Question for the ladies - How do you expect single males to act?

[curious24]

For those of you that do not know I am a single male. It's tough out here however, in the past few months I've come up with a set of rules. I'd like to get feedback from the ladies and the guys that have all the luck with them

The rules I've come up with are...

1) If a woman is checking me out I make the best effort to speak to her.
2) Try not to worry about the "situation" that I am in at the moment.
3) Be aggressive towards her but not so much it's a turn off.
4) Practice Practice Practice!

I'm assuming that the ladies like it when a guy is cofident and approaches them?

Now specifically speaking in terms of swinging. Say a single guy is at a swing party. How is he expected to act? Is he expected to hang out by the bar and just wait? Or is he expected to speak to other women using the rules above?

help!

[JennyMac]

Are you referring to single females or married ones?

Personally, being a married female myself. I would like eye contact with me to let me know you are interested and then approach both of us shaking hands with my husband and introducing yourself to him first, then me... etc.... but I'm a Southern girl... I like to feel like I am respected and, to me, that shows an honest respect for my marriage, my spouse and me all at the same time

I am sure I will get disagreed with on some point above, but I think your rules are a good start anyway.

Jenn

[good times]

Originally Posted by curious24

I'm assuming that the ladies like it when a guy is cofident and approaches them?

I'm not a lady but I do have some advice based on our experiances of being approached by single males at the club. I would say your assumtion is basically correct, the only thing I would add is if the lady is part of a couple approach them when they are together. While it isn't always the case most women don't like it when they head to the bar to get a drink or go to the ladies room and get ambushed by the single males. The only reason I mention this is that it happens a lot and it usually doesn't produce results.

Originally Posted by curious24

Now specifically speaking in terms of swinging. Say a single guy is at a swing party. How is he expected to act?

Respectfull and friendly, you should be open and not afraid to introduce yourself to couples but not pushy or overbearing. A sense of humor is a plus, and of course you should be well groomed and dressed nicely.

Originally Posted by curious24

Is he expected to hang out by the bar and just wait? Or is he expected to speak to other women using the rules above?

Depends on the club or party, some of them have rules regarding how single males are to conduct themselves in which case you would do well to abide by them. In the case of clubs with no specific rules you should mingle and mix in just like you would in any other gathering.

You didn't ask, but their are a couple of things that you should avoid doing if you don't want to be lumped in with the guys that are generally avoided. The first and most important is don't touch a women unless you specifically ask first, we see more guys toosed out of the club for this than anything else. The second most common mistake we see is guys that lurk or hoover, nothing pisses my wife and I off more when we go to the club on nights when singles are allowed, than to have some guy follow us around like a lost dog, if the couple is interested in you, they will usually include you right away or not at all. If you approach a couple and they don't seem interested in you, don't take it personal, nobody hooks up with every person they approach.

Hope this helps, as you have probably noticed if you read the board much we haven't included any single males yet. I won't say we never will, but it isn't something we are looking for. I think because of that we experiance a lot more of the mistakes single males make in their approach than someone who is going to the club looking for single males. And even though we don't play with single males we have met a few at the clubs who approached us and we visited with and subsequently introduced them to couples that they were able to play with, so even if a couple isn't interested in you, if your are friendly and curteous to them it may lead to an encounter anyway.

[JustAskJulie]

I have to agree with JennyMac.

A lot of it also comes down to the rules of the club you are at. Some clubs require that you not do the approaching at all. Just because a woman is checking you out (even in a swing club) doesn't mean that she's going to fuck you or even that she's interested in playing with a single male - she just might think you are hot.

Can you explain what you meant with this part:

2) Try not to worry about the "situation" that I am in at the moment.

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by curious24

3) Be aggressive towards her but not so much it's a turn off.

Curious, I applaud you for this post!It shows me that you are doing your homework- and that is a great thing!

I have to agree with the other comments recieved so far. I wanted to talk to you about this statement. I think aggressive is a bad way. Assertive would be better. IMHO, any single man that is even remotely aggressive is out.

I would also recommend to you to become involved, somewhat, in whatever club you attend. Don't Stand by the bar, mingle with people. Maybe even talk to a single lady. It is also good (I think) to familiarize yourself with the members, so they can get to know you. Visit the clubs yahoo group, website, etc. Sometimes our club will have a membership drive- thats a lot of fun. There isn't any sex that night, but it is a chance to meet a lot of people and for them to get to know you. Ususally they are free, and you can also purchase discount memberships. Theyare held on Thursday nights, and the following weekend is fantastic!

