I'm sure the feedback you have been getting is probably not what you wanted to hear but I think it's definitely what you need to hear. I think most everyone here cares and I think the criticism is based out of concern for the two of you and your spouses.
My prediction based on what you have said is that it will send the other couple possibly into a death spiral (definitely sever your ties) and you and your wife will reconcile most likely but your swinging will probably end or stop for awhile. After that, uncertain.
Some of you make very valid points.
I guess I kind of expected this kind of response. Some of you will read into that, that I already know what I should do. We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman. The love I feel for this "other" woman does not cause me to love my wife any less. I don't compare the two of them ever. The point that was made it not about if I think it is a lie it whether she thinks it's lie. This is very true. I still don't think my wife would think I lied to her. She might not be happy with the fact that I kept it from her however. I can't answer for the other couple.
Maybe I didn't explain how the other guy feel about us seeing others very well. He does not care if we see others he just doesn't want to hear about it. it not even as bad as that sounds.
This is not an infatuation, Infatuations happen quickly when you first meet someone or at least that has been my experince. This is something that has grown over a 9 month period. Before you say thats not enough time I asked my wife to marry me after only 6 months. We have been together for almost 25 years.
I brought up that the two women are so different to kind of explain why I feel that my love for them is so different and not in conflict. Neither I nor the other woman went looking for this. It just kind of developed and it got to the point where we could not ignore what we were feeling.
After reading what every one wrote. I think what i'm getting is that falling in love with this woman is not what is wrong. It's the not telling our spouses is what everyone thinks we are doing wrong. My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.
I want to thank everyone for their input. None of it has taken me by surprise and like I said before many of you make very valid points.
People have been very supportive of your position, so if your wife is anything like these amazing people, your relationship will be fine. Don't cross the line to cheating. Please. Nobody wants to see (or hear about you) ruin your 25 year marriage just because you're afraid of the reaction you're going to get.
Telling them might cause a bunch of hurt and problems.
Not telling them absolutely will.
When this happens, don't come back and expect sympathy from me.
First bold: If you don't think your wife would find this a lie, put her shoes on your feet and see if you think she wasn't lying if she was in love with another man and you had no idea. Let's say you found out from a friend. If you say you would be fine with it, I don't think that would be the 100% truth. If you say you'd be totally comfortable with it, can you say that now since you've got "another significant other". You'd feel that you're "even steven", like when you were little kids. It would make you feel better wouldn't it? Almost a relief?
In reality, you know you wouldn't like it. I know I wouldn't and even though I can't paint the board with that broad brush, I'm sure a lot of the folks here would agree with me.
Second bold: You're still trying to justify why it's OK if you two still see each other and not change anything.
Also, I admit that I agree with you that we don't choose whom we fall in love with. It happens. Dave and I only knew each other for about 3 weeks before we married. We're nearing our 28th anniversary. In another thought, though, maybe it's because we swing for different reasons than you. I can't even imagine falling in love with anyone else. I can't imagine having romantic feelings for anyone else. I bet you're thinking you didn't think you could either... but one thing is different about us... it would have scared me enough to stop swinging with that person.
Third bold: You should be talking to your respective spouses about this because it's the right thing to do. This is where selfless has flown the coop and your selfishness has surfaced. If you don't think you're lying to your wife, and you don't think she will think it is either, then you should have no problem telling her about this. Or better yet, bring her here and let her see the post. You've already admitted that you're here under another name.
What do you see happening from all this? Do you see all four of you living happily ever after? Do you see nothing good happening if you're honest with your wife and let her know what's happening? Do you think of divorce in your future if it all comes out? I'm still not sure what exactly you're wanting to hear (or read) here.
I know you're wanting to justify what you're both feeling and what you're both doing. I think it's time you manned up and owned this situation you're in. Take accountability for the situation you've gotten yourself in. If you're wanting to save this marriage of 25 years, stop seeing your playmate and let her get her marriage back on track, too. If you're both not willing to do that, then you're gonna have to accept what comes.
