How do I bring up swinging to women I date without getting dumped?

[Boyd72]

All the women I have dated before dump me when I bring up the idea of swinging. Is there a better way to bring it up, or do I just have to keep looking for the right person?

[EternallySingle]

Easy answer is that you just have to keep looking for the right person. Reality Check answer is that if you are serious about a relationship you shouldn't bring up having sex with another woman before she has agreed to listen to everything you say in a non-judgemental way. There is NO easy way to bring up sex, period. You have to just put it out there. But it is best not to put it out there until you know she is ready to hear it. Even if its a fantasy of hers, until she is ready to share you with other women, you are just being an immature pig that wants her to perform for your pleasure. Or at least thats what bisexual women who enjoy FMF 3somes have told me they feel about guys bringing up the subject too soon in the relationship. Guess how a straight woman would feel?

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by EternallySingle

Easy answer is that you just have to keep looking for the right person.

Dito

But - I'd like to add a bit - you need to decide if you are looking for a "swing partner" or a "life partner". If you are looking for a swing partner, you need to realize two important things:

1. It is the minority of women who are really interested in trying the swing scene. Sure - lots of women fantasize about group sex, but most just aren't interested in going through with it. So - you are fishing a big pond with few fish...

2. The bank of said fishing pond is very, very crowded... A single woman interested in swinging has the shelf-life of about two and a half minutes. Before she posts her ad, she's got three replies. They are just tough to find... And the single guy who finds one should feel like he won the lottery!

If you are looking for a "life partner" - someone that you can love and live with, inside and outside of swinging, then you need to make sure you have your priorities in order. Swinging should probably be low on the priority list, IMHO, below things like "easy to talk to" and "likes playing air hockey".

I was able to bring up swinging successfully with my wife not because I am smooth and clever (those are side issues ). I was able to bring it up because we had all of the important stuff in place first - trust, friendship, a lust for each other, etc.

Swinging is so much easier to bring up when you have a table of trust to lay it out on.

Spoomonkey

[curiousagain]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Dito

But - I'd like to add a bit - you need to decide if you are looking for a "swing partner" or a "life partner". If you are looking for a swing partner, you need to realize two important things:

1. It is the minority of women who are really interested in trying the swing scene. Sure - lots of women fantasize about group sex, but most just aren't interested in going through with it. So - you are fishing a big pond with few fish...

2. The bank of said fishing pond is very, very crowded... A single woman interested in swinging has the shelf-life of about two and a half minutes. Before she posts her ad, she's got three replies. They are just tough to find... And the single guy who finds one should feel like he won the lottery!

If you are looking for a "life partner" - someone that you can love and live with, inside and outside of swinging, then you need to make sure you have your priorities in order. Swinging should probably be low on the priority list, IMHO, below things like "easy to talk to" and "likes playing air hockey".

I was able to bring up swinging successfully with my wife not because I am smooth and clever (those are side issues ). I was able to bring it up because we had all of the important stuff in place first - trust, friendship, a lust for each other, etc.

Swinging is so much easier to bring up when you have a table of trust to lay it out on.

Spoomonkey

well said.

There is an old saying, "You can send a message around the world in a fraction of a second , but it often takes years to get through that last quarter inch of skull"

Another is "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"

Successful couples try to tell us single guys the same thing over and over, but we often take a long time to understand it.
Like many others, I originally "searched" or "hoped for" a single female who was a swinger. I had heard the advice
of couples many times and thought I understood it. But, I had an epiphany one night at a restaurant/bar.

I had met a swinging couple I know for a late supper and a beer at a local place. No playing planned, just getting together for a drink and some food, we'd all had a busy couple of weeks and needed a little unwinding time with friends. We were sitting at the bar and I ordered my usual ribeye and Corona and they got a huge plate of snacks to share and a couple of drinks. We were talking and eating and I was dividing my attention between conversation with them, the ESPN updates on the TV's and women who appeared to be without escort in the bar area where we were. I was watching the highlights and me and the guy were exchanging comments about them when I looked around. He was feeding her. Then she put a piece of food in his mouth and sometimes in between bites they would have a quick "pecking kiss". Nothing really sexy about it. They were acting like two lovebirds though. The care, the love, the thoughtfullness in their casual exchanges of conversation and food, all the while engaging me in conversation. All of it was natural and without forethought on their part. This after 20 years together. I realized something had finally just burned a hole in my skull and gotten through.

