Observations and questions of a NEWBIE to all of this...

[Orion78]

First, let me say that I am so overwhelmed by the experiences, candor and freeness that most of you seem to have to express your inner desires and thoughts and then have the courage to meet one another and carry out your fantasies! Actually, it's altogether incredible to me! I've spent quite a bit of time reading experiences here on this forum and am so impressed with everything about it, especially the common respect that seems to flourish here above all else. It's refreshing and quite frankly, very freeing to me! I've always been very straight-laced on the outside but quite the opposite on the inside, but always felt somewhat embarassed or afraid of being judged if my real thoughts and fantasies were every discovered. In any event, I feel fortunate to have found this community and I hope that though I am a single male, I will be accepted as a part of your community. The reason I say that is because I have read quite a few threads on this forum that seem to discourage single males or look down upon them. So my questions to you all are the following:

1. Why does it appear that single males are not really encouraged to be a part of this community?

2. Is it possible for single males to be a part of this great community? If so, how do you recommend I go about establishing myself?

Please forgive my ignorance and I apologize in advance if my observations are incorrect. I am totally new to this forum and community and lifestyle and would just like more insight on it, in hopes that I can somehow be a part.

Thanks.

[Andy100]

Hiya Orion

That was a great first post and you ask a good question , Single males are part of this community but they tend to get a bad press as many guys join sites like this thinking evry woman is desparate for sex , many show little or no respect for the couple and use the swinging community as an opportunity to cheat on their wives , so dont be discouraged at the regular comment you may hear "No single males" its only because many couples have had bad experiences.

If you are genuine and prepared to work at becoming part of the community build friendships with couples online and at social events they will find you.

Best of luck


Andy

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Orion78

1. Why does it appear that single males are not really encouraged to be a part of this community?

I think what you'll find is that you are not battling couples so much as you are battling other single men. Some folks here claim they have never had an issue with a single. They are pretty much the exception.

I think the majority of couples in the lifestyle have at least one tale of the bone head who almost ruined it for everyone.

Our experience has been that most single men are decent guys - some are more "polished" than others and truely understand what swinging is - and sincerely respect the couples they swing with. Most others are probably just as decent, but lack the "polish"... Nice guys, but probably not quite grasping things...

Then - of course - you get the rare jack ass who sees things completely backwards, has no respect for the husband, the wife, the marriage, etc. This guy has turned a lot of couples off to singles. We met him once and he nearly knocked us off of single guys for good. But we have since met a guy on the opposite end of the spectrum.

So - keep in mind - your struggle isn't against couples. It is against "that guy". Unless you are "that guy" - in which case, your struggle will be against yourself.

The fact that you are asking this question and the content of your post leads me to believe that you are not "that guy" - and that is a good thing.

Originally Posted by Orion78

2. Is it possible for single males to be a part of this great community? If so, how do you recommend I go about establishing myself?

Be real - be honest - be sincere - be involved. Share, ask questions, just "shoot the shit." As a couple who does enjoy good single guys when they come along, we aren't looking for guys with the biggest equipment, or those self-proclaimed (and they all seem to be so self-proclaimed) "masters of oral sex". We're just looking for guys that we can both feel a comfort level with.

Single guys are a dime a dozen...

GOOD single guys are as rare as single women...

Spoomonkey

[Orion78]

Andy100 - thank you for the advice. Very simple and practical. I'm not married, so cheating on the wife is not my goal. I find the concept of this community amazing and refreshing... the openness of meeting people and having incredible experiences with them, developing fun relationships and keeping it moving. I also appreciate how many of you are of the same mind in the way of respect for the relationships or episodes you share. I find it very refreshing that most of the couples are very much happy and in love with one another and by being a part of this lifestyle, are just expanding and enhancing their love! So, with that understanding, yes, I am prepared to work to become a part of this community and build friendships with couples. Thanks again for your advice.

SpooMonkey - You appear very well grounded. I appreciated every word of your commentary because it forced me to evaluate myself and weigh myself against what appears to be the general expectation of a single guy in this community. I also VERY MUCH appreciated the link you provided to your experience with the "bad apple". Let me just say that I am sorry that you had that experience, but kudos to you and your wife for the way you 2 handled it. It is truly a testament to the relationship that you have and the MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING you share. It is THAT understanding that attracts me to this community and lifestyle. I think it is the perception of many that people who choose this lifestyle are unhappy in their marriages and relationships and are looking to get into something else. But your experience is a demonstration of the opposite. You 2 truly love one another and I can see from the comments of others in that "one bad apple" thread that this is the general metality of couples in this community. I very much appreciate and respect that and, as a result, am even more drawn to this community and lifestyle.

For the record I am far from "that guy" who is looking to break down or subvert anyones relationship. I am only looking to do what it appears everyone in this community is attempting to do: enhance the human experience by expressing your truest desires and fantasies with people of like minds and not feeling ashamed or bad for having those feelings. Instead feeling at peace for having them and happy to be able to express them and carry them out!

