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Thread: Uncomfortable with him being with someone more attractive than me

  1. #1

    Default Uncomfortable with him being with someone more attractive than me

    My husband and I are new to this- we had one experience with a second guy about a year ago that went quite well, but neither of us have been with another couple, either in this relationship or previous ones. We are very interested in this idea though, and have met some people online that are possiblities. The problem I am running up against is in his choice of the female side of the couple. I certainly am not trying to enforce that he be with someone he doesn't find attractive, but personally I am uncomfortable with him being with someone that I perceive as much more attractive than myself. With the one couple that he is trying to initiate something with, the female is much younger than me, has a much larger chest (something I have always been paranoid about), and is overall more attractive than I am. Is this weird for me to want him to be with someone a little less threatening? He thnks that I am being impossibly insecure- I disagree and think this is a normal response, especially to a new idea. Maybe once I had tried this before and knew a little bit more about how it would go, I would have an easier time letting him pick the women, but to start out with, I would like him to be a little more considerate adn let me start with a situatin I don't feel threatened by. I guess what I would like to hear from some of you is if you ever felt this way or have any rules set in place that allows each part of the couple to approve every additional person. Is this a normal response, and if not, should I just try to get over it or does this mean that I am not meant for this type of lifestyle? This is a funny situation to me because when we were jsut starting out, he was quite jelous of anyone I said two words to, and now he claims that this will not bother him at all as long as we are both in it together.

  2. #2


    Hi, Jennifer:

    I'm a newbie, too, and it sounds as if my wife and I have basically the same level of experience as you--one multi-male outing, but no swap with a couple. So, while I'm hardly an expert, I can definitely relate to what you and your husband are going through as you consider swapping partners.

    This is one of the major things my wife and I have discussed as we consider the idea, and we haven't really come to an agreement--more discussion is needed.

    I can't speak for my wife, but my sense is she feels very similar to you. She's absolutely adorable, in great shape for her age and place in life (mom with kids, hard-working with little time for working out, etc.), and she gets plenty of attention from men, my friends included. Yet, one of her biggest concerns going into this is that she "isn't attractive enough"--she wants to lose weight, she's worried about any sagging caused by motherhood and age, etc. She's slowly coming to grips with it, and I do all I can to support her and remind her of how beautiful she is and that if I had even a 1% doubt of my love or loyalty to her or our relationship, I wouldn't risk swinging out of fear that we'd end up apart.

    If that's true, then why should an extremely attractive female be a threat, right? But I suspect it is, even though she hasn't come out and said it in so many words. As I said, we need to discuss this more, and doing so openly involves her coming to grips with the insecurity over her own body image. It's a major reason why we're not rushing.

    At the same time, I can honestly say that in any potential couple, I hope the male half is very good-looking. Call us shallow, but we'll admit that physical attraction is a major component for us in considering swinging partners, and my attitude is that if you're going to do it, DO IT! Knowing that a knockout of a guy found her desirable would only add to my excitement. That's not to say that we wouldn't consider less-attractive couples--I'd MUCH rather an average-looking couple who's down to earth than a beautiful one with their noses up in the air. But if I'm going to watch her with another guy, I'd just as soon know that his looks are a major turn-on for her, and that she's acting out a fantasy on that level, as well as a physical one. And being with an equally attractive woman would be just as exciting to me, but it would be spoiled if I knew my wife felt overly threatened by her.

    As far as your husband's change of heart--having been jealous in the past, but now assuring you he won't be if you're with someone else with him present--perhaps he's like me. Before my wife ever slept with anyone else, I got uptight if another guy even looked at her. But once I'd observed her letting loose in all her sexual glory and watched another guy please her while knowing she was going home with me, etc., the jealousy diminished greatly, becoming just another part of the overall excitement I get from such experiences--letting go a little bit, feeling the tug, and knowing I have nothing to worry about, being free to enjoy it for what it's worth.

    Or, perhaps he just grew up a bit--as I also did--and became more confident in your love for one another. Or both.

    Just some thoughts based on my and my wife's experiences. Good luck in your journey!

  3. #3


    My wife and I have even less experience (none!). We're talking about how we might proceed ...with another couple, or a 3-some, etc. All I say is that for us, we both know that we have to make the other comfortable and start slowly. So i dont think any request sounds unreasonable if it makes one of you more comfortable. My wife (who I think is a knockout) sometimes feels unattractive too. Anything that makes her feel more at ease is ok by me.

