Rules for Single Males

[HotMoCpl]

As far as selection goes, that's the wife's job. I will say this though: Single males? I'm pretty sceptable about them. So far as I know, there are two types of single males. Really single and looking for and easy way to get laid , and married cheaters .

Don't get me wrong, I know there are a few truely single males out there and are really decent people; so there's where my wife's intuition comes in....right next to my skeptitism. :rollseyes

I've already nail four of them in emails in the past few months.

[HotMoCpl]

Flori DAMAN and Eternally Single: You two rock. Sure hope that if the wife picks a single, she'll pick one like one of you two. flamethrow

Flori, I've kept a copy of your rules.

Thanks, both of you.

[CABob]

Respect, respect, respect.
Single means YOU'RE single.
Couple means THEY'RE a couple.
Understand the difference and maybe, just maybe.

Lots of couples bash the single guy, and perhaps deservedly so.
Imagine being a couple and trying to find THE single guy in a sea of single men.
Some cheating, some too aggressive, etc.
And what if it's a bad choice, now what?
The desire is there with some couples, but so is the uncertainty.
It's a BIG decision for THEM!
I'm surprised there's any connections at all, the risks are so great.
But from my point of view, the rewards of a respectful threesome, is truly aewsome!

[Cr8tivecpl]

Here's my two cents worth - based upon my own experiences as part of a couple and as a single male:

• Always be a gentleman and never, repeat, never leave the husband (significant other) out of the mix...if you are going to offer to buy drinks then include him...if you are going to ask her to dance then make sure that you either directly or, indirectly have his consent...never...never assume that anything is a given.
• Do not say, indicate, imply, suggest, or insinuate anything...always be sure that what you say and do are acceptable before you say or do it...if you have doubts then leave it in your head.
• Just because she flirts or he "makes a joke" about what your prowess might be...or...it might seem like there is chemistry...doesn't mean that there is...we are all legends in our own minds and until someone else acknowledges that legend you are just 'another guy' who still needs to prove himself.
• Jsut because a couple or a single female says, "yes, let's meet" it does not give you license...it just gives you the opportunity to prove that you are worthy or, unworthy, as you will eventually evidence yourself to be.
• This is about building relationships...many or a few, good ones and bad, real and fake...all of them guaranteed to effect someone in some way...so, if you are at your best then your chances of being asked to return as the invited guest will be better...and, in the end, that is what you are hoping for - to be asked to come back again.

In the end...treat all with whom you come in contact as you would wish to be treated and you will have, eventual, success. Do anything short of that and you too will become "that creepy guy sittin' over there on the bar stool whining about how he don't get no play."

That's my two cents...I'm outta' here...

[WiserNow]

This is kind of a sore spot for me, I have to admit, due to a couple of bad past experiences that were no fault of mine. In case anyone's interested in reading them, here are a few of my more general thoughts on the subject.

First, as others have stated before (perhaps not in identical words), a single male in an MFM threesome with married couples should always play by their rules. Make sure the hubby is satisfied with the arrangement, and then treat the lady as you'd want your lady treated while you watch. If you're not sure how a particular favorite thing of yours will be received, err on the side of caution and don't try it until you've discussed it.

Second, unless some prior arrangement overrules, be assertive, confident and persistent....but NOT aggressive. If at any given point you're not quite sure how to proceed, then give the situation a quick re-assessment.

I'm sure a lot more could be said about basics, but these are a couple of the important ones. As most people would recognize, they're dictated by plain old common sense. Rejections can be for any of a huge variety of reasons, but my problem has always been with those couples who accept a single male but then start imposing conditions. Rules are one thing, like I said I'll play by their rules, I'm used to that. But at some point I can't help getting the feeling I'm expected to do something to 'earn' what I want, that it's no longer a level playing field. It's my choice also, but some couples seem to be the opposite case from the single male who's only in it to get his rocks off.

My goal today, as it has been from the beginning, is simply to develop a small circle of intimate friends and enjoy sex. I don't care for one-night stands any more than most women or couples do. When I find someone I enjoy sex with I like to go back for more, not just move on to the next contact. I'm not an animal, not a machine, and good memories should be built upon, not just enjoyed once and then discarded. It's frustrating to me that so many of the couples I've made contact with are more the 'bedpost notcher' type.

