married going alone

[curiousagain]

As I have said before. I have had married women tell me they "had permission" from their husband or "he doesn't care, we have an open marriage". I simply ask them if I can call and get permission from him for my comfort. To a one, they are gone as fast as a paycheck.

Anybody that tells me they are cheating and it is OK with their partner or that it's because they aren't "getting any at home", I just tend to not believe them. But, maybe that's just me. I'm a little cynical at this point.

[hilltop]

Originally Posted by bluesplyr

Did I start all this![b]

Your were the fuse . . . .

It's amazing how often this same powder keg goes off around here . . .

[Edison Carter]

The bottom line, this guy is a sexually immature asshole.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JnCC

"Dear, let's not buy anything more out of the Frederick's Catalogue... I'm getting really tired of fucking you."... "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth..."

Well - yeah...

If you have a wife you'd have to say these things too, I guess it would be best to keep your mouth shut...

Fortunately, not a single one of these resonates with me. I guess I just have a good marriage, an incredible woman and every reason in the world to be happy...

Sorry life gave you so many damn lemons...

Spoomonkey

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

not a single one of these resonates with me. I guess I just have a good marriage, an incredible woman and every reason in the world to be happy...

OK, I'm going to be the "Devil's advocate" here. I'm going to ask you the questions that I've been asked...questions that a typical non-swinger would ask, given the chance.

"If you're so happy in your marriage, why do you spend a considerable portion of your free time seeking others? Who are you trying to convince...me, or yourself?"

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Sorry life gave you so many damn lemons...

Why do you assume that "life gave me so many damn lemons?" My kids are healthy, I make a comfortable living doing a job I absolutely love, and my "personal relationships" are functioning at exactly the level of intensity and committment I want them to. I've been in 2 marriages that lasted over 10 years each, and I'm still on good terms (some might even say "too good of terms") with my first and third wives. I'm as happy now as I was during the best years of marriage, which is to say, very happy.

I'm not "bitter." I prefer to think of myself as "skeptical." I have friends that have been married, in some cases, for going on 4 decades, and they seem happier with every passing year. Unfortunately, they're in the minority, but that doesn't diminish their happiness with each other one iota. I'm glad for them.

(BTW, as far as I know, neither of them has ever been compelled to go outside their marriage for sex, mutually-consentual or otherwise. Just thought you'd like to know...)

I'm sure that Mrs Spoomonkey is everything you've described, and more. But don't assume that everybody who isn't married to her, or someone like her, is unhappy.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by JnCC

"If you're so happy in your marriage, why do you spend a considerable portion of your free time seeking others? Who are you trying to convince...me, or yourself?"

Even though you are playing devil's advocate, the fact that you asked this at all indicates that you think this is a valid point (to some degree), does it not?

DO you believe that this is the swinger's underlying motivation, and that we are all just rationalizing that we do it out of love for one another? Do you believe that doing it for anything other than sex is a fairy tale? I really am curious...

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by JnCC

"If you're so happy in your marriage, why do you spend a considerable portion of your free time seeking others? Who are you trying to convince...me, or yourself?"

There is millions of people in the world that are not swingers. Most people can NOT be swingers by the true sense of the word. "Recreational Sex".

Those millions bowl, fish, hunt, play cards, watch movies, camp, hike and hundreds of other things. Hell, I even do some of those.

Recreational Sex is what I do and is my lifestyle. It is NOT for everyone and I would never pretend to think it was. Honestly, there is many on this board that it is not for but they wish to either give it a try or are looking to fix something that is broken by swinging. That NEVER works. I am not the all knowing but after Thirty years of LIVING a certain lifestyle I do have a clue. Seeing 800 to 1000 people a week at a club, speaking and going to conventions has also given me some insight into this Lifestyle.

I don't have to convince anyone about what I do. It is my life and as long as what I am doing is not hurting anyone else then I shall live it the way I have all my life and have a great life because of it. The people that Matter in MY LIFE are happy with me as I am. That is ALL that counts.

What I do is not very everyone and I don't expect anyone else to live the life I do. It works for Us/Me.

Why do people spend 1000's of dollars and 1000's of hours playing Golf when most of them really are not that good at it? Many that play golf also let it get in the way of their families and relationships!

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JnCC

"If you're so happy in your marriage, why do you spend a considerable portion of your free time seeking others? Who are you trying to convince...me, or yourself?"

The short answer is simple - this question reflects a sad understanding of the lifestyle and zero conception of the best it has to offer... Trying to explain why my marriage is the way it is to you would be like trying to explain color to a blind man...

