How can you tell if they want to back out?

[angihay]

Ok another question I have yet to figure an answer for looking for all advice again! So how can yout ell if someone is trying to back out gracefully or just plain doesn't know what the heck they want in swinging?

We have a cpl we have met them twice so far talk to them almost everyday but they well she is very indiscriminate on when and if we are going to get together again. She wants to hang out with me I have gone out with them once by myself just as friends nothing happend. I even tried the ok let's see if she says hi first if I notice she's on she always does.

I know the guy is totally into me! He wants me bad but with her and hubby don't know if she's just not into him or what. One minute she's all ok not sure I want to be swinging right now the next it's we will get together! Then I ask them fora a specific date they both were like yes and I asked them to be sure since I have to take a day off work right then after I do because they r sure she makes plans to do somthing else and he is totally bummed! Needless to say I am now working that day thank goddness they scheduled me anyway could use the money but what do you all think here?

Or is she just nuts? Just kidding looking for input!

[yawanna]

omg we've had that type of relationship with a couple, too! In the end (it went on over a year) we never ever played with them.

We talked to them both separately for a long time online, then we got together for dinner many times. She wasn't feeling well quite often and was on medication so we'd meet for dinner when she was doing well. But, they always left right after dinner. A few times they sent an email asking us to come over that night, but I wouldn't see the email til the next day. They would invite us over last minute so that never happened.

They confided finally that she had been up and down about playing (no pun intended) but that they had talked about it and were now both feeling good enough to do more with us. We arranged to meet for dinner and talk about it more. Again, they left right after dinner before we'd had any discussion about swinging together.

Weeks later, they came online and asked us to come over to play. We said we didn't think we could do that, they asked why, we said because we've met for dinner to talk about it, and that didn't happen so we weren't feeling comfortable in coming over to play without having that discussion first.

They got mad and deleted us from their online contacts...literally bang zoom they were gone.

I'm very interested in hearing responses to your posting angihay....maybe can shed some insight into what happened to us.

[fun_pairTX]

There are people that you are destined to play with and those that become friends and once you make it to that juncture there is no going back. We don't have any set rules regarding it, but generally if we don't play with a couple on the second meeting we never do. This is not by any particular standard, over the years it has just worked out that way.

On the subject of inconsideration, if I took a day off for a specific meeting and the other couple scheduled over it, I would write them off immediately especially if they were the hot/cold type you are referring to. Life is too short to deal with people that can't keep it together.

[angihay]

Thank you for your replies hoping to get more as well. Still confused lol will let you know as it progresses here!

[bear_n_bunny]

Once upon a time, it was my first time. Bear and I were very lucky to have found an understanding couple. A couple who we enjoyed just hanging out with as well as being intrigued enough to swing with. Since I was the hold out, I made discussed in email and table talk my fears and expectations. By the time we finally got naked I was OK. In point of fact, I was wondering what I was worried about in the first place.

I only bring this up because if I met a couple where I felt either party was the least reluctant, I'd drop them in heart beat. I think there is difference between being reluctant to take that first step and needing reassurance, and playing at the idea of swinging. I think it's rude to waste peoples time. Heck, Bear and I only have every other Saturday free, I know how we feel when we get canceled on, so we try our best not to cancel.

Our general rule of thumb is to email, meet, and play. If the other couple never seems enthused enough to make the play date, we stop trying. All I can think of is how horrid it would be for Bear to start playing with a lady who really didn't want to be there. We'd much rather spend an evening alone that try to read another couples mind.

-- Bunny

[angihay]

Ok so small new development I decided to not contact her you know let her if she wants. Last night I see her online and I don't say anything. Then I get an im from her saying hi. So of course I say hi back right. Then it's how r u, fine how r u ? ect. then bam well gotta go just wanted to say hi. So even more confusing lol! By the way I think I forgot to mention we have been with this couple as in swinging once before. My hubby did do her but I didn't do him, Wasn't ready yet. So I guess I am trying to decide if I want to continue this or just stop all together. I mean say we do get together again then this starts again, then what? Anyway thanks again for your posts will keep you updated.