  4. #4


    I'm just curious. What does the husband of the other couple look like? I think leftcoastcouple made an interesting point, which I also share. I figure if my wife isn't going to be attracted to the guy, what's the point for her?

    Every couple is different. I think my wife thinks more along your lines, and I'm the more secure one. Or maybe it's just a worry that women have more than men in general about their bodies, which unfortunately, us men have probably perpetrated. But by the same token, I've got to believe my wife also finds the body I had 20 years ago more attractive than the one I've got now.

  5. #5



    Well first off i think all women have something about themselves they dont like...especially if we have had kids...we no longer look or feel like we are 17 anymore!

    We have been swinging for a year now and we started out with the same feelings. I (the she half) didnt want him with anyone i thought was better looking than me. I cant explain why though, I didnt fear loosing him i just didnt want some other woman to turn him on more than i do is what i think. For 20 years he never got jelous but .....when guys that i talked to got racey with me well the green monster came out. We talked alot and worked through it. I think when you get into swinging there will always be that little green monster lurking out there. The idea of letting your spouse have sex and flirt and tease openly with another takes a little getting used to. But as time goes by you realize that there is nothing to fear. you have to start where you feel comfy and work up from there.

    I now get real turned on by a real sexy woman turning my hubby on and teasing him and flirting with him. To see how he eats up the attention is a real turn on. The idea of someone really hot being turned on by my hubby is a real complement to me. We both like to know that the couple we are with turns us both on. And that there is an attraction there. If you arent physically attracted to the one you are with it takes the fun out of it. We want to know that when we are on our way home from playtime that we both leave with a huge smile! Before any play time we both have to agree on the couple....We both want to make sure there is an attraction and that no one is "taking one for the team".

    When we first started if i felt even a ting of jelousy we moved on to the next couple. But as we got into this the jelousy has gone away. It takes time to feel comfy with every aspect of this lifestyle. If anything makes one of us uncomfortable we talk about why it did and try to change it so it doesnt happen again. My best advice is to talk talk open and honest and respect the other ones wishes. Dont do the "say what you think they want to hear" because it will never work. Take your time and dont jump into the lifestyle head first. Take your time and move at everyones comfort level. As you progress feelings about some things change and you adapt. Set rules and when the need be change rules when everyone is in agreement. Make sure the option of saying NO is always there without there being a fight for saying it. Always respect what the others fears are and work through them.

    With this i say good luck and welcome to the will get lots of good info here!!

    my 2 cents for today! s

  6. #6


    has a much larger chest (something I have always been paranoid about), and is overall more attractive than I am

    this very statement is why I sometimes look at the threads and polls on penis size, breast size and the like and wonder if those threads are at all productive,,,if fact I believe they are counter productive to the mainstream focus of the board,,,,,,,,information, and helping people with the lifestyle

    most everyone has some aspect of thier body that they wished was different,,,,,,, I am assuming by the comment that you have smaller breasts than you'd like to have,,,,,,,,,well I'm a small breast kinda guy and there are lots of us out there,,,,,,,but I am also the kinda guy who enjoys someones company for who they are much more than how they look. if you look at many of the threads here, there is as much talk about personality and character as there is about appearance.

    as for jealousy, others with more expierence have answered well. I can say, that if my SO was with a GREAT looking guy and was having a GREAT time, there may be a bit of jealousy, but she would know that there is nothing to it, and she would tell me so. my guess is that when you two had a MFM, you knew who you love and knew he didn't have anything to worrry about. when your man is with another woman, he too will know who he loves and that you have nothing to worry about, in the same way, remind yourself of that, perhaps it will help

    and talk talk talk,,,,,,,,,,,and for heavens sake, know that there are all different looks, shapes, and sizes, love what you see in the mirror, he does

    I got a sweater for Christmas,,,,,,,,what I wanted was a moaner or a screamer!

  7. #7


    Wow, We have kind of the opposite problem. My wife says that I'm not picky enough, she prefers the woman to be as attractive as possible because she say's that it's a big turn on for her if some really hot babe finds me attractive. On the other hand, she doesn't have any major concerns about her own looks and our 18 year relationship is very solid so maybe that makes the difference.

