Advice for New Single Female?

[rugbyjuggalette]

I have several questions, that I haven't seen posted up here before. I have read a lot of the topics, and y'all seem like a cool community, very supportive, so I was hoping to get some honest answers.

I've never done anything that involved more than one person before, but this is something I've been interested in since I was 15 (I'm 24 now), so this is not a fly-by-night fantasy. Its something I've wondered about for years, but am finally acting on.

I joined on on-line group on Yahoo, and I posted that I was new to the group. I instantly was flooded with messages of two things: 1) people who wanted to arrange a party for me and 2) people who want me to invite to a party. I must say, I was surprised by the response.

These are some of my questions: I can I do this as a single female? I obviously don't mean that its hard for me to find people that are willing for me to join, but it's hard to feel comfortable. How do I make sure I'm safe? How do I know that no will mean no? I don't have a husband or boyfriend to watch out for me, so what situations can be okay?

Also, about the guys that want to arrange a party for me-- can they be trusted? Some of them seem like they want to be like a "pimp"-- they'll arrange everything, but only if I definitely sleep with them. It made me feel very weird, and I've gathered from previous posts that I shouldn't deal with anything that makes me uncomfortable. Is this the typical arrangement if you want someone to set something up for you?

Also, I want to be able to share my experiences with people I find attractive. Is this possible? how do I tell people I'm not interested in that I'm not interested?

And one last question-- I've been invited by a guy to a party on Friday night. I think I want to go to see what the whole thing is about. He says that he'll pay for me to go, we'll take separate cars, and I don't have to do anything. He said he planned to just go and watch anyway. Is this something I should do or should I be seeing red flags? Please, I need all the advice I can get!

[kittylikesmfm]

my suggestions are:
A) not give out ANY personal information
please be so careful as a young single woman online..please. i am so bad about slipping and yapping and saying too much. i can just imagine how i would have been at your age.
B)if you are going to meet anywhere, make it public and take a friend. don't just say you are taking a friend, take a friend.

beyond that it's up to your personal intuition, so just trust your feelings. as a side note i'd suggest to every single girl in the world: buy yourself a nice handgun and visit the firing range and pay the extra deposit for a dog.

[Vespertine]

I think your best bet would be to go to an off-prem party or a mixer. At one of those two places, there isn't going to be any pressure to play- just a chance to meet other like-minded people.

I think the above would be a safer enviornment for a single woman. If you have any problems, you can go to the management.

Meeting someone (especially a single man (sorry, guys)) that you've met on the internet for a party is a bad idea. You don't know for certain what these people are into.

I'd stick with organized activities if I were you.

[hilltop]

Hi rugby,

Ves and Kitty have given you some really good advice.

Going to an online group or chat room as a single female makes you water in the desert. You're going to be swamped with "invitations" and you should be leery of all of them. TRUST NO ONE!

The suggestion to go to an organized event is a good approach. Also join an ad site then only contact people YOU find interesting instead of puting yourself out there for "public consumption". You'll still be overwhelmed with invites and contacts but you can weed through them.

Of course this fella wants to go to an event with you and says you don't have to do anything . . . he's looking for a "ticket" to get into the show.

Take it slow and only do what you are comfortable with.

Please be safe and let us know how it goes!

[EternallySingle]

TAKE THINGS SLOW!!!!!! Finding someone to have sex with is easy (and easier for single women than single men). Finding someone you want to have sex with is harder (and I guess harder for single women than for single men). There are thousands of single men in the Chicago area that would not only be happy to acccompany you to swing events that you would not only feel comfortable with, but feel safe with. You may even want a more permanent relationship with five or six of them and would narrow the choice down by the same criteria you would use when dating in what we call "The Vanilla World" The trick for single men and women is finding each other.

Online sucks, but its usually the only way to meet single men that KNOW about swinging. Meeting couples will be a little easier online, but mainly what works for one will work for both. You need to write them, not the other way around. To do this, block single men from seeing your profile, and actually LOOK at their profiles.

Pass on the ones where their main picture shows their penis. The guy probably hasn't written anything and is not interested in telling you anything except how many positions he can do in a night. You can find those guys for free at the grocery store on Thursday before the basketball game begins on TNT.

