Question about a single male

[ChasCouple]

Hi all,

In December we met a single guy that we'd chatted with online, and both liked, so we arranged for a 3some that went off quite well for all involved. While we were still chatting/calling, and before we met in person, I asked him what he'd do if the met someone and it became serious. He was passively looking at the time, and he replied that he didn't know if he'd continue in the lifestyle, and that should he meet "THE ONE" he wouldn't want to share with her his extracurricular past, nor would he want her to engage in the lifestyle with him even if she was willing.

He recently informed us that he found someone and hopes we can remain friends, etc, but I get the impression it's a brush off and there's to be no further contact. My question is, am I wrong to be offended by his behavior? Looking back, he basically stated that he he wouldn't want any woman of his to do what we're doing, so did I miss a red flag? I can't help but feel a little used, in that we were a convenient sexual outlet until he found what he really wanted. Any thoughts?

[HeAndDblD]

You said he told you what would happen if he found someone...he did and now he's doing what he said. I don't see anything he did to offend anyone.

As for being a convenient sexual outlet, well, I thought that's pretty much the idea with recreational sex.

[SussexCouple]

Originally Posted by HeAndDblD

You said he told you what would happen if he found someone...he did and now he's doing what he said.

So he was honest to the end. We would have considered that a red flag ourselves. If you feel a bit used then thats what you feel - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

But it is still true that he was honest to the end and you knew his plan of action so now he has taken it you can't really blame him.

C'est la vie

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by ChasCouple

Looking back, he basically stated that he he wouldn't want any woman of his to do what we're doing, so did I miss a red flag? I can't help but feel a little used, in that we were a convenient sexual outlet until he found what he really wanted.

Did he tell you that he wouldn't want a relationship with a woman that swings before you slept with him?

If a man told me that prior to playtime, I wouldn't play with him. If he said something to that effect after we played, I wouldn't be worried about a repeat performance, because I wouldn't want to play with him again.

He was upfront with what his intentions were, I think you're displacing your anger now and getting offended after the fact, because you've been brushed off.

It sucks to be rejected, and it's an easier pill to swallow when we can find reason to be angry.

[Spoomonkey]

I don't know... This is kind of interesting, but I don't think I'd expect a single guy to commit his future wife to the lifestyle - or even commit his future self (a husband). Not everyone can be a swinging husband - it just isn't that easy. It's easy to think about group sex in a nameless, faceless way - but when it hits home, I think it does take a special couple - and by extension a special man.

I am not sure that we'd bring that up when talking to a single - heck, that's not really our business.

I don't think you missed a red flag or that you were used. You met a single (that you liked) for a threesome. He doesn't owe you anymore beyond that than you owe him.

I would like to think that some of our best single friends would remain friends once the lifestyle ended for us or them - for whatever reason. But, they don't really owe it to us.

Good for him that he found someone special - I hope it works out for him!

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

I have to agree that to me him saying that he would not want to be honest with "THE ONE" about his sexual past nor involve her in such things - would be a HUGE red flag. That would say to me - " I think you are a slut and I wouldn't let my woman do what you are doing". Uh uh.

As for the brush off - as others said, he told you upfront that he would drop you like a hot potato should he find someone he wanted to be serious with. Does he really want to stay friends? Probably not, he just wants to keep the door open so that should this one turn out to NOT be "the one" he can come back to you for more free sex.

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I don't know... This is kind of interesting, but I don't think I'd expect a single guy to commit his future wife to the lifestyle - or even commit his future self (a husband). Not everyone can be a swinging husband - it just isn't that easy. It's easy to think about group sex in a nameless, faceless way - but when it hits home, I think it does take a special couple - and by extension a special man.

I am not sure that we'd bring that up when talking to a single - heck, that's not really our business.

I don't think you missed a red flag or that you were used. You met a single (that you liked) for a threesome. He doesn't owe you anymore beyond that than you owe him.

I would like to think that some of our best single friends would remain friends once the lifestyle ended for us or them - for whatever reason. But, they don't really owe it to us.

