sexual history, yours and theirs

[curiousagain]

Since this is the singles and swinging forum, I thought this would be a good place. Those of us who are single and swinging are also dating non swingers.
Now, oftentimes in a relationship there comes a time where one or both of you want to know the others sexual past.

WHY????
What does it matter???
As Chris Rock said, "you ain't plantin' no flag!" "Just be glad you're gettin' it now"

Why do you want to know?
Why would you want to tell?
Would you tell all?
Would you think the other person is telling all?
If you really love this person does it matter???

[EternallySingle]

For me, its not about what she says, but is she willing to say it. Since most of the women I date have kids, I know they've had sex with at least one man. More often than not, I know they've had sex with two or three specific men. Since I live in a small group of communities (all 6 communities have less than 50,000 people combined) I practically know everyone, or at least know everyone I might have a chance at dating.

So, its not about who she says she has slept with, but who she will admit to sleeping with. And it only matters when it comes down to how honest she is with me. I caught one ex-girlfriend with a good friend of mine once. My car broke down and his house was closest, so I walked there and saw them when I went to knock on his window for help. The next day I asked her about it and she swore she couldn't stand the guy and wouldn't be caught dead with him. When I told her about the night before, she called me a liar, then a snoop, and several other names. But she never admitted that she slept with him. Of course, now its a big joke around the community how noone can keep a secret from me.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Since this is the singles and swinging forum, I thought this would be a good place. Those of us who are single and swinging are also dating non swingers.
Now, oftentimes in a relationship there comes a time where one or both of you want to know the others sexual past.

WHY????
What does it matter???
Why do you want to know?

It took being married 30 years before I got my questions answered. And when he started talking, WOW! was that a magical day!

When I was dating Mr LM he never opened up about his sexual experience with women. I wasn't asking for names, I just wanted to know how experienced he was and what he had done because 1) I desparately wanted to learn about the world of sex and, 2) I felt most comfortable asking my boyfriend about sex. I didn't even have a girlfriend I could talk to about it!

Yet, he refused.

It can matter a great deal to the future sexual development of a relationship when you openly communicate--at the start--with a woman you are considering as a potential partner.

Had he shared his intimate sexual experiences with me then, it would have been highly erotic for me and I would have matured sexually much sooner...30 years sooner! I know I could have offered him more sexually and enjoyed myself more over the years had he opened up with me back then.

Why would you want to tell?
Would you tell all?
Would you think the other person is telling all?
If you really love this person does it matter???

If I'd had anything to tell, I would have told Mr LM when we were dating. But he was my first and only lover. I think it would have been very arousing to share my experiences with him, had I had them.

Let's jump to the present, say I was single. Would I tell all? No. I don't think either person has to tell all. But becoming bashful about sex talk because you're moving out of swinging and into a steady vanilla relationship makes no sense to me.

I think it is terribly backwards to think that now, if I would ever be single, I'd want to hide some of the best parts about my life--my sexual parts. If I was falling in love again I'd want my next partner to be comfortable with my views about sex, to include my past with swinging.

To you single males: I sure hope you don't forget all you've learned about the importance of communication. If when you stop swinging--because you're getting serious about a woman--you decide to hide your sexual past, that would be a real shame. I think it would be counterproductive to creating the most fulfilling sexual relationship possible with a person you love.

LM

[curiousagain]

I was thinking of just giving generalities, no specifics. I believe when it comes time for "the talk" I will tell I have experience in swinging, but no specifics, no numbers, etc.

I think that projects too many mental images for most women or men for that matter to handle. I was just wondering because some people seem so hung up on it and the last serious relationship I had got majorly screwed when someone else told her about my single past. So, I figure better to hear it from me than someone else, but I am not giving up details.

At this point, what "first" could me an another person with similar background do?? standing up in a hammock???

Just wondered what other people thought

[Purple]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

standing up in a hammock???

Thanks so much, I needed that mental picture.

As a married, it helped me a lot to have a general knowledge of what exp my husband had befoer he met me. I was told very early that I am number 373.

Most days I think it would have been better if he had not shared QUITE that much, but to know it was quite a few would have been fine.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Purple

I was told very early that I am number 373

Jeeee-zusss! 373?!? Assuming he started when he was 15, he would have had to make one new conquest almost every week, with no repeats, and no time off for work, holidays, or final exams. And much of this was taking place during the AIDS panic of the 90's, when former disco-belles and snow queens wouldn't give a guy a decent hand job until the third date?

Damn...I'm twice his age, came of age during the sexual revolution, partied my ass off through the disco era, and moved to the midwest before anybody here had even heard of AIDS, and I'm still not quite to 100. 'Course, I was married for a lot of that time, but still...

Tell us more about your husband. What kind of breakfast cereal does he eat? What brand of cologne does he wear? How many birth-control "mishaps" is he paying child-support on, and is he pretty good at math? I mean, can he add a column of 1 and 2 digit numbers and usually get the correct sum, or does he sometimes make a mistake and accidently add, oh, say 300, to the answer?

