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We are a couple married about 15 years. We have visited a few swingers clubs and each time my wife has wanted to leave after a short time. She feels uncomfortable. As soon as we leave she is all over me or herself, sometimes stipping nude in the car on the way home.

 

When I ask her to go back, she is relucant. She will go to dances with me at nude resorts (we have a few local nude resorts) but swing clubs are now a "NO WAY" response.

 

I know I should just drop it but I am obsessed with the idea that we can have some fun if we went in that we might meet some new friends who are a little more open than our existing set of friends. For example, My wife is bi-curious for sure and I would like her to enjoy herself and I suspect there are other couples in the same boat. We are occasional nudists but we never get to go with friends, it's just us (which is fine too).

 

Suggestions on how I can just drop it are most welcome.

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In order to swing it takes both parties and without a consenting female you are dead in the water. Since she does seem to enjoy going out and being in an exciting environment just go with that. Take her out to some regular dance clubs and flirt with her and dance and treat her like she is the only woman on the planet that matters and then reap the rewards of that.

 

If she isn't interested in swinging and doesn't want to go to swing clubs any more then there really isn't anything you can do short of committing adultry behind her back. You have made your position known and now she has made hers known.

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We have visited a few swingers clubs and each time my wife has wanted to leave after a short time. She feels uncomfortable. As soon as we leave she is all over me or herself, sometimes stripping nude in the car on the way home.

 

The environment apparently turns her on a great deal, or she wouldn't be so incredibly horny after the short visit. It also appears that like most women, she's not interested in actually swinging/swapping with other people. Many women enjoy certain fantasies without wanting to actually do the thing they fantasize about.

 

Have you ever offered her the option of going there and the two of you having absolutely no contact with others, going only for yourselves? Maybe she has always wanted to leave early because she feels pressured to go "the next step", which is where she does not want to go. What if you propose doing it only for the two of you, only for the atmosphere, voyeurism and exhibitionism (the two of you having sex together in the environment)? You would give her a 100% guarantee that is the only thing you're in there for. That might be the option that she would like. If you offer this option though, you have to be true to your word and don't mess it up by pushing for something else once you're in there, or you'll never get that chance again.

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Each time I have given her assurance, and reassurance, that we are not there to make contact...just watch.

 

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful.

 

While there she tells me despite my assurance, she feels "pressure". I ask her where it's from the pressure and she says the whole atmosphere...that people are there to have sex or find people to have sex with.

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Each time I have given her assurance, and reassurance, that we are not there to make contact...just watch.

 

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful.

 

While there she tells me despite my assurance, she feels "pressure". I ask her where it's from the pressure and she says the whole atmosphere...that people are there to have sex or find people to have sex with.

 

In that case, you've already had the conversation I suggested, and got your answer. It seems that just the short amount of time there was all she needed to rev her engines, but still the feeling of pressure in there makes her not want to go back. She is definitely not a swinger and does not want to be - she's made that clear.

 

She goes to nude resort places with you and dances erotically in public with you....and she feels comfortable there, right? It sounds like you have a very sexual wife, she does do adventurous things and goes to adventurous (non-vanilla) places with you. I'd say that you're a lucky man! Just relax and enjoy the level of eroticism that she is comfortable with. :)

 

You said in your first post here, "I would like her to enjoy herself and I suspect there are other couples in the same boat." She is enjoying herself in the other places you described. Because she was uncomfortable in the swing club environment even after several visits, she was not enjoying that, and she's tested that arena enough to know. Swinging would not bring her enjoyment...that seems to be what she's been trying to tell you. :)

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If she is reluctan, she is reluctant. If you enjoy your marriage and love your wife, then don't push the idea due to your own selfish needs.

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Ed here:

 

For her going to a Club is like what Erica Jong wrote about watching porn: "After five minutes of watching porn I want to fuck everything in sight. After ten minutes, I never want to fuck again."

 

She gets all charged up and it's all for you. That's not a bad thing. Embrace it.

 

"There's a million things in this world you can have Charlie and a million things you can't". --Captain Kirk

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Each time I have given her assurance, and reassurance, that we are not there to make contact...just watch.

 

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful.

 

While there she tells me despite my assurance, she feels "pressure". I ask her where it's from the pressure and she says the whole atmosphere...that people are there to have sex or find people to have sex with.

 

I wholly agree with Tybee Swing.

 

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful. but... helpful? Helpful for what? Helpful for who? Moreover when you already said:

 

I know I should just drop it but I am obsessed with the idea that we can have some fun if we went in that we might meet some new friends who are a little more open than our existing set of friends. For example, My wife is bi-curious for sure and I would like her to enjoy herself and I suspect there are other couples in the same boat.