Pass on the ones that don't look like guys you would date outside of swinging. If you wouldn't be attracted to them if swinging wasn't an option, he'll pick up on it fast and inadvertanly make any meeting miserable.

Pass on the ones that immediately talk about their sexual experiences. You might think you would care, but if all you want is a sex toy, call an escort service.

Pass on the ones that don't tell you about their sexual experiences after you tell them about yours. They are too shy to perform when the time comes.

Don't write less than three emails before you decide to meet. If you are so attracted to a person online that you just have to meet them after the first email, you are too horny to think straight. You've missed a lot of signals they sent, or you are just caught up in their pictures or what they write. Either way, it will probably end bad. If not the first night, then later on when the trust should be getting deeper.

Don't write more than six emails before you decide to meet. If you have talked that much and still not sure, it won't work out. Either they don't excite you or they don't know HOW to excite you. Example:I was on a date and talking to a woman I had known for three months. By the end of the date, she had left four times and I was ready to go home. The last time she went to the restroom, the woman behind me asked if we were dating, and if I'd be interested in seeing her. Obviously, what I said to bore my date turned her on. We went out for six months before I was transferred to Germany.

NEVER PLAN TO HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST MEETING, BUT BE PREPARED TO HAVE SEX, NONE THE LESS!!!!!!! Make sure you have enough of everything, but don't tell them. If they have to travel more than three hours to see you, agree to meet them halfway and have your own hotel room rented so you won't have such a long drive home. If something happens and you do decide to play, call a friend and say where you are and to call you at a certain time the next day. Then insist they come to your room. And tell them that you have someone that will be checking on you in the morning. If they get upset because you don't trust them...run. FAST! Sex is not enough of a reason to let your guard down.

Lastly, don't be so cautious this becomes work. You know which don't creep you out. You know which don't put you immediately on edge. When you do talk to someone, ask yourself "Would I be talking to them if I weren't interested in having sex with them?" If the answer is "NO", just tell them "No offense, but I don't think we can hit it off."

Most importantly, talk to the guys you date. You'll be surprised how many of them might have been involved in a threesome in the past or have also thought about swinging but didn't know any women that wouldn't run at the thought.

[good times]

I pretty much agree with the others here and would add the following.

Originally Posted by rugbyjuggalette

These are some of my questions: I can I do this as a single female? I obviously don't mean that its hard for me to find people that are willing for me to join, but it's hard to feel comfortable. How do I make sure I'm safe? How do I know that no will mean no? I don't have a husband or boyfriend to watch out for me, so what situations can be okay?

I would suggest finding a good "on-premise" club. The reason I think this is the best bet for a single female is that whether you are just their taking it all in or you decide to actaully hook up with others for some play time their is always club hosts or personel around to watch your back. If things don't seem to be going the way you like you can easily excuse yourself from the situation knowing that the people there will respect your wishes or get delt with by the hosts.

Originally Posted by rugbyjuggalette

Also, about the guys that want to arrange a party for me-- can they be trusted? Some of them seem like they want to be like a "pimp"-- they'll arrange everything, but only if I definitely sleep with them. It made me feel very weird, and I've gathered from previous posts that I shouldn't deal with anything that makes me uncomfortable. Is this the typical arrangement if you want someone to set something up for you?

I have never heard of this being done in the lifestyle. I think your first impression is right these guys are looking for a nieve easy lay or intend to pimp you out to their buddies.

Originally Posted by rugbyjuggalette

Also, I want to be able to share my experiences with people I find attractive. Is this possible? how do I tell people I'm not interested in that I'm not interested?

Just be honest, if you are approached by someone you are not intereted in just politely tell them you are not interested. You don't need to give any reasons and in our experiance it isn't even a good idea to do so. A simple "no thanks" is pefectly sufficient.

Originally Posted by rugbyjuggalette

And one last question-- I've been invited by a guy to a party on Friday night. I think I want to go to see what the whole thing is about. He says that he'll pay for me to go, we'll take separate cars, and I don't have to do anything. He said he planned to just go and watch anyway. Is this something I should do or should I be seeing red flags? Please, I need all the advice I can get!