    Of course it could also be that she has large breasts, is very shapely and porportional, works out 3-5 times a week, and is 40 years old but has never had any kids. Nah, that couldn't be it, no way.


  8. #8


    First, let me make a general comment that y'all have opened my eyes to something. I never would have imagined that someone would be turned on particularly because a good looking man or woman was attracted to their partner. Jealousy or insecurity I could fathom, but not that. Very interesting! I thank you for that insight. I'm turned on when someone is attracted to J, but it makes no difference to me if he looks like Brad Pitt or Homer Simpson, as long as she's happy

    Now, as to your question, jeniffer_8...

    I don't think it's weird at all that you want to be part of the decision making on who he should swing with. Yes, you're supposed to be doing this together. If you feel threatened, for any reason, how will you enjoy the experience? He needs to understand that and I'd slow down until he does.

    "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
    All about us...

  9. #9


    this very statement is why I sometimes look at the threads and polls on penis size, breast size and the like and wonder if those threads are at all productive
    RMR, you make some very good points, this being one of them. As a newbie who read darn near this entire site to get a sense of what makes swingers tick and gain the confidence to approach my wife seriously about swinging, I took a step or two back every time I encountered such a post.

    Frankly, I have a smaller-than-average penis, and I worry about rejection on that basis when we approach another couple, to the point where at times I think we'll never actually do it. But then I read all the supportive posts elsewhere on the boards and wonder, Geez, are these people really pursuing the same activity as the appearance-and-perfection folks who tend to post on AFF, where we first began our "reasearch?" Screw perfection--it's boring!

    most everyone has some aspect of thier body that they wished was different,,,,,,, I am assuming by the comment that you have smaller breasts than you'd like to have,,,,,,,,,well I'm a small breast kinda guy and there are lots of us out there,,,,,,,but I am also the kinda guy who enjoys someones company for who they are much more than how they look.
    Amen to that (including the small breast part)! In re-reading my response above, I realized how superficial it sounded, as if conventional "attractiveness" was paramount to everything else, which shortchanged the point I was trying to make. In hindsight, I shouldn't have edited out one key part that was originally in there: Cliched as it seems, beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

    Both the wife and I have less-than-conventional views of what we consider attractive, and I imagine that we're not alone. I tend to like slightly "nerdy" girl-next-door types, and she likes nice guys who look like they'd be the unattached cousin at your best friend's wedding. But even beyond that, both of us frequently find folks who wouldn't be considered particularly attractive by conventional standards to be quite so if they're interesting, fun to be around, have interests we share, or in some cases, are just different or quirky in a way we find appealing. I often get a kick out of our eclectic taste.

    So with the confidence I'm gaining from reading these boards (for which I thank you all), I say find your strengths, learn how to flaunt them, and by all means, don't let the weaker parts of your appearance hold you back if this is something you really want to do. And if your husband truly loves you, he's not going to fall for a pair of boobs or whatever the other woman has. In fact, yours probably look appealing to him in a way that's different from all others simply because they're yours. I know that's how it is for me.

  10. #10

    Default Thanks

    Thanks for all of the helpful replies- I do indeed feel better about it now, although I still think maybe this first try should be with someone I feel at least a little more on even ground with. I don't want to spend my first experience paranoid that my body will never measure up after he is with her. I think biblonde stated pretty much what I am feeling- I don't fear that he will leave me for someone else, I just can't stand that thought of him thinking that someone else is sexier than me. I think possibly once we try it, it might get easier- actions speak louder than words and I hope he will handle it sensitively and make sure that I realize that I am the one he loves after all is said and done. We just have such a great sexual connection- I don't want him to have as strong a connection with anyone else. I sometimes fear this feeling is one sided (although he says not)- he is by far the best and most open lover that I have had, but he has a good bit more experience than me and had a bit more of a varied past before I came along. Plus he is one of those remarkable men that gets off most on pleasing his partner- I just want to be the one he wants to please most. Also, I think he is much more into physical attractiveness in his partners than I am- he is rather critical at times, not of me, but of other women who we happen to comment on. But being so into physical attractiveness to me means that he would be more easily swayed into deeper feelings for someone based purely on that. Its not as if I want him to be with someone he doesn't find attractive, but surely if there is a gradient of attractiveness, then there should be some female who isn't as threatening to me but is pleasing to him, right? ANd could she just be a little older? I just turned thirty this year and am a little preoccupied with the changes I have seen in the last year or so, and I don't need a 23 year old to remind of what is in my past. Anyway, we are working on it, but I do appreciate all the advice and I really liked hearing the male viewpoint on this, as I sometimes feel he is so careful of hurting my feelings that he doesn't always fill me in completely on how he feels about things. I think women usually are more sensitive to this idea- we are so judged on our looks, and age and babies seem to take their toll. Unless we are a 5'10" size 2 blonde with at least C -cup breasts and thighs like a fit 20 year olds (images we are bombarded with all the time), we often don't feel like we completely measure up. WHile I hope I can become more comfortable with the idea of him being with someone more attractive than me, I can't ever see me getting more turned based on the attractiveness of the women coming on to him. Oh,and for he whom asked, the male part of the couple is attractive, but not as much as the female in my opinion. Or maybe he's just not my type.