I think the biggest things that we look for in a man-either single or coupled are- manners, intelligence, humor, dress, assertiveness.

Do not walk around in a towel- ever, or talk about your dick!

I hope my post helped! I think you are on the right track!

[curious24]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I have to agree with JennyMac.

A lot of it also comes down to the rules of the club you are at. Some clubs require that you not do the approaching at all. Just because a woman is checking you out (even in a swing club) doesn't mean that she's going to fuck you or even that she's interested in playing with a single male - she just might think you are hot.

Can you explain what you meant with this part:

The "situation" well at the time I made the rule I was "seeing" someone but not really "seeing" them. I actually didn't know what to make or think of the "relationship" I was in so I didn't act. Although now I think I should have done something. I tend to think with my head on my shoulders not in my pants. I'm thinking that maybe the "situation" is sometimes bigger in my head than it really is. That's why I put that in my rule set.

[curious24]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

Curious, I applaud you for this post!It shows me that you are doing your homework- and that is a great thing!

Thanks so much! Everyone on here is so great! It always amazes me when I post the exact same thing on other forums the rude responces I almost always get. hm

I have to agree with the other comments recieved so far. I wanted to talk to you about this statement. I think aggressive is a bad way. Assertive would be better. IMHO, any single man that is even remotely aggressive is out.

Assertive! That's it! I need to be more assertive than aggressive. But how would I be more assertive with offending? Not only am I'm interested in this advice for the swinging lifestyle but also just in my normal life when I see women out and about.

I would also recommend to you to become involved, somewhat, in whatever club you attend. Don't Stand by the bar, mingle with people. Maybe even talk to a single lady. It is also good (I think) to familiarize yourself with the members, so they can get to know you. Visit the clubs yahoo group, website, etc. Sometimes our club will have a membership drive- thats a lot of fun. There isn't any sex that night, but it is a chance to meet a lot of people and for them to get to know you. Ususally they are free, and you can also purchase discount memberships. Theyare held on Thursday nights, and the following weekend is fantastic!

You know I went to a cool bar today and I tried "mingling" with this one girl and she was very rude to me. I don't get it. Granted she doesn't know me and I don't know her. I have a lot of friends I'm a nice guy so why be rude? I get that more than anything when I approach a woman and it just doesn't make sense to me grr.

I think the biggest things that we look for in a man-either single or coupled are- manners, intelligence, humor, dress, assertiveness.

Well if I could get over the hump of people actually writing me back I think I could show them all of this. However, it's very hard just to get any kind of reply back from anyone anywhere any time. er.

Do not walk around in a towel- ever, or talk about your dick!

trust me i would never lol

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by curious24

Well if I could get over the hump of people actually writing me back I think I could show them all of this. However, it's very hard just to get any kind of reply back from anyone anywhere any time. er.


trust me i would never lol

First and foremost, have a good idea that the person you approach is interested in single men. That probably means trying to talk to the men when they aren't around their wives and are less likely to feel overprotective. While its best to wait for them to approach you, in the real world, that will rarely happen except for, again, the diehard MFM fans. The way to find them is to strike up conversations with the staff. I know when I used to go to the clubs in Seattle, Tacoma, Portland, and Vancouver, I wouldn't even talk to anyone the first hour except the bartenders, bouncers, and waitresses. Why? They know all the regulars and will introduce single women to nice single men. In one club I went to every other Friday night, the waitress brought me a Rum-n-Coke with two cherries and a straw between the cherries. About five minutes later, she brought two women to sit with me. That was a fun night.

It wouldn't have been half as fun if I tried to approach the two women myself, though. They were both gorgeous and guys were hitting on them from the time they walked in the door to the time the waitress guided them to my table. It helped that I was feeling ... extravagant and had on my best silk shirt, polished my Stacy Addams, and was wearing a brand new pair of pinstriped slacks. I looked like money and had the attention of two beautiful women most of the night (and one the rest of the weekend) all because the staff liked me.

