What are the first few things that come to your mind when a guy has never had a gf?

[mystic]

First I went to a clinic to get a letter to see a psychiatrist, but he perscribed medication instead and refused to write me a letter. I didn't trust him and he extremely quick - he just didn't listen to me - so I never filled the perscription out. It was for effexor and valium.

So then a little while later I went to go see a psychologist. I went for 20 hours or so and he never helped me. I just thought he was taking my money to be honest and he said several things that didn't allow me to place much confidence in him. I got pretty bummed out about that, so I tried to do things on my own for a bit again.

I went to a second clinical doctor and he just told me I could see a psychiatrist at the crisis center without a letter, as well as talk to a crisis worker. I didn't know about this option until this week. I wasn't sure if it was for me just yet, since I had an okay week so far and I've been trying things, but after today and the advice here, I decided to finally to give it a call.

I work at a slower pace than most people. It takes me awhile to make decisions and formulate my mind. I'm not an "act now" kind of person. I find it really hard to do that.

Anyway, that's what I've done so far.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by mystic

I'm always thinking about what is said here and how I might apply it. If you didn't like my response, that is fine.

That was my point...you're always "thinking" about doing something. STOP FUCKING THINKING!!! Either DO something, or move on to the next broken dream.

I also called the crisis center at my area to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist for some ssri's, because it's about time.

Now that's an example of actually doing something.

You DO plan to keep the appointment, don't you?

I can understand if you don't really get me. You've never lived through it.

Don't be so sure about that. What I do know is that while exercise and SSRI's can be of benefit in treating depression, you'll also need to spend some time with a therapist who has training in that specific area as well.

You sound like a guy who reads a lot. Here's a book for ya - "Undoing Depression" by Richard O'Connor, Ph.D. You can purchase it at Barnes & Noble, or you can take it back to a chair and read it for free. Either way, it, along with the 3 things previously mentioned (exercise, SSRI's, and therapy) can probably help you. But if you don't do something, nobody in here, not all the King's horses nor all the King's men, can help you. Frankly, I don't know why they'd want to.

There...now ya have it. The next time you come in here saying, "I was thinking about doing this-or-that..." I'm gonna say "Good, because I was thinking about giving a shit, until I remembered how many people in this world have serious, life-threatening problems they can't do anything about."

The ball's in your court...

[mystic]

Originally Posted by sweetshyquiet

If you haven't talked to a therapist yet -- ideally one who specializes in social anxiety -- I'd say stop posting here, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, and head directly to a shrink. Your issues are not about where to meet women, but what to do with them once you've met them, and what about your past and your way of thinking is stopping you.

You are right about the meeting women bit. I never said meeting women was a problem... :/ They are everywhere. Starbucks, the mall, on the bus, the web, etc. They will probably be at that toastmasters thing (which actually has a meeting tomorrow at 6:45 that I'm going to attend).

I just want to be able to have successful conversations and interactions with women, and just people in general, and not feel out of place anymore and not have my past and depression get in the way. I just want to feel like I'm enjoying myself, because that's hard. I'll see what the crisis center says. The guy told me that I won't be able to see a psychiatrist until a few weeks, so I'm hoping the toastmasters meeting might help me out in the meantime.

[mystic]

Originally Posted by JnCC

That was my point...you're always "thinking" about doing something. STOP FUCKING THINKING!!! Either DO something, or move on to the next broken dream.

Ouch. Look, I cannot stop thinking. Yes, I can direct the thinking elsewhere (at least try to), but I cannot stop thinking at all. It's an ongoing process that goes on inside my head. It has it's gifts in that when I'm actually working on something, I do a great job at it because I'm several steps ahead of myself and really thinking deep about the problem. It's what allows me to do the few good things I've already done in my life and keep at it. This is how my brain is wired. It's different from you.

That said, I know you're right and I know what you're saying. I often get into mental blocks of uncertainty and if I can't decide right away, I often say "no". It's something I'm trying to work on so I that I say "yes" in awhile.

Originally Posted by JnCC

Now that's an example of actually doing something.

You DO plan to keep the appointment, don't you?

Yes. I made a decision. When I actually decide to do something, I'll do it.

Originally Posted by JnCC

Don't be so sure about that. What I do know is that while exercise and SSRI's can be of benefit in treating depression, you'll also need to spend some time with a therapist who has training in that specific area as well.

I'll ask them to recommend me someone that specifically knows how to deal with these issues then. Thanks. My biggest fear is the wasting time and money and figuring out he/she was a goof ball who didn't know anything. Yes, maybe it was my fault for picking the bad psychologist the last time, but from the 10 or 12 I called in the yellow pages, 3 got back to me, and of those 3, only 1 of them got back to me the same day (the rest of them took an entire week, and by then, I had scheduled an appointment). I got the impression that they were busy, booked or didn't care.

Originally Posted by JnCC

You sound like a guy who reads a lot.

Yep.

Originally Posted by JnCC

Here's a book for ya - "Undoing Depression" by Richard O'Connor, Ph.D. You can purchase it at Barnes & Noble, or you can take it back to a chair and read it for free. Either way, it, along with the 3 things previously mentioned (exercise, SSRI's, and therapy) can probably help you.

Well I got the exercise and healthy eating down. I'm down to 191 pounds when I used to weigh around 215-216 pounds a few months ago.

Originally Posted by JnCC

But if you don't do something, nobody in here, not all the King's horses nor all the King's men, can help you. Frankly, I don't know why they'd want to.

I know. But you do make it sound that I haven't done anything. I compare my life now to 6 months ago and it's a lot different. Sure, the social stuff hasn't worked itself out a whole lot, but I got a lot of other things handled.

I treat myself a lot more and never used to. Like I try new restaurants (like thai or indian food) or buy myself things (clothes, books, whatever). I tried out lube and a sex toy for the first time (I actually really liked the sex store. I was like a boy just so curious at everything since I never been to one before but always wanted to. It took some courage though to work myself up to doing it without feeling bad about it). I'm much more independant. My apartment looks nice and is actually filled with things you'd see in a normal apartment (it used to be practically empty, with no kitchen table, coffee table, television and all kinds of other little things). I go out to see a movie every now and then instead of staying at home. And I go to the mall every now and then just to get out. And I started to try out wines and things because I never used to drink (although a liked a few, I still don't drink a lot - but at least I tried several anyway). I also took a trip to vegas during the holidays for 4 days to see penn & teller, david copperfield and to play poker. It was the second time I ever been on a flight and did it all by myself. It's not much to you, but that's a big improvement for me. A lot of that stuff was never important to me. I mean, I never experienced any of that before.

And believe it or not, but I do run a corporation. That takes a lot of time and energy to make sure it continues to run right and we have a new product that needs to be launched in March while trying get our marketing going. I'm taking off from work because I don't want it to be an excuse why I don't get anything else handled. Because at the end of the day, the company doesn't matter that much to me. Sure, it's nice, but I'd take social skills, a sense of humour and time with friends and women over it anyday. So my life comes first. And people are there to run things while I'm gone anyway.

Thanks for responses.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by mystic

This is how my brain is wired. It's different from you.

Actually, we're all wired differently than each other.

And thank God! If we were all the same- what a boring life we'd lead.

Having worked for a psychiatrist for a number of years, I saw a lot of people overcome tremendous difficulties.

It's amazing what a little medication and altering your style of thinking can do. It's not so much how we're wired, mystic- most of it is learned behavior and habit.

We can reprogram our thinking by working with a good therapist and having the desire to really want to change. Nothing is ever a quick-fix. Change is a lifelong process.

[mystic]

'm feeling fucking amazing after my first time at that toastmasters meeting. Not quite in bliss, but quite great. I made a ton of friends tonight. Yes, I came off as weird to one of the hotter girls, but meh. I found a great place to me and I was invited to go swing dancing by a girl! Yay! She has a boyfriend and stuff though, but meh. She seems like she's a cool girl and will make a nice friend. Her name is L**** and she's 27. She used to be so shy apparantly in university when she got her masters in chemical engineering but now she's doing great. She's been going since november and already a huge improvement.

I met this indian guy named C**** who is 24 and has been going to this thing for 6 years. He's like very funny and extroverted but used to be a computer science geek like myself. Now he dropped computers and went into health care. He's like really cool! And he gave me a ride home and stayed over for a few hours after the beach (a bar).

I stayed at the club for like 2-3 hours and talked with everyone!!!! I met a Rush fan named J***. He's a big rush fan and older guy (probably 45 or 50) but I really liked him. We joked that I was a leaf's fan and he was a red wing's fan. It's funny because we had to clap in the meeting anytime someone said the world "limelight" and we all had to say some story using the word. He actually went before me and mentioned Rush first even those I was planning to since I couldn't think of anything else.

I met a guy named K**** right away (first person I met) and he's like really quiet and shy, like me. He's 27. He's been going since august. He's been trying to get a job after going to college but doesn't do well in interviews and wants to work in sales.

I met a girl named W**** who also sat with me and K****. She's really cute and very extroverted. A great smile. I was actually very attracted to her so I didn't talk to her much (although I did a little and she was pretty good talking to me despite my anxiety). I'll do better next time. I don't think my mission is going to go after her though, although I guess I'll throw in some material here and there to see what happens. At worst, it'll make me interesting and playful. I can make a lot of great friends here.

Over all, I got all these positive emotions going through me. What a change. I'm like on a happy high. I did courage every step of the way today, going up and sharing in 2 talks already. I did the worse out of everybody, but just doing it felt really good. They have all of these programs to develop all kinds of social skills and even have competitions! It seems like something that is really good to work towards.

And I'm going swing dancing this thursday! Woot!

I'm super exhausted. Once the guy left my house I felt a huge sense of relief - I was extroverting for a really long time! But now I feel so peaceful and serene and confident.

[Alura]

That's really good news, Mystic! I'm glad to hear Toastmasters worked out so well for you. Your confidence will keep on building and you'll become the person you want to be.

Have fun at the swing dance! Hopefully, they'll play a lot of Glenn Miller and maybe even Bob Wills! Have fun!

Mr. Alura