Not long ago I enjoyed an evening with a very nice couple, and one of the things she complained about was that she doesn't hear from most single males until they're horny again and it makes her feel used. I can definitely sympathize because the same thing happens to me. This same lady ended up fitting the very description she ascribed to single males, doing exactly what she complained so bitterly about. I'm not sure she realized what she was doing, or maybe she felt somehow justified, but since our threesome the only time she's talked to me is when I spoke first. The only time she's ever initiated a contact was when she invited me to join them, but never before or since. Go figure.

Overall, I've had a lot of fun and met a lot of great people, though in the end I see very few of them more than once. One thing I'd never have expected is how one bad experience can overshadow so many wonderful ones, but it happens. I try to approach each new contact with an open mind, but to completely forget past experiences would be foolish. I've found, as so many others have, that true friends are the exception rather than the rule but are still well worth waiting for. Be patient, persevere and don't lose hope.

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by WiserNow

...I'm sure a lot more could be said about basics, but these are a couple of the important ones. As most people would recognize, they're dictated by plain old common sense. Rejections can be for any of a huge variety of reasons, but my problem has always been with those couples who accept a single male but then start imposing conditions. Rules are one thing, like I said I'll play by their rules, I'm used to that. But at some point I can't help getting the feeling I'm expected to do something to 'earn' what I want, that it's no longer a level playing field. It's my choice also, but some couples seem to be the opposite case from the single male who's only in it to get his rocks off.

My goal today, as it has been from the beginning, is simply to develop a small circle of intimate friends and enjoy sex. I don't care for one-night stands any more than most women or couples do. When I find someone I enjoy sex with I like to go back for more, not just move on to the next contact. I'm not an animal, not a machine, and good memories should be built upon, not just enjoyed once and then discarded. It's frustrating to me that so many of the couples I've made contact with are more the 'bedpost notcher' type.

Not long ago I enjoyed an evening with a very nice couple, and one of the things she complained about was that she doesn't hear from most single males until they're horny again and it makes her feel used. I can definitely sympathize because the same thing happens to me. This same lady ended up fitting the very description she ascribed to single males, doing exactly what she complained so bitterly about. I'm not sure she realized what she was doing, or maybe she felt somehow justified, but since our threesome the only time she's talked to me is when I spoke first. The only time she's ever initiated a contact was when she invited me to join them, but never before or since. Go figure.

Ah, the dreaded "this is what I want from a man but not what I'm willing to do" syndrome. One of the things you just have to live with.

Back on the subject, another thing you have to do, as a single man involved with a couple, is explain to them what you expect from them. They have no fear about telling you what you should do. If you require more than a weeks notice (a lot of couples and single women on SLS say they want single men who are available at a moment's notice...can we get away with saying that ) tell them up front. Better yet, in your profile. Make any requirements on THEM known as soon as possible. Don't lower your standards or expectations because you KNOW it will eliminate people that would otherwise want to meet you.

And never swing with someone you wouldn't date. Even though a romantic relationship (probably) isn't what the couple wants to develop with you, you have to feel you could be his drinking buddy and her boyfriend...IF SHE WERE SINGLE AND LOOKING...if you are going to enjoy an MFM threesome. Of course, you should never let yourself feel anything more than the familiararity of a long time acquaintance or friendship with the couple you swing with, but do you really think you could have sex with a woman that normally would not interest you sexually? I don't think so. Men can fake the emotions, but not the act.

Also, don't swing when you meet a single woman you think about more than twice in a day. Even if you are not dating her, if you think about her all the time, she is thinking about you at least some of the time. And one of Murphy's Laws, I don't know which one, says that the moment you set up a swing date, the woman you are interested in will want to have sex with you the same day. And we single men know what happens when we turn down a woman that's horny and wants us in particular because we have a prior commitment. She suddenly doesn't think about us "that way" anymore and you have lost a potential relationship (or at least a possible bed buddy) for a night with a couple that may or may not see you again for a few months or years. If there might be a woman in your life, don't accept any invitations to swing!!!!!!!

Well, other than that, everything else you might think of has already been posted somewhere by someone.

have fun and be safe

[jfsewk]

kinda off-topic, but I believe a good suggestion for the guy if you're planning on playing more than one night...

Become friends with the couple's guy! Go out for a few beers, hang out, play pool, whatever... This way he'll be more relaxed with you, less worried, and more willing to have you over again. We've had a guy (who has since moved away) that I (male) because friends with... it was fun to be able to talk about how we would please my girl... we'd work together on her. I don't think I'd be as comfortable with a single guy unless we first became friends, or at least developed some sort of friendship.

