Question from Newbie Single Male

[sc8868]

Please accept my appology if this has been asked before.

I am new to the lifestyle and preparing for my very first club visit next week. Being a middle age single male, what are thing and "unwritten rules" that I need to be aware of? What kind of situation or "invitation" to look for? As a first time, should I be more just "waiting" or "active"?

I know that I have loaded questions. Any expert advises are greatly appreciated.

[txduo2000]

Welcome to the board. You will find the answers to your questions and even more.

My suggestion for your current question is that you first visit the "Rules for Single Men" here on the board. There is a wealth of information that will prove invaluable to you in your single male swinging endeavors.

[sc8868]

Thanks, txduo2000.

[txduo2000]

Also let me encourage you to visit and thorougly explore our "Singles and Swinging" forum as well.

With regard to couples, the thing to remember utmost is to treat the couple with RESPECT. Do not ignore the husband in favor of the wife, realize that you can't give her anything that he doesn't already give her, respect their relationship and your privileged place in it.

[TNT]

Since this is your first visit to a club, make sure you check with the host/hostess to see what the rules are for single men. Some clubs only allow single men to stay at the bar area, until invited to a table by a couple. Some clubs allow the single men to roam freely.

The main thing to remember is be a gentleman. Basically, you're going to be doing the waiting game. Some couples won't mind you approaching them, others will.

There is nothing wrong with saying hello to someone but, don't make yourself a nuisance to anyone.

Also, go with no expectations...just because your at a swinger's club does not mean you will get an invite or that you're entitled to anything.

Sit back, relax and observe...you can learn a lot by just watching.


Teresa

[sc8868]

Thanks so very much for all the encouragement and advises. I am sure that will be a great learning experience for me. I will certainly share my first visit experience with everyone here as well.

[Thrax]

The above posts have great information. I highly recommend exploring a lot of forums and threads on this board to familiarize yourself with the landscape.

Here are few tips for your first club visit:
* First, treat your visit to the club as if you were attending a non-swinging (vanilla) party, or as if you have a blind date. You are a single male, you don't know anyone, and you want to make a good impression and have a good time. Do your pre-party "manscaping" (shave or neatly trim facial hair, get rid of the stray nose and ear hairs, trim the finger and toe nails [and no dirt under the nails], shower or bathe to an acceptable level, etc.). Women place GREAT store in these details. Believe me! Dress reasonably well: a nice shirt, nice slacks, nice (polished if they're leather) shoes, etc. It's better to be a little overdressed than underdressed if you want to impress. Don't overdo the cologne or the jewelry.
* The owner(s) or someone else affiliated with the club will usually lay down the law for the single male and give you a tour of the club. If you have questions, ask. Before you start the tour, ask your guide if he or she will introduce you to anyone you may encounter during the tour. The guides often do, but if he or she doesn't, and they have a brief conversation with someone while you tour, wait 'til it's done and then introduce yourself and tell them your name and that so-and-so is giving you the tour because it's your first time there. Introduce yourself to both males and females. You never know when you might be shaking the hand of a guy who could point you out to his wife or girlfriend later on.
* Be aware that as a single male that many couples and single females at the club will be at least wary of you. Be charming and disarming. A small group of couples and SFs will be downright nasty, no matter how nice you are, just like in real life. Most often they won't want anything to do with you and will let you know it. Let them stew in their own juices. There are nicer folks out there.
* If you don't know anyone at the club, probably the best place to park yourself initially IS at the bar. But don't just sit there. Engage the person (male or female) on either side of you, or the bartender (if he or she can spare the time) in conversation. Tell them you're a newbie and have one or two basic questions to ask to get the conversational ball rolling. Just like vanilla bars, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Go with the flow.
* If there is dancing, consider dancing. No matter how bad a guy dances, women very often prefer to dance with a guy (as long as you don't injure her with your size 13s) rather than dancing in an all-girl circle (Okay, this is the swinging world, so there might be a large minority of women who really want to dance with other women). A guy dancing shows some guts; some guys are afraid of looking "silly," but if you are looking silly for her, it might pay off. If you are getting along with some single women or couples at the bar, you might want to ask one of those women to dance. If you see a gaggle of women in an area -- especially near the dance floor -- watching the goings-on, try to get up the nerve to introduce yourself there and ask if anyone wants to dance. Yeah, just like high school.
* If you engage in conversation with a couple, engage in conversation with BOTH of them. If you end up playing with a couple, or with a wife/gf, it will be because BOTH of them think you're okay.
* When engaging in first conversations with ANY woman at the club, act as if it's a vanilla encounter. DON'T stare at her boobs, ass, etc. Compliment her outfit, hair, etc., without drooling. DON'T touch her first. You'll know she's at least interested in considering your company if she touches your arm, laughs a little too hard at your jokes, looks directly into your eyes, etc. Just like the vanilla world. If she invites you to dance, hit the hot tub, etc., then you've probably got it made.
* If nothing is working at the bar, be careful about how you conduct yourself in other parts of the club. Standing near the dance floor is usually okay (I'm talking about those clubs that allow you to roam most of the premises). If there is a hot tub, sitting in the hot tub alone and watching the other folks usually creeps people out. If you're just going to sit and stare and hope, then forget it. If there is a big shower area, use discretion. If there is a group room, watching for a short time is usually okay. Sometimes I've been invited and most times not. Conversation with other group-room bystanders is usually okay. Whacking off while watching the action will probably subject you to ridicule (most often behind your back but sometimes to your face. Luckily, since I don't beat off in the group room, this has not, to my knowledge, happened to me). Don't play in the group room 1) unless you are invited, or 2) you ask and get permission. As a first-timer, I'd be VERY careful here.
* If a couple (or the rare SF) decides they are interested in you, just be upfront and tell them you are new to swinging and that THEY should take the lead. Believe me, experienced swingers will know your worries -- they were newbies once too -- and how to deal with them (actually, there are a few people out there that delight in breaking in newbies; wish there were more of them around. I'd be the perpetual n00b!). If they are interested in you, they'll want to make sure everyone is comfortable with the situation and has a good time.
* No means No. (It can be disappointing, or even devastating to your self-esteem, but those are the rules. No whining.) Just move on.
* ALWAYS carry a few condoms with you. DO NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE WITHOUT WEARING A CONDOM. Well, I warned you, but that's up to you and whomever you might play with. Oral sex is a gray area, but most people -- by my experience in the lifestyle at least -- don't use condoms or dental dams for oral. Make sure you know what's going on with that and be prepared...
* Finally, respect yourself, and RESPECT EVERYONE YOU MEET AT THE CLUB. Actually, this is true for real life, but sometimes in our quest for the ultimate orgasm, that can fall to the wayside.

I know there are probably many things I failed to address here, but if you go to the club with an open mind, no expectations, and full respect of the people you will encounter, you should be okay. You might even get lucky (I did -- twice -- the first time I went to a club).

Best of luck!
Thrax

[twoferfun69]

First off Welcome sc8868! much advice to be had here.
Spoomonkey said it best on another thread; he talked about putting yourself at the masters feet, to learn here. I think we found our single guy master!! to Thrax
Wow, Thrax! That has to be one of THE most comprehensive and spot on posts RE single males that I have seen on here to date.
Just had to give you props!! I think you pretty much covered it all

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by twoferfun69

I think we found our single guy master!! to Thrax. Wow, Thrax! That has to be one of THE most comprehensive and spot on posts RE single males that I have seen on here to date.
Just had to give you props!! I think you pretty much covered it all

No, thank YOU! Actually, I found the opening and had to post before CuriousAgain or EternallySingle got their messages in. Those two always seem to hog the good single male responses!

Actually, thanks for the props. As a single male I've been through a lot, and if there is an honest guy who wants to get involved in the lifestyle, I'm happy to help out...as long as he isn't sitting next to me at the bar.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by sc8868

Being a middle age single male, what are thing and "unwritten rules" that I need to be aware of? What kind of situation or "invitation" to look for?

Welcome to the board. As you may have noticed, there are 18 pages and around 2,000 responses devoted solely to singles in the lifestyle. About a third of those deal specifically with the subject you've raised, I.E., how does a single male fit into all this? If you'll take just a few minutes to look up what's already been written on the subject, I'm sure you'll find that your questions have been answered many times over.

What kind of situation or "invitation" to look for? As a first time, should I be more just "waiting" or "active"?

If I had to sum it up in just one sentence, I'd say that your demeanor should be much the same as that of a homeless person. That is, you want to make your presence known without being intrusive, and you want to seem eager without appearing desperate. As has been pointed out many times before, you bring essentially nothing to what is otherwise a highly sexually charged enviornment. Smile when smiled at and speak when spoken to, but otherwise, sit down, shut up, and try not to make a pest of yourself. If you're looking for a way to help pass the time, you can start by asking yourself why they're all there with somebody, and you're not. It's a fair question, and one they'll no doubt be asking themselves of you.

Things NOT to do...

DON'T do what we saw some asshole do at a club a few weeks ago...that is, go into a room that has been set aside for exhibitionists, go up to the bed where a couple is engaged in intercourse, and start jacking off over the womans face. And if they move to another part of the bed in an obvious attempt to get away from you, do NOT move to the other side of the bed and reposition yourself over her face again. If they want you to join, they'll ask you. Otherwise, keep your distance, don't rattle closed doors, and DON'T assume that a woman caught up in the "throes of passion" doesn't care who's entering her.

As a general rule, do NOT expose your penis unless someone specifically directs you to, and DON'T touch it unless someone else touches it first. Nothing is a bigger turn-off or shows less class than a guy who strolls around a swing club strokin' his dick. If you're nearing the end of the evening and haven't been specifically asked to join somebody, DON'T assume that a last-ditch move like whipping out your pud and giving it the old "stretcheroo" is suddenly going to make them change their mind about you. Save it for the queers in the parking lot...

Lastly, do NOT assume that just because a club allows single males, it means that most of the couples are glad you're there. Your attendance is permitted because you're bringing serious CA$H into the club, not because, as some would lead you to believe, "many couples are looking for single males." In fact, if the matter were ever put to a vote, probably 95% of them (who generally have little say in the matter) would be quite happy if single males weren't allowed into the club at ALL. The other 5% are looking for very select, "stud muffin" types. If you still think you'll be comfortable in an enviornment that's largely, but quietly, hostile to single males, or that you truly have something to offer the other 5%, go, and give it your best shot.

If you don't...it's going to be a long and dissapointing night.

[sc8868]

WOW! What a detailed, yet, very encouraged post from Thrax (I am not try startup competition here with other posts :-) Don't laugh and I have not done any work today other than glued to this borad for endless reading after reading........ Every single post has offered me set of uniqe knowledge from each individuals experience. I can not say enough to thank each of you.

[sc8868]

Originally Posted by JnCC

that your demeanor should be much the same as that of a homeless person

That is a very nice way to put it. At this point, I don't think I have any "expectation" as I am see this first visit a only opportunity of exploring the real world.

Once again, those are excellent and valuable advises and I shall remember them.

[Spoomonkey]

I think Thrax's advice is excellent. Perhaps we have an emerging master in our midst...

One thing that definitely seems to work for us is: talk to the husband. Or, better yet, talk to many husbands. Not because he is a gate keeper or because he is going to green light you to naked congress with his wife, but because he's a guy - like you...

So, shoot the shit with him. No expectations, no insinuations, just casual conversation. At worst, he'll brush you off - more likely he'll chat with you and you gain a friendly face in a strange, intimidating place. At best... Well, you just never know...

Spoomonkey

[curiousagain]

uh,uh, Dito to what THRAX said.

[txduo2000]

Originally Posted by Thrax

No, thank YOU! Actually, I found the opening and had to post before CuriousAgain or EternallySingle got their messages in. Those two always seem to hog the good single male responses!

Actually, thanks for the props. As a single male I've been through a lot, and if there is an honest guy who wants to get involved in the lifestyle, I'm happy to help out...as long as he isn't sitting next to me at the bar.

Don't ever think that your response would be unwarranted, even if EternallySingle and Curiousagain get to a thread before you do. ALL perspectives from a Single Male's point of view are worthy ... and I will state that in my particularly biased opinion, you, EternallySingle and curiousagain have the most enlightened, respectful and admirable mindsets of ANY singles I have come across ... on this board and in person. All of you offer invaluable advice to all newcomers to the singles corner.