The Single Male who is Married

[toby962]

at least I changed it in my profile. I see it still says single male. Can someone running this web page change I am a: single male. to I am a:married male. help

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by toby962

...We stay together for all the right reasons...

I think my parents fit into this one! (See the following!)

Originally Posted by toby962

#1 We love each other very much.

Okay???

Originally Posted by toby962

#2 For our children.

Very nice...up to a point.

Originally Posted by toby962

#3 For medical benifits.

Oh...Excellent!

Originally Posted by toby962

#4 My wife thinks its natural for males to want more sex.

Womans perogative...I guess. Of course Mom "cured" him of those urges!

Originally Posted by toby962

#5 She knows I have had girlfreinds in the past, I get a wink & a smile.

OK...a wink and a smile from me too! facelick

Originally Posted by toby962

#6 Why destroy a relationship that works, maybe not the one you THINK should work?

Interesting thought...Care to elaborate? (Geez I sounded like ElusiveBiFem there for a second!)

Originally Posted by toby962

#7 I'm far away from her now for business reasons.

As long as we can call her...

Male D

[toby962]

I would love to elaborate. Me and my wife are told by many people that know us that we look so happy together. Its easy for us we give each other space to be free and independent poeple. When we got married I didn't want my wife to take my last name. For what reason? , I don't own her. She is not my equall she is much better than me. I treat her like the queen she is. I thank god every day that I have her and that she gave us our children. You would be amazed how well a marriege works when you get your heads out of each others rear ends. I think the best thing we have going is that neither one of us is jealous. That is the second biggest problem in not just in marriege but all of life. Biggest problem in this world and marriege is narrcisicm. Poeple are obsorbed in them selfs to much and not on how I (you) could make my wife a happeir, healthyer and better person. Thats one of my most important goals in life.

[DBL D]

Well toby962 (drum roll),

I'm proud you live in the same town I grew up in.

Male D

[HotMoCpl]

First off....its still cheating. All you know is what HE says. Sorry, its still not right.

Originally Posted by Atilla

ok, last night I was chatting with a guy who is married but his wife doesn't swing. I asked him if she knew what he was doing, he said yes she did and that she didn't have a problem with it as long as she knew where he was and when he would be getting home.

First off, that sounds like a Mother to me not a wife. My Mom always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing.

Secondly, is this common? I'm thinking that there can't be much of a marriage there if she's willing to let him go off on his own.

Also, gut instinct says NO, No, No to me

I am one of those guys that plays alone, and yes my wife does know all about it and encourages me to find someone. You see in this lifestyle, I believe we've all met people that get pleasure from different things. For my wife, it's me telling her about an encounter that I've had with another couple or female. (I guess you could say that she swings vicariously through my swinging.)

As for talking to the couple that's interested in playing with me, sometimes she does, and sometimes she doesn't.

That's not to say that I don't respect the decision of those couples that choose not to get together with me, because again, it's a cardinal rule for those of us in the lifestyle to respect others choices and the "no" answer. And there are plenty of couples out there that accept my wife's lifetyle option and what turns her on.

big_daddy_37604

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by big_daddy_37604

That's not to say that I don't respect the decision of those couples that choose not to get together with me, because again, it's a cardinal rule for those of us in the lifestyle to respect others choices and the "no" answer. And there are plenty of couples out there that accept my wife's lifetyle option and what turns her on.

And just for those of you who whine that some of us are so quick to pass judgement - I'd like to jump in quickly and say that I COMPLETELY respect this sort of arrangement. I also appreciate his respect for the choices of those among us who would not be comfortable playing with him - for whatever reasons we might have.

Big Daddy - here's a beer for you

Spoomonkey

[Vantabulous]

Spoo,

Monogamous couples are "stingy bastards who won't sleep with anyone". Excuse me???

I'm confident that if you were to meet Mrs. Van, I would fall into the "stingy bastard" category. Guilty as charged...

On the other hand, regarding myself, I've saved you from getting the "Not a chance in Hell!" signal from Mrs. Spoo.

You owe me a beer...

Van

[Compersor]

Originally Posted by toby962

I thought swingers may have been a good idea but popular opinion is deffinitly against me.