 

The "100% guarantee" shouldn't be the bite, the argument to get your own way and bring her there again, to meet your "obsession". It only works if you're statisfied with the whole idea of turning both on to have sex exclusivelly with each other, instead of hoping for some miracle to happen, for new friends able to convince your wife to do the same you was unable to convince her to do so far.

 

There are no tricks here, no recipes, to talk your wife into doing something she dislike and doesn't want to. You may suppose those other guys at the swinger club already manage to talk their wifes (or husbands) into it even if they were unwilling to, that those other guys have the recipe, and to find some solidary guy with enough charity to apply the recipe to your wife.

 

It doesn't work this way. Swingers are there because they share the same expectations and tastes, because they're in the same boat. And to be honest, we've meet people like you (both males and females) wanting their spouses to "give up" and try it... and we often run away from them, because it is a drama prone setting.

 

What we do as swingers, we do it four ourselves, for each other inside this couple. I do it for my wife as much as I do it for myself, giving my wife all the credit for her beliefs, tastes and limits, and sticking to them as if it were the Holy Word.

 

Then, the question for you is: are you doing this for your wife or for yourself? Because if you're doing it for yourself, there's no way for you to hide your intentions from your wife. She already knows you, and she wont buy the product no matter how much you "100% guarantee" it.

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Thanks for all the great replies. I agree my wife is wonderful. As stated in my post, I am looking for advice on how I can just drop the idea altogether; that is how can i give up the idea altogether.

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I wholly agree with Tybee Swing.

 

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful. but... helpful? Helpful for what? Helpful for who?

 

Hi Serenieders,

 

What I meant by that earlier in the thread: If the lady enjoyed the swing club setting (she was very horny after the short visits there), but only enjoyed it for the atmosphere and not participating with others, the husband could give her a 100% guarantee that they would only be there for the atmosphere and nothing else. He would agree to turn down any and all overtures from other people, and it would only be about the two of them. (He would HAVE to keep his word of course, or the deal would be off and she'd lose trust in him.)

 

As a woman - if I felt the same way as she does about not wanting to swing, but the club atmosphere turned me on, that kind of guarantee would work for me. NOT to make me swing of course, but just to make me feel comfortable about going to the club for the two of us. Hope that makes sense!

 

To answer your question, it would be helpful to me as the wife, to be comfortable and to be allowed to enjoy the sexually-charged atmosphere without any pressure about sex with others (knowing that my husband has my back 100% on that).

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Then, the question for you is: are you doing this for your wife or for yourself? Because if you're doing it for yourself, there's no way for you to hide your intentions from your wife. She already knows you, and she wont buy the product no matter how much you "100% guarantee" it.

 

:iagree: If a woman has been subjected to a man trying to convince her or maneuver her toward things she's not interested in, she'll be on the defensive. If she believes there is a chance that once they're in there her husband will start tying to maneuver her (break his word about the guarantee), she won't even bite. Women do know their men!

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OP, you cannot "convince" your wife to do something she is uncomfortable with. Now, I'm not saying you are. I understand your situation....and if you are like me you are curious as to WHY she doesn't want to go lol. To me saying no is usually not enough, I want you to tell me why its no so I feel that I have a better understanding. But thats just me and is probably a character flaw lol. It sounds like swingers clubs are out for you. Now, its funny though because she is OBVIOUSLY highly turned on....I mean, to get nude when you leave is something else. So I honestly do not understand why she does not want to go when she is so sexually charged from it. Hmmm, thats very unusual I think. Maybe a vanilla club will give her this feeling, but I doubt it. I have not been to a vanilla club that allows the sexual charge that swingers clubs allow and give. I don't know. I like the 100% guarantee idea. Now, I do know that some women are frightened (for lack of a better word, I haven't had my coffee yet this morning) of feelings that they are having. Perhaps she is nervous over her own bi-curious feelings because of how she was raised, moral views, etc. and cannot come to terms with her own feelings. I don't know, but I tell you its interesting. I would sit down with her and talk. Do NOT attempt to get her to say yes to the club, because like the other posters said that would put her immediately on the defensive. Rather talk to her about what she is feeling when you are there, why she wants to leave and then is so obviously sexually turned on.

Anyways, best of luck to you. Shelly

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Hubby responding here.

 

Do not force the issue, she has to make the decision (already stated here many times). Agreed, BUT, it took my wife 8 years to decide to do this. So, I can't recommend putting it completely out of your mind, because it had been in the back of my mind for all of those years. We just didn't act on it.