[cwrather]

You know, we have a similar situation. People write to us and when we exchange an e-mail or two and then we never hear from them again.

what's up with that?

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
There are people that you are destined to play with and those that become friends and once you make it to that juncture there is no going back.

I think fun_pairTX pretty much summed it up for us. We have a couple of people that we have talked to in our local area, for well over a year. We have talked to them via IM and e-mail and met for dinner with one of them. While we have become friends of sorts, I don't think that we will ever make it to the playing stage. To be quite frank, we don't even have any expectation of playing with them anymore. But they are, like minded friends, regardless. And in my opinion, that is fine too.

[JustAskJulie]

I'd have to say it sounds like she doesn't know if she wants to be swinging or not. One minute she's sure she does and it sounds fun, but the next minute she's had time to think about it and the doubts creep in.

I would say, definately give them time and try to make friends with them without being pushy about the sex. Once she feels comfortable with the idea that you aren't all about the sex... then she may come around and be more eager to get together without the doubts that creep in.

[Elusive BiFem]

I believe quite a few people find the idea of swinging quite thrilling and titillating and enjoy the conversations/e-mails with others. Yet when faced with the reality, they have second thoughts. Maybe living vicariously?

The other thing...you said,

"I know the guy is totally into me! He wants me bad ..."

Could it be she is experiencing some insecurities and doubts?

The part about promising to meet and backing out...now that's a bird of a different color. I believe I would have to have a serious talk with her over that before planning another meeting. Like you said...having to take a day off work... ...for nothing?

-EBF

[thekolonel]

Similar experience here. We've known one couple for several months that's always inviting us out to parties, hanging around us the whole time and flirting heavily. They've even invited us to travel with them. But when it comes down to it they never seem ready to play. Finally got em home last weekend, polished off a bottle of wine and the female half decided it was time to go.

Fun_pair's experience matches ours. If it doesn't happen early on then it's not going to happen. This applies to couples and (especially) single women. In an ideal world, people would own up to their fears and give you a chance to talk through them, as bunny did, but in my experience that rarely happens. If you don't have momentum you should cut your losses.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm curious to know if this is the same couple you were referring to in this thread:

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...&threadid=7186

[Indycpl]

Yep...we've experienced this too. We cooresponded with them for literally months before finally getting together. Once we got together, while flirtatious, it was also platonic. He was eager to keep getting together, and she was always 'not feeling well or busy.' We just took it at face value and stopped invited them on specific dates. We started inviting them to 'run into us' when we were already out instead. Believe it or not, it took the pressure off her, and they started meeting us out more. Now we've become pretty good friends (but have only played with them once.) After getting to know them much better, they opened up to us and told us that 'she' is very reluctant about expectations and is really concerned about being in a situation where she might feel expected to do something she will regret.

NOW... they are always asking 'US' to get together with them, and we have an excellent time when we do. As far as the playing.. it is hit or miss.. all depends on the mood of the evening... and for us.. that is a good situation.

My point... Don't miss work or break plans in hopes for a plan with them.... and let the chips fall as they will. Chances are.. either it will take the pressure off, or the whole thing will phase out.

[autumn528]

We've had the same experience. One couple had contacted us via SLS. Based on thier profile we all seemed to be on the same page. We started e-mailing each other and exchanged phone numbers. They asked that we leave messages as they were screening phone calls for some reason or another and would be happy to elaborate over dinner. We told them we were free the following Saturday and asked if they would like to meet. They accepted the invitation. Then the next day they asked us to send another photo as they suddenly believed that the pics on SLS were phonies. We wished them good luck in thier endevours and turned off the light. This was frustrating on a few levels. In the first place they contacted us. Secondly, we were wiiling to travel as they wanted to meet closer to thier home. Thirdly, we have children and precious little time for ourselves so we don't like to waste it. In truth, we haven't found many couples on the board that intrigue us. Those that do, we are more than willing to meet. I guess it's hard to sort through so many fakes or people that really just want to dabble.