Originally Posted by JnCC

Why do you assume that "life gave me so many damn lemons?"

Easy assumption based on the tone of your "honest" statements. I agree with you 100% - if those are the statements you'd have to make, your in a dysfuntional relationship and lying may be a great idea at that point. Heck, why not? After all, a person who has allowed his marriage to get to the point where their only "honest" opinions are negative and mean-spirited probably lost the plot a long time ago...

Originally Posted by JnCC

I'm not "bitter." I prefer to think of myself as "skeptical."

I prefer to think of myself as blue, but - like you - my true colors are pretty obvious, are they not?

Originally Posted by JnCC

I'm sure that Mrs Spoomonkey is everything you've described, and more. But don't assume that everybody who isn't married to her, or someone like her, is unhappy.

I would never assume that people needed to be married to Mrs Spoo or a woman like her to be happy. In fact, I could point to two marriages on this board (if we knew more people, I'm sure I'd have more examples) that I know personally are every bit as deep and incredible as the one I have. The women are not one bit like Mrs Spoo.

What I DO see in common is many of the same basic philosophies about respect, communication, trust, etc.

I will say, however, that having a woman like Mrs Spoo sure doesn't hurt any

Spoomonkey

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by intuition897

the fact that you asked this at all indicates that you think this is a valid point (to some degree), does it not?

Not necessarily. But I DO think it's a legitimate question. How convincingly you answer it will tell me whether there's a valid point to it or not.

Which, neither you or Spoomonkey have done, BTW...

Originally Posted by intuition897

DO you believe that this is the swinger's underlying motivation, and that we are all just rationalizing that we do it out of love for one another? Do you believe that doing it for anything other than sex is a fairy tale?

I don't know why you do it. I know why I do it, but not why you do it. You say it's "just sex," but don't you have sex with your husband? Isn't it good enough? If it is, then why are you going outside your marriage for more? And if it isn't...why aren't you working harder to improve your own marriage, as you have suggested so many others do?

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I don't have to convince anyone about what I do. It is my life and as long as what I am doing is not hurting anyone else then I shall live it the way I have all my life and have a great life because of it. The people that Matter in MY LIFE are happy with me as I am. That is ALL that counts.

What I do is not very everyone and I don't expect anyone else to live the life I do. It works for Us/Me.

You don't have to defend yourself or the lifestyle to me, although what you are saying does sound a lot like what some cheaters have posted on this board. They don't expect everybody to accept their lifestyle, either.

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

The short answer is simple - this question reflects a sad understanding of the lifestyle and zero conception of the best it has to offer... Trying to explain why my marriage is the way it is to you would be like trying to explain color to a blind man...

If the "answer is simple" then why are you waltzing around it? A blind man may not understand the concept of color, but he certainly knows bullshit when he smells it.

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Easy assumption based on the tone of your "honest" statements. I agree with you 100% - if those are the statements you'd have to make, your in a dysfuntional relationship and lying may be a great idea at that point.

So...if I understand this exchange correctly...you said I was "bitter," I responded to you that I was not, and your response was basically, "Of course you would say that! Only a person who was bitter would say he wasn't"

Where do you come up with this shit?

Be honest now...you've been listening to Monty Python, haven't you?

What I DO see in common is many of the same basic philosophies about respect, communication, trust, etc.

Those qualities are not unique to married people, nor are they absent in divorced people. I see the same qualities in single/divorced people every day.

[bluesplyr]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bottom line, this guy is a sexually immature asshole.
Another engineer who is attempting to impress the forum. I am a civil engineer, with a degree of humility, who can also spell "weight" correctly.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JnCC

If the "answer is simple" then why are you waltzing around it?

I suppose the "blind man" analogy was perfectly apt... So, I'll post it again, "this question reflects a sad understanding of the lifestyle and zero conception of the best it has to offer..."

It is not a valid question. It is the perspective of a man who simply doesn't believe that a marriage can be completely fulfilling AND open to exploring sex TOGETHER.

We swing as an overflow of our very fulfilling sex life. Ironically, this past month, following her surgury, Mrs Spoo and I were unable to have sex the way that we are used to. My appetite for swinging pretty much evaporated. It only exists when we are able to be together. We are partners in crime in the truest sense of the term. I know that is a unique perspective that you obviously wouldn't understand, but believe it or not, it is a reality for some.

I am surprised, honestly, that you do not understand this, after all, it IS hard to argue with your marital expertise. To wit...