In any club situation, getting in good with the staff is WAY more important than getting in good with the patrons. The staff knows who likes what, who is looking for what on a particular night (especially the women...they seem to talk by flipping hair and batting eyelashes as much as with words), and who can give it to them. I believe that in a swing club, the staff can more easily point you in the direction of couples looking for an extra male, or even the extremely rare single woman looking for one.

But my experience in swing clubs is limited to a few months in Germany and three clubs in the Pacific Northwest. I haven't enjoyed my time at a club in 10 years and stopped going eight years ago. I'm just talking about what works at non-swing clubs, bars, and coffee shops.

hey, thats an idea. A coffee shop that caters to swingers. Maybe a members only room for meet-n-greets? hmmmm

[northindycpl]

I read your reply post, and can offer these suggestions:

-I think you may have more success at a swingers club that allows single men. I am sure you can find one in your area, and I would recommend getting to know the hosts. Perhaps setting up a time to meet them prior to joining. Most clubs also have a group forum online that you can join to get to know people.

You are absolutely right that you are probably not going to get a ton of response immediately. People need to get to know you, but once they do, word travels fast.

If you go the club route, remember that it isn't for you to get to know them, it is for them to get to know you. What I have noticed, and this is my observation, is that single guys are given one shot at the club. That is your time to make that good impression. Once it is made, the regular couples will get to know you, word will spread on what a gentlemen you are, or how much fun you are,and you are in. It isn't immediate and it takes some work. But the payoff is great if you make it!

-When you meet the club owners, ask them about their club. Learn all you can about the lay of the land. Don't come on to them, but instead, get to know them too. If you get to know them, they will introduce you to the regulars, and then again your in. The club owners what to know that you are a stand-up guy, and even if you are new to the lifestyle, that you know the rules and conduct yourself in a civilized manner. How a man behaves in a bar setting is much different than how he will behave after a couple drinks, watching 4, half-dressed women dance with each other. When you are a gentlemen in everysetting you will become a asset instead of a liability.

-Mingle, Mingle, Mingle. I hate to walk into my club and see single guys sitting alone at a table drinking and watching. Funny how those guys are also the ones standing in hallways later on wrangling their worms, or grouping passer-bys! If you can't walk up to a table of 6 couples chatting and having fun, and make pleasant converstation, then you aren't going to make it. Assertiveness is the key. If I were you, I would just go up and introduce yourself politely, ask if you may join them and see where it goes. They may say no, and they may say yes. But get invloved. Go to the club with the only expectation that you are going to make some friends and have a good time.

-Don't play, wonder the halls, or oogle if you aren't asked. This is the biggest rule that I see broken the most often. This is what transforms you from gentleman to 'creepy single guy' If you haven't been asked to go in the back, don't go. I personally think it shows that a guy has a lot of respect, and didn't show up just to get laid. I personally look for this behavior and am impressed by it. I would never even consider a hallwalker as a playmate.

It sounds like you have the right attitude. You just need to take what you have learned and go for it. If you make a mistake, learn from it and move on.

[EternallySingle]

Side note:

The difference between assertive and aggressive is whether or not you approach the situation with the mindset of "I'm going to take advantage of every opportunity" or "I'm going to turn this situation into one I can take advantage of". When it comes to relationships of any kind, some people prefer men who are aggressive over men that are assertive. It allows them to act as wantonly as they want and not take responsibility for their actions ( "He was so aggressive, but really sexy at the same time. I lost myself and just did whatever he asked. It was fun, but you know I would never do that normally." )

[VegasLee]

As a couple that plays mostly with single guys I will agree with most of the replies here so far.

One thing though, when Laura is at the Bar or in the Restroom don't come asking me about her. I am not her pimp and I do not make decesions for her or set guys up for her. That is not my position in life. If you want to come over to our table and talk to me and then also talk with her when she gets back to the table great but it is not best to start asking me about her and what she wants.

Many times she will walk around the club with out me seeing if there is guys that she would like to play with. She might stop and talk to some of them also. When she does this she will almost always end up telling the guys she wants to party with that she is going to go get a drink and for them to meet US back at our table to meet me and go from there. Funny part is some of the guys that wanted to party with her when it was just her don't bother coming over to our table. We are not going to go out and chase you down to party. If she goes as far as telling you to meet her at the table chances are you ARE GOING TO GET LUCKY.

