its so erotic seeing your wife with another man". Translation: I don't mind exposing her to STD's and potentially cancer to get my rocks off!

You can find someone who will not do this to you.

We live in a sexually saturated culture and it SEEMS like it would be a ton of fun, but as some have apparently quoted others, its a "pandoras box". You can keep reading the posts and get a pretty good idea up front of the emotional cost this is to a lot of people, not just to girls either.

Someone here shared with me a couple of days ago, that, in big ways and small he had lost self respect. This from a guy.

To the folks of the board, I have appreciated your sharing your lives and answering my endless questions, it was invaluable to me. I really want to thank you! Someone asked if I was "with the press", so no, I did ask a lot of questions, but just got an inquiring mind.

And if you really do enjoy your lifestyle don't be be angry if i disagree about issues like this. "No holier than thou" attitude here at all, I could easily divorce my emotions and participate, way easy, but I'm finding after reading that I think its what I'd have to do. I've spent a great portion of my life with a cold hard attitude, but I found I didn't like myself. To put it another way, I'd love to dance, but I cannot afford the orchestra.

I hope all the "open-minded" here... (in reality its more often we like to talk to people who think just like us.) I do not denigrate your choice to live the life you desire. But to portray it without the truth, well....?

I couldn't understand that stupid stanley kubrick film title until now. What the heck does that mean? it became obvious.

I expect to be banned maybe, I don't know. So, thank you, I love you all, really!

just1gurl

aka Humpty Dumpty

aka vanilla with just a touch of habenero!

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

This is where tired, disenchanted, bored, abused-now or formally, discouraged, broken, old folks like myself and pauncy old men that need viagra go.... there are exceptions - but probably very few....

OMG, just1, I certainly HOPE there are exceptions! What club is this, so that I can avoid it??

Red, while just1gurl and JnCC bring up a valid point - sex/losing one's virginity is not the way to find one's sense of self-worth - I have to say that a swinger's club is not the wolves den they make it seem. If I had to compare a "vanilla" bar (AKA a regular old mainstream bar) to a swinger's club, I'd say the patrons at the swinger's club are far better behaved. You just have to deal with the fact that the people there are going to be having sex right there in front of you. If you're not quite ready for that, then don't go to an on-premises club. Ask your friend to scope out some nice off-premises clubs that he might take you to to ease into it a bit more gently. You'll get an orientation from the club hosts to ensure that you understand what the club is all about, and your host(s) will likely go out of their way to make sure your first visit is comfortable and positive. Just stick close to your friend, and ask him to not disappear on you, just for that one night.

I don't think it's a bad idea to go to one at all. It's a really different way to look at sex and one's sexuality. Personally, I feel that learning as soon as possible that love and sex are two distinct entities is a healthy thing. It's a distinction that I'm hoping I can help my kids to understand as they hit puberty, so that they can make logical, rational decisions about sex and avoid being used, manipulated and hurt.

I would suggest that when you do go to an (off-premises) club, to be prepared to be propositioned anyway. People - men and women - will flirt with you. You'll get mixed reactions to the news that you're a virgin, from the dog-at-the-end-of-the-leash reaction to indifference to outright shock and dismay (as in, "What's a sweet girl like you doing HERE??). If it were me, I wouldn't bother divulging it. It's no one else's business what your sexual experience is, unless you plan to actually have sex with them. You're not obligated in any way just by attending a club to do anything other than treat the other club-goers with the same respect you'd want to be treated with.

Check out the singles & swinging forum, as well as the clubs forum and the FAQ's. Those will give you much better background than I have here.

Good luck!

[LOL_OMG]

I have been kicking this around since I read it this morning, because I have mixed feelings.

On one hand, you aren't a little girl and even though you haven't had intercourse you probably have a handle on sex in general...friends, movies, magazines...hell even TV provides alot more sexual content than when I was your age. Going to a swingers club just to see what goes on may actually be beneficial for you in a way of expanding your own sexuality...just in an observing role.

On the other hand, if you are looking to lose your virginity in a place like a club...I wouldn't recommend it. I would think that every woman can remember their first time (unless they were drunk or passed out). To have the memory of getting fucked by someone else's husband something you will hang on to forever is not the way to go IMO.

Mrs LOL

[just1gurl]

Originally Posted by intuition897

OMG, just1, I certainly HOPE there are exceptions! What club is this, so that I can avoid it??

Good luck!