I asked them to tell me again about how they got into swinging, why, how long it took etc. They patiently explained it all again. It was so familiar, I had heard it many times on the board and in person, but now I was understanding it. He had brought it up, she shot it down with big guns, was actually mad about it for awhile. The usual conversations, maybe, maybe not, etc. etc. The kicker and what finally was the "selling point" for her. She finally believed that he truly loved her and swinging sex would just be about the sex and not love and most importantly he would not think less of her or love her less for swinging.

"So," I said, "it boiled down to trust. Trust in each other's love and that meant swinging, not swinging, swinging and deciding not to swing again, whatever happened, the love and trust would be unchanged." "yes" they both said. I sat back and killed the Corona. I finally understood. He started laughing and told her "I think he just got it".

Swinging is possible in a relationship only after a lot of other criteria have been met and satisfied. You can't base a relationship on swinging. That is putting the cart before the horse and trust me, a horse with a cart in front of it is going nowhere. A cart behind a horse unburdened with baggage can travel a hell of a lot of places though.

Oh yeah, how long between him first bringing it up and their first swing?? SEVEN YEARS. Now, that is persistence or patience, or maybe both. But, he certainly didn't stay with her because she would swing with him. She finally realized he was going to stay even if she didn't and in that case, he would stay with her if she did.

Keep talking to us, couples. Some of us are a little slower than others, but we will all get it eventually.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Keep talking to us, couples. Some of us are a little slower than others, but we will all get it eventually.

CA...thanks for sharing that story, it was great...you definitely get it.

Teresa

[Amy Blue]

I can only speak for myself...but the word "swinging" in itself caused a knee-jerk reaction on my side the first time my partner suggested it. A reaction as in "EWW, NO WAY, EVER!"

I'm wondering if there isn't a more delicate way to approach it. I just hate that word and all its negative connotations. I always envision cheesy lounge-lizard guys and trashy truck-stop women. I wonder if some other gals might not feel the same way.

When we quit using that term altogether, I found I was more receptive to the concept. It's tough to talk about it without using *that* word, but it can be done.

But first of all, I say if you find a woman who is your match in every other way, be cautious in your approach and wait until you are well and truly bonded as a couple, before you propose bringing strangers into your bed.

[curious49251]

Originally Posted by Amy Blue

But first of all, I say if you find a woman who is your match in every other way, be cautious in your approach and wait until you are well and truly bonded as a couple, before you propose bringing strangers into your bed.

Wonderful point! I think that is the key. I don't believe you can just go "shopping' for a woman who will be into it. It is our opinion that you need to connect at a higher emotional level before anything involving swinging can take place. If you are asking this question on the first or second date, it just looks like you are more interested in sex than actually being a couple. I think you're putting the cart before the horse.

Good luck in your search!

[EternallySingle]

I rarely use the term with people I don't KNOW are swingers. I simply describe some of my experiences, and let them ask all the typical questions ("Do you really like doing that?", "Do you still do that?", "Don't you ever feel used?", "Why would you be looking for a girlfriend if you had friends you have sex with?", "And everyone says you don't like sex. Why do you pretend to be one way in public and another in private?") If I never say "swinging", I'm just talking about the voyeuristic couple where the wife picked me up at the bank and the husband video taped everything from the closet, the girlfriend that always knew where to find orgies, and the clubs where they had live sex shows, not that I was a 'Swinger'. Of course, they know thats what I am, but if I don't say it, they don't have to go "Eeewww, another Leisure Suit Larry wannabe".

By not mentioning swinging by name, I'm simply someone that has a sexual past thats a little on the darkside, and that they may or may not be something she wants to explore later. By using the terms swinging or 'in the Lifestyle', I'm not looking for a girlfriend but just another sex toy, which may be a turn on for a few weeks, but she'll eventually look for someone thats just a player, not someone that makes a habit out of getting set up with other men's wives. Or worse, become involved with someone that wants her to do other men.

