The Power of Disappointment

[Spoomonkey]

We have been corresponding with a single guy.

Not something we do often. It was made clear early in the friendship that any sort of "play" was highly unlikely. He presented himself as a couple when he first contacted us (his profile includes a pic of his SO) - HUGE strike... But - I enjoyed the chit-chat. So, after making it clear that we weren't a lifestyle connection - we agreed that we would take him to a local club here in the near future.

However - we had this against him - no trust...

Over the course of our discussions, he sent me the profile name of a woman whom he says he has played with... "Take a look," he says...

Strike two... No discretion...

Then, this morning, he makes reference to an old IM thread - and said that he had it archived if I'd like to see it...

Hello!

Red flags - all over the place...

He keeps our chats archived?

If he was someone that we:

a) trusted

or

b) knew had some sense of discretion

this might not have been a big deal. But - wow... That completely floored us. We let him know that his invitation to accompany us to the club - even as a non-playmate as originally agreed - was rescinded...

He was - in his words - "disappointed."

But would anyone have done anything any differently?

I mean - isn't this almost a test case for the creepy things that go on out there; the reason we all have to be incredibly careful with how we approach the lifestyle?

Fortunately we were still operating under our "pen names"... Indiscretion jeopardizes the peace of mind for most of us in the lifestyle... Don't kiss and tell - don't share pictures of playmates - don't give out names of those you are friends with - don't, don't, just don't...

I know we shouldn't have even ventured down the path with someone who had falsely represented himself, but he said really nice things (ie. he talked about football ). Anyway - thanks for reading my rant... Discretion and caution are always good topics, I think.

Spoomonkey

[HotCoupleGnS]

We can totally relate! we met a couple off the interent who we thought we connected with. We talked on yahoo alot, which does archive all your chats. But they would bring things up & quote us on it, which we thought was weird. Then we found out that they had done some background checking up on us. They said it was b/c of comments we had made about our past. We thought that was weird. Needless to say it didn't work out.

[Sin D]

Sounds like you made the right call. We would be concerned chatting with anybody that archived the conversations. Maybe not so much with "pen names"....but even then it's not foolproof if he knows enough about computers.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Sin D

but even then it's not foolproof if he knows enough about computers.

***shudder***



Spoomonkey

[HotCoupleGnS]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

***shudder***



Spoomonkey

Yes shudder! After checking up on us, the couple found out our last names & who knows what you can find out with that!

[HotCoupleGnS]

Just a note for everyone. How they found out our last names was they did a google search on my first name & city I grew up in. I had registered with that classmates.com, it led them straight to that & it had my madien (sp?) & my married name on it.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by HotCoupleGnS

We can totally relate! we met a couple off the interent who we thought we connected with. We talked on yahoo alot, which does archive all your chats.

Actually, you have to enable it to do so. I didn't even know that you could that until he mentioned it... I shouldn't play with sophisticated things (except, of course, for Mrs Spoomonkey )

Originally Posted by HotCoupleGnS

But they would bring things up & quote us on it, which we thought was weird. Then we found out that they had done some background checking up on us. They said it was b/c of comments we had made about our past. We thought that was weird. Needless to say it didn't work out.

That would completely freak us out. They don't sound like fun people... Oh, look, I think I just mastered the understatement!

Spoomonkey

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by HotCoupleGnS

Just a note for everyone. How they found out our last names was they did a google search on my first name & city I grew up in. I had registered with that classmates.com, it led them straight to that & it had my madien (sp?) & my married name on it.

Isn't it good to know that most people just aren't that interested in you?

That is something else.

We had an experience with a guy who was almost stalking us on the internet just after we were married. He did some things that I just didn't know were possible and completely freaked us out... Which is why we never post pictures, don't use real names, etc...

But even then - some people are creative in a freaky sort of way...

Spoomonkey

[frenzb4sex]

Wow, Spoo, sorry you had to deal with that. I think you, as a person who is obviously very intelligent, are not surprised that one strike yielded several more, because Murphy's Law usually comes into play anyways. It's also good that you are on guard for these types of things--the thing that scares me many times in this lifestyle is that there are people who have no idea how to look for these things, and therefore things reach a very bad point because there was no sighting of "red flags". My wife sometimes has been inflammatory to me because I sometimes read between the lines too much (Whoooooooooooooooooooooo Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?), but I would rather err on the side of caution than the latter.

Get this, Spoo...You'll love this as a cautionary tale. Be prepared for a story problem here--that is unsolveable.

We are friends with Couple A. They are best friends with Couple B, who we know as well. Everyone is of the knowledge that we are buddies with each other, and there's no issue whatsoever. All is fine in the swinger world.

