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Thread: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YOUR HELP!!!

  1. #1

    Default Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YOUR HELP!!!

    My old college girlfriend of 3 years has recently moved in with me. I have often thought that she is "the one" that I would like to spend the rest of my life with. It is becoming more serious now and we have even talked about getting engaged and eventually married. The only problem is that she is not into the lifestyle and has stated that I need to get out of it if we are to be married. Is this a deal-breaker??? If we were to get married, would this later be an issue enough that our relationship would come to an end? Is there anyone out there who has gotten married under similar circumstances that can lend my some helpfull advice?

    I appreciate all of your advice.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    It is a huge mistake for anyone to marry thinking that the other person WILL change - or that they CAN change the person.

    It is far more rational [and makes a stronger foundation] for a marriage or LTR if each love [and accept] one another as they are.

    It would seem then, that the decision is yours to make - whether your involvement in the lifestyle is important enough you are unwilling to give it up. Certainly it would be very wrong if you planned to continue while keeping it apart and secret from her. That is cheating in anyone's eyes - in or out of the lifestyle.

    Over time, once the lady has grown to trust that you place your relationship as your highest priority, it is possible she might consider the lifestyle differently. It would have to be a choice she felt comfortable and willing to make without any pressure from you. It could take months, more likely it would take years. You would need to leave the subject alone until she did get there and you would need to move just as cautiously and/or slowly as she wanted.

    If you cannot accept that it may never happen and be happy with the relationship the two of you have without the lifestyle, then I believe it would be a mistake [and wrong for both of you] to marry.

    WR

  3. #3

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    It's fairly simple, if you cannot give up the lifestyle in order to have her you'll never be the man she thinks she is getting married to. You'll both be living a lie, she believing you gave it up, but you hinting that you wouldn't mind getting back into the lifestyle. This will lead to trust issues since at some stage she'll start wondering if you ever really gave it up etc, etc...

    You need to answer this one for yourself. Is she such a good match to you in every other aspect that giving up swinging will be easy, or will you battle with the thought of pursuing swinging vs staying loyal to your wife?

    Like wr has said, don't go into the relationship thinking she'll change her mind. IF she does, it probably won't happen within years...

    Good luck, I hope you make the right choice, whatever that may be...

  4. #4

    Default Accept things at face value

    This is far too serious a situation to attempt to read between the lines. Either abandon thoughts of swinging and marry her or make a clean break and move on. After three years you owe each other honesty. It appears all her cards are face up, you do the same.
    fun_pairTX

  5. #5

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    It should be a deal-breaker. You can't go into something like a marriage with the idea that something you don't like will change later. So basically, yes, you have to decide what is more important to you swinging your hopeful fiance.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    Run for your life while you still can!
    58 years old and married for 34 of 'em.
    "Caged contentedly, yet still looking out beyond the bars."

  7. #7

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    Thank you everyone for your views. Some of it was what I expected to hear, some was what I wanted to hear, and the rest was what I feared I would hear. Nonetheless, thank you EVERYONE for your views. This is a wonderful site and it is made so by people like yourselves...

    And especially by Julie of course... she is soooo hot!

  8. #8

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    If you're thinking of marrying her... either she is compatable or not. What you've said here sounds like she's not. I've had many relationships, but the only one that's worked has been the one where we're both on the same page!!!! We always bend for the other and love experiencing things with the other... we are "two peas in a pod" that's what makes a successful relationship.

    k, two cents
    DJ
    Life is good, but We're Awesome !!!

  9. #9

    Talking Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    I had the same exact situation. Introduced my fiance to nude sunbathing by taking her to classiest club in America. When she was comfortable I took her to the nicest swingers club I could find as an intoduction only to see if she would be at all comfortable. I had been in the lifestyle with previous girlfriend for years. My lady was very reluctant.

    We went to several clubs for two years to observe and get naked and make love to each other in the company of swingers. I did not give an ultimatum but suggested all the benefits of the lifestyle and pointed out the sheer bliss the couples were sharing. I appealed to her sexuality. She has now gone from "now way" two years ago to becoming a very active swinger who turns on an entire room. The key was no pressure and moving at her very slow pace. Yes, I think she felt she would lose me if she did not at least explore the possibility. We are deeply in love and will soon be getting married, and may do so at a class swingers club.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    (IMHO)As a woman, if your gf would not be interested in the lifestyle at all....and you aren't wanting to give it up. Marriage may not be a choice for the two of you. If you marry, things may just get worse.

    You need to give alot of thought to what you want out of life. Is swinging more important that a girl you are consider marrying?

    Just talk to her, it wouldn't be fair for her to be married to a man that she wants all to her self intimately, when you are wanting more from the relationship than just her.

    Thats just my opinion for what it's worth.


    R
    "I've been a very bad girl, but you have to admit I was very, very good at it" ~Halle Berry~

  11. #11

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    Well - if Mrs Spoomonkey had told me, when we were dating, that she loved me, but hated my feet - and the only way she'd marry me was if I cut them off, I'd have been oiling up the chainsaw...

    So that's extreme, but I fell in love with my soulmate...

    She is who I want to be with for the rest of my life - regardless. Whether she wants to swing - go to midnight showings of movies on a whim - or watch me get shit-faced and yell at my beloved Browns... It isn't always a popular sentiment, but I would give up anything to be with her...

    If this isn't the woman whom you'd do that for - maybe the deal is already broken...

    Spoomonkey
    Last edited by Spoomonkey; 11-12-2004 at 09:33 PM.
    "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." - C. S. Lewis

  12. #12

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Spoomonkey
    Well - if Mrs Spoomonkey had told me, when we were dating, that she loved me, but hated my feet - and the only way she'd marry me was if I cut them off, I'd have been oiling up the chainsaw...

    So that's extreme, but I fell in love with my soulmate...

    She is who I want to be with for the rest of my life - regardless. Whether she wants to swing - go to midnight showings of movies on a whim - or watch me get shit-faced and yell at my beloved Browns... It isn't always a popular sentiment, but I would give up anything to be with her...

    If this isn't the woman whom you'd do that for - maybe the deal is already broken...

    Spoomonkey
    Exactly, either you love her with all your heart or you don't. And if you don't, do her a kindness and walk away now. If you do love her with all your heart, swinging won't be the only thing you will have to give up before the relationship has gone very far and if she loves you she will give up a few things probably too.
    Why is it we can pleasure ourselves but not tickle ourselves?

  13. #13

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Hottimes
    If we were to get married, would this later be an issue enough that our relationship would come to an end?.
    If you were to get married under the assumption that you had given up the lifestyle, then this would absolutely be a deal-breaker, if you did not. As others have said, you need to decide for yourself what is most important. I'd garner to say that the vast majority of couples who are swingers, value their relationship with each other, first and foremost. Everything else is just icing. You need to decide which part of the cake you prefer. Just remember that without the cake, icing is nothing more than a lonely mass in a can or a remnant on your mixer...
    Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

  14. #14

    Default Re: Future fiance would like me out of the lifestyle. I NEED YUR HELP!!!

    I think everyone else has summed up what i feel very well. Which is more important to you?

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