  11. #11


    We have to realize , as women, that men are much more visual creatures than we are. Women tend to not only look at looks but other qualities in a man.

    It took me a while to fully understand that just because she (in my opinion) was better looking that my hubby didnt find me more attractive. He may think a woman is beautiful with a great bod but I will always be the one he is most attracted to. When we first got into this i was against any woman who i thought looked better than me...but now i know that i will be the one that he wants, He may get way turned on by her but it is always just physical. I have found that this lifestyle has made him even more attracted to me. He says he finds me even more sexy than ever. I now search out women that i feel are very attractive (well some for selfish reasons on my part! LOL) And we both discuss their looks. I dont mind him saying a woman is hott or sexy. And with the same token he wants the man to be someone i am attracted to. That makes the playtime more fun to do! Once you learn to seperate physical attraction and love, it becomes easyer. Everyone is always at some point going to notice someone more sexy than their SO.... You have to remember that you are the one he choose to marry and make a life with.

  12. #12



    Hubby and I still consider ourselves new too, but wanted to just point one thing out that has helped us.

    We have talked with several cples over the internet, some were more attractive then others. However after meeting a few of them, our view of the cples changed, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

    One of our first experiences, the female half of the other cple was gorgeous, and of course i had all the same reactions you are having...However, after meeting the couple, and seeing how they reacted towards me and towards each other, the other female half put me at ease and it ended up being a very enjoyable night.

    In meeting another cple, the female half was very beautiful, and she knew it, infact 80% of the conversation was about her looks. Which put my hubby off and the night ended with dinner.

    My suggestion would be not to jump into anything you are not ready for, however you may want to think about meeting one of the cples that he is interested in meeting. You may feel that way now, but perhaps meeting for dinner and conversation may ease your worries.

    my belated 2-cents

  13. #13


    Wow! What an interesting thread! I had never realized the affect that a woman that was perceived as more attractive could have!

    We are new to the lifestyle and have had a few experiences, but on more than one occasion the female half of the couple has felt threatened by me. I never understood why, I don't think I am better looking, or sexier than any other woman, I am smaller than most of the women that we have met.

    After reading this discussion, I have a better idea of where they might be coming from. Although I don't know what can be done about it. I don't feel I am threatening in anyway, and it has really bothered me that they perceived me as a threat.

    So my question would be, how does a woman make herself less threatening to the female half of a couple?


  14. #14


    I, personally, don't think there is anything the other woman can do. I (female half of the couple) have the same problem about being insecure with really pretty women sometimes. I usually get over it pretty quick, but it's a "me" thing. Not a "you" thing. I know (and don't take this wrong, I 'm not conceited) I am very pretty. I'm 36 years old and people still mistake me for mid twenties, I'm tall, thin and attractive. That doesn't make me feel any better though! LOL! I'm small chested, and I don't think I have a shapely enough figure. I feeeeel old some days and sometimes I feel just down right yucky! Other days I could stand next to anyone and it wouldn't bother me a bit. Go figure! I guess we all have our insecurities, and sometimes they rear their ugly heads. Probably the only person, other than myself, that would stand a chance at making me feel more secure would be my husband, and he tends to do a pretty darn good job of it.

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