Married Man Looking for Advice

[terry]

I would like to get some feedback on this, as I am a married man that has some issues with what you are saying about married men being cheaters.

First my wife travels for months at the time. We are away from each other for long periods and when we are together the once hot love making sessions have just about dried up. I love her dearly and have no intention of leaving her. However I have taken a lover who is also married and we have had some wonderful loving times together both in and out of bed. Now however my lover has moved out of the state and we can no longer spend time together. This relationship truly brought both of us closer to our spouses in ways that I never thought possiable.

In most all of the posts many of the writers are very open about everything except married men playing without thier wife's permission. Don't you realize that the world is still not perfect and that some of these married me need love compassion, and sensuality from others as well. Its so easy to break up a good marriage for any reason today. But in many cases that is not a good answer. I feel that taking a lover is still a natural part of life and have offered this to my wife knowing that she is out of town a lot. She just has no intrest in sex anymore. I'm a very sexual male that would rather die than go without the wonderful touch of a beautiful woman. SO HELP ME WITH SOME OF YOUR USUALLY GOOD ADVICE.... I'm not a bad man for doing this anymore that swingers are bad for doing what they do.

I think what I really need is a mistress.

I welcome your responses

Terry topcat990@hotmail.com

[JustAskJulie]

If you wanna cheat that is your business, but a Swingers Board, club, or otherwise isn't the place to do it. Go find a cheaters site and look for help there. The point you seem to have missed is that cheating iS NOT swinging. AND no excuse on the book will be a good excuse for cheating.

Now, why don't you sit down and talk to your wife about the problems you two are having. You never know, you might find that she is more than happy to let you do what you want when she's not there. And if that's the case, more power too you.... but it probably won't give you any easier of a time finding people in THIS lifestyle to play with.

[Alura]

It simply does not follow that, because we choose to have sex with others, we have an obligation to provide an outlet for you or any other person.

There is a big difference between swingers and cheaters. We are NOT doing the same thing you are. We are sharing swinging together and we do not lie to each other while in the process.

There is less interest in lone males in the lifestyle and virtually none with us. There is nothing that can be done with a lone male that can't be done with a married couple, taking turns.

My wife travels a lot, too. She's in Dallas now for a ten-day business trip. I am not out looking for pussy.

Only once in twenty-four years have we played with a man without his wife. She was in London on an extended business trip. She called us and asked if we would consider inviting her horny husband over for a threesome. She made it clear that she wanted her turn when she got back. He, of course, was thrilled when we called and invited him, and we all had a great time.

The difference here is that noone was unaware of what was going on and no lies were involved.

If your wife would condone a mistress and the mistress would agree while you are married, and if she didn't have a husband she was lying to, that could well be the answer to your dilemma. Unless, however, we met your wife and your mistress and confirmed the veracity of the situation, there is no way we'd play with you. No, your word would not be good enough.

This is probably not what you wanted to hear.

Mr. Alura

[good times]

Terry,

It's obvious you have made all the neccessary excuses and lies to yourself to justify your behaviour. The way I look at it, is if you can lie to yourself good enough to make cheating on your wife liveable to you, you aren't the type of honest individual we want to associate with wether it be for sex or anything else in life. If you and your wife are no longer compatible, then moving on is the only socially acceptable option in my opinion.

[terry]

Thanks for the replies.

Believe me I know that cheating is not swinging and I'm not asking for that as advice. I don't want to be a swinger at this time. I have over the years participated in swinging with my first wife whose father actually had parties at their home. It was great fun and we both meet a lot of wonderful people.
I find it interesting that all of the replies seem to think that I visit this site to attempt to locate someone to meet with. I do not! I enjoy the posts that I have read so far and I think that most of your information is accurate. What I was looking for is less hostility and more advise from others that might have been in a similar situation. I understand that your experience does not include cheating on your spouse and believe me I wouldn't be if all was well. But that part of my marriage is just not working. Believe me Julie we have talked for hours to attempt to work out the wrinkles in our sexual relationship but the result is still the same. As far as permission from my wife at this time it seems to be an un-talked-about given for me to date. I also find it interesting that in both Germany and France that the mistress (either married or single) is still a most respected woman.