Not my opinion, Toby, and not my wife's either. We are a bit more tolerant than the average swinger toward men (and women) who go behind their partners backs. Long gone are the days when I used to be much more judgmental. Especially younger people tend to be very intolerant. That's possibly why many swingers are older and more experienced people. We understand that not everybody has the luxury of a partner who has wrestled him(her)self free from the restrictive way of thinking imposed by our generally sex negative society (embodied for instance by time-honored institutions like the Roman-Catholic Mother Church, Walt Disney Studios, Barbara Cartland, Days of our Lives, etc. etc.....). And the urge to have a variety of sex partners is very strong, in both men and women. Swingers should understand that. If you can do it openly with the consent or participation of your partner, that is great. It doesn't come better than that. But if that turns out to be impossible, then that's just the way it is. Why should you sacrifice yourself, why should you be abysmally unhappy for the rest of your married life. Sooner or later it will catch up with you. It is very hard to consistently play the devoted and loving husband, if you are continuously resentful. Been there, done that in my first marriage. It is just not good for you. However I do think you should do everything you possibly can to win your wife over. A lot has been said, on this forum and elsewhere on the Web, on how to go about that. Extramarital sex, with or without your spouse's consent, corresponds to a very real and irrepressable human need. It is funny to see how people have two sets of standards. A (vanilla) sister of my wife's, when watching Oprah's show on swinging, spontaneously exclaimed that she had never heard of such idiocy before. She thought it was profoundly immoral. But I know for a fact that she cheats on her husband (whom she loves very much). If her husband, though, were to even entertain the thought of extracurricular activity himself, all hell would break loose, if ever she were to find out. My wife (whom I love very much) and I are into MFM. We both prefer it. We don't cheat. Everything is out in the open and she can even see other men without me being present. I just want to know who she is with and where, also for her own safety. If she were to cheat on me, and I found out, I would not be terribly upset. But I would ask her not to do it anymore. Mind you, all this doesn't mean that lying and cheating are always ok. No, that is definitely not the case. But sometimes you don't have the choice (the instinct is just too strong). It is not right that a wife should force her husband to live his life entirely according to her rules, no more than the other way around. It is for this reason that my wife and I occasionally - we are very selective - do accept married men who cheat on their wives. We also derive - possibly a false - sense of security - diseasewise - from this. Finally I would like to remark that I never cheat on my wife, nor lie to her. But I can imagine there are situations where it cannot be avoided, which includes cases in which a lie is a lot more merciful and sensible than the cold truth. I think swingers should be just as unjudgmental themselves as they would like vanilla people to be.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Compersor

Why should you sacrifice yourself, why should you be abysmally unhappy for the rest of your married life...But sometimes you don't have the choice (the instinct is just too strong)...But I can imagine there are situations where it cannot be avoided, which includes cases in which a lie is a lot more merciful and sensible than the cold truth. I think swingers should be just as unjudgmental themselves as they would like vanilla people to be.

You're absolutely right. Why should one sacrifice oneself and be abysmally unhappy for the rest of one's married life? However I very strongly disagree that "sometimes you don't have the choice". You always have a choice. Poeple are not born married. We are not children who are trapped in an abusive situation that we cannot escape from. And if one party is suffering mental, emotional, verbal or physical abuse, they need to get the hell out of that poisonous relationship anyway. What the hell is the point of being married anyway? Is it to make the marriage last as many years as you can tolerate one another?? I believe in quality over quantity. Work on the quality, and the quantity will come of its own accord. Marriage is overprescribed in my opinion; no one takes it seriously anymore. There are the ones who believe that marriage is "until death do us part [or until we change our minds]", the ones who say "for better or worse, until death do us part [no matter how unhealthy and miserable it makes us]", and then there are the ones who wish they had more than one lifetime, because one just isn't long enough. I'm proud to say Mr. and I are in that last category. It's rare and wonderful.

If someone feels so constrained and unhappy in their marriage, they need to communicate that to their spouse, BEFORE they take matters into their own hands. And looking at the situation from the "Golden Rule" viewpoint, I think given the choice between being lied to in order to "protect me" from reality or being given the dignity of making an informed decision, I'd take the latter any day and twice on Sunday. This is not us being judgmental; this is just common sense. This is treating other people like the adults they are and not babysitting them. It's respecting your own needs without treading on anyone else's. Yeah, reality can sure sting. It's not fun to find out that, no, you and your spouse do not get along and never will. But if that is the absolute truth, why would you waste your life hiding your head in the sand avoiding it? It will all come out in the end, anyway. And then how stupid do you feel, having wasted so much time 'settling' for an unsatisfactory life? You don't get a do-over in real life. Make it count.

