Power or control?

Need Female · 01-31-2005, 07:47 PM

Hi. Single male here, No swinging experience. I've read several places where the "husband" has stated "he" has final say over who his wife "engages" with. Since when does the husband own the wife? I say the wife has the final say so about how, when, etc. Also, if the wife tells the "single male" it's okay to "touch" her or whatever, does that mean the hubby can say "hands off"? Somethings amiss here.

WesternSwing · 01-31-2005, 08:07 PM

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

I would say most swingers are pretty opened-minded and not much phases them, but everybody gets bad vibes from somone sometimes, and everything being equal both members of the relationship has the right to say "you know what, something here is making me uncomfortable/this person is creepy/the person grosses me out/etc."

Mr. WS

Vespertine · 01-31-2005, 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

Double Dito

This is exactly our arrangement too, wouldn't have it any other way.

**good times** · 01-31-2005, 08:40 PM

Same for us, we have very few rules but number one is either one of us can veto a potential playmate if we have bad vibes about them.

DBL D · 01-31-2005, 08:43 PM

I'd say you do need a female! She'd let you know all about it.

We are talking about the well balanced couples. In every "society" there are those who don't fit the norm. I'd say you got some bad info somewhere. We generally look at everything as a team. It looks different when you view it that way.

Male D

VegasLee · 01-31-2005, 09:23 PM

A very long, long, long time ago when I was 13 years old I realized that women run this world. Since then I have had a great life.

Now being in the lifestyle most of my adult life I have not seen anything that can prove my first statement here wrong. Women are in control of the Lifestyle just as they are life in general.

Do Laura and I have a partnership? Yep. but bottom line is what the women want the women get.

She is not mine to tell no, she is her own person and she will tell me and all others what she will and will not do.

dutch51 · 01-31-2005, 10:52 PM

[quote=WesternSwing] In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

We've got to agree with WesternSwing. We only swing with couples, but we *both* have to agree on both people (just like hopefully they both agree on both of us). We've cut contact with people whom one of us really liked, but the other one of us just wasn't comfortable with, and in all those cases, we turned out to have done the right thing. We don't play alone either, but if we did, it would have to be with someone that we were both comfortable with.

Hubby said something to a friend the other night that I really liked. He said said neither of us own the other; I am not his wife, like a piece of property, but I am his wife and we each deserve the respect that goes along with that.

intuition897 · 01-31-2005, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

Mr. WS

This response belongs in an FAQ section or something! I can't think of a more perfect way to say it. The idea of relinquishing control completely to another person is so foreign to those who have never embraced it that it's often difficult to explain. To them it just doesn't seem possible that any one person could be trusted so completely.

CB_n_Red · 02-01-2005, 04:20 AM

Same for us - we both have power of veto, though it doesn't seem to need using very often. I guess that's because we both have a pretty good idea of what each other wants anyway.

For us the veto thing only really applies with couple/couple meets. At the club it works rather differently, due to the nature of the club.

CB

Spoomonkey · 02-01-2005, 07:14 AM

Yet another Dito for WS!

Great post!

But - it is early, so I'll be redundant...

Mrs Spoomonkey has given me the "what do you think" look before - only to get the "not with that creep" head shake. I don't own her - and she is very much free to do what she wants. In fact, she very well could just shrug her shoulders, grab said creep by the hand and stroll upstairs without me...

I'm not exactly going to grab her by the hair and force her to stay put...

And, very likely, that series of events would lead to the tragic collapse of a beautiful love story

I don't foresee it happening - and here is why...

You see - we aren't in the lifestyle so Mrs Spoo can meet other guys. We are in the lifestyle for us - because we enjoy it TOGETHER. If either of us isn't comfortable with a situation, we can cast our veto. As was said above, it's not about ownership - it's about respect. Without a deep love for each other and an even deeper respect, couples don't survive in this lifestyle.

If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of...

Spoomonkey

Vespertine · 02-01-2005, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of...

Spoomonkey

Double Dito

(For the sake of redundancy)

graygo98 · 02-01-2005, 09:11 AM

Just when I thought WS had said it all, Mr. Spoo comes up with the perfect nuance.

Put those two answers together and you have described exactly how we feel about the lifestyle. We are in it for us... for the joy we get from each other when we are in such sexually charged territory. People that feed that feeling we love to be with. If they (or one of them,) don't (doesn't) then we just don't go there. Its got nothing to do with one "owning" the other, its about us and our choices.

Now, as I am getting truly redundant, have a good morning all...

northindycpl · 02-01-2005, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

You see - we aren't in the lifestyle so Mrs Spoo can meet other guys. We are in the lifestyle for us - because we enjoy it TOGETHER. If either of us isn't comfortable with a situation, we can cast our veto. As was said above, it's not about ownership - it's about respect. Without a deep love for each other and an even deeper respect, couples don't survive in this lifestyle.

If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of...

Spoomonkey

Yup... Dito Dito Dito

Need Female · 02-01-2005, 07:19 PM

I am sure glad I opened this thread. Y'all sure set me straight. But maybe it works the other way too. Seems like VegasLee had it right. Women run the world. "Behind every great man there's a greater woman". What's behind every great woman? Not too many great men for sure. Because men don't want women to be greater! LOL Seriously, thanks a bunch to y'all.

DBL D · 02-01-2005, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need Female

...What's behind every great woman? Not too many great men for sure. Because men don't want women to be greater! ...

Most of us want our woman to feel like a "King".