Alura:

My wife travels a lot, too. She's in Dallas now for a ten-day business trip. I am not out looking for pussy.

This comment is totally not true. If I wanted to buy sex I have both the means and the time to do just that. However that IS NOT WHAT I’m LOOKING FOR. After reading some of your posts I had expected a more open mind when someone comes with a problem to discuss. I'm not trying to become a swinger, that would be a lie to you and that is not what I'm doing. Do other women on this site not experience sexual trouble in their lives. Help me to understand what I should be doing to bring her back. We have a wonderful marriage other wise.

Good Times:

It's obvious you have made all the necessary excuses and lies to yourself to justify your behavior. The way I look at it, is if you can lie to yourself good enough to make cheating on your wife liveable to you, you aren't the type of honest individual we want to associate with whether it be for sex or anything else in life. If you and your wife are no longer compatible, then moving on is the only socially acceptable option in my opinion.

This is an interesting comment. I'm not deceiving anyone. If I was I would be deceiving you now. I'm not!!! I have simply asked a group of people for advice. Now I'm just getting beat up because you don't agree with what I'm doing. If you all have never done something wrong in your lives then judge me as you wish. But this is not what I am seeking. I did not come here to be judged. I came here looking for open minded sexual people who with all of their experience may be able to offer me some help.

If we could just simply back up a notch and quit being so judgmental I would still appreciate some advice..

Thanks Terry

Terry

[good times]

I am sorry if you think we are beating up on you terry, I guess I just don't understand what you are looking for in the way of advise. I can only surmise that the reason we can't give advise about what you are asking is because what you are asking about is something that we would never consider doing. We don't seek sexual gratification outside of our marriage due to lack of it within our marraige. In my case the best sex I have is with my wife, we swing as a means of aditional sexual adventure not as a replacement for marital sexual relations. I can say that if my wife and I were having simalar problems to yours, we would work to solve it inside our marraige and would never go outside the marraige for what we were missing, as that would , in my opinion, just aggrevate the problem.

[Alura]

Terry wrote:

I'm not trying to become a swinger, that would be a lie to you and that is not what I'm doing. Do other women on this site not experience sexual trouble in their lives. Help me to understand what I should be doing to bring her back. We have a wonderful marriage other wise.

Well, now, Terry, that's a whole different perspective. I definitely had the idea you wanted to cheat and were hoping for us to tell you it's alright. I think most of the folks here at the SwingersBoard will be more than pleased to try to help you "bring her back," but we'll need a lot more information and so will you.

First, IMO, you'll need to find out why she's lost her interest in sex. There could be several reasons but since we know little about you and your wife any suggestions we might make will be a stab in the dark. So answer these questions for us, please.

Do y'all have children? How many? How old are they? Are they at home?

How old are you? Your wife?

How is your wife's health? Does she have any specific health problems?

Did her waning interest in sex manifest itself slowly or quickly?

We'll probably be asking a lot more questions but that'll do for a start.

BTW, I never meant to suggest you buy sex. How did you get that idea?

Mr. Alura

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by terry

I'm not a bad man for doing this anymore that swingers are bad for doing what they do.

I have read the first post, the responses and the rebuttal...

But - for the life of me, I can't get past this statement. What does it mean? What, exactly, are you using as your moral compass?

The key to healthy swinging relationships is the healthy marriage. As Good Times said, the best sex I get is right here at home - and I've had enough sex elsewhere to know that it's not just because of a lack of experience.

One of the secrets of our success is a complete honesty, even when what we might say to each other might be uncomfortable. And when we have problems, we can talk about them. We have also been very blessed to this point that we have been able to solve what few bumps in the road we've come to.

We've not yet had to resort to having affairs and taking lovers. I know that is not a reality for everyone in the world - but I would argue this point:

Originally Posted by terry

I'm not a bad man for doing this anymore that swingers are bad for doing what they do.

...is insulting at best.