Originally Posted by JnCC

I've been in 2 marriages that lasted over 10 years each, and I'm still on good terms (some might even say "too good of terms") with my first and third wives.

Spoomonkey

[Sweet_Candy]

I've went thru two bowls of popcorn and a six pack of beer with this thread. Hold up so I can go get some more supplies from the store.

[Honey_Tampa]

Originally Posted by Sweet_Candy

I've went thru two bowls of popcorn and a six pack of beer with this thread. Hold up so I can go get some more supplies from the store.

Okay ... I wanna party with Sweet Candy .. heh

[swing52001]

Whew!!! I'm with Sweet and Honey. I like hot, buttered btw, but tomorrow's a work day. Does anybody remember the original post?
Oh yea...... contemplating cheating...... let me see...... na, don't do it. Talk to your wife, try the same message with a different delivery, make your lives together so wonderful and fantastic that you don't have time for it. OR, take up golf or long distance swimming.... Seriously, if you love her, keep her and work out your frustrations in another fashion. Like the song says "you can't always get what you want, but if you try real hard...... you get what you need"

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Not necessarily. But I DO think it's a legitimate question. How convincingly you answer it will tell me whether there's a valid point to it or not.

Which, neither you or Spoomonkey have done, BTW...

You're splitting hairs. Pardon me for stating it incorrectly. My question has been answered: you do believe it is a valid question.

And as far as answering it goes, I'm not sure what it is you're waiting to hear. We've spelled it out in more detail than it took for many other people to understand it. I'm sorry that you don't like what we have to say.

Originally Posted by JnCC

I don't know why you do it. I know why I do it, but not why you do it.

I didn't ask what you know; I asked what you think/believe.

Originally Posted by JnCC

You say it's "just sex," but don't you have sex with your husband?

No, I make love to my husband, and sex is the medium through which we express ourselves. I have sex with other partners, but there is no love involved. There's a difference, and if you don't agree that there is, then I'm sorry that you don't understand it.

Originally Posted by JnCC

Isn't it good enough?

Do you read any other posts except the ones that refer to cheating? Frankly, I'm shocked that you still retain this mentality after having been around the lifestyle as long as you have. This is the kind of thing that's covered in the Swinging 101 FAQ's! YES, the sex between us is good enough! Better than good enough!

Originally Posted by JnCC

If it is, then why are you going outside your marriage for more? And if it isn't...why aren't you working harder to improve your own marriage, as you have suggested so many others do?

OMG. Does anyone have a :slapsforehead: smily?
To answer your question (and this is an analogy, just to warn you), I like apple pie any way I can get it - all that gooey appley goodness - but I'm not about to turn down apple pie a la mode. I just put that in another post tonight, actually. You're not supposed to tank up on just the ice cream! Doesn't exactly make for a well balanced meal. We have sex with other people outside of our marriage simply because we can handle it, and it's fun. We don't do it unless it's going to add to our relationship. I read in an advice column that it's the difference between starting from a place of want or a place of bounty. We're starting from a place of bounty.

Originally Posted by JnCC

You don't have to defend yourself or the lifestyle to me, although what you are saying does sound a lot like what some cheaters have posted on this board. They don't expect everybody to accept their lifestyle, either.

Could've fooled me. We don't usually get pissy and defensive when someone starts in on us about how we're living an immoral life. I don't know about other swingers, but I feel sorry for them. These people have NO idea what the hell they're talking about, because they haven't taken the time to open their minds enough, put aside all of their presuppositions and assumptions, and look at the issues we present logically, rationally and objectively. It's not "given it's day in court" so to speak. However, many here can speak authoritatively about cheating because they have experienced in one capacity or another, and have learned something from it. They've seen the situation from both sides. They DO know what they're talking about.

Originally Posted by JnCC

If the "answer is simple" then why are you waltzing around it? A blind man may not understand the concept of color, but he certainly knows bullshit when he smells it.So...if I understand this exchange correctly...you said I was "bitter," I responded to you that I was not, and your response was basically, "Of course you would say that! Only a person who was bitter would say he wasn't"

Where do you come up with this shit?

Be honest now...you've been listening to Monty Python, haven't you?Those qualities are not unique to married people, nor are they absent in divorced people. I see the same qualities in single/divorced people every day.

I must admit that I liked the blind man quip! That was cute.
But...I'm sorry, I just don't understand your logic. Everything Spoo said made perfect sense to me and, my guess is, to most others reading this, too. Which part of it was bullshit, exactly?