Why would my wife tell me hook up outside lifestyle?

[Naughtycool]

Long story short -was active in lifestyle for 7 yrs. - semi active last 4. Said would be ok - for me as long as no relationships and I tell her. She says its ok based on last time she partied outside (with a lifestyle member) over 6 yrs. ago because then we would be even! But she would not tell me if she did!?! Wondering if her NEW (non-sexual she says) relationship is actually the impetus for this and is her way of telling me that she wants an open marriage- WITHOUT setting ground rules and then she can do what she wants without impunity! She broke all the ground rules we ever set anyway! All comments welcome! Thanks!

[slevin]

Maybe you could make the short story long? With the very brief sentences I am not 100% sure what your situation is.

[MN Tom]

I agree with slevin. This story is missing far too many parts.

And if she wanted to go with an open marriage, why would hooking up outside of the lifestyle be a better option?

[Alura]

Long story short -was active in lifestyle for 7 yrs. - semi active last 4. Said would be ok - for me as long as no relationships and I tell her. She says its ok based on last time she partied outside (with a lifestyle member) over 6 yrs. ago because then we would be even! But she would not tell me if she did!?! Wondering if her NEW (non-sexual she says) relationship is actually the impetus for this and is her way of telling me that she wants an open marriage- WITHOUT setting ground rules and then she can do what she wants without impunity! She broke all the ground rules we ever set anyway! All comments welcome! Thanks!

It's hard to know another's thoughts without talking with them. There could be many reasons for your wife's attitude. I hope y'all will sit down and discuss it, leaving out nothing.

My late wife and I had an agreement that we would never become angry because a question was asked and that we'd always talk it out no matter how long it took. "I don't want to talk about it!" was never an acceptable option.

Alura

[Naughtycool]

Ok folks -- from the beginning- we have been in for about 7a yrs. and now pretty much out- of the lifestyle for about a year and a half now. She has recently become VERY friendly with a social acquaintance from our marina- VERY fast-lots of texts! Like 600 in 25 days -she took a day off early to go up early for the weekend - which is something she hasn't done in 9 yrs. of boating- naturally she informed me later after her decision to go that Mr. SeaRay was too!
"Well go to dinner with him" I told her. "Well I might do McDonalds"- she said. I knew that was crap. It was fine with me cause I know his wife too! No she wasn't there I knew, but had no real concern. She called me from our boat after dinner and I said ifwith you want to still visit with him go ahead. I still had no concern. The next day I asked what time she got back--- 1 AM -she said. Hmmmm - you after I confronted her about that and 600+ texts - she denied any wrongdoing. Ok fine -- let's move forward I say! And so---
We come to a week after I confronted her and she tells me "you should have sex when you're out on the road selling" - that's the scoop!

[Chicup]

Well you already know what you are thinking. I mean Christ this was a MASH episode.

[Ed & Bunny]

I see red flags all over this. I am gonna go with Alura and say that you and your wife need to have a long and serious talk.

[Alura]

We come to a week after I confronted her and she tells me "you should have sex when you're out on the road selling" - that's the scoop!

Having spent many years as a manufacturers' representative, I can tell you for sure that, hookers aside, it isn't easy to find someone for sex when you're on the road! First, I was just too tired after having called on numerous customers during business hours. All I wanted to do was have my evening conversation with Mrs. Alura and sleep.

Alura

[MN Tom]

Yes, red flags abound.

The informing of you after the fact, the lying about dinner..

I dont like it at all.

[Naughtycool]

Alura- I agree- priority on the road is sales! MN Tom - and those aren't the only lies I've caught her in since this began! Like "no - I only text him!". Phone record proof! Or - he hasn't said anything sexual to me- I did see a text from him before she deleted it saying he would like to see her undress blown up around her shoulders! Sound pretty sexual to me!

[celtic239]

Is your concern that she's going to dump you for the other guy or having sex with the other guy? Since you were both in the LS the idea of her having sex with another guy shouldn't be a foreign concept to you. If you think her statement that it's OK for you to play when you're working out of town is her way of "balancing the books" for her infidelity then you have to get your own priorities straight.
I think you need to ask her, in a calm manner, if she wants to set new guidelines for playing in the LS but seperately. If you think she will be a happier person getting laid by this other guy while you are away on the road and that her happiness means a lot to you then let her have at it. However if the other couple isn't into the LS and this guy is cheating on his wife then I forsee a possibility for "big waves" being made at your marina.

[Valha]

Is your concern that she's going to dump you for the other guy or having sex with the other guy? Since you were both in the LS the idea of her having sex with another guy shouldn't be a foreign concept to you. If you think her statement that it's OK for you to play when you're working out of town is her way of "balancing the books" for her infidelity then you have to get your own priorities straight.
I think you need to ask her, in a calm manner, if she wants to set new guidelines for playing in the LS but seperately. If you think she will be a happier person getting laid by this other guy while you are away on the road and that her happiness means a lot to you then let her have at it. However if the other couple isn't into the LS and this guy is cheating on his wife then I forsee a possibility for "big waves" being made at your marina.

I see the big problem here as her lack of honesty. Hooking up with this guy seems to have been more important than being honest with her husband. Trust is breached and therefore a big problem with the relationship is at hand.
Just because they've both fucked other people has no bearing on the situation. Why be married if both partners can just fuck whoever they want and lie about it?

[JustAskJulie]

It's definitely time for the two of you to sit down and really communicate with each other about this issue. The fact that you are going through phone records implies a lack of trust to start with, which may be earned from what you've shared (and possibly what you haven't). Show her the proof, tell her what you really think is going on and then be open to whatever she has to say.