Most of the people I've spoken to on this board are exceptions. It was one of those moments for me again that I've found disturbing. I've tended bar at one point in my life, for marines mind you (animals) and I've tended church. And sometimes I thought to myself, good grief, I've met better people in bars. I had that moment here. Good grief, I've met better people on a swinger board than in church. Not all of them or all of you. But I guess what's disturbing to me is the idea of preying on others. Do what you want to / with yourself. But to utilize the foolishness of the young to get your rocks off, bleech.

Did your avatar used to have white busoms in a blue-ish cast to them? If so, it was one of your posts that helped me to reach a conclusion for myself. That person spoke of "working hard to bury those feelings"

ack. I spent a couple of years married to a man with drug/alcoholism and hid it from everyone. Why? hell if I know. It was hard, but then one day, you drop a can of vegetables in the grocery store and all hell breaks loose. And people think its the vegetables. Buried emotions come out of hell. It just doesn't work, for me, and I doubt for most people. It would be to me, to live a lie.

There are a lot of different reasons people are in the lifestyle, and they are not all healthy. There are as many posts here about working out emotional issues as there are insights into doing a particular act "correctly".

There are women who post here who've made themselves comfortable with this, there are men who post that say they won't, its not necessarily gender specific. But there are obviously also a bunch who are accomodating spouses who won't stop f--king what moves, and that's pretty obvious as well. I doubt swinging particularly solves that either, because the thrill is doing whats wrong, not just the F-ing. But these are just a bunch of random thoughts concerning an issue that effects people - some? most? deeply.

I found it grotesque when old men would hit on me when I was young. It just comes across so predatorial. It still does. I cannot fathom any 23 year old wanting some gross old man. When you get older gross gets more relative!

For someone to speak of such an obvious emotional need and to expose their insecurities, and for others to suggest this atmosphere is a resolution for those issues and not something that will contribute further to a loss of self esteem, hum. Bad.

but I think that category would probably make up ? 1/2 the unicorns?

I'm just trying to make sense of what i've read here....

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by intuition897

If I had to compare a "vanilla" bar (AKA a regular old mainstream bar) to a swinger's club, I'd say the patrons at the swinger's club are far better behaved.

Good God, girl...what kinds of bars are you hangin' out at?

I've been to some rough bars...bars where fights, titty-flashes, wayyy too much Lynrd Skynrd music, even the occasional "drunk-chick-giving-BJ's-in-the-biffy" are almost commonplace. I'm used to finding phone numbers slipped surrepticiously into coat pockets (both mine and hers) after a night on the town. But I've never been in a vanilla bar where a guy came over and started jacking-off on my female-companions clothes, or asked me "so...does your girlfriend like it in the ass?" I've never been to one in which a guy thought it was OK to walk up behind her and grab her tits. And even at the worst bars and the divey-est dives I've ever been to, any guy who muscled his way into a bathroom occupied by a woman would be ceremoniously escorted to the parking lot, most likely "falling down" several times along the way.

PM me with your list of bars where the patrons behave in an atrocious manner, and I'll PM you with my list of swing clubs where the patrons behave even worse...

As for whether a young woman whose never been in a sexual relationship should go to a swing club, it could be argued that where "love," "sex," and "relationships" are concerned, the value systems embraced by many swingers are grotesque distortions of what are found in most societies. This young woman has yet to develop those values, or her sense of self-esteem. Sending her into a swing club to learn about "sex" is like sending a young man into a titty-bar to learn about "women." What she is going to find there is NOT representative of what she's going to find in "real life," and it's certainly NOT a very good model to base her future expectations about relationships, both sexual and otherwise, upon.

I don't think I'm alone in the belief that good sex always has some emotional component. That component may not rise to the level of "love" but for most people it extends well beyond what we feel for a casual friend, for example. It's a subject that people in the lifestyle have been trying to skirt around for 50 years, but which keeps popping up. If we can't always make that distinction, how can she?

[VegasLee]

Red:
You don't have any business looking at swinging at this point in your life. You still have a great deal of life to figure out. You want to go to a swing club but don't want sex. Well, you don't go to the Car lot to buy hot dogs. This is not a game. This is life and you still need to work on yourself and figure out where you are before you can involve others in something so special.

Just1girl:

Less then two months asking questions on the internet and your the expert of all things Lifestyle.

This is where tired, disenchanted, bored, abused-now or formally, discouraged, broken, old folks like myself and pauncy old men that need viagra go.... there are exceptions - but probably very few

How many people in the Lifestyle have you really met? I am not talking about posters on the Internet but people that really are in this lifestyle day in, day out? You are so far off base it is not even funny here. How can you pretend to give this girl advice on something you no nothing about? Yes, you described yourself but that does not mean that most others are like you.