Bottom line? Cheaters are cheaters and they don't have an excuse that's good enough in my book. Each person is responsible for their own happiness.

P.S.>> I have posted so many times on this subject, I think I've said all there is for me to say on it. Therefore, this post is not the beginning of an argument. I have no interest in taking up Julie's valuable server space with my redundancies.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by intuition897

P.S.>> I have posted so many times on this subject, I think I've said all there is for me to say on it. Therefore, this post is not the beginning of an argument. I have no interest in taking up Julie's valuable server space with my redundancies.

Yeah - after a while, you just kind of get tired of bopping the same mole...

I feel the same way - and this subject always gets my hackles up. But - you can only bang your head against the same wall for so long before you move on.

But - as long as there is a swinging community - there will be cheaters who see us as a convenient "fix" to their marital cowardice. So... I'll see you next week

Same bat-topic, same bat-response...

Spoomonkey

[Atilla]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I would think if they are not swingers and he really is allowed to play alone, it would open up a whole can of trouble in the future. I don't know of any relationships like that. Now I do know of several swing couples that one member of the couple is allowed to play alone and the other has no desire to. But, I think this different because most of the time they are in the lifestyle together.

So I would believe that A) he is lying or B) he has her permission but it will blow-up in his (and someone else's) face eventually. Either way, good reasons to steer clear of this guy.

Mr. WS

This is my point exactly. I think he's lying and I'm sorry to all who have open relationships but the warning bells are going off here. There are alot of people who lie about their situations out there. We've met everything from this type of guy to picture collectors. I really don't want to get in the middle of a person's marriage whether it's already gone sour and have his wife coming head hunting. This is just a place I don't want to venture to. So, to stay safe, we're staying clear of this one.

Wow, I've been gone for a bit because of a move. I'm amazed at all the responses and the debate that's has come up with this thread. My first response was, "Holy Shit"

There is some awesome comments here and far too many to quote. Thanks for the input.

[grabbyzz]

I am a married male who plays alone. One of the first things I tell them is that I am married and play alone, that she knows and that they are more than welcome to meet her in person. Never had problems.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by grabbyzz

I am a married male who plays alone. One of the first things I tell them is that I am married and play alone, that she knows and that they are more than welcome to meet her in person. Never had problems.

Whenever this topic comes up, there is inevitibly a lot of defensive accusations that swingers are 'intolerant' of others' choices. I'd have to agree that yes, as a group, we are intolerant of dishonesty. Anyone who displays dishonesty in any way shape or form drops right off our 'playdar'; it's a real turn-off.

However, situations like grabbyzz' don't fall into the dishonest category, so there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that particular couple's play-style. Some couples still prefer to avoid married-playing-single because they feel it may become too complicated (? I'm guessing), but it's simply a preference, not intolerance.

[Atilla]

I'm guessing that what it all comes down to is a matter of personal preference. In my original post, I couldn't understand how the wife could just let her husband go out and screw whoever so long as he let her know where she was. Is that her personal preference though? or is their love life so tired that she just doesn't want to waste the energy anymore trying to make him happy and she's given him permission to go elsewhere to be satisfied?

Several couples here have posted that they do go seperate ways. That's fine, but in my original post, he does but she doesn't. So this is different from you people. He getting some but she isn't. Why? does she not have interest in being with other people, is she just tired and fed up trying to keep him satisfied that she's told him to go elsewhere, or does she actually get something out of this arrangement?

Regardless, we stay far, far away from this just cause we don't know the total circumstances behind the situation and we don't want to get involved in something that could get nasty.

Bottom line? it's a matter of personal preference, am I correct?

The fact is that whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, cheating is a way of life for far more couples than swinging is.

I sooooo agree with this comment.

I am one of those guys that plays alone, and yes my wife does know all about it and encourages me to find someone. You see in this lifestyle, I believe we've all met people that get pleasure from different things. For my wife, it's me telling her about an encounter that I've had with another couple or female. (I guess you could say that she swings vicariously through my swinging.)

Are you sure of that???? I would question this being that I am a female. You know how it is, we say one thing but mean a totally different thing. You may have taken it for what she said but I would have my doubts.