Swinging - while looked down on - is often an expression of honesty, trust and communication. Cheating has none of those qualities. I know that doesn't help you in your situation, but it needs to be nailed down at some point that we aren't all sitting at the same bar, crying in the same beer and sharing a conversation about some incredible flaw in our lives that we are trying to fix. We do not swing because there is anything wrong, anything missing or anything afoot. I don't sleep around on my wife - I sleep around with her. That is a hell of a different thing.

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

I'm not a bad man for doing this anymore that swingers are bad for doing what they do.

Like Spoomonkey I would love to know how you validate this line. Let's see you are lieing to your wife. You are cheating on her. Evidently you don't get the difference between cheating and swinging. Swingers are not cheating on their spouses, nor are they lying to them.

I find it interesting that all of the replies seem to think that I visit this site to attempt to locate someone to meet with

I didn't see where any of the replies even implied that was the case. However, you did come to a SWINGERS site and ask post that you are cheating on your wife (or at least looking to). If you've been around here for a while as you say you have then I'm sure you knew the reception you would get here. The same reception we give every married jerk looking to cheat on their spouse.

I'm not deceiving anyone.

You are cheating on your wife, if that is not decieving her then I don't know what is.

Help me to understand what I should be doing to bring her back. We have a wonderful marriage other wise.

WHy didn't you just ask that in the first place? Instead of posting your sob story that appeared to be an appeal for acceptance of your excuse to cheat.

Answer: Get into marriage counseling. Go whenever she is home.
When she is home do everything in yoru power to show her how much you miss her when she's not there. Make her feel like the most special woman on earth and like no matter how much sex you have (or don't) that SHE is the only woman you want to be with. Make every effort to talk with her about EVERYTHING, even the stupid little things that you think don't matter. When she's gone send her notes, emails, call her just to say you love her, leave her voice mails, etc.

[terry]

Thanks I’m glad that I better explained the issue better.

First we don’t have children by our marriage. I have 3 that are currently in school living away from home so I don’t feel that this is part of the problem. The oldest is 20, 18 and 15. My son the 15-year-old lives with his mother during the summer and is in boarding school all school year. My wife has never had children.

I’m a totally young 55 and my wife is 58. We both are active in sports and enjoy a cornucopia of entertainments.

Both of us are in great health with no serious health issues over the years.

Her loss of interest began about 3 years ago with the onset of menopause and has gone totally down hill ever since. She did not go through a bad time and we still had a reasonable sex life up until about two years ago. Two years ago she began playing a lot of tennis and literally was to tired for sex. I talked this over with her and she said that her interest was just not they’re anymore, but she thought it would return. It hasn’t. At one time I could give her orgasms that would almost have her pass out they were so strong. But today nothing. She simply goes through the motions to please me and for me that is a kiss of death. I have always placed my lover first and myself second when it comes to pleasure and to now be confronted with this is totally upsetting.

Two years ago we even went to a swing party a Virginia Friends. We meet a lot of nice people and she enjoyed that extra attention from the other men. She now refuses to return as her interests have changed and I have not pushed the issue. You must understand that this is not all about sex for me. It’s about love, kindness and compassion, the warm touch of another. As I stated earlier I did have a most wonderful lover for the past 18 months and she embodied everything sensual that my wife used to enjoy. I won’t leave this marriage but now I think you can better understand my position. I don’t know what to do next. My wife has become a total workaholic and continues to travel for months at the time. I have even asked her if she needed to be with someone when she travels but her answer has always been the same, no interest. She knows that her being with another man has never been a deal breaker with me so I believe her when she says she has no interest.

I would never try to put myself into a swinging environment as I agree with all of you that this is not fair to the other parties. I'm truly not a liar but yes I have junped the fence as they say...

At any rate that is where we are now.

Thanks Again
Terry

[HotCoupleGnS]

There isn't much to say about this terry. The reason why everyone is so harsh to you is b/c we are all about truth & honesty. Which you don't seem to know what either one means. Not trying to sound rude, but you don't. It shouldn't be an unspoken thing between you & your wife that you date. You should talk about it & tell her. Maybe if you told her that you are having problems with this, then maybe she would wanna work on it. I know you came here wanting advice, but this is something we simply don't tolerate. I am sure you have your reasons & explainations, but none of them will work here.