 

We started out going to strip clubs together (she was bi-curious) and I enjoyed the interaction between my wife and the lovely ladies. Very hot!

 

Next, we went to a topless, adult resort. Not swing resort, but there were swingers there who approached us, and started her thinking. I never pushed the issue, and she actually brought it up to me.

 

Next, we went to nudist resorts. This is where we really started to get to know more swingers. Again, we were approached, and invited to private parties.

 

We talked and talked for years before actually deciding to take the plunge.

 

Just know that it takes time to get comfortable with the idea for some. You'd never know it now, but she was very timid at first. ;)

 

Enjoy the sense of freedom she's feeling by being at the nudist resorts, and put the swinging at the back of your mind for now. She may surprise you someday.

 

Mr. D

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Thanks for all the great replies. I agree my wife is wonderful. As stated in my post, I am looking for advice on how I can just drop the idea altogether; that is how can i give up the idea altogether.

 

Sorry that you really haven't received any suggestions yet to your actual query. Perhaps it is because that it isn't a matter of "how can I give up the idea" as opposed to "my wife isn't interested so it's over".

 

Your query suggests an internal struggle of sorts over the wishes of your wife. And it's hard for me personally to offer up a suggestion as to "how to drop it" since I (and others in swinging) would immediately drop whatever we are doing if our spouse or significant other stated it wasn't working for them. Mind you, I might want to talk about the whys, but I'm not going to push something onto my spouse that he doesn't want.

 

My only possible suggestion would be simply stop pushing the swing clubs (which it seems like you are trying to do) and channel that obsession/energy in planning outings to the nude clubs and vacations at nude resorts instead? Investigate more towards the nude-partying aspect instead of the swing club aspect, and see if there is a comfort level there, or a natural progression (or not) towards more risque (to her) activities.

 

Good luck, and I hope others offer an better opinion or two as to his query as to the "how to drop it".

 

Rebecca

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Stay in the nudist lifestyle, go more often, make some friends at the nudist resorts and you will be surprised what time and familiarity will do. This is from a AANR nudist for 15+ years and occasional swinger. :)

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Stay in the nudist lifestyle, go more often, make some friends at the nudist resorts and you will be surprised what time and familiarity will do. This is from a AANR nudist for 15+ years and occasional swinger. :)

 

 

 

Thats good advise, just please allow me to add something.

 

We meet with a couple much the same as you two and lets say the hubby was less than upfront about his wife's feelings, after several meetings at a resort, we ended up at there place for a very nice dinner, this moved to the bedroom for extended forplay...when the wife announced "ohhh you know I'm not a swinger". No problem we polietly end the evening and let things kinda go, but the hubby keeps in contact and invites us everytime they go to the resort.....

 

I guess the point of my story is he's not able to give up on the idea of swinging and she's clearly not a swinger. Just don't try and be something you are not, everyone has to start somewhere, but don't mislead others about where your at in this lifstyle. Most everyone will understand if your upfront about it!

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Hi Serenieders,

 

What I meant by that earlier in the thread: If the lady enjoyed the swing club setting (she was very horny after the short visits there), but only enjoyed it for the atmosphere and not participating with others, the husband could give her a 100% guarantee that they would only be there for the atmosphere and nothing else. He would agree to turn down any and all overtures from other people, and it would only be about the two of them. (He would HAVE to keep his word of course, or the deal would be off and she'd lose trust in him.)

 

As a woman - if I felt the same way as she does about not wanting to swing, but the club atmosphere turned me on, that kind of guarantee would work for me. NOT to make me swing of course, but just to make me feel comfortable about going to the club for the two of us. Hope that makes sense!

 

To answer your question, it would be helpful to me as the wife, to be comfortable and to be allowed to enjoy the sexually-charged atmosphere without any pressure about sex with others (knowing that my husband has my back 100% on that).

 

:iagree: If a woman has been subjected to a man trying to convince her or maneuver her toward things she's not interested in, she'll be on the defensive. If she believes there is a chance that once they're in there her husband will start tying to maneuver her (break his word about the guarantee), she won't even bite. Women do know their men!

 

I believe we're saying the same here. I just pointed out something that catched my attention from the original post, from the choice for the word "obsessed". If that word is really representative about the OP motivations "intensity", then the guarantee is... already "void", so to speak.

 

In many cases it isn't about the reluctanct spouse, but about the other spouse being so eager to game that doesn't give enough space to test the waters nor to withdraw after giving up on something.