BTW... I don't mean take a few days to become friends, but hang out with the guy (without the girl present) and have some male bonding (no i don't mean anything sexual).

[unaware]

That sounds very unsettling. i dont know how people can act like that and expect to be treated with decency and respect.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by unaware

That sounds very unsettling. i dont know how people can act like that and expect to be treated with decency and respect.

To what are you referring?

[Peake]

Your advice to the single male is goood, he is the outsider and should remember his place. Treat the couple with respect and all should go well. Honesty is always good, if your meeting does not go well, bee up front and tell the couple, best to end it with good feelings rather than take it to a point then back out and ccause problems.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Peake

the single male... should remember his place.

The kind of couples that singles want to meet (in my opinion) are those who don't think singles should "remember their place". Singles are no different than couples, really. The only real difference is they are alone - aside from that, the same rules apply for them as they do for couples: comfort, attraction, chemistry, honesty, etc.

If they are rude, arrogant jerks, their "place" is going to be on the outside looking in... Same as couples who act this way...

If they are respectful, interesting, down to earth types, their "place" is going be a lot of fun to be in... Same as couples...

The problem is, there seems to be, percentage-wise, less single guys who "get it" than there are couples.

Spoomonkey

[curious24]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

The kind of couples that singles want to meet (in my opinion) are those who don't think singles should "remember their place". Singles are no different than couples, really. The only real difference is they are alone - aside from that, the same rules apply for them as they do for couples: comfort, attraction, chemistry, honesty, etc.

If they are rude, arrogant jerks, their "place" is going to be on the outside looking in... Same as couples who act this way...

If they are respectful, interesting, down to earth types, their "place" is going be a lot of fun to be in... Same as couples...

The problem is, there seems to be, percentage-wise, less single guys who "get it" than there are couples.

Spoomonkey

so are these rules different for single ladies?

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by curious24

so are these rules different for single ladies?

Nope - but that's a different thread altogether...

Spoomonkey

[EternallySingle]

Singles are at a real disadvantage in the swinging community, because the majority of swingers ARE couples. Couples think differently than singles. All singles, whether they admit it or not, approach other singles with "This may be the one" in the back of his or her mind and adjust their approach based on a lot of information they receive to appear more appealing than other singles. With couples, a single person KNOWS they have no chance at anything more than sex. Depending on the experience of the single person, they will again adjust their approach to be more appealing to the couple, but usually they have to compete not only with other singles of the same sex, but singles of the opposite sex, couples, and even groups for the limited time the couple will have for an encounter that won't go any further than sex and MAYBE a really casual friendship.

That is a lot of pressure for someone just starting out, and that is where a lot of the conflict begins. Men deal with the pressure of possible rejection by being a little more persistant and a little less honest than usual. Women, I've observed, deal with possible rejection by being more distant and less commital. Both are techniques meant to make you appear available and interesting. But when dealing with couples, the average male techniques makes him seem pushy. For women, it makes her seem uninterested and just there to be somewhere other than at home. Couples forget this because they are no longer looking for a mate, just someone to hang out with. In swinging, hanging out sometimes includes sex. The pushy or uninterested appearance singles present when communicating with couples is misunderstood, so the singles have a harder time connecting with couples.

Of course, after the first good encounter, the single is often reccommended to other couples (and maybe, eventually, but not usually, to other singles) and the pressure of rejection is gone. The single person now has the reputation of "One of the real ones" and approaching others becomes more trying to meet new people and less trying to impress new people.

But those are just my observations from the last 20 or so years.

[beardedone]

I was a single male in the lifestyle some years ago. My rules were to be friendly, polite, and show interest when I was. But don't be overbearing about it. Then and now, I love to fast dance and lots of women seem to enjoy dancing that way; makes a great ice breaker. If we went any farther, all of us let it be known that discretion is expected and given -- no problem and no stress about it.
Summary: I always had a great time after I got over the initial shyness the very first night. This went on for several years.
Caveats: Once, the lady of a couple expected me to be with them all the time after that and that was not how I wanted to interact with everyone. She was hurt/angry for a few minutes but it would not have good for me to "just go along" this time.
Another party near the last one, I saw a single female dancing extremely provocatively and I wanted to dance with ther and really wanted her in the worst way. However, I had already committed to a 'steady" girl, so all I could do was dance. That dance made me want here even more . (The things we give up when we couple up!!!) Such sweet sorrow.

Bearded One