Dave & Holly
Was your wife your best friend? The person you told everything to?My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.
You have lost that cuz of this, haven't you? So even if your wife has not noticed, it HAS already affected your home life and your relationship.
If you think this will die out soon, maybe I wouldn't tell yet....someday you will have to, if you want to be close to your wife again but if this new love 'dies out', it might be easier. If you two DO sneak behind your spouses backs to meet and cheat...it's gonna mess up your love of each other too, don't you think?
My question is: why does it have to cause hurt and problems? You both love your spouses. You love each other. Love is pretty awesome. The four of you have to work out some kinda acceptance and figure the details is all. Poly people do it all the time.
Normal people mange it in ways we seldom look at.
You love others too...just not with sex involved. It doesn't take away from the love you have for a spouse to love your brother, sister, mother, father, son or daughter, best friend or even your dog....why would loving this woman have to be any different?
Evel Knievel died of natural causes.
I think the question comes down to what is important to you:
- What is best for you
- What is best for your marriage
- What is best for your relationship with the other woman
For me, if this was to happen I would bring it up with my wife immediately. Yes it might cause some issues, but I want to get those issues out in the open right away. It will be tough and it might mean we break it off with the other couple. That might suck, but my marriage is more important to me than anything. Maybe my wife would be open to me pursuing a relationship with the other woman. If she wasn't, then I'd need to find some way to put it behind me.
Keeping it from your wife and the other womans husband is doing what is best for you. Not for your marriage.
I want to thank everyone for there input. You all make very valid points. Although some of you seem angry with me. Falling in love with this other woman was not a planned thing nor did we go looking for it. It just kind of developled the same way any of us fall in love with anyone.
It's only been a few weeks since we both realized how we feel about each other so we are still trying to figure it all out. Of course you are all correct that we should come clean. However we both have the fear, more on her end than mine, that we will lose each other.
Lion you make a very good point when you say, "telling them MIGHT cause a bunch of hurt" Not telling them, WILL.
We have a difficult decision to make. We don't get an opportunity to talk face to face very often. I think something this important should be done face to face. Most of our comunication is done through emails and texting. We are going away with them for a long weekend next weekend and I will talk to her then.
Again thanks for all of your time and advise
I know of a person, my ex, who had primary contact with another woman via text and email. Very little face to face personal time....
It was a disaster.
Anyone can be anything they want behind text and email. Continual face to face on a regular basis it a whole different ballgame.
This is a risk that if I loved my spouse of 25 years I would not take.
I dont see anyone angry with you, they are just pointing out the obvious. Sometimes we ask for advice and want to hear it a certain way when in reality what we hear is what we NEED to hear.
I am not discounting your feelings. You may be in love with the person you know via the swinging, texting and emailing.... but that lady may not be who you really think she is.
I've seen this SO MUCH when relationships begin via the internet. This is really no different as you have had little one on one time with her.
Once you do go behind your spouses backs...it is cheating and your wife and her husband very well may be less forgiving.
You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.
another big thought to keep in mind.. You say you are only communicating by text and email... some day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but SOMEDAY those missive will probably come to light... and when they do, it'll show you've been carrying on this affair much longer than your SO might have thought.. That's when the fight begins......
On a journey through life with a best friend...
After reading this a second time....it sounds like he doesn't care about his wife as much as he claims.
Not willing to stop this with the other woman.
Not willing to tell his wife.
To me...she will find out and she will be devastated. He seems not to care about that. He cares more about how the other husband will react.
Cheaters never win.
You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.
Why bother with this guy anymore? His mind is made up.
I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)
Id have far less trouble with this scenario if you were both being open and honest with your spouses about it.
Without that, I don't like it.
The thing is, many of us have seen this scenario before. And many of us have seen it end badly. It doesn't always end badly, but it's nearly always a lot more involved than either of you are willing to admit or see.