Difficulties of being a single male and wanting to swing

[sc8868]

Since I found this wonderful, yet friendly forum, I have not been about to stop reading. It is quite educational, yet entertaining. So, as I am sitting here to burn off the rest few office hours, I like to share some of my thoughts with everyone here, well, for whatever it worth……..

As a single male, the first question from others, especially from lifestyle community, is often associated with “Why he is still single?”. Whether it is a direct question, or a thought in mind of other swinger(s), it immediately puts any single male in a negative territory. I can not answer this question for all the single males in (or want to be in) the lifestyle community, but I like to answer this question openly here to everyone(male, female and couples).

I don’t think that I am choosing to be a single male to the community. For the same reason, I like to be in a good relationship with someone has the same open mind and share the life together. But, in today’s society, openly to seeking a lifetime partner outside the lifestyle community is nearly impossible. Like someone who posted in another topic, as mess majority public seeing “swingers” were “immoral”, “indecency”, and full of “bad influence” to others. But, I don’t think so. As I view the lifestyle is no difference than someone who likes particular sports and incorporates their daily life around it. But unfortunately, you will be very hard to convince others that way. Just imaging, you have a lifetime partner who does not involved with golf game, nor swing community. He(or she) will have no problem to let you have a golf buddy, but will have a HUGE problem if you have a swing partner, why? The public perception!

I had been in a relationship for several years and had great times with a very respectful lady. The lifestyle was the major problem as we continued share our thoughts. Even, I could convince her, there would still be the concerning from her friends and family. At the end, we decided to keep the relationship just as a friend to each other. Because I didn’t think it would be fair to her to stay in a relationship and accept anything that she and her family/friends had tough time to accept. That is why I concluded it will be a bad idea to develop any relationship before you know if other has alike open mind.

I visited many boards and personal web sites. But, most of those places are so commercialized with many Ads only to attract individual looking for so call “no string attached sex”. Not only those did not help our “single males” reputation, but most of those place and posts showing no respect to anyone no matter if you are viewer(s) or writer(s) which further mis-leading the public about lifestyle community. This is the first time that I found a place that is really friendly and open minded individuals who has shown each other their sincerity, and willing to share their true feelings and thoughts.

So, hopefully, like many sincere single males, through out this venture, I will be able to find a lifetime long partner to share the lifetime excitement. More so, I sincerely hope through those posts, many single females with alike open mind will find the true side of many single males (especially those of near by my area )

I apologize in advance if my post exceeded length limitation facelick

[curiousagain]

That is a quandry that all swinging singles find themselves in. Yeah, I really like this girl, but if she's not into swinging, will it work? Well, a marriage that works will with or without swinging. I've dropped some pretty good girlfriends over the years because they were adamantly against the idea of swinging. I personally have decided not to do that anymore. That's a choice everybody has to make. I hope at some point Western Swing comes into this thread because I can't find that link right now but he explained it better than anyone one time.

It's great to have swing partners, and sex with someone new is exciting. Group sex is exciting, etc. etc. etc. But, if you've truly found someone you love wouldn't you give up ONE hobby for them. I've got several hobbies, too many actually, and if I had to give up one for the number one person in my life, it's an effen no brainer here. It's not like they're asking you to give up your children or your pet or you wide screen TV. And, you never know what is down the road. They might decide to swing at some point. And, somebody that swings now might decide to stop. Hell, if we could predict the future wouldn't we all hold winning lottery tickets? I know one couple that the husband tried for 7 years to get his wife to swing before she decided to try it. I know another that it took him about that long and they swung for awhile then she decided she didn't want to do it any more. One rarely knows for sure what the future holds. I think in a relationship you have to be willing to face the future together. I know everybody around here constantly pounds the pulpit of communication, honesty, and trust, but there's a reason for that. If you have those, everything else can be pretty flexible.

The reason I have decided to drop the "willing to swing" checkbox from the list on any future girlfriends is that my checklist has gotten pretty short. It's easier to manage if nothing else. Does she have the same zest for life? Does she enjoy sex? Can we communicate well and trust each other to do as we say we will do and not purposely hurt or use the other one? Is the chemistry there? Do we have fun together? I get those all checked off and the rest of the test is a very liberally graded essay.