We love to party with single guys but it seems that sometimes they make it so hard to do so.

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

As a couple that plays mostly with single guys I will agree with most of the replies here so far.
...
Many times she will walk around the club with out me seeing if there is guys that she would like to play with. She might stop and talk to some of them also. When she does this she will almost always end up telling the guys she wants to party with that she is going to go get a drink and for them to meet US back at our table to meet me and go from there. Funny part is some of the guys that wanted to party with her when it was just her don't bother coming over to our table. We are not going to go out and chase you down to party. If she goes as far as telling you to meet her at the table chances are you ARE GOING TO GET LUCKY.

We love to party with single guys but it seems that sometimes they make it so hard to do so.

Sounds like a friend of mine. Five foot two, grey, almost silver eyes, 38DD-26-34, long thick brown hair, perfect cheek bones, pouty lips, and basically insatiable. And she complains that the guys that approach her ONLY want sex and are too crude about it to turn her on, but the rest don't seem interested no matter how much interest she shows in them, so she's left with the Neanderthals (sorry to all you cavemen out there...its a figure of speech). It really boils down to this. The average guy will take a chance and approach a woman for sex. He will talk to a woman that approaches him and have sex with her when it 'just happens'. But he's going to start asking questions and start wondering "wha'ts really going on here?" when a woman that should be able to have anyone decides she wants him.

I always say women are strange, but I guess guys are strange too.

[LIZA]

As a woman I would have to say being aggressive or even really being assertive is NOT a good idea, in my opinion.

Single men in general make me uncomfortable because I really am not looking to play with single guys and if they are aggressive/assertive that just means I have to reject them. Not my idea of a fun evening!


You will find most couples either DO or do NOT want single guys, period. Being aggressive is only going to push them away and get you shot down. Just be as appealing and friendly as you can and if they are intersted they will let YOU know

This is not an area where you can get ahead by being pushy or ballsy, it will just make the women and couples who arent into single guys really uncomfortable around you

[Just_us49]

Originally Posted by curious24

You know I went to a cool bar today and I tried "mingling" with this one girl and she was very rude to me. I don't get it. Granted she doesn't know me and I don't know her. I have a lot of friends I'm a nice guy so why be rude? I get that more than anything when I approach a woman and it just doesn't make sense to me grr.

I would ask myself why this is happening? My guess, and it's only a guess, would be the women are picking up that you trying to get something to happen. Try to get into the mindset of "if nothing ever happens with this woman I couldn't care less. If something does happen I would welcome it, but it doesn't matter one way or the other."

A club would probaly be the best place to use this as you can see and mingle with the women/couples over a period of time. Your trying to get them to make a logical decision to let you mingle vs. an emotional reaction to try to get you away from them. Not every situation fits but I'd say most people prefer very low key single guys.

Just my .02 cents.

-D

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by Just_us49

I would ask myself why this is happening? My guess, and it's only a guess, would be the women are picking up that you trying to get something to happen. Try to get into the mindset of "if nothing ever happens with this woman I couldn't care less. If something does happen I would welcome it, but it doesn't matter one way or the other."

A club would probaly be the best place to use this as you can see and mingle with the women/couples over a period of time. Your trying to get them to make a logical decision to let you mingle vs. an emotional reaction to try to get you away from them. Not every situation fits but I'd say most people prefer very low key single guys.

Just my .02 cents.

-D

Thus the paradox. In the vanilla world, very low key single men are men that never get a date, thus are losers. High energy men are the ones everyone likes to be around, and high energy men don't sit and wait to be approached. Its not in their nature. Its Party man(high energy) versus Thinking Man(Low Key), and all men are both, depending on the situation.

Most men either have to be in "Party man" mode or "Thinking man" mode when they socialize. And when they get into any kind of a club situation, "Thinking man" takes a nap. He's just not appropriate in most settings. Thinking man (the one thats low key and cerebral) isn't very outgoing. He's still assertive and confident, but he's not going to go and talk to people just to talk to them. Thats Party Man, and Party Man wants you to know he's there. He may simply come up and say "Hey, here I am, who are you?" and move on, but he's not going to wait for people to approach him.

If you are looking for "Thinking Man" at a swing club, you had better do the looking. When I tried doing the low key thing at swing clubs, I stopped approaching people altogether, and spent very many nights driving home alone.