Good for him that he found someone special - I hope it works out for him!

Spoomonkey

Dito
The guy was honest and knew he couldn't deal with someone he was in love with having sex with another man. We don't think that the guy thought of you as a "slut" or anything negative....he just knew his own emotional limits. Now, If he treated you badly: That's another story, but it doesn't sound like he did, and he even respected you enough to say that he hoped you could remain friends....he didn't just ignore you or anything. If you were offended that he stopped playing with you....You should consider this a red flag for you in the future. Just because the majority of us wouldn't care, or be offended doesn't mean it won't bother you.

[ChasCouple]

Thanks to everyone who responsed. Every one of you are right! I can't very well be angry after the fact, it isn't fair. He did let us know up front. I guess what bothers me now is what Julie said in her post--that somehow he must have thought I was less of a person for being part of a swinging couple.

But again, thanks to all who took time to weigh in. The truth stings sometimes

Originally Posted by ChasCouple

I guess what bothers me now is what Julie said in her post--that somehow he must have thought I was less of a person for being part of a swinging couple.

But again, thanks to all who took time to weigh in. The truth stings sometimes

Don't waste your time on what "He" thinks. You were in this to get what YOU wanted out of it, not what HE wanted out of it.

If you spend your time worrying about what others you played think about you, it will not work very well.

Think back to that night...
Did you have a good time?

That is all that really matters.

[VegasLee]

I find it interesting that many of the same people here that complain about the "lying sneaking" single guys are now the same ones that think this guy was saying negitive things because he was HONEST.

I personally don't feel he see's anything negitive in you at all or the lifestyle. Many guys can deal as singles that can not cut it in the lifestyle once they are married.

Guess the single guys can't win no matter what they do.

[imsnowman]

Originally Posted by ChasCouple

Thanks to everyone who responsed. Every one of you are right! I can't very well be angry after the fact, it isn't fair. He did let us know up front. I guess what bothers me now is what Julie said in her post--that somehow he must have thought I was less of a person for being part of a swinging couple.

But again, thanks to all who took time to weigh in. The truth stings sometimes

I don't see the "slut" comment. I agree that he just knows his own limits. Lots of folks do things single that they can't handle as "old marrieds".

[Nymph an' Satyr]

I'm a little more cynical- I agree with Julie. I don't like the - "It's okay for your wife to fuck other guys- but my wife/girlfriend sure isn't." I think that there is an inherent contempt for the swinging woman in his attitude, i.e. "They are okay to "fuck" but I sure as hell wouldn't marry one."

But he does score points for being honest- just not very many.

Forget him, and move on. If he calls you back later because it turns out she wasn't the "one"- tell him to piss off.

[WesternSwing]

I can't fault him for being honest, and I don't think you were "used", but it definitely revealed his opinions about those in the lifestyle, or his own insecurities about having HIS spouse in the lifestyle. His opinion there would have been enough for us to not play at all, or reduce it down to a "Hi, how ya' doin' " if we saw him at a party.

Mr. WS

[JustAskJulie]

I guess it goes to having to dissect something after the fact. Had it been me, I would have asked just what he meant by that comment. Most single guys I have talked to will honestly say that they are not SURE how they would react if they were in a relationship - as to whether or not they could handle sharing the woman they love. To me, though, if he said it the way it was replayed in this thread, my first thought would be "well thanks, shows me what you think of me". I've been wrong before, but that would definately be my first reaction/ impression.

This isn't an all single guys are bad thing, or a single guys can't win no matter what - it goes back to every situation is different and you (the person involved in that situation) has to feel it out for youself, you have to talk to people and find out what they mean by things if you have questions, etc. No one else can tell you what someone else meant by something they said when you were the only person around to hear it.

[curiousagain]

He said "and that should he meet "THE ONE" he wouldn't want to share with her his extracurricular past, nor would he want her to engage in the lifestyle with him even if she was willing." before you played. Well, he was honest. But I don't think he was a "lifestyler". If you were ok with that before you swung, don't let it bother you now.
Move on, life's short. minutes count.