Like someone else said above, this guy probably just needs a ticket (you) to get into the party. Most parties and clubs allow single females but do not allow single males. My advice would be to decline his offer and if the party is still an option, go by yourself.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by rugbyjuggalette

I joined on on-line group on Yahoo, and I posted that I was new to the group. I instantly was flooded with messages of two things: 1) people who wanted to arrange a party for me and 2) people who want me to invite to a party. I must say, I was surprised by the response.

Don't be. There are MANY different qualities that factor into whether a woman is attractive to a man or not. Of these, availability is the one that she has the most immediate control over. Being available to men generally makes a woman attractive to them, and nothing says "available" to the world quite like signing up on an adult website.

(A woman once told me that signing up on an adult website made her feel desireable again, "as if [she had] lost 20 years and 50 pounds." Stuffing money into strippers G-strings has a similar effect on balding, middle-aged men)

Can I do this as a single female? I obviously don't mean that its hard for me to find people that are willing for me to join, but it's hard to feel comfortable.

Swinging is essentially a couples activity. As a single of either sex, your role is much like that of a silent partner in business...you're there to serve them and provide support for their relationship without actually becoming a part of it. It's a very fine line to tread...one that most singles don't do very well at for very long. Most of the people I've known who were single upon entering the lifestyle soon paired-up with somebody, although none of those pairings had enough "tooth" to survive once swinging was removed from the equasion.

How do I make sure I'm safe? How do I know that no will mean no?

In short, I don't think you can. The advice offered in a previous post, that is, to start with an off-premise party or mixer, was good. I would also suggest trying to make the acquaintenceship of an experienced couple beforehand, to see you to and from the party, and to hang out with while there. They can probably steer you away from the known wolves and losers who always seem to show up at those things as well.

I don't have a husband or boyfriend to watch out for me, so what situations can be okay?

See the above.

about the guys that want to arrange a party for me-- can they be trusted? Some of them seem like they want to be like a "pimp"-- they'll arrange everything, but only if I definitely sleep with them.

They're definitely not pimps. A pimp's main job is to protect his whores and to make sure they get paid...boffing them is a fringe benefit. These guys sound more like "John's," and cheap ones at that. If your self-esteem is so low or your need for sex so great that you're seriously considering letting these guys plan a "party" for you, all I can say is "Girl, yo' needs a pimp"

DO remember that an invitation to a sex party is NOT the same thing as an invitation to go on a "date" It's about sex, plain and simple. Don't expect "hearts and flowers," phone calls to cheer you up when you're feeling down, or any of the accoutremonts of "romance." It's skin-on-skin, baby, with perhaps enough cordiality thrown in to cement the deal. Don't bore them with the details of your life. If they wanted to know anything about you as a person, they'd be inviting you to "dinner and a movie," not a sex party.

Something else to consider is that the most likely reason a guy asks a woman to a sex club on a first date is because he's hoping to fuck somebody else, and he's counting on you to help him realize that goal. Once that happens, you become redundant, and any objection you voice becomes a liability to him. That may be acceptable to you (after all, you're probably hoping to "upgrade" too). Just be aware that couples who use each other as "tickets" in the lifestyle are usually time-bombs waiting to go off, especially when it's apparent to one (often, but not always, the male) that the other is having a much easier time of meeting people.

I've been invited by a guy to a party on Friday night. I think I want to go to see what the whole thing is about. He says that he'll pay for me to go, we'll take separate cars, and I don't have to do anything. He said he planned to just go and watch anyway. Is this something I should do or should I be seeing red flags?

Nobody can answer that for you. I mean, I'm seeing "red flags" all over the place, but I'm also finding that, as time goes by, I'm becoming "not a very good spokesman" for singles in the lifestyle. If you're not seeing the same flags I am, then by all means, GO. But meet in a well-lit place with lots of surveilance cameras, and if your dad or brother isn't going with you, at least take your cell-phone and some pepper spray. It would probably be a good idea to hide a pig-sticker and a GPS tracking device somewhere in your go-go boots, too.

That, or a pimp.

[rugbyjuggalette]

Wow, I've really appreciated all the advice, from everyone.

First, I've decided not to go to the party. I called the people who run the party, and they seem like really cool people, and answered alot of my questions (like do I have to participate). Ultimately, I feel like as a single female, I really want to go as a single female. I'm not with a man, I don't want to be with one, and just like one of y'all said, I'm really there as his "ticket" and he's most likely trying to hook up with someone else there, so what's the point?