Male D

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01-31-2005, 07:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
Need Female Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 9 Location: South of DFW, Texas Status: Single Male	Power or control? Hi. Single male here, No swinging experience. I've read several places where the "husband" has stated "he" has final say over who his wife "engages" with. Since when does the husband own the wife? I say the wife has the final say so about how, when, etc. Also, if the wife tells the "single male" it's okay to "touch" her or whatever, does that mean the hubby can say "hands off"? Somethings amiss here.

01-31-2005, 08:07 PM	#2 (permalink)
WesternSwing South of disorder Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,824 Location: Utah Status: Male half of married couple	Re: Power or control? You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse. I would say most swingers are pretty opened-minded and not much phases them, but everybody gets bad vibes from somone sometimes, and everything being equal both members of the relationship has the right to say "you know what, something here is making me uncomfortable/this person is creepy/the person grosses me out/etc." Mr. WS __________________ "God created sex. Priests created marriage." ~ Voltaire

01-31-2005, 08:40 PM	#4 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,417 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times SLS Name:randp	Re: Power or control? Same for us, we have very few rules but number one is either one of us can veto a potential playmate if we have bad vibes about them. __________________ R (He is R, she is P)

01-31-2005, 08:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
DBL D Oh...Why not?... Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,312 Location: Northern Call-ee-forn-ee-ah Status: Married Couple	Re: Power or control? I'd say you do need a female! She'd let you know all about it. We are talking about the well balanced couples. In every "society" there are those who don't fit the norm. I'd say you got some bad info somewhere. We generally look at everything as a team. It looks different when you view it that way. Male D __________________ "Just nod if you can hear me..." David Gilmour

01-31-2005, 09:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
VegasLee Laura's Male Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 1,277 Location: Las Vegas, Nevada Status: Laura's Male	Re: Power or control? A very long, long, long time ago when I was 13 years old I realized that women run this world. Since then I have had a great life. Now being in the lifestyle most of my adult life I have not seen anything that can prove my first statement here wrong. Women are in control of the Lifestyle just as they are life in general. Do Laura and I have a partnership? Yep. but bottom line is what the women want the women get. She is not mine to tell no, she is her own person and she will tell me and all others what she will and will not do. __________________ Lee Lifestyles News *Remember when Swinging was about having sex?*

01-31-2005, 10:52 PM	#7 (permalink)
dutch51 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 392 Location: Ohio Status: happily married	Re: Power or control? [quote=WesternSwing] In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse. We've got to agree with WesternSwing. We only swing with couples, but we both have to agree on both people (just like hopefully they both agree on both of us). We've cut contact with people whom one of us really liked, but the other one of us just wasn't comfortable with, and in all those cases, we turned out to have done the right thing. We don't play alone either, but if we did, it would have to be with someone that we were both comfortable with. Hubby said something to a friend the other night that I really liked. He said said neither of us own the other; I am not his wife, like a piece of property, but I am his wife and we each deserve the respect that goes along with that. __________________ smiles M (wifey) and A (hubby)

02-01-2005, 04:20 AM	#9 (permalink)
CB_n_Red Life's too short not to.. Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 615 Location: East Yorkshire, UK Status: Married Couple SLS Name:CB_n_Red	Re: Power or control? Same for us - we both have power of veto, though it doesn't seem to need using very often. I guess that's because we both have a pretty good idea of what each other wants anyway. For us the veto thing only really applies with couple/couple meets. At the club it works rather differently, due to the nature of the club. CB __________________ Take all things in moderation....including moderation

02-01-2005, 07:14 AM	#10 (permalink)
Spoomonkey Chimpin' Ain't Easy Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 6,563 Location: Ohio Status: Married Monkeys - will you be our vine? SLS Name:Spoomonkey	Re: Power or control? Yet another Dito for WS! Great post! But - it is early, so I'll be redundant... Mrs Spoomonkey has given me the "what do you think" look before - only to get the "not with that creep" head shake. I don't own her - and she is very much free to do what she wants. In fact, she very well could just shrug her shoulders, grab said creep by the hand and stroll upstairs without me... I'm not exactly going to grab her by the hair and force her to stay put... And, very likely, that series of events would lead to the tragic collapse of a beautiful love story I don't foresee it happening - and here is why... You see - we aren't in the lifestyle so Mrs Spoo can meet other guys. We are in the lifestyle for us - because we enjoy it TOGETHER. If either of us isn't comfortable with a situation, we can cast our veto. As was said above, it's not about ownership - it's about respect. Without a deep love for each other and an even deeper respect, couples don't survive in this lifestyle. If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of... Spoomonkey __________________ "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." - C. S. Lewis

02-01-2005, 09:11 AM	#12 (permalink)
graygo98 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 381 Location: Toronto Status: Couple	Re: Power or control? Just when I thought WS had said it all, Mr. Spoo comes up with the perfect nuance. Put those two answers together and you have described exactly how we feel about the lifestyle. We are in it for us... for the joy we get from each other when we are in such sexually charged territory. People that feed that feeling we love to be with. If they (or one of them,) don't (doesn't) then we just don't go there. Its got nothing to do with one "owning" the other, its about us and our choices. Now, as I am getting truly redundant, have a good morning all...

02-01-2005, 07:19 PM	#14 (permalink)
Need Female Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 9 Location: South of DFW, Texas Status: Single Male	Re: Power or control? I am sure glad I opened this thread. Y'all sure set me straight. But maybe it works the other way too. Seems like VegasLee had it right. Women run the world. "Behind every great man there's a greater woman". What's behind every great woman? Not too many great men for sure. Because men don't want women to be greater! LOL Seriously, thanks a bunch to y'all.

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