[Elusive BiFem]

You mention that your wife lost interest after menopause - and something about playing tennis. I don't know about the tennis, but I do definitely know about menopause. Hormonal imbalances can be a real B**** to deal with; however, in this day and age, there is treatment available. Is she on hormone replacement? If so, it could certainly be that she needs to change pills. Some women have a greatly increased sex drive with a hormone that includes a little testosterone. Other hormone replacements are pure estrogen and can actually decrease the sex drive. Anti-depressants? Often women are prescribed these during the menopausal years to assist with elimination of some of the symtpoms as well as the depression that sometimes accompanies menopause. Another great sex drive killer. But if that is the case, that can be changed, too.

To increase her sex drive, my first suggestion would be to see a physician that specializes in women's hormones. Not the run of the mill OB/GYN, but someone who's practice is devoted to menopausal females. She would need testing of levels, etc. If she is NOT on horomone replacement, THAT might be the problem. But...if she does this, you need to go with her both for support and also because most often, a decrease in a once healthy sex drive is a problem of BOTH parties. Both contribute to the problem and both need to work on fixing it.

You said somewhere that it was an unspoken given (something like that) that you will "date."

...seems to be an un-talked-about given for me to date.

Now come on, Terry. You are not dating. You gave up dating when you got married. No matter how you slice the cheese, you're running around on your wife. Frankly, if I was a wife that traveled and there was this "un-talked-about given" that my husband would date, I guarantee you I'd have absolutely no interest in sleeping with him when I got home. I mean...what would be the point? Not to mention I wouldn't even know where he had been and with whom? Safety concerns, you know. And why invest myself physically or emotionally in someone that would think so little of me?

Another thought crosses my mind. She just might be having an affair of her own despite what you may think. Playing lots of tennis, huh? And for what purpose? To keep herself in prime condition? To look really attractive? I do the same - work out...that sort of stuff...just so I can keep myself in good shape because I want to be attractive to....MEN. But if this is the case, I'd have to say, what's good for the goose is good for the gander - that sort of thing. The danger to you, tho', is that generally women have "emotional" affairs whereas men have sexual affairs. Like it or not, you might find yourself out the door one day.

You might want to give up your focus on finding a lover to replace the one that is gone and instead, find your wife again. She travels for months at a time? So go with her. Or fly to wherever she is on weekends. Make her homecoming a special event...and not one in which she might wonder where you've been sleeping the past few weeks.

If you really value this relationship as you say, work on it. Otherwise, play fair. Tell her up front (and not this "un-talked-about" thing") and give her the option to do what she needs to do. Stay or go.

Doesn't matter what they do in France or Germany. You are here, I assume. Here, what you are doing is defined as cheating. Slice the cheese your way, but it comes out the same.

- EBF

[terry]

my last post is targeted for alura. i'm not a moralist and i don't judge other people , nor does my wife for that matter. What would the rest of you be saying to a man whose wife was in a coma for the last three years??? Well mine is in kind of a sexual coma and i am just asking for advice. I would never present myself hear as anything else... I don't want to swing I'm just seaking advice. So please get off the I'm so bad person lines until you have walked a mile in my shoes.

[Elusive BiFem]

The first line of your first post reads...I

would like to get some feedback on this, as I am a married man that has some issues with what you are saying about married men being cheaters.

Everyone here is giving you feedback from their perspective and based upon their values and morals. Someone being in a coma for three years is of no consequence as far as this thread goes because your wife is NOT in a coma. Apparently she is very much alive and functioning.

Please don't come here and moralize to us about our advice just because we call it the way we see it. Few of us here would choose (a word specifically selected) to walk a mile in your shoes. You have chosen to walk this path. Many of us have chosen to give you our opinons - as asked for. And will continue to do so. - EBF

[HotCoupleGnS]

It doesn't matter if your wife was in a coma. I would be faithful to my husband no matter what was wrong with him. But a person in a comma & a person walking, playing tennis, & traveling are 2 totally different thing. You said that you have read our post before, so you know we are STRONGLY against it. So I am not sure what oyu are wanting from us. Why would we know anything about how to or where to find someone to help you cheat on your wife? You are in the wrong spot. You may not be a bad person, but you make poor choices.