I'm glad y'all agree that its weird for a guy to offer to set up a party for me, in exchange for sex. After that, I didn't feel bad at all for telling them "no thanks"

I think I'll take this at my own pace, and maybe go to one of these parties on my own...

Thanks again!

[Miss_Piggy]

I'm inclined to think that going to an organized event is your best option.

As a couple, we're pretty weary of single women who answer our ad. I guess we've been so convinced that single women are so hard to find that we assume most single women online are actually male picture hunters. At a meet and greet or an off premise club or something like that you and your prospective partners can see that you are who you say you are. Furthermore, there is some security in these events as there are more people around. I don't know about you, but I can't think of anyone I might want to bring on a date with a couple (or single) if I were a single woman looking for swing partners.

Furthermore, I wouldn't discount the idea of getting some group sex action going on with people you already know/date. Of course this idea does carry both pros and cons that have been discussed at length elsewhere on this board. It's not an impossible idea.

Good luck you and keep in mind ES's advice, "Lastly, don't be so cautious this becomes work." (along with the rest of what's been said here. I agree with all of it - except for the buy a gun bit )

[MrkLin]

If there is one single factor in this lifestyle that is the most important it is communication. Only through communication can you develop the trust needed to feel completely comfortable with this decision. You simply have to talk to people. You obviously know this as you've joined this forum. It's a great step in your chosen direction.

It's perfectly natural to be nervous or hesitant when first getting into this lifestyle. You are definitely in the minority, as you quickly discovered, and there's no shortage of men who would love to "show you the ropes." The problem is, some of them might want to actually use real ropes, if you catch my drift. You're very wise to be cautious.

My suggestion for you is to keep in contact with that couple you've already talked to over the phone. Arrange a meeting in a neutral public spot like a coffee shop and discuss things further. You already know that you have a million questions, and finding a couple who are willing to sit down and talk to you about them is a great first step. Just by talking to them as you have already done has gotten you one foot in the door, so to speak. Follow up with them if they seem like a nice couple. You are under NO obligation to jump into bed with them just by talking to them. If they're genuine, they'll already know this and view the meeting as a great opportunity to meet a potential new friend. That's the first step to developing the trust I mentioned earlier. We meet every new couple in this manner, and we've never had a bad experience. Sure, we've been disappointed a few times, but that happens in any social situation. Don't be hesitant to meet in public. People ask us all the time about that. They're worried that someone they know will see them. My answer is, so what? It's not like you're going to jump up and declare before God and everyone that you're meeting a couple to possibly have sex with. You're meeting friends for coffee. I'll tell you now that your first conversations will probably be pretty innocent at first anyway - occupations, family background, stuff like that.

Obviously nobody can be attracted to everyone, but going to a party is a good way to meet people of a like mind. You'll like some of the other guests, and maybe not some of the others, just as in any other social setting. We didn't participate at our first party 4 years ago because we were basically scared spitless, but none of the other guests had a problem with that - they had all had a first time too. We spent the evening socializing and just getting to know folks. Needless to say we relaxed quite a bit by the end of the evening, and the hosts of that party have become very close friends in every sense of the word. I'd suggest you try the same, and if the group is worth their salt, they'll understand your concerns and wishes and support you. Remember that they don't know you either, so they're probably just as nervous as you are. If they don't support your decision not participate, you now know a group to stay away from. You just don't need them. Unwanted pressure is simply unacceptable, and you're perfectly within your rights to leave if you feel uncomfortable in any way. Talking and building the trust before attending the party is the only way to make sure you won't find yourself in that situation to begin with. Again, meet them first in a public, neutral place and discuss things. If something doesn't feel right, or if they seem a bit put off by your concerns, politely decline the party invitations and meet another couple.

Trust isn't formed overnight. You have to get to know people, and the only way to do that is to be around them. I wouldn't restrict myself to one group or couple in the early stages - before you play, that is. You know how it goes: hanging with only one crowd limits your experiences. Meet people. Circulate. Socialize. If you like one particular group, socialize with them. If you don't particularly like a group or couple, don't socialize with them. I know it's a cliche, but no really does mean no, and if anyone can't accept that, it's their problem, NOT yours.