[JonnyBlaze]

i guess you just have to know the girl to know when to bring it up. when i did, my problem wasnt her getting mad, first i had to convince her it wasnt a test and i wouldnt be mad if she said yeah. 3 years later we finally had our first mfm. she actually wanted to do a girl first so we tried that but it didnt go so well. the experience with the guy couldnt have gone better, besides maybe getting more things done i wanted

[couplers]

Hi, this is Petra. Sorry for kicking an old thread, but I came across this and had to respond.

If you get to the point where you love someone, then you are willing to give them things without an expectation that you will get something back. (For all the backwardness of my parents, I realize that this is something they taught me by example, although it took into my twenties to fully sink in.) My husband was the same way. When we were dating and becoming emotionally serious as a couple, he told me that my continuing involvement with my ex-bf Red was mine to have for as long as I wanted it. Period. No conditions, no rules, no hide the details or disclose the details, no "only if you let me watch" just, "I want you to be happy." When you find someone you truly love this is what you need to offer your potential mate - your open, loving attitude toward giving her (not you) sexual freedom and fulfillment. Then see if it takes root and what her response is. If she rejects an unselfish offer made in love (and it should really be unselfish), then she is not the one for you. If she is accepting, then at some point she should demonstrate her love for you as well in a similar, although not necessarily in exactly the same way. It took me several years to warm up to sharing hubby with other women, but from his example I understood the joy of giving sexual freedom and variety to him as well.


Swinging can be just sex - satisfying the basic, deep carnal desires we have. But in a loving relationship that is something to be given to the one you love, not demanded or even expected in return.

[SecretAsianMan]

I was rather fortunate and a couple of the gals I'm currently "dating" have had prior experience in swinging and are not opposed to doing it again.

How was it brought up?

One of the gals was a friend whom I've known for a few years prior to any "dates" - and she and I used to tell stories about our experiences.

The other gal & I - while out on our first date, tossed back-n-forth the whole "well, what would YOU like to do?" -question. And I gave her the full spectrum of options ... letting her know that I'd be up for anything from really tame "G-rated" activities to "things which you probably wouldn't write home to your mother about" -- and that pretty much opened the door to our past swing experiences.

[ratimadan]

Originally Posted by Boyd72

All the women I have dated before dump me when I bring up the idea of swinging. Is there a better way to bring it up, or do I just have to keep looking for the right person?

In our humble opinion, your approach to get your gf to swing is counterproductive. For married couples like us, a strong and loving marital relationship comes first. Having established that trust in each other, one can bring up the topic of enriching the sexual life for both partners by swinging, that is, playing with and exchanging mates with another couple/s for variety of social, and, particularly sexual activities, sexual intercourse with someone other than your own mate, included. Swinging is also about her sexual pleasure and not your's (the male) alone. Most women are not inherently averse to experiencing sexual play and intercourse with someone other than her bf or hubby. She does need to be properly and lovingly approached, in a nonthreatening way, so that swinging as recreational sex with other partners is perceived as something a couple does, and particularly with her active participation, enjoys together. Our advise is to first establish a great relationship with your gf that includes great social and sexual intercourse with her, before your approach her to swing or swap mates with another couple for play and sex.

[magnum]

Originally Posted by Boyd72

All the women I have dated before dump me when I bring up the idea of swinging. Is there a better way to bring it up, or do I just have to keep looking for the right person?

Unless you meet them through mutual swinging friends I say good luck not getting dumped. Hard to find a swinger when you start in a vanila relationship. Not impossible but very difficult.

[fun4Ds]

I can't imagine being single (so, keep that in mind)

Hypothetically: I couldn't imagine any woman I had dated over two weeks not saying,

DUDE ! Are you a swinger ?

[CXXC]

Originally Posted by Boyd72

All the women I have dated before dump me when I bring up the idea of swinging. Is there a better way to bring it up, or do I just have to keep looking for the right person?

Do it like I did when I met Mrs. CXXC. I told her from the very beginning, even before we started having sex, that I believed sex was different when between a husband and wife or just recreational. To me, it is exercise. Mrs. CXXC stayed with me, eventually married me and we have been happy these 14 years. I must say, we didnt start swinging until 2 years ago!