Rejection

[Pat_38NV]

My husband and I almost always reply courteously, either in e-mail, or even in person, that we aren't interested or that simply the 'vibes' are not right. Three-quarters of the time they respect that and all is well. I think that is because we have pretty well screened people to get to the go/no-go point in the first place. By that time we pretty much know how to address the issue.

What makes me mad, and it could just be me, are those that follow up with 'Why not?' To me, if we say 'no thanks', then the subject is over. Maybe its none of their business as to why not. In the very least they need to respect that as our answer.

We have been rejected at times as well, and when that happens we don't push it. If we did, we know SOMEONE was going to be strained somehow. There are other people to get to know without getting bent out of shape over each rejection.

[Greg & Sheryl]

We use a standard response to couples online that we decice to reject:

"Thank you for writing. We appreciate your interest in us, but we must reject your offer."

We make it a point to not to give any reason why we rejected them. This is in the spirit of the lifestyle's universal rule, "No means no." Furthermore, because getting rejected is painful enough, going into detail about why you rejected someone can be akin to "twisting the knife."

In wrnakedru's rejection e-mail, the rejected couple possibly felt that wrnakedru was personally criticizing them, so they felt compelled to respond. That doesn't mean that they should have responded, but a less detailed rejection would have been less likely to elict anger.

One couple had the audacity to write back to let us know they weren't interested because Greg was black. Not only was it painful to get rejected because of the color of Greg's skin, but we felt misled because their ad didn't mention anything about their racial preferences. But as much as we wanted to defend ourselves, we let the situation end right there. After all, "No means no."

A number of couples we write to never bother writing back. In some ways that's easier to take than being directly rejected, but it always leaves us with a feeling of resentment toward the other couple for not showing us any common courtesy. Still, we realize there are a lot of flakes on the internet, so we try to not let that bother us too much.

[customhardtail]

We respond to all e-mails. If we are not interested we just say "Thanks for the interest. Sorry we're not interested right now." and leave it at that.

If we get a reply from someone that we contacted and they are not interested. Then that is that...

Where I have a hard time is when we have e-mailed with others and all seems great, then we meet them and there is now physical attraction. That's when I have a hard time telling them that we aren't interested...never know what to say.

[customhardtail]

OOOOPPPPSSSS! Meant no physical attraction.:slam"

[SyberG&C]

Weve went to parties were couples
that were pushy or just not into our
rules. Weve tried a few aproaches
but telling someone you thought
was right for you online but now
met and decided against is the
hardest thing to do. We didnt want
to just dissapear but when you
explain things just didnt fire up.
Things sure do fire up! Were still
putting a few out lol

G&C

[Elusive BiFem]

All in all, I think many of us make too big a deal out of rejection. Both being rejected and serving rejection. Myself included sometimes, although I have gotten better with both. Practice on both ends of the scale, I suppose.

I try to always remember that just like I am not attracted to everyone I meet...everyone that meets me is not attracted to me. That doesn't make either of us right or wrong. Just different in what we personally feel attracted to. I respect their opinions and anticipate they will respect mine. If they do and we do, we may on occasion become friends with similar interests. If not, then I don't want them for a friend anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Rejection should always be given and received with finesse - leaving the giver or receiver feeling good about themselves in spite of the differences in attraction. Some people are rude and will never be anything but. If so, that is THEIR problem as long as I feel comfortable that I've handled things well on my end. And that works both ways. -EBF

[yawanna]

Wow! Interesting reading!

We've gotten the obviously form letters on the few occasions we've posted ads, which we don't answer. We'd like people to be genuinely interested in finding out about US, not in seeing how many people they can catch with a throw of the net.

We've had our share of trading emails, even pics, and then people stop responding and we just let it go.

It seems so many people are far too 'chicken' to be honest with a 'no thanks'. We know of two couples who were on 'dates', invited the other couple back to their home, the other couple would say they were just going to get something from the car... and then drive off! They just couldn't say what they wanted, or didn't want.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by yawanna

It seems so many people are far too 'chicken' to be honest with a 'no thanks'. We know of two couples who were on 'dates', invited the other couple back to their home, the other couple would say they were just going to get something from the car... and then drive off! They just couldn't say what they wanted, or didn't want.

Now that's really an interesting and "adult" way to handle things.

Which brings up another point with me. I haven't been that involved for that long, but it has really amazed me that this lifestyle - one intended for "card-carrying" adults, I believe - is filled with such juvenile behavior. If I met someone and got cold feet at the last minute that is exactly what I would say..."sorry I wasted your time - it wasn't intentional - thought I was ready for this - but the reality just set it and I realize I'm not. But it has been a real pleasure meeting and talking with you..." And if they said something similar to me, I would shake their hand and thank them for their honesty and assure them that probably most go through the same feelings.

As for the two couples you know...Wow! Aren't they lucky that they "found out" before any involvement with such silly people.
- EBF

[Pat_38NV]

My husband and I met with a couple... the first time she really wasn't in the mood, and so we had a nice 3way, my husband, her husband and me.

The second time, she had a 'tummy ache'... once again, a 3way...

Come to find out from another swinging couple we knew, that was their usual thing... she would come along simply so he could get what he wanted.

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by Pat_38NV
Come to find out from another swinging couple we knew, that was their usual thing... she would come along simply so he could get what he wanted.

We knew a couple where the wife was not interested in playing. What she wanted was to watch her husband with the other woman or couple. Not a case of just going along for the ride so hubby could get his jollies. She got as much or more enjoyment as he did by watching the action.
Maybe this is the case here but she is unwilling to express it. Either way, if she isn't going to play they should be upfront about it.

Jesse

[impishcpl]

Whether you played and found no connection, or you didn't play and just met, or just chatted on the net, or whatever... I feel (female half ) that there should be some kind of communication. I agree that maybe not going into detail might be a good idea, however, hearing "thanks for the nice time and we enjoyed ourselves, but we find at this time we are not interested in pursuing anything" or " we didn't feel we connected that well" would let someone know...Okay, it was nothing we did, and it didn't work, we can move on and know why... makes for a better experience. I think that is the point. Just dropping off the face of the earth, well, that just isn't right. It may hurt someones feelings, and they don't know what they did, or like in our case...Did we do something wrong??? Was it something we said or did??? It would help to put things into perspective.

As for those ads (cuz I have to put my two cents in ALWAYS LOL) that state that they are in super duper condition and don't respond unless you are the same...Those really really steam me ... I don't think hubby and I are unattractive, but I know we are no Barbie and Ken either... but it doesn't come down to what we look like entirely... it comes down to who we am.... We won't even respond to those ads (however if they contact me, we do give a nice letdown i.e. the most common... thanks for the interest...etc...). But it was nice to see someone else have a gripe about it...lol...

Have super fantastic day everyone!

E.d. (impishcpl)