You live in a major metropolitan area, so I know there are probably dozens of friendly couples in your area who would love to talk to you. There are several online sites, like swinglifestyle.com and adultfriendfinder.com that have search functions that will let you look for people in your area. You can usually do a couple of searches without having to register, and get a feel for the people who are out there in your area. Look over a few profiles and see what's out there. E-mails and chatting can and does often lead to meetings, although they don't have to if you wish. You can follow your instincts from there. Go slowly and cautiously, but do go. Getting to know people is the only way to decide whether or not you're interested in pursuing things further. Remember - if it feels funny or uncomfortable, it's probably not for you. Only you can decide what you're comfortable with.

We're a married couple that is a little over 1000 miles away from you, so we're probably one of the safest couples you'll ever correspond with. If you, or anyone else for that matter, would like to e-mail any questions you may have about the lifestyle or meeting people in any way, feel free to do so at mrklin123@yahoo.com. We'll be honest and forthright, and I guarantee we will not pressure you in any way, nor will we try to "hook you up" with people. If you'd rather not e-mail us, that's fine too. You're the only one who truly knows what you're looking for, and there's no sense in putting up with people you're not really interested in meeting - I understand that. If you choose to e-mail us, we will answer your questions as honestly as we can, even if that answer is, "I don't know." Remember that communication is the key, and it will open the door to unlimited possibilities. This is, after all, all about having fun.

Sorry for the length of this post, but this is a fascinating subject, and one we obviously feel very passionate about. We're all about respect and having fun, so helping anyone new to this is fun for us too. Good luck with whatever you decide, and remember you're the one in charge of your desires. If anyone has a problem with any of those desires, I submit it's simply that - their problem.

[intuition897]

There are definite disadvantages to playing as a single, male or female. But the single females are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to safety. The truth is, that couple you met at the (very public) restaurant who seemed so nice and real and sane could behave very differently behind closed doors! There's just no guarantee. I liked the suggestion to try on-premises clubs until you get more comfortable with the social interaction of swinging. With practice, it becomes pretty easy to see the freaks coming a mile away; don't put yourself at risk until you can do this. On-premises clubs (although we've never been to them ourselves) apparently have really good security. Jackasses who don't comprehend 'no-means-no' are out on their ear before they know what hits them!

I think it takes a special personality to successfully swing as a single female. The kind of single female we'd look for would have the following qualities:
1) Very grounded and real. Zero drama.
2) She should know why she's doing this, and should be happy being a single woman.
3) She needs to respect herself as well as us and our relationship. Honesty and integrity are very important here as well.
4) Assertive and tactfully blunt. We prefer hanging out with people (regardless of marital status) who are confident, comfortable, and practiced at politely and firmly saying, "No thanks. " This kinda goes with the respect thing.
5) Sense of humour. Wit, charm, poise, intelligence... In a word, class.

For us, we look at the person first; marital status doesn't matter (unless you're cheating, but we won't get into that...). We look for the same qualities in couples and singles equally. The only difference is that couples come in a two-pack. Now...it must be said that we have yet to swing with a single (male or female) because we haven't found the right ones yet, but in theory this is our philosophy.

[MrkLin]

Originally Posted by intuition897

There are definite disadvantages to playing as a single, male or female. But the single females are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to safety. The truth is, that couple you met at the (very public) restaurant who seemed so nice and real and sane could behave very differently behind closed doors! There's just no guarantee.

You make an excellent point, and that's why I suggested further communication with the couple she has already talked to over the phone. The fact that they are hosting parties in their own home means that they are more likely to be a known entity in the lifestyle in her area. It's been our experience that people who host parties in their own homes are a bit more concerned about their reputations to the rest of the world. Neighbors calling the police because of loud shrieks of agony at midnight would be a bad thing. Still, you do make a good point, and the advice given to her previously about taking a friend along is still very good.

rugbyjuggalette, you might consider meeting a guy who's interested in this lifestyle and would like to attend parties and go to clubs with you. Upon reflection, it might be that much safer for you. Lacking that, the earlier advice about keeping things public by going to on or off premise clubs would be the better option.