There is a lot of dancing around the disease issue, but help me here, "its so erotic seeing your wife with another man". Translation: I don't mind exposing her to STD's and potentially cancer to get my rocks off!

Guess in all your reading you did not pick up on what people said here about disease at all. There is not dancing around about it. Either you take the risk or you don't. Dig and find the facts. One of them being that the disease level within the lifestyle is less then it is in the so called "normal" public. I personally have been involved in the lifestyle for right at thirty years now, with 100's of people. NEVER caught anything and either has Laura. Your "translation" is very degrading to people that take care of theirself. Before spouting off you might want to get your facts straight.

WOW< JnCC Is all I can say! I like you!!!!

Ya, that should be expected. JnCC tends to be able to find the lowest form of life on earth to compare all of us to. He could not make the lifestyle work with his past and still likes to put most of us in the gutter on a daily basis. With your very limited knowledge of the facts of this lifestyle I can see how you would relate to him.

We seem to have the blind leading the blind here anymore. People that have read about swinging that have no clue trying to tell others now how to live the Lifestyle.

Guess what, this Lifestyle is NOT FOR EVERYONE. Most people in this country and many on this board can not handle the lifestyle. Wake up and understand that. IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. Most will never have a stable enough relationship to even think about being in this Lifestyle. Most of you are looking into this for all the wrong reasons. Trying to fix something that you could not take the time to figure out that you are part of the problem in the first place so you want to find others to fix it for you.

Good luck to most of you because you are going to need it as you keep looking in all the wrong places to have a good life. Look at what you have and make it work because no amount of posting here is going to fix your problems.

[jedi6942]

I have read this thread with interest...and wonder. I cannot say that I share the opinions of most. Niether swinging nor the public norm repulses me. There are a lot of good people ,both on this board and in the swing lifestyl in general, that are fully able to appreciate your situation while keeping your interest at heart. Many, though will only be able to advise you through their own self serving perspectives.

Yeah, I have a bias too. Her is what I think. The lifestyle of sharing yourself sexually with a variety of partners is not wrong, It is also not where you should start your sexual life.

Red, Please, do yourself a huge favor and walk away. Not necessarily forever; but for now. Give yourself the time to build your own world, (confidence, esteem, selfworth, happiness, etc.), before allowing others to play with what is dearest to you. Your mind.

I may well be a romantic; but I fully believe that you should only give your virginity to someone that you have very strong feelings of love for and you feel certain feels the same about you. You can only do it once!

Others will tell you that love and sex are very different things. That the two should not be confused. They are absolutely correct!!

However, if you read the posts, all over this board, you will find that the people who are most satisfied as swingers and happiest in thier relationships are not depending on swinging for thier primary relationships. Most of them are already in serious, rewarding relationships (marriages?) and share that which is most important at home. Not with their swing friends!

Many will disagree, of course. Try to be certain that how you lose your virginity is right for you! It will only happen once and it may define the way you feel about sex, men (partners) and yourself for a very long time.

By the way, your size, weight, age, looks, or sexual activity do not define you. Nor does what others think of you. What defines you will be what YOU think of you.

When you have taken care of yourself, you like yourself (a lot) and you are comfortable in your own skin, whatever that skin looks like, then come perhaps you will be ready to entertain the thought of sharing yourself sexually as recreation.

I'm sure that I must sound like I am against swinging. Definately not true. I just do not believe that it is a very good way to begin.

You are worth what you will demand of yourself. Or as someone else put it, "Any workman is worth whatever wage he is willing to work for as long as someone will pay it." Don't let yourself go too cheap!

[curiousagain]

My two cents:

Red, Swinging has been described as the "double diamond slope of marriage" and I think there's a lot of truth in that. As a single, random, meaningless, and/or group sex is your double diamond slope. You haven't even had skies fitted yet.

You mention your low self esteem. I don't think you ought to frequent any bar, vanilla or swinging, without a good wingman (girlfriend) till you become self aware of your own self worth and what limits you are comfortable with. You don't necessarily have to find the love of your life to lose your virginity, but it should be with someone you know and trust and who will be very very concious of your situation and wants and needs and desires. I don't think you're going to find that the first time you walk into any bar and at this point, with your lack of experience, how would you know? I think your good single male friend would be spending his time better either personally helping you discover and explore your sexuality or finding the appropriate male friend to do it.

Go out and date!! Dating is a piece of cake compared to swinging on so many levels. Get your feet wet there before you dive into the surf of swinging.