 

The only way you'd dare to give this a try is, if you know for sure you can take it back at any time.

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It seems like you have gotten a lot of very good "practical" advice. I am not trying to argue with that. However, it is like a mantra in the lifestyle to "go at the speed of the slowest person" and to the extent a man continues to push an idea, it is considered selfish. This is what I question.

 

Obviously, swinging isn't some activity like tennis where if your wife isn't interested you can go at it with some other interested parties. It does really require both of you to participate. On the other hand, in a marriage or any relationship if one side is always backing down on their desires, it doesn't make for a very good relationship. Shouldn't there be some room for compromise? If there is something that really makes you happy, why isn't your wife interested in pursuing it to some extent? If you know she is really uncomfortable, perhaps you can live with toning down your desire somewhat. It just seems to me that the lifestyle philosophy where if she says no, that is it end of story isn't that healthy for any relationship. There are exceptions to this rule. Some things may truly be "dealbreakers" for one of the parties and if that isn't acceptable, some marriage may not last.

 

Just a thought.

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On the other hand, in a marriage or any relationship if one side is always backing down on their desires, it doesn't make for a very good relationship. Shouldn't there be some room for compromise? If there is something that really makes you happy, why isn't your wife interested in pursuing it to some extent? If you know she is really uncomfortable, perhaps you can live with toning down your desire somewhat. It just seems to me that the lifestyle philosophy where if she says no, that is it end of story isn't that healthy for any relationship. There are exceptions to this rule. Some things may truly be "dealbreakers" for one of the parties and if that isn't acceptable, some marriage may not last.

 

Well, it seems to me the wife already is making an attempt to pursue his happiness, at least to the extent she can take (and enjoying some aspects of it as well). Is seems unfair to suppose the opposite is happening here.

 

But, this also leads to the question of the meaning of "taking one for the team". For any activity, and this includes both tennis and having sex with another couple, even when both paries were in the same page, it is unlikely that they both have the same level of interest or enthusiasm. My wife likes the other guy more than I do like the other wife, or vice versa, but, where's the line drawn between the "it isn't such a big deal" to the "taking one for the team".

 

I believe the line is a subjective and private matter, that has to do with your confort level.

 

Should I pursue my wife happyness at the price of making myself unhappy? And if I do, why the same argument wouldn't fit my wife? She may deprive herself from that EXPECTED hapyness to avoid making me unhappy, right?

 

What's the difference making us advice in one way instead of the other?

 

Well, I believe if you married someone it is because you already put your money in what makes you happy, or what you expected to make you happy if you're not. If you're already happy and your SO too, it doesn't seems fair for some of you to lose something of that happyness to improve the other happyness. And if you're unhappy inside your marriage, it's about your own expectations, but you'd attemp to force your spouse to stick to new expectations beyond the ones fitting the original commitment, and take the burden for your own originally mistaken expectations?

 

That's what leads me to suppose it's selfish to push beyond that line, to ask your spouse to take one for the team.

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Thanks for the great answers and ideas. I am not looking to have the wife take one for the team. I love sex but if all I wanted was sex with different partners and my wife was unwilling to play, then I would get a hooker or find someone(s) to cheat with. Since I don't do that I am really more interested in us, her and I, exploring life together.

 

Since she is saying "no" pretty clearly, I am looking for ways to stop thinking about this as being something that could be fun and find a way to accept her answer, even though right now I think she might want to say yes but is afraid. I'm thinking "get another hobby" is the way to go. More nudism plans, maybe convince her to take up tennis or golf (she hates tennis but is ok with golf). I realize she is not being clear about why she is saying no and I would love to understand that and maybe if I give her 100% guarantee thing she will tell me eventually.

 

Other ideas for dropping the idea or will this always be an issue for us?

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Thanks for the great answers and ideas. I am not looking to have the wife take one for the team. I love sex but if all I wanted was sex with different partners and my wife was unwilling to play, then I would get a hooker or find someone(s) to cheat with. Since I don't do that I am really more interested in us, her and I, exploring life together.

 

Since she is saying "no" pretty clearly, I am looking for ways to stop thinking about this as being something that could be fun and find a way to accept her answer, even though right now I think she might want to say yes but is afraid. I'm thinking "get another hobby" is the way to go. More nudism plans, maybe convince her to take up tennis or golf (she hates tennis but is ok with golf). I realize she is not being clear about why she is saying no and I would love to understand that and maybe if I give her 100% guarantee thing she will tell me eventually.

 

Other ideas for dropping the idea or will this always be an issue for us?

 

I'd say this is a good idea, even as an eventual start point.