[funtoplay]

Actually, Mr. Funtoplay and I have been extremely honest with each other. He knows my past, and I know his. I had no problems sharing this info with him, as I am not embarassed by my past (that's not saying I haven't got a skeleton or two, but he knows about them) and neither is he. That's part of what has made our relationship so great. And has allowed us to enjoy the lifestyle to the fullest. We are open with each other, and we have no major secrets.

[Botcpl]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

WHY????
What does it matter???


Why do you want to know?
Why would you want to tell?
Would you tell all?
Would you think the other person is telling all?
If you really love this person does it matter???

If you don't know why, there really isn't much of a point in explaning it, now is there?

P

[curiousagain]

Well, I think I know why some non swingers would, but swingers??

[CLITFRIEND]

Do you know why cops check every "Rap" sheet of every person they arrest--or investigate? To see if their is a history of behavior that follows a pattern and see if the patterns continues, or if they could at least have the probabilty more then not of committing whatever it is they are being investigated for. Do you think the accused have an opportunity to ask the cops "Why do you want to know that stuff???"

I do not think so!

[todesireu]

According to some research I did, 20-40% of people will lie about their sexual history. Perhaps it is best to assume no one is going to tell you everything and use condoms always. The absolute number isn't all that important, but how risky their behaviors are.

[northindycpl]

I think that sharing your openess about sex is important and what sexual values you may have. I don't think it is important to tell how many partners you have had. I think it is incredibly immature and lacks the kind of intelligence I personally find attractive in a mate. If how many partners I have had matters to a potential mate, then appearantly My personality, wit, charm and general Je Ne Sais Quoi don't!

I heard a good line in a movie last week- "...this could be your last first kiss, ever. Make it a good one"

With you focusing on the new and exciting relationship ahead, and the techniques you have learned over careful experiences, as a woman- I wouldn't care if I was your number 2,367! Afterall, there may never be a 2,368!

When I met hubby I was 17, already had a 2yr old son, and the first time we did it was the first time I had ever had an orgasm. So he asked what kind of selfish losers had I been with? Me being very young and embarassed that I had more partners under my belt than he did, we had a long talk, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Even now hubby and I are very open with each other about what we want and like in the bedroom, to please each other.
gosh, I feel like I striped down naked right here in front of you all.

[JustAskJulie]

I don't ask. And I wouldn't tell unless I was getting really serious with someone. While I was dating around or whatever you want to call it, I was seeing more than one guy at once pretty much constantly and any guy I went out with knew I wasn't just seeing him, and if we were sleeping together they were told (over and over again) that it did not mean anything and it was JUST sex - don't get attached.

I'm not going to ask a guy about his history simply because I don't really care to share mine, not that I'm ashamed but it's really none of their business that I can't remember how many guys I've had sex with (sorry I forgot to put the notches in the bedpost).

That said, the guy I am now seeing and have been for over a year, is a guy I've known half my life. He's also a guy I was seeing/fucking while I was seeing several others - and he knew it. He actually knew a lot more than any of the other guys I saw just because we were really good friends above everything else. When we talked about sexual histories it was just because we were talking and somehow it came to that, it wasn't because anyone asked anyone else.

I guess when it comes down to it, if you are really serious about someone then yes they should know the basics of your history and what you've been involved with. And if they can't handle it then that is their problem, and a good way for you to know that it's time to cut your losses. But, that doesn't mean they need an exact count.

37 (someone please get that reference) - my bf loves to joke on me about my past and that reference comes up often with us. At least he doesn't call me FingerCuffs. Gotta love Kevin Smith.

[EternallySingle]

I guess my first answer was a little off the mark, based on the replies I've read.

I always tell the women I date a little about my sexual history, and a little more over time depending on how much they tell me about their personal life. Since I have no real tragedies to share and very few regrets, the only secrets I have are what I've done in bed (and the kitchen, and the lake, and the hospital parking lot) with different people. Since I'm seen as the nerdy, quiet, stay at home guy, it helps to get the sexual stuff out of the way. That way they aren't too shocked when I bring out the egg beaters and inversion table.

I've scared more women off that way, but one actually stayed around, even after learning about the threesomes and figuring out that happened at a sex club, but bolted when I said I wanted to be more than friends. Oh, well. Sometimes its not the sex that scares them away, but the other stuff. Being willing to talk about sex, I've found, is a great way to ease into talking about more painful stuff and getting that into the open and getting over it.

Someone not willing to do that after three or four months (let alone three years) is best left at the "he/she's just a friend" aisle and you should move on to someone else. If there is not enough trust to talk about sex (even when she coyly invites you to stay the night, and "you won't have to sleep on the couch"), you can't talk about anything REALLY important.