Enter Couple C, who knows Couple A and gets along with them great, doesn't care for Couple B, and is interested in us. Couple D enters the picture, who is very good friends with Couple C and Couple A, and is interested in Couple B and us as well. All is starting to unravel in the swinger world.

Why? Because of course, Couple A talks to Couple B about Couple C and D, and us. Couple B then talks to us about Couple C and is very negative about them, to which Couple D finds out through conversation with Couple B as well, and this gets back to Couple C, who then talks to us about Couple B, all the while Couple A is pretty much open about things with all couples involved. The swinger gods are rolling over in their graves.

Because we don't want a part of this charade of drama, Couple B tells Couple D about something with us because we aren't "interested" in this little ploy. Of course, like the game of telephone, Couple D tells Couple C, Couple B tells Couple A, and by then you would have thought we orchestrated the 9/11 attacks. The swinger gods cried.

Able to keep up?? Me neither.

What happened? We backed away quicker than a man going down on a woman that hadn't washed her crotch in a month. We liked the people involved in this on a 1:1 basis, but when this all came about, we sacrificed some good relationships for the benefit of not getting sucked into the mountain of indiscretion and soap opera antics. Since then, we have resumed discussion with Couple A after many months, and all the couples involved previously had a nasty falling out with one another and the walls came crumbling down--which was plain to see was going to happen from the get go.

Sometimes, I think people get too comfortable with others, and discretion is thrown to the wayside. I can understand that sometimes if there is a safety issue that may be at stake, that discretion is toed, but on the other hand, I believe that the biggest downfall in discretion is that every one is different, we all have certain likes and dislikes, and just because I may have not cared for so-and-so doesn't mean you won't be best buds with them. The sad thing is, many people don't give others a chance to make their own judgement, and the curse of indiscretion can lead to many missed opportunities because the seed of discontent is planted. I will admit that I do sometimes lose my head and do the same thing, falling into that trap--but for the vast majority of the time I let others make their minds up about others, and leave it at that.
I learned my lesson a long time ago with this interweaving of couples that it just is not a beneficial thing for anyone involved. Period.

Tim

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

He presented himself as a couple when he first contacted us (his profile includes a pic of his SO) - HUGE strike...
I know we shouldn't have even ventured down the path with someone who had falsely represented himself, but he said really nice things (ie. he talked about football ). Anyway - thanks for reading my rant... Discretion and caution are always good topics, I think.

That right there says it for me. If someone went so far as to present themselves as 1/2 of a couple - with a photo no less! - and that was not accurate, that would have been the end of the line for me. I just can't stand someone that will deliberately lie to me. I've said it before, but to me, it THEIR lie removes MY options for making appropriate decisions for myself and that is no different than stealing from me.

As for archiving the chat...that doesn't bother me. Mine is archived. I just have it set that way and never think anything about it. I suspect most people do. But then again, I'm not a big chatter so it really doesn't make too much difference to me.
- EBF

[Spoomonkey]

By the time I got done reading that - I had one of those massive "glue sniffing" headaches...

Wow...

That just makes it that much nicer that we lack the ability to make friends

Just go out and pile up with Couples E, F & G. That would be my advice... But then again - I'm a bit of a man-slut...

What a soap opera!

You were wise to back away when you did.

Spoomonkey

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Elusive BiFem

As for archiving the chat...that doesn't bother me. Mine is archived. I just have it set that way and never think anything about it. I suspect most people do. But then again, I'm not a big chatter so it really doesn't make too much difference to me.

Like I said - that likely wouldn't have bothered me if the other issues weren't there.

*sheepish grin* And - yes - I know the other issues should have killed it from the start.

Archiving chat is probably not something that concerns me, but it is the fact that he shared what he knew about others with us... So - what is he going to share about us with others?

You know?

Spoomonkey

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

You know?

Spoomonkey

Yep, I know.

And do you know...I think so few people take this seriously...for so many, it is just a game. That ruins it for the few that are serious. Sad. When you think about it, how long will it take you (if ever) to trust another single man because of this experience? Or anyone? - EBF

[Spoomonkey]

Yeah - it doesn't take much rot on an apple to make you shy away from the whole bushel...

It is sad, because slowly over time, single men have been so whittled down that anymore - if we play with one - it is at the club, because we asked first, and no, we won't give you our e-mail (you've done your business, now go away)... And that's a damn shame because there are a lot of great single guys out there - and we'd love to have them as friends right up there with the couples we know... But then stuff like this happens...

But - in fairness - he was a lost cause coming out of the gate - and I blew that call.

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

Like EBF said, the fact that he misrepresented himself from the beginning would have been enough for me. I have to wonder why, you were even considering helping him cheat by taking him to a club with you (even if you weren't considering playing with him yourself).