 

My wife told me "no" so ephatically more than 15 years ago, than I thought this wasn't for us. I just dropped it, never, ever mentioned the idea again, and 10 years later she bring the whole subject again, on her own. And as she told me, she acknowledged I gave up my own fantasies and desires, and the fact that I didn't insist during all this time reasured herself about the relationship enough as to give it a second tought and analyze (without my participation/disruption) why she was reluctanct, giving the fact that she had no moral issues nor solid arguments against swinging.

 

And your wife is aready way ahead of mine by then: I didn't even manage to contact other people and even less to bring her to a club to test the waters!

 

Since you're giving up, I'd suggest you to let her know that you're making a choice, losing something that you feel it'd be important for you two, as to reasure what you already have and enjoy, asking her not ot forget about this, to take her time to think about this, and to bring the subject back whenever SHE wants. In the meanwhile you commit yourself to drop the subject, but hoping her to keep working on this.

 

And, who knows? It may happen to you the same that happened to me.

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...I realize she is not being clear about why she is saying no and I would love to understand that and maybe if I give her 100% guarantee thing she will tell me eventually...

OK, we're quite the newbies here, but maybe some perspective "from the trenches" of working things out will help.

 

This statement of yours, I think, is the central issue. There are generally two reasons people do the things they do: 1) the one they tell you; 2) the real reason. Unless and until she really, truly understands why she's resistant, and feels comfortable vocalizing it to you, I don't think you're going to get anywhere. In the short time we've been deciding to swing, and now that we've had our first swinging experience, we've realized that the ONLY way we've been able to do it is by being 100% transparent to ourselves and each other. I'd say the larger issues are your wife's self-discovery, her ability to be at peace with what she finds, and her knowing that if she opens herself up to you fully, you truly will accept her for who she is. I know it may sound a bit crazy, because you're making it pretty clear that you're more than OK with potential bi-sexuality, etc. But she has to FEEL that you're really OK with all of who she really is. When we started allowing ourselves to see who we really are and what we really want, and opened up all of our deepest, darkest selves to each other, magic started happening. And we both love each other more for who we truly are than we ever thought possible.

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't mention anything related to sex outside your marriage. She doesn't need you to give her a 100% guarantee that you'll only go as far as she's comfortable--she needs to believe a 100% guarantee that you're not afraid of seeing her for who she truly is.

 

A bit of a ramble, but there you have it.

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I'd say the larger issues are your wife's self-discovery, her ability to be at peace with what she finds, and her knowing that if she opens herself up to you fully, you truly will accept her for who she is. I know it may sound a bit crazy, because you're making it pretty clear that you're more than OK with potential bi-sexuality, etc. But she has to FEEL that you're really OK with all of who she really is.

 

Rambling my ass...

 

This is excellent insight and couldn't be more true. For many women in swinging, the key is trust - they need to be able to trust the motives of their husband and know that they are not there to push them into something, but to be their partner in the adventure.

 

Spoomonkey

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She doesn't need you to give her a 100% guarantee that you'll only go as far as she's comfortable--she needs to believe a 100% guarantee that you're not afraid of seeing her for who she truly is.

Well put!

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Some may think my reply is a bit crass. But I would try to take your wife to a club while she is ovulating. Hell, I'd even sleep with Dick Cheney while I'm ovulating. Beyond that, my friend, just be grateful you have a wife who loves jumping your bones! Even if she doesn't want to go all the way, it's pretty cool knowing she gets turned on by it. 85% of good sex is in the mind. Sounds as though your wife has a fine mind.

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Some may think my reply is a bit crass. But I would try to take your wife to a club while she is ovulating. Hell, I'd even sleep with Dick Cheney while I'm ovulating. Beyond that, my friend, just be grateful you have a wife who loves jumping your bones! Even if she doesn't want to go all the way, it's pretty cool knowing she gets turned on by it. 85% of good sex is in the mind. Sounds as though your wife has a fine mind.

 

So, what you're purposing the OP here is to take advantage of his wife (supposedly) vulnrability under the hormones rush? Why not to add some alcohol to the mix to help her ease a little more?

 

And, what would be your advice for the next day, after the hormones rush, when she regrets what she did the night before, losing all the turst on his husband capability and good will to look after her when she's vulnerable? A lobotomy?

 

:nono:

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ask her why,much more there than uncomfortable,when she is ready as you talk it may come,and you get to know deep personel things,I never realy felt loved the way I loved others. Well that was the old me,I am sorry that it took 20 years for me to get it right.LOL The will only be 40 or 50 but once!! Happy Swinging!!

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