[HappyPeople]

Even though I like to swing, I don't have a problem not doing it if my partner isn't into it. I'd give it up in a heartbeat if my honey didn't want to do it anymore - swinging is the icing on the cake, not the cake and I prefer cake.

[sc8868]

Don't give me wrong. I will give up any hobby for true love as every sincere man will do. I am just point out here just becasue a man is "single", that has to be seen as "someone" who no one wants.......

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by sc8868

As a single male, the first question from others, especially from lifestyle community, is often associated with “Why he is still single?”.

Well, you won't hear it from me. I'm single, and I've never been happier in my fucking life. I may ask "why is (a single person) 'looking for somebody to swing with" or "why do some people put up with the shit they do, just to say they 'stayed married' for 'X' years," but I rarely make assessments about a persons character based on whether they're married or not.

I like to be in a good relationship with someone has the same open mind and share the life together. But, in today’s society, openly to seeking a lifetime partner outside the lifestyle community is nearly impossible.

A good relationship will open a person's mind. That's why mild-mannered librarians can become balls-out swingers in the first place...they have the security of a relationship to go back to at the end of the night. It's also why it makes a lot more sense to find a woman you can have a relationship with, and bring her into swinging, than to find one who swings, and try to bring her into the real world of relationships.

As I view the lifestyle is no difference than someone who likes particular sports and incorporates their daily life around it. But unfortunately, you will be very hard to convince others that way.

I think it's much more than that. I believe that for many people, "the lifestyle" defines a system of values and a pattern of behaviors that is as unique as one's identification as "heterosexual" or "homosexual." For them it's not a "choice," it's what they are.

I had been in a relationship for several years and had great times with a very respectful lady. The lifestyle was the major problem as we continued share our thoughts. Even, I could convince her, there would still be the concerning from her friends and family. That is why I concluded it will be a bad idea to develop any relationship before you know if other has alike open mind.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but how are you going from "Hello" to "relationship" with these women without knowing whether or not they "have an open mind?"

[Spoomonkey]

I am tired and I skimmed...

I'll admit it...

But, I was talking to a single guy friend the other day and we were discussing this very thing. My take - as a married swinger is this:

If I were single, I WOULDN'T be looking for a woman who wants to swing - and I wouldn't make it condition to my falling in love. The reason for this is simple (to me, at least).

It takes trust, communication and an almost unnatural intimacy to be a successful couple in swinging. Those things - I think - have to come first. A couple needs to have trust in each other, respect for each other, an intimacy with each other - that simply finding a "swing partner" is unlikely to include.

I am sure many marriages have started - and grown very deep - when swinging was the priority. But, I think the odds favor a marriage where the priorities are in the right order.

Mrs Spoomonkey wasn't looking to swing when we fell in love. Neither was I. It was something that grew out of "US". Our relationship made it possible.

And to be honest - I could not be happier married to anyone else. I'd gladly give up swinging for Mrs Spoo. I wouldn't trade her for a swinging model. Monogamy with her would be far better than swinging with anyone else.



Spoomonkey

[JnCC]

For once, something with which I agree...

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

...unnatural intimacy...Spoomonkey

I love that thought.

Male D

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by HappyPeople

Swinging is the icing on the cake, not the cake and I prefer cake.

Good one, I like it!

I agree witn JnCC, and definatelly with Spoomonkey (of course, talking about Mrs. Sereneiders and not Mrs. Spoomonkey )

I've known a couple who meet after and because they both were swingers, and they did it good for several years (now they broke, but I believe this hasn't to do with being swingers), but this is an exception, and of course, anyone can pursuit this ideal, but I wouldn't put money on this approach.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

(of course, talking about Mrs. Sereneiders and not Mrs. Spoomonkey )

That's good, since we only have a queen size bed

Of course - we have been able to get four people on it... We'll prove it to you if you're ever north of the equator

Spoomonkey

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

That's good, since we only have a queen size bed

Of course - we have been able to get four people on it... We'll prove it to you if you're ever north of the equator

Spoomonkey

We'll, south of the equator four people fits on a queen size bed, too... and a cat!

sereneiders

PS: Just in case you got turned on by the idea, the cat DOES NOT participate... well... except for bitting the participants toes from time to time.