Thanks again for both your comments. I welcome more please!

[LikeMinds321]

Hi Orion!

Welcome

It's been mentioned that showing respect to the couples you approach is important. I would add that you deserve the same respect.

The swinging community is predominantly couples and they are as diverse as any nonswinging group of people. Choose swingers using the same good judgment that you would use when choosing friends.

Please continue to visit the board and post often so that we can all get to know you.

LM

[DBL D]

Hello Orion78,

That Was a great 1st post!

We can't answer your question about how come Single Males don't seem to be as accepted a part of the lifestyle as any other is. We just simply haven't ever looked for you yet. We have been couples oriented. We have met single males at dances and all of the ones we met were just fine gentlemen. The dance organizers basically hand selected the single males who would be let in. (Quota basis?) They just weren't what we were looking for at the time.

You certainly can't just expect couples to fall all over themselves about you (single males). There seems to be as many single males as couples out there and since a lot of couples look for other combinations, you may feel you're getting left with the short end. Like has been mentioned, make a good name for yourself and everything should work out well.

And thanks for the remark about our "freeness"...it is a wonderful thing to be accepted for it and not shunned because of it.

Male D

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Well you've pretty much gotten some of the best information and advice on getting along in the lifestyle, whether it's on this board, at a club or when meeting couples. Be respectful, descrete and not all about "your equipment or ablilities" as Spoo mentioned.

Since you've been reading things on the board already you had to have run across posts by some of the single males here that are regulars. From that you should be able to tell which ones are doing things right and hence have much respect around the board.

Singles are great when they come to the table with honesty and a knowledge that I am not in the lifestyle with my husband because I am looking for something bigger and better. We are in it together to watch each other have fun and to fulfill fantasies. We have a single male friend who now for us has set the bar high for any others that come our way. We also had the single guy that lowered it and gave us all the red flags to look for.

Most couples aren't looking for the guy who claims to have a ?" dick, or can give the wife the best orgasm she's ever had. Now doesn't that come across as arrogant :rollseyes We want someone who we can both talk to, have fun with, not treat our husband like he is worthless or treat us wives like a piece of meat that they are just really going to "give it to" and then leave.

The good single male who can connect with a couple or couples will no doubtedly get his fantasies fulfilled as much as the couple will and maybe in the end have a great set of friends that he can be himself with. (i.e. the sexual side) That is what interested us to the lifestyle - to have likeminded friends that we could do things with in and out of the bedroom.

Welcome to the board and to the lifestyle. We look forward to hearing from you more so don't be afraid to jump in on threads or ask questions. Learn from the good singles we have here as well as the good couples (because you deserve the same respect) and I think you'll do well.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[fun4Ds]

well you wanted some more input. first you should know that we dont play with singles not that its my decision but mrs.funs. you should post an introduction and let us know a little more about yourself. as for your questions #1 why singles are not encouraged. well this is mainly a lifestyle between couples.we feel there is plenty of options for singles on the single personal ad sites. cant you post an add there and just put what you have told us here there? we have single friends that tell us about remarkable results just by being honest and looking for open no strings attached sexual experiances.you may find a new partner that could take this journey with you.then you would get the experiance of a partner in this lifestyle where you respect each others boundries.single or married, people have boundries.#2 is it possible to be part of the community? well yes it is possible. but your the one to pass the test. as mrs.fun was just telling me of having your character and personality tested. i hope you find your place as a single in this lifestyle im sure it aint gonna be easy. have you read any post from JnCC or eternally single. now there are a couple of guys that might stand a chance with us because they are really honest and genuine by our standards. im a bit of a skeptical person so i hope your being honest and not just trying to get info for an easy way in to couples lives. there are alot of people here who arnt easily fooled . hope to hear more from you. good luck in your journey.

[DBL D]

There's always "Craigslist".

M.D.

[Orion78]

LikeMinds321 and DBLD - Thank you for your comments, advice and WELCOMES!! Very much appreciated and noted!

Mrs Spoomonkey - I thank you also for the welcome! I have to say that by your comments, you and Mr. Spoo seem very well grounded and appear to have it all-together mentally, emotionally, sexually and otherwise. I, thus far, am really impressed. Let me also mention that I am especially fond of yours and LikeMinds321's commentary which stated that I, as a single person, deserve respect too. If I were developing thoughts that I needed to exude respect to others and simply accept disrespect from people in this community because I choose to be a part of the community as a single guy, both you and LikeMinds321, helped me to see that perhaps some may disrespect me (because I am not considered the "catch" of the community because of my single status), but very much like Mr. Spoo's sentiment in his last comment, I feel like people are a dime a dozen. It takes effort to find the quality ones. So far all of you here have been very accomodating and awesome - and for that I am grateful! Oh, by the way, for the record: No, I have not read any posts from ANY single people on this forum. Beleieve me, I've been looking for them, but couldn't find any. In fact, before posting my first post, I looked frantically for a single guys post, to get an idea of how they interact on the forum. I couldn't find any and, as a result, I felt like the minority and the underdog and was very afraid to post because I didn't know what kind of responses I would get. I built the courage to post anyway and now have no regrets!! yours and others positive posts ahve contributed! Thank you.

[Orion78]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

we feel there is plenty of options for singles on the single personal ad sites. cant you post an add there and just put what you have told us here there? we have single friends that tell us about remarkable results just by being honest and looking for open no strings attached sexual experiances.you may find a new partner that could take this journey with you.then you would get the experiance of a partner in this lifestyle where you respect each others boundries.single or married, people have boundries.

Honestly, no. I never thought of looking for a partner on a singles site with the idea of asking them to swing with me. To be honest with you, I don't know if that is someting I'd be interested in at this time anyway because I am not looking for a steady relationship with anyone at this time or anyone to share this experience with me. I'm really just wanting to meet people and have a good time and make the very best of casual encounters. I suppose the lifestyle of swingers represents a fantasy I've alsways had and the fulfilling of it never involved me being with a partner or "roll buddy".

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

#2 is it possible to be part of the community? well yes it is possible. but your the one to pass the test. as mrs.fun was just telling me of having your character and personality tested. i hope you find your place as a single in this lifestyle im sure it aint gonna be easy.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am certainly up for the challenge. From the comments others have made, I get the feeling I will be okay. It's all new to me and so I will admit it's a little scary. But it's also very exciting at the same time.

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

have you read any post from JnCC or eternally single. now there are a couple of guys that might stand a chance with us because they are really honest and genuine by our standards. im a bit of a skeptical person so i hope your being honest and not just trying to get info for an easy way in to couples lives. there are alot of people here who arnt easily fooled . hope to hear more from you. good luck in your journey.

Nope, I have not read any of thier posts or any single gent posts since I've been on tis forum. Since you proided the names I will certainly look up some of their posts, but I appreciate what some have said here about being honest. I sort of feel glad that I couldn't find any single peoples posts initially because I may have fashioned some of my comments on theirs in an effort to be accepted in this community.

As far as you being skeptical, well, I can certainly appreciate that. I suppose it would be easy for me to say that you've got nothing to worry about with me... but those are only words... over the internet, no less! What I can say is that I really like this community and love the concept of it - and I would like to be a long time member of it. Obvioiusly that means buiding a reputation. I certainly have nothing to hide. I've been nothing but honest to this point and will continue to be such, as I feel that's the only way to be ESPECIALLY when trying to build on something very important to you.

Thank you for wanting to hear more from me. I believe you will!

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Orion78

Oh, by the way, for the record: No, I have not read any posts from ANY single people on this forum. Beleieve me, I've been looking for them, but couldn't find any. In fact, before posting my first post, I looked frantically for a single guys post, to get an idea of how they interact on the forum. I couldn't find any and, as a result, I felt like the minority and the underdog and was very afraid to post because I didn't know what kind of responses I would get. I built the courage to post anyway and now have no regrets!! yours and others positive posts ahve contributed! Thank you.

We have several singles males and females on this board that post regularly and are of a very high quality. The two males that come to mind first and always is curiousagain and EternallySingle. Also, Dynamar is a single female that posts frequently with great imput from the SF perspective. You might start there with getting an idea on qualities of a good single.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

Also, Dynamar is a single female that posts frequently with great imput from the SF perspective.

Thank you for the compliment Mrs. Spoo.

[davephx]

The reason it is so hard for single guys is because by tradition and definition swinging is about couples. Some swing clubs allow single guys on some nights to make money, but basically they allow singles to watch usually the exhibitionist couples that come those nights and many other swingers avoid.

There are very good reasons why couples like to share with other couples.

Yes there are some couples that enjoy a extra man once in a while but the supply of wantaparticipate single male is humongous. There does seem to be more interest in some cities for single males if the male is bi.

Back years ago when I led the Phoenix couples group, we ran ads and for every 10 couples that responded we had 100 single guys and maybe one single female (they often were doms looking for slave guys).

Since swinging is by original definition for couples, a single man coming to a swing club is like someone coming to a potluck without bringing a dish. Potluck is about sharing food as swinging is about couples sharing with other couples.

[curiousagain]

Welcome to the board, Orion. You've received a lot of good advice so far and there's not a lot to add to it other than just treat people as you want to be treated. Don't have a lot of expectations up front and realize that just as couples swing in addition to their marriage, a single person should see swinging as something they do in addition to dating and not in place of it.

Most couples don't swing with single guys, don't take that personally, that's just not something they are in to. But, a single guy that has manners, social skills, looks nice, smells nice, and acts nice will always find some success in the swing lifestyle.


One of the best parts of swinging is hanging out with people who have the same mindset, so just hang out, look and search around and don't be afraid to ask questions.

BTW